Rachael's Carrma

Adele, "Someone Like You"

2011-09-26T12:59:00.001-05:00

I heard that you're settled down.
That you found a girl,
and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Oh friend, why are you so shy?
Aint like you to hold back,
or hide from the light.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face
and that you'd be reminded that for me,
it isn't over...

Nevermind how I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you, too.
Don't forget me,
I think I remember you said,
"Sometimes it last in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes is lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

You know how the time flies...
Only yesterday was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised
in a summer haze,
bound by the surprise of our glory days.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.

I had hoped you'd see my face

and that you'd be reminded that for me,

it isn't over...

Nevermind how I'll find someone like you.

I wish nothing but the best for you, too.

Don't forget me,

I think I remember you said,

"Sometimes it last in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares,

no worries or cares,

regrets and mistakes,

they're memories made.

Who would have known how

bitter-sweet this would taste?

Nevermind how I'll find someone like you.

I wish nothing but the best for you.

Don't forget me,

I think I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."

Nevermind how I'll find someone like you.

I wish nothing but the best for you, too.

Don't forget me,

I think I remember you said,

"Sometimes it last in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead...

Feeling a little torn...

2011-06-07T16:06:00.000-05:00

It's baby season again, I see all the new "sprouts" popping up all over Facebook. It almost makes me want another one... okay, simmer down... I said almost. ;)

Another nice thing about Facebook is that I've been able to watch all of my friends and acquaintances grow into their roles as mothers. It's nothing short of spectacular! Some take to it like a duck to water, and some struggle. In either instance it's nature at it's best, but it's always interesting to watch from a sociological standpoint.

I am a stay-at-home mom. Sort of. I mean, I have my etsy business, my wholesale business, and my blog that brings in a decent stream of money while I get to stay at home with my angel. So I guess I'm not a "true" SAHM, but as close as I could ever get without going insane. I feel as much like a SAHM as any other mom who stays at home, only because I keep up my business endeavors for more of a hobby, not for the money. However, I've noticed that the employment status of individual moms is sometimes a point of contention amongst people my age.

I see some who continually post things like, "I'm dead tired from work... but I'm doing it all for my little man!" or "Off on another business trip, 2 weeks this time, but it's all for the girl at home" etc. Obviously I completely understand when you have to work to pay the bills. But when your spouse is bringing in way more than enough to take care of bills, necessities, expenses, and savings what exactly is a two income household accomplishing when it's at the expense of the time you spend with your child?

Is it okay to justify working long hours, taking business trips, and leaving your kiddo with a sitter just so you can buy that fancy designer purse? (Or dress the kid in Gucci?) (Or drive a BMW?)

Or is it more realistic to justify doing without those types of luxuries so that your child has plenty of one-on-one parenting? (Play dates?) (Field trips?)

What is the real cost of parenting?

And what are we willing to give/give up in order to have it all?

Maybe this query comes from a selfish point of view, in that over the course of the last year or so I have felt some of my other parent friends slipping away. I'm the only one I know who stays at home full time, though I'm not the only one who could. I feel the eyes scanning and judging me... maybe out of curiosity, maybe out of resentment, maybe out of jealousy. I don't really know, but it's difficult even as a parent to be the one viewed as an "outcast."

I personally have no problem with our decision. I think my husband and I are giving our daughter the best chance possible at life with me being at home with her. I know exactly what goes into her body, and exactly what comes out. She's not been sick one time since she was born, she's never had diaper rash, never needed a trip to the ER, and she's a pro at the whole teething thing. Not to mention the fact that she is the most mellow, easy going baby I have ever been around. Heck, she's more mellow and easy going than many of the ADULTS I know. That's saying something! ;)

Some would argue that all those "bad" things happen to babies because they need to learn. Well maybe, but it's not like I'm depriving her of anything. She plays freely, interacts with others, and is exposed to all manner of things life has to offer her as a 1 year old.

More importantly, I always know what's going on with her.

One of the most important parts of me being at home with her is that we always know that she's getting a healthy diet. My husband has Crohn's disease, so we are concerned about these things. Any Crohn's specialist will tell you that eliminating processed foods and preservatives from your diet is the best way to prevent and treat people with Crohn's. Since it's a disease determined largely by genetics, we have to give her the best chance possible to keep from getting it. Regulating her diet is the easiest way to do so. No, she's not Vegan, or Raw, or anything out of the ordinary... But I do know first hand that she's not eating processed foods, or foods with preservatives. And guess what? She loves everything I feed her. She doesn't know any different. Even if the Crohn's thing never pops up, at least she's off to a great start when it comes to eating well and enjoying a healthy lifestyle. That's something I feel good about every single day.

I have to believe most of the reason she's never been sick is because she doesn't go to daycare. I mean, she had a short bout with allergies when spring rolled around, but no colds, flu, ear aches, strep throat, or stomach bugs, and that's pretty awesome from what I understand. Luckily, we don't have to go the daycare route and she can forgo all these terrible sicknesses while she's a helpless baby. Obviously I know she'll get sick someday, but wouldn't it be nice for it to happen when she's old enough to understand what's going on?

My daughter also knows sign language. It's limited for now, but only by what she can pick up in a day. She's so sharp, it astounds me! Babies are supposedly born with a strong desire to learn, and given the right circumstances, are capable of amazing things at young ages. She's fortunate to have me at home all the time so she can learn about and ask me about anything and everything around her. She has unlimited attention (if she wants it), as well as the freedom to safely explore the world around her learning as she goes.

Some people may view all of those things as silly, or unnecessary. But we don't. We view them as important benefits to our arrangement. As a matter of fact, I'll go so far to call them "luxuries." No she doesn't wear Burberry clothes, or have a Louis Vuitton diaper bag, or a silver Tiffany's rattle, but my daughter has luxuries that will literally last her forever. I may look back on my life and feel a twinge of sadness that I never drove a convertible, or spent a month in Europe, but I will never look back and long for the time missed with my daughter. No designer purse, fancy car, or pair of shoes could ever take the place of that gift.

Monday blues on Tuesday

2011-01-25T10:52:00.000-06:00

Tuesdays are my Mondays... Hubby works his contract job Tuesday thru Friday, and is "off" Saturday thru Monday. Except lately, he's been working like a dog catapulting us towards our 5-year plan, so we don't get much time together.

No matter what, Monday is always our day. We may do nothing, but we always have at least one day as a family. With all this work going on, it's nice to have that insurance. We are such hermits, and we so treasure our time together, so having just one day is tough.

But... while we're working and away from each other, we're both dreaming of this...

And this...

and a little bit of this too...

Washington State.

That's right... this is the grand dream. Moving to Washington, having some land, {which is apparently very affordable up there and easier to get than down south here} and just being free.

Free to be ourselves, not entangled in a community of strangers in a suburb. Not bound by the ridiculous rules and busybodies of the HOA... ANY HOA. Watching our little girl run and play and truly have the chance to enjoy nature.

Quiet. Peace. Seclusion.

No bumping bass pulling up across the street at 2am, no inconsiderate neighbors who let their cats run wild and pee all over our porch, kill my flowers, and eat our cat's food {who does not run wild consequently}. Nobody parking in front of our house. No registered sex offenders living too close for comfort. No unpredictable and unregulated renters junking up the neighborhood. No traffic. No one else's barking dogs. No neighbors smoking in the back yard, smoke wafting over the fence while the baby plays.

Just us. Doing our thing. Being a family. And truly living.

The not-so-off, day off...

2011-01-23T09:37:00.000-06:00

I've been neglecting my personal blog. Again. But dang it if I can't find a spare minute to pop in and write about something. Anything. Let alone something though provoking, interesting, or captivating. {sigh}

I've been working like a dog. Seriously. Which sounds weird, I know, because I'm technically a "stay-at-home mom" and whatnot. But my business is booming, and I'm admittedly struggling to keep up. I fear I'm going to have to change my store policies yet again because my standard 3-5 day turnaround promise is just not working out any more! Plus, I'm working on some new lines to debut, and exploring some new projects as well. All of this while also working on my "Little Birdie Blog" networking, turtorials, and upcoming guest blogs and feature pieces. I'm pooped. And I'm a full-time stay at home mom. So there's that.

So today I decided to take the day off. No looking at my shop stats, no renewing listings every 4 hours, no working on orders, no working on the new lines, no catching up on future blog posts, nothing. Day off.

Except that the moment I stop working, I see boxes of Christmas decor that still need to go in the attic, I see the dishwasher that needs to be emptied, I see dust collecting on the shelves, I see that I'm about out of baby food and I need to make some more, I see that I need to go grocery shopping, and I see about 10 loads of laundry that needs to be done.

So...

"Day off"

It's kind of exhausting to have to be "on" 24/7... like for real. I've had jobs in the past where I worked 60-80 hours a week but I always had at least one day. One day to rest and rejuvenate, one day to sleep in, one day to myself.

I imagine that now, but even in my imaginary day off I miss my little girl. I'm so attached to her... If I even take off to go shopping while hubby watches her, I still think about her. It's always been that way with my hubby too. I guess I'm just an attached person when it comes to the ones I love.

Of course I'm sure hubby is feeling much the same way. He's already worked every single day this week. I know all of this is helping us get to the place we want to be, but the "getting there" is tough. It's hard to remind ourselves that the sacrifices we make today result in our "happier" ending later. When we don't have to rent anymore. When we don't have to be surrounded by people you don't know living just feet away across the fence. When the baby will have all the room in the world to run and play and do whatever tickles her little girl fancy. Someday...

However, my super sweet hubby did get me a massage for my birthday on Friday, so I do have to say that I'm super pumped for that. :) And my momma is coming to visit in two weeks, and she's offered to watch the little booger so hubby and I can go out for a night. I'm looking forward to that, too. :)

Okay... well off to my day off: no work, just... um... other work. LOL

XOXO

a new look!

2010-11-15T12:58:00.001-06:00

I updated my blog appearance today! I've been tinkering with blog design and it's pretty fun! So far I've only done my own blogs, but I'm pretty proud of the results. Here's what I've done so far:

www.rachaelscarrma.blogspot.com
www.aubreyjune.blogspot.com
www.littlebirdiebaby.blogspot.com

Yay!! I love making things look "just so", I think it helps me write better because I'm not so focused on the asthetics, etc.

another big change...

2010-11-15T10:53:00.000-06:00

Well, as some of you know a few months ago I changed the URL to my blog. Long story short, I felt like I HAD to, but I never WANTED to.

I'm not sure how the Blogger reader works but I'm sort of thinking maybe the URL change changed the settings for my followers. Either that or everyone decided they were sick of my blog on the exact same day because I haven't heard from anyone since!

So... I changed it back today.

The reasons I changed it in the first place no longer apply. I've put it all behind me and anyone from that incident who wants to resurface is welcome to do so, but should be prepared to handle what they're going to get from me if they do.

This is probably a good time to reiterate the fact that my blog (check that- ALL of my blogs) and all the content past, present and future has now been legally copyrighted. Any use of my material is subject to my approval, and any attempt to alter such material is now legally punishable by law. Sucks that I had to do that, but some really nefarious, dishonest, amoral, selfish, unprincipled (and probably also jealous) people forced me into a corner.

No matter!! All bases are now covered, and I still may see some VERY lucrative outcomes as a result very bad behavior. < insert the wicked laugh of my lawyer >

So here we are! Back to Rachael's Carrma! I hope that I see some of my old blog friends back again and have a chance to make new ones. Of course, I am also still running my little blog for my daughter, as well as the blog for my company, and contributing to other blogs all about the web, so there will be no shortage of writing on my end!! I wish you all a glorious day!!

Inspiration!

2010-08-03T10:18:00.000-05:00

It's certainly no secret that since I became pregnant, just the thought of this wonderful little girl has given me a huge wave of inspiration. Starting with the nursery, it has just been flowing from me like rain! The fact that she's renewed my creative streak after somewhat of a dry spell has really made me feel like myself again. :) The magic of this little girl never ceases to amaze me!

My latest wave has led me to really exciting venture... opening my own Etsy store! For those of you who may not be familiar with Etsy, it's a great website for people to buy and sell artisan goods. You can find all kinds of awesome stuff there!

Anyway, I am always on the quest for something cute for her to wear, and one day it suddenly dawned on me that I should just make it! I started experimenting with fabric dyes and the rest is history...

Here's one of my favorites with my little sweetie being kind enough to model it for us!

There's a box in my task bar to the right on this page that is showcasing some samples, as well as a link to the store. Otherwise, you can go here:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/littlebirdiebabyshop

oil.

2010-05-27T07:57:00.001-05:00

I'm thinking about the oil spill this morning. I remember being a kid and learning all about them, their devastating effects on the land and the wildlife touched by the poison spilling into the sea. In those days, the early 90's, they were almost common. You can find the lists of historically devastating spills here if you're interested. I was much too young then to know which was which, but I remember learning about them in school, and reading about them in Highlights Magazines. haha!

We would visit the Gulf coast, as my grandma lived there, and play on the beaches. Tar was always a problem in those years. We never were allowed to wear our "good" bathing suits, and in every beach bag was a bottle of tar solvent to get the inevitable streaks off of our feet before getting back in the car. It wasn't a big gross thing, but it happened, and we learned to deal with it.

Anyway, I was young, but I knew it was a problem. Also, I've always been an animal lover, and could just not understand how anyone could put so many animals in danger with such carelessness. Even as a child I wanted to help. Since then, the incidents have been much less frequent and apparently under better regulation... until now.

The BP oil spill is happening right in my backyard. I know people who work for them, I know people involved with that particular rig, my husband in fact was an x-ray tech for the construction of the rig years ago even. It's hitting close to home. And as selfish as it may seem, I really wish the timing was different, because I want to be there to help.

They're releasing photos of the devastation... the animals, the wetlands, the beaches, everything. If I wasn't like 8.75 months pregnant and about to pop, I'd be there. For sure.

My heart bleeds for the birds covered in oil, unable to fly, and unable to help themselves.

A nest of Pelican eggs, covered in oil. :(

There have been at least 6 dolphins wash up dead on the coast... see them here trying to swim beneath the surface of the tainted water.

Even insects suffer in this tragic eco-event.

Someone needs to get this situation together before it destroys thousands of miles of coastline. I only wish I could personally do more than I can right now.

her diamonds.

2010-05-26T14:46:00.001-05:00

I heard Rob Thomas play this song acoustically today, after explaining why he wrote it and what it means to him. It really touched me, so I wanted to share the lyrics here. Sometimes in radio play, or just regular listening, the lyrics get lost in the music. Thus, the reason I love acoustic music so much.

Enjoy. :)

"Her Diamonds"
Rob Thomas

"Oh what the hell," she says,
"I just can't win for losing."
And she lays back down.
"Man there's so many times
I don't know what I'm doin',
Like I don't know now."

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Says, "It's funny how the night
Can make you blind."
I can just imagine,
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do-
But if she feels bad, then I do too.
So I let her be.

And she says, "Oooh,
I can't take no more."
Her tears like diamonds on the floor.
And her diamonds bring me down,
Cuz I can't help her now.
She's down in it,
She tried her best and now she can't win it.
Hard to see them on the ground,
Her diamonds falling down.

She sits down and stares into the distance,
And it takes all night.
And I know I could break her concentration
But it don't feel right.

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes.
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry,
And there's something less about her.
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do,
So I sit down and I cry too-
But don't let her see.

And she says, "Oooh,
I can't take no more."
Her tears like diamonds on the floor.
And her diamonds bring me down,
Cuz I can't help her now.
She's down in it,
She tried her best and now she can't win it.
Hard to see them on the ground,
Her diamonds falling down.

She shuts out the night,
Tries to close her eyes.
If she can find daylight,
She'll be alright.
She'll be alright.
Just not tonight...

And she says, "Oooh,
I can't take no more."
Her tears like diamonds on the floor.
And her diamonds bring me down,
Cuz I can't help her now.
She's down in it,
She tried her best and now she can't win it.
Hard to see them on the ground,
Her diamonds falling down.

And she says, "Oooh,
I can't take no more,"
Her tears like diamonds on the floor.
And her diamonds bring me down,
Cuz I can't help her now.
She's down in it,
She tried her best and now she can't win it.
Hard to see them on the ground,
Her diamonds falling down.

guilty dreams

2010-05-22T09:13:00.000-05:00

I'm having dreams about not being pregnant anymore. I think it's because it's getting towards the end and the REAL discomfort has set in.

I'm dreaming of spending hours in the kitchen again cooking as my heart desires. I miss cooking. I have done little to none of it since I became pregnant because standing on my feet in a hot kitchen is no fun. I was really afraid for awhile that I had lost my inspiration, so I am very glad to see it returning.

I'm dreaming of vacations. White, sandy beaches, crystal-blue water, and a breeze blowing my hair. It's summertime so everyone I know is gearing up for their vacation time. No vacations for us this year. While I am SO thrilled about our little girl, I am definitely resisting the urge to scratch my vacation itch. It seems like it's time for one...

I'm dreaming of having drinks with friends. A delicious glass of buttery white wine, a margarita on the patio of our favorite mexican food restaurant, a Bud Light Lime out by the pool... Yum.

According to the doctor, in all likelihood I will not be making it all the way to my due date- which is a huge relief. She's already 7lbs 4oz, and I still have 3 weeks until she's "due," I can't imagine how huge she would be if she went the whole 40. The thought of a 10lb baby coming out of my vagina scares the living crap out of me! So... we're praying for early.

Everything hurts "down there". Nothing seems to be functioning properly. Time spent standing or walking around is time spent regretting not staying on the couch. I have to pee like 100 times a day- no joke- I should buy some stock in toilet paper, haha.

I'm packing my bag for the hospital this weekend. Hopefully that will be like getting up to go to the bathroom while you're waiting for your food at a restaurant. Somehow, it always seems to help speed things along.

Fertility and the older parent.

2010-05-20T07:44:00.000-05:00

John Travolta and Kelly Preston are in the news this week, with an announcement of a new baby. About a year after losing their oldest child, they are now 3 months pregnant with a new baby. This must come as such a blessing to a pair of parents so devastated by the loss of their child. I can only imagine how horrible that whole situation must have been for them, so I am happy that they are able to move forward and pursue familial happiness with their new child.

However, this brings to mind another topic I've been thinking about recently. Fertility and older couples. Kelly is 47 and John is 56, and while they certainly have the means to support another child 10 years younger than their youngest daughter, the question I pose, is: should they? Is it responsible of the parents, or even fair to the child to be born to near-retirement age parents?

In their particular case, these parents will respectively be nearly 70 and nearly 80 when this kid graduates from high school. And while it has been statistically proven that people's life spans are ever extending, it is still a very real scenario that this child will actually be without parents before he/she is even of graduation age.

I see this more and more with the influx of people who are waiting to have kids. Waiting to have the perfect career, waiting to have enough money, waiting until the time is "right"... and then, more often than not, they have trouble conceiving. Women in their 40's trying for the first time to have kids, then having to spend at least another year trying all the fertility drugs, fertilization options, etc. before anything even happens.

Now, don't get me wrong, I completely understand the desire to have children. It's natural, it's normal, I even feel that it's intrinsic. As a woman, it's a difficult urge to avoid having at any cost. However, I think about being a kid myself, being a teenager, and being in my 20's, and how BADLY I needed the love, guidance, and companionship of my parents as I was learning to be who I am today. Then I think about how different my entire life would have been had my parents been geriatric through those formative years. Would my mom have been a girl scout leader had she instead been in her 50's or 60's? Would she have been able to spend hours helping me get ready for prom, through shopping trips, hair and makeup appointments, and late night curfew patrol? Would my dad have coached my softball team had he been in his 60's or 70's? Would he have been able to walk me down the aisle at my wedding had he been 80? Would they have been moving boxes in and out of countless dorm rooms and apartments throughout my college years? Would they even be here now to see the birth of my first child? You have to wonder...

All these experiences that I, and most people have had with their parents, are quickly dissipating for future generations of children with the continued influx of couples waiting so long to conceive. To me, it feels selfish. It feels really unfair to the kids.

What do you think? Does the desire to have children trump all of the consequences of reality, therefore making it "okay" at any cost to anyone involved?

Letter to the Editor- in regards to immigration.

2010-05-18T15:35:00.001-05:00

I normally try not to get too political in my blog, though I am very much politically inclined by nature. Holding years of formal education, as well as a degree in political science and constitutional law doesn't help me squelch my urges to get involved politically, but it does keep me from sharing and discussing with those "less educated" and "less informed" about what's REALLY happening in politics today. Too many people are ignorant about the truth of politics and the mechanics of the way things actually work in our government, and therefore seem to let themselves become emotionally involved with their personal opinions and (more often than not) driven by ignorant points of view... unfortunately, that in itself makes it difficult to converse with most others on this topic.

However, in running across this letter to the editor sent by a woman in Orange County, CA, I just had to share. This is a letter that is well written, not emotionally charged, and not violent in nature, yet STILL was refused publishing by the newspaper for whatever reason. Please read, and please try to take note of the truth in this matter... and the REAL reasons why what's happening in Arizona is a necessary start to a problem that's long since grown WAY out of hand.

-Rachael

ORANGE COUNTY ( CALIFORNIA ) NEWSPAPER-New Immigrants

This is a very good letter to the editor. This woman made some good points...

Newspapers simply won't publish letters to the editor which they either deem politically incorrect (read below) or which does not agree with the philosophy they're pushing on the public. This woman wrote a great letter to the editor that should have been published; but, with your help it will get published via cyberspace!

From:
"David LaBonte"
My wife, Rosemary, wrote a wonderful letter to the editor of the OC Register which, of course, was not printed. So, I decided to "print" it myself by sending it out on the Internet. Pass it along if you feel so inclined. Written in response to a series of letters to the editor in theOrange County Register:

Dear Editor:
So many letter writers have based their arguments on how this land is made up of immigrants. Ernie Lujan for one, suggests we should tear down the Statue of Liberty because the people now in question aren't being treated the same as those who passed through Ellis Island and other ports of entry.

Maybe we should turn to our history books and point out to people like Mr. Lujan why today's American is not willing to accept this new kind of immigrant any longer. Back in 1900 when there was a rush from all areas of Europe to come to the United States, people had to get off a ship and stand in a long line in New York and be documented. Some would even get down on their hands and knees and kiss the ground. They made a pledge to uphold the laws and support their new country in good and bad times. They made learning English a primary rule in their new American households and some even changed
their names to blend in with their new home.

They had waved good bye to their birth place to give their children a new life and did everything in their power to help their children assimilate into one culture. Nothing was handed to them. No free lunches, no welfare, no labor laws to protect them. All they had were the skills and craftsmanship they had brought with them to trade for a future of prosperity.

Most of their children came of age when World War II broke out. My father fought along side men whose parents had come straight over from Germany , Italy , France and Japan . None of these 1st generation Americans ever gave any thought about what country their parents had come from. They were Americans fighting Hitler, Mussolini and the Emperor of Japan . They were defending the United States of America as one people.

When we liberated France , no one in those villages were looking for the French-American or the German American or the Irish American. The people of France saw only Americans. And we carried one flag that represented one country. Not one of those immigrant sons would have thought about picking up another country's flag and waving it to represent who they were. It would have been a disgrace to their parents who had sacrificed so much to be here. These immigrants truly knew what it meant to be an American. They stirred the melting pot into one red, white and blue bowl.

And here we are with a new kind of immigrant who wants the same rights and privileges. Only they want to achieve it by playing with a different set of rules, one that includes the entitlement card and a guarantee of being faithful to their mother country. I'm sorry, that's not what being an American is all about. I believe that the immigrants who landed on Ellis Island in the early 1900's deserve better than that for all the toil, hard work and sacrifice in raising future generations to create a land that has become a beacon for those legally searching for a better life. I think they would be appalled that they are being used as an example by those waving foreign country flags.

And for that suggestion about taking down the Statue of Liberty , it happens to mean a lot to the citizens who are voting on this immigration bill. I wouldn't start talking about dismantling the United States just yet.

(signed)
Rosemary LaBonte

Mother, the heart of the Family.

2010-05-11T15:00:00.001-05:00

Nations rise and fall, empires prosper or crumble and men are stirred to great accomplishments or driven to shameful failure often because of the influence of a wife or mother. The wise poet has properly said, "The hand that rocks the cradle, is the hand that rules the world."

For most women, motherhood is a great privilege, a crowning joy and sublime fulfillment. Perhaps the greatest privilege of motherhood is that of sharing a giving. No one shares and give as a mother does. She shares her body with another in order to conceive. She shares it again with her unborn child. Then, she shares her time, energy, and talent with it after it is born in order to meet its needs and help it to grow and develop. But most of all, she shares her heart and her love as she weeps, laughs, sorrows and rejoices with her child through the months and years of it's life.

Motherhood, while being a great privilege, also involves obligation. No task on earth requires more dedication, greater skill or fuller commitment. Her responsibilities demand devotion to the highest ideals and patient perseverance over long years of time. Her task is formidable because there is no human obligation that is less adaptable to substitution than motherhood. You can substitute for the teacher, policeman, governor, and almost anyone else- but no one has found an adequate substitute for a mother's love.

Happy and blessed are the home and the children of a loving, devoted mother. Happy Mother's Day!

**I am looking forward to sharing my life with my first born child in only 5 short weeks. I only hope that I can be half the mother that my own is. :)

Much Love,

Rachael

http://aubreyjune.blogspot.com

http://itsalongsweetlife.blogspot.com/

To share the nursery...

2010-05-08T23:59:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I know I said no more baby stuff, but I just really want to share this with you guys. THIS has been my huge project for the past 3 or 4 months, and it's finally finished! Here's a little peek, but I would like to redirect you over to my "baby Aubrey" blog to see ALL of the pictures!! It took tons of planning, but it turned out so much better than I even imagined!

See the rest here!!: http://aubreyjune.blogspot.com/2010/05/nursery-peek.html

A new blog!

2010-04-20T13:17:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm obviously pretty preoccupied with being pregnant. We are now within those last several weeks when there's TONS of busy work to be done. Between getting the nursery finished, getting the house ready, making sure we have what we need, inevitable baby showers, and TONS of doctors appointments... I've been busy.

Although I haven't been writing (again... yeah, I know), I've been thinking about the future of my blog. Don't get me wrong, it's not going anywhere. My concern was, that with all the "new" and the "baby" that my blog would get lost in the mix. One thing that remains important to me throughout all these new life changes is keeping my identity. While I will now and forever be "Aubrey's Mom," I will still be myself, and still want to be in touch with my own thoughts and ideas.

Since I can't think of a good way to merge the two, maintain my personal privacy, and still let the important people in my life stay up to date with everything pregnancy/baby/kid related, I decided to open a new blog. A new blog just for her.

My thought is that someday, when she's old enough, she'll enjoy reading through all the entries and looking at all the photos I have stored in "her blog." So, I'm pretty excited about it! Here's the link, and I invite anyone who is interested to follow along. There will be updates, stories, ultrasound pictures, baby bump pictures, and all the baby photos any blog can handle once she's born. :)

http://aubreyjune.blogspot.com/

And Rachael's Carrma will remain just for me. :)

health care

2010-03-21T19:24:00.000-05:00

Against the better judgement of my "fun"side, I've been watching the House session since noon today. That was 6 1/2 hours ago. I also watched the 5 hour Health Care Summit a couple of weeks ago, and felt much the same then as I do now. That being said, I would like to leave any party affiliations or preconceived notions out of this blog, as those are completely irrelevant to me.

I hear alot of talking, but not much actual discussion. Each side keeps saying the same things over and over, but neither actually addressing the questions of the other side or the questions of us, the constituents. No one has seemingly bothered to notice that there is not one poll in existence in which the American people are in favor of this bill. Not one. Isn't the entire point of a democracy for the government to be run by the people? They're not even listening to us!

My concern in this highly volatile issue is this:

If we already know that Medicare is a broken system, and we already know that Social Security is a broken system (out of money this year due to the fact that baby boomers are now retiring, and the govt. has been "borrowing"from SS for years), and we already know that the U.S. Postal system is broken... why on Earth are we trying to put yet another government-run program into effect? Especially one of this magnitude?? It seems like a fundamentally proven bad idea.

Do we need health care reform? Absolutely. Our country has problems. There are too many people who are uninsured because they cannot afford coverage. There are even more people who are uninsured because a pre-existing condition has deemed them "uninsurable" by insurance companies. But, that as this bill stands now, I do not believe that it is the right solution.

I don't know how many of you have really done your research on this bill, as they certainly aren't making it easy to do so. However, all the media pieces aside, and the partisan penned articles aside, I think people would be surprised to know some of the things these officials are trying to push through with this bill.

Yes, it's great that with the passage of this bill, insurers will no longer be able to drop you from coverage or deny you coverage due to a pre-existing condition. Yes, it's great that everyone in the country will be able to get insurance for an "affordable" price, based on the level of your income. Though I have yet to hear exactly what "affordable" means. Affordable to the middle class family bringing in $80,000 a year is probably not the same affordable to the widowed 80 year old trying to make it from one deteriorating Social Security check to the next. Additionally, the new healthcare plan is being made it mandatory by penalty of a "substantial" fine, and that to me is absolutely unethical. I find it awfully presumptuous for the government to determine what we can and cannot afford to pay, without knowing each and every one of our individual situations. And if that is not enough, if we do not pay for this mandatory insurance they then have the audacity to charge us a fine.

And how will we pay for this grand new system? Well, taxes of course. Not right away mind you. They plan to continue to "borrow" from the near bankrupt Social Security, and cut the already sparse Medicare coverage for the elderly for a few years until they get brave enough to start raising our taxes.

Can NO ONE come up with a better plan than this?? Why are we rushing into something that stands to shake the entire nation to the core?? YES, we need reform. YES, we need a new plan. But can't we put a little time into working out a more reasonable, more fair, more effective course of action? Why do we have to be force fed this particular bill rightthisfreakingminute?? It seems that in a decision this big, with so much hinging on it's success, that we could afford to take a little time to get EVERYONE'S input and make sure it's something that is going to work.

Our futures are riding on it.

the exploitation locker.

2010-02-27T10:02:00.000-06:00

I've been hearing alot of hype about this movie, "The Hurt Locker," a movie telling the story of soldiers overseas fighting the Afghani and Iraqi war. It's supposed to be gritty, real, heart wrenching, and the best representation of our boys over there right now.

As a friend/ex-girlfriend/acquaintance of many people different people serving overseas, and the wife of a comedian who has also been over there touring with the USO, I can always appreciate people who bring the truth of the soldiers' situation to light. Based on stories I've heard, and accounts from my husband's interactions with the soldiers, the media does them no justice. Their story NEEDS to be told from an unbiased source... if not from their own mouths. The soldiers need to be acknowledged for all that they're put through, and everything they're doing for us. So many of them are giving the ultimate sacrifice for their "job" and the numbers that reflect those people's lives seem to be being brushed under the rug.

That being said, I am very disappointed by what I'm hearing about this movie and the makers of it. While it is apparently an excellent rendition of the true life of the soldiers overseas, it seems unfair and even unethical the money and recognition these moviemakers are garnering for this film. For them to stand up in front of audiences and thank the soldiers, wish them the best, and then take home a big fat check- seems wrong. It actually seems a bit like exploitation. Sure, the movie is "real," it's "gritty," and it "shows the real side" of what's going down over there. But does that give these moviemakers the excuse to tell these stories and not only take the credit, but also take the money? It seems like if they are truly trying to bring light to these situations, as they say they are, then they could find a constructive way to pay it forward to the people it really belongs to. How about new kevlar since there's plenty of troops doing without at this point? Or a charity to help the next-of-kin to those who are lost in action? It seems like there's something they could do, instead of just stuff their own pockets.

Yesterday, I found a story on Yahoo! about these very same moviemakers soliciting votes from Academy Awards panelists. The email is panhandling in a very pathetic way... I'll go ahead and attach it here so you can check it out yourself:

I hope all is well with you. I just wanted to write you and say I hope you liked Hurt Locker and if you did and want us to win, please tell (name deleted) and your friends who vote for the Oscars, tell actors, directors, crew members, art directors, special effects people, if everyone tells one or two of their friends, we will win and not a $500M film, we need independent movies to win like the movies you and I do, so if you believe The Hurt Locker is the best movie of 2010, help us!

I'm sure you know plenty of people you've worked with who are academy members whether a publicist, a writer, a sound engineer, please take 5 minutes and contact them. Please call one or two persons, everything will help!

best regards,

Nicolas Chartier Voltage Pictures

To me, this is absolutely inexcusable. I know that people rally for their movies when it comes to Oscar time, but this seems like it's crossing the line. ESPECIALLY considering the fact that they're already basically exploiting the soldiers they claim to care about so much. It's sickening to me.

Maybe I'm taking it too personally because I have so much personal emotion invested in "the story" but knowing what I know, it all just seems so wrong to me.

inspiring and though provoking...

2010-02-20T14:03:00.000-06:00

"It almost never fails: tell someone that you're going through something, or that you're in a rut, or that you're having a tough time seeing things change in your life, and their send-off advice will be some form of, "pray on it," or, "I'll be praying for you." Sometimes people say it because it sounds like the right thing to do, and other times people say it because they honestly believe that prayer is the catalyst for seeing an immediate change in your circumstance."

- http://kalexwa.blogspot.com

the tired cycle.

2010-02-20T13:32:00.000-06:00

I'm tired.
I'm tired, and I can't sleep, and I'm stressed out.
Plus I have a biopsy of a Fibroadenoma (golf ball sized tumor) in my right breast Monday morning.
All things that are contributing to a crappy day.

At the very least, I am supposed to stay healthy, strong, and not stressed for the sake of the baby. I feel like I'm doing the very best that I can, but it's really difficult to accomplish those things when I can't sleep. I don't think maybe I was cut out to carry a baby. My narrow hips and tiny ass don't give way to the changes a growing baby demands. I'm hurting and more sore than from any workout I've ever had. I knew that my ligaments would stretch- they have to for everyone- but my GOD, I can hardly walk, let alone sleep. It gets worse when I lay down, because then my hips start to throb and my legs start to tingle... so I'm constantly moving around trying to find a comfy spot. If I'm lucky, I get 4 hours of sleep a night. Not 4 hours straight, but like 2 hours here and 2 hours there. And I'm only 24 weeks along.

Then there's the boob thing. I've always had huge ones. It's genetic. My mom, and my grandmothers on both sides of the family are very well-endowed, but I put all three of them to shame. PRE-PREGNANCY. Duh, I know your breasts grow during pregnancy, that's a given, but there was this pesky little problem beforehand- the fibroadenoma. I had it tested by MD Anderson Cancer Center in 2006 and thankfully it was benign, so they left it be. (How lucky am I to live so close to quite possibly the best cancer facility in the nation?) They said since I was so young, and it didn't seem to present a problem, that they were going to leave it alone an monitor it periodically as the years go by. I personally thought it would just be better to go ahead and get it out of there... no tumor, no possible future problems, right?

Well now I'm pregnant and my hormones are going psycho crazy, my breasts are growing to alarming proportions and the doctors are worried. Not worried that it could suddenly be cancerous, but that it could be causing me major problems now that it's reacting with the sudden tissue growth and ever-changing hormone levels. So... they're going to test it again. They keep telling me not to worry, but when I ask, they don't want to be too specific. My OBGYN says that there is a real possibility that due to hormone related changes and movement that they'll want to remove it before the baby is born. Ah... if they had only taken it out 4 years ago when it WASN'T a problem... instead of facing the possibility of having surgery while I'm pregnant. (Which from what I understand is not necessarily the best scenario for me or baby.)

So I'm trying not to stress... and trying to think positive. Luckily I have great doctors, and I feel very comfortable that they will do everything right by me and my baby. So we will see...

a boost today.

2010-02-16T18:04:00.001-06:00

I sometimes contribute to another blog (www.womansworldmagazine.blogspot.com) and most recently shared my "letter" to my little girl on their blog. Well, I must've forgotten to click the box to notify me of new comments, and was feeling a little down that I hadn't gotten anything. Not that it was a revolutionary post from me, but because it's such a great blog to contribute to, comments run rampant. Lots of supportive women out there, and it's a great place to share things and get some great female perspective.

Anyway, I thought I would pop by and check on it this afternoon, and lo and behold there WERE comments! I had 8 wonderful comments from other women sharing their congrats, their love stories, and laugh stories about their kids and their pregnancies. It totally made my day!

One thing I know about being pregnant is that it's completely unpredictable. You need an outlet, and you need people to talk to, because it's not always what you expected. More on that later. ;)

so I finally made the switch.

2010-02-16T17:45:00.000-06:00

It was time. And as much as I hated to, I finally changed my URL so those who found my blog and caused me problems can no longer do so. I really really hate to keep bringing this up, but what I hate even more is the fact that I'm thinking about it. And unfortunately, because I'm thinking about it, I'm not writing. I feel compromised and hurt by what happened, and the only thing that makes it worse is the fact that it's invaded my MOST personal space and my most personal thoughts.

One of the most beautiful things about the blog world is that you can be as conspicuous as you like. There are some bloggers that could be considered "famous" in their own right. On the other side of the coin, there are plenty of bloggers who choose to keep their identities shrouded for the sake of privacy. So far, I have found myself in the middle. I don't mind people knowing my name, it doesn't bother me to post pictures of myself and my husband, but at the same time, I know that there really isn't anyone out there that I "know" reading my blog.

That level of inconspicuousness is comfortable for me. I have always felt that I can be candid and true to my feelings without censoring my thoughts "just in case" someone specific reads whatever I write. My husband has the link to my blog, but he rarely reads it unless I ask him to. Sometimes there are things I like to get his opinion on because he has the insight into my life that no one else has, and he's also a very talented writer. We're good that way. But other than him, it's just you. All of you out there that I may know on a first name basis, or even a pseudonym basis only. I like it that way. I value your opinions and I treasure your comments. You don't judge me from an emotional basis, or on a personal level for any reason, and that to me is unbelievably liberating.

So in light of the fact that I felt that link of privacy had been broken, and it was in turn hampering my writing in a way that essentially left me dead in the water, I decided to change my URL. The people who "know" me probably won't notice a difference since I decided to leave the actual name of my blog the same, but at least now I feel a little safer.

This is a HUGE time in my life and in the course of my family, and I want to write about it! Not to mention all the "regular stuff" that I like to write about. I'm done being stifled, and I'm done being scared. IN the grand scheme of things, a URL is such a small thing anyway. :)

fun with Ben Folds

2010-01-25T09:51:00.000-06:00

"You Don't Know Me"

Ben Folds feat. Regina Spektor

I wanna ask you -
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It's so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one's head?

Things I've felt but I've never said
You said things that I never said
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin
Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me (paint me)
Any face that you wanted me
To be seen.
We're
Damned by the existential moment where
We saw the couple in the coma and
It was we were the cliché,
But we carried on anyway.

So, sure, I could just close my eyes.
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,
But can you go back once you know

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me

If I'm the person that you think I am (Ah ah ahh)
Clueless chump you seem to think I am (Ah ah ahhh)
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the f**k would you want me back?!

Maybe it's because

(You don't know me at all)

Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

(You don't know me,
you don't know me.)

Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

So, what I'm trying to say is
What (What?)
I'm trying to tell you
It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you'll only change it.
(Say it.)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

What?

(Mmmm, ohh oh
Ah ah ah ah ah
Aha ah ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Aha ah
Ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh oh ohh)

and Aubrey was her name...

2010-01-11T13:36:00.004-06:00

Today we found out you are a little girl. I am so happy as I have always wanted a daughter.

I look forward to and imagine looking through your eyes at a brand new world. A world full of wonder... colors, shapes, and smells... unlike the world I know of troubles, hurt, and betrayal. I know that I will never be able to protect you from these things, but how refreshing it will be to experience it all with you, watching you take it all in anew.

You'll flutter your little lashes as the wind touches your face, gaze wide-eyed as you look up at the stars for the first time, and squeal in delight at the fluffy white kitty that lives in the backyard. Our little dog Tina will be your best friend. She'll be just your size, perfect for your many adventures in the grass, and she'll fit in your doll clothes so you can dress her up pretty.

You will be my angel. I will teach you everything I can. I will be here for you to talk to, to confide in, and to cry with. I will always be there for you, in whatever capacity you need... and even when you don't. We will share sleepovers and tea parties, and dress up time. You'll prance around in my pretty shoes when they're still much too big for you, and have free reign to fill my purses with all of your little goodies. I'll be a rock for you to stand on, and have magic kisses to make your boo boo's all better. My life will be but to make yours better.

You will be a Daddy's girl, there is no question about that. If it is in any way possible, he is more excited about you than even I am. Like me, he frequently sheds tears of happiness at thoughts of you, and our future together. You will love your Daddy. He is a wonderful man, a man who will always look after you and protect you, and a man you will someday compare other men to. He will be your safe place, and with him you will never feel scared. He is my love, my best friend, and my soul mate. You are everything good about us as individuals, as well as a living piece of our undying love for each other.

But you will be you. You will have your own likes and dislikes. You will have your own opinions. You will make your own mistakes. You will find your own way. Your whimsical heart will want what it wants.... and you won't be able to help that. I believe you will be a person to love to everyone you meet. And we will love you and support you always.

My sweet angel, I am holding you and protecting you inside until you are ready for this world, and when you are, you will be welcomed with all the love in our hearts.

Love,

Mommy

already gone.

2009-12-16T13:52:00.004-06:00

Sometimes all it takes is the right music to speak what your heart cannot. I've been waiting several years for a song like this to come along and help me finish closing a very old wound.

The words alone do not do it justice...

Already Gone

by Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted?

Now all our memories, they're haunted.

We were always meant to say goodbye.

Even with our fists held high,

It never would've worked out right.

We were never meant for do or die.

I didn't want us to burn out...

I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop.

I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road,

Someone's gotta go.

And I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better-

But I want you to move on,

So I'm already gone.

Looking at you makes it harder

But I know that you'll find another

That doesn't always make you want to cry.

It started with a perfect kiss

Then we could feel the poison set in.

Perfect couldn't keep this love alive...

You know that I loved you so, I love you enough to let you go.

I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road,

Someone's gotta go.

And I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better-

But I want you to move on,

So I'm already gone.

I'm already gone, already gone...

You can't make it feel right, when you know that it's wrong.

I'm already gone, already gone...

There's no moving on, so I'm already gone.

Already gone, already gone, already gone...

Remember all the things we wanted?

Now all our memories, they're haunted.

We were always meant to say goodbye.

I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road,

Someone's gotta go.

And I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better-

But I want you to move on,

So I'm already gone.

I'm already gone, already gone...

You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong.

I'm already gone, already gone...

There's no moving on, so I'm already gone.

om.

2009-12-14T12:45:00.003-06:00

"In the beginning was the Word,

and the Word was with God,

and the Word was God."

-Gospel of John

"the om"

the sacred and mystical sanskrit word

om is the breath of god

the first sound of creation

according to tradition,

everything manifested

comes from the primordial vibration

which is symbolized by

all material objects

all living beings

including each of us,

all spiritual teachings and knowledge

is the primo mobile

om is seen as the first manifestation

of the unmanifested god

om is the eternal world of god,

the supreme unmanifested divine being

om is the sound of all creation

it is a prayer unto itself

om appears in vedic sanskrit

as a word of solemn affirmation

and respectful assent

the sutras of paranjali state that

om is the supreme name of god

and it cannot have any meaning

other than god

they also say that remembering om

and it's meaning

will make the devotee happy and focused

on the enlightened path

represents the supreme being,

the past, present and future

are all included in this one sound

it is a timeless mantra

whosoever meditates on this one syllable

obtains all that they desire

we are spiritual beings

conceived through the sound of creation

born from the music of the spheres

we are one with all creation

the way be view ourselves can broaden our

sense of who we are

and help us appreciate ourselves

as brave spirits on an important mission

to learn and grow here on earth

remembering that we are spiritual beings

is part of the work that we are here on earth to do

each of us carries within us

the capacity to change the world

in small ways to better or worse

remembering who we are

can give us the patience to persevere

in this way, we realize that

om symbolizes the infinite and divine being

and that we are made of light and pure energy

all human are beings of energy,

vibrating at unique and beautiful frequencies

like divine notes

in the symphony of the universe

life is the province of learning

and the wisdom we acquire throughout our lives

is the reward of our existence

earth school provides us with an education

for the heart and soul

when we acknowledge that

growth is an integral part of life,

and that attending earth school is the responsibility

of every individual

we understand that we are harmonious melodies

in the symphony of the spheres

and we can openly and joyfully

look for the blessings buried in the difficulties

we face every day

as we traverse the winding roads

that lead us from birth to death,

experience is our patience teacher

the idea of flow

the om

reflects on the fact that

things are not rigid and fixed

the flow of energy in this universe

does not always have a human agenda

or your personal agenda

as its primary focus

we must realize that we are intimately connected

to a larger rhythm

a greater voice

a universal flow

this wisdom we accrue

will bless us

may you be blessed!

om shanti om

we are the jewel in the heart of the lotus

we beseech the wisdom

of all enlightened beings,

past and future

may the four immeasurable minds

grow in the hearts and minds of all beings

may we know the true,

clear light of liberation

om mani padme om

we are one

"I am you; you are ME.

You are the waves, I am the ocean.

Know this and be free, be Divine."

-Sri Sathya Sai Baba

namaste

**taken from Humanity Healing, http://humanityhealing.net**

cruising part 2- Key West

2009-12-10T11:36:00.008-06:00

So our first stop on our cruise in November was in Key West. We had never been there before, but were really excited about going to see Ernest Hemmingway's house, and even found a Caribbean Pirate Soul Museum that we wanted to check out.

I never realized how small Key West is, but it's such a sweet little island! When we docked, hubby and I rented bicycles and rode all over the place. Here are some pics from our day:

The Hemmingway House

View of the front of the house

I would KILL for this wrap around porch!!

Orchids hanging from the trees...

Really cool looking flower... have no idea what it is. Does anyone??

From the Hemmingway House:

Ornate little elephants surrounding the pool @ Hemmingway's house.

Sweet little altar in the garden, I think we will come back here and renew our vows someday!

me & my honey in the garden

Cute little sitting area under the trees.

Hubby on the footbridge in the garden.

Ernest Hemmingway's actual desk and typewriter.

If you did not know, Ernest Hemmingway is a cat lover. He brought to his home many many polydactyl cats (cats with multiple toes, 5, 6, and 7 per foot even, who can swim, grab things, etc.) Anyway, part of his legacy was to leave the estate to the cats where they would be welcome to live, play, and procreate for the life of the estate. Currently, there are over 45 cats living on property, and they pretty much have free run of the place. It was really fun to see them everywhere and of course love on them when I got the opportunity!

Kitty in the garden (look at his feet! he had 6 toes on each foot)

another poly kitty

this one was sunning himself in the window ;)

This is Charlie Chaplin, Hemmingway liked to name his cats for famous people. I can see why this one was Charlie, can you see his little mustache??

They sure don't mind posing for the camera!

How could I resist loving on these sweet kitties?!?

I think he's contemplating a swim ;)

Like any other museum/house, there were signs posted everywhere to not sit on the furniture, or cross the barriers, or touch the fabrics... but this guy lives above the law!! He sure did look comfy, and the guide said this is his "regular" spot... he doesn't share with the other cats!

The kitty cemetery, see the stones for Willard Scott and Marilyn Monroe? Hemmingway had quite the sense of humor!

The lighthouse across the street from the Hemmingway House... Ernest used to tell people he bought this house here because the lighthouse would always help him find his way home from his favorite bar in town. haha!

His favorite bar, that's still hoppin'... Sloppy Joe's

It was such a cool thing to see... and I'm a big fan of Hemmingway, so I might be a little biased, but it was really cool! Here's a couple more random pics from the day...

My sis-in-law bike riding in town. I wish we had pics of hubby and I riding our bikes... it was so much fun, and a great way to get around!

My handsome hubby trying to figure out how to bring this boat home with us, haha!

Tiger Woods & men who cheat.

2009-12-10T10:42:00.003-06:00

Let me preface this by saying that, for me, cheating is the #1 unforgivable situation in a relationship. I believe this wholeheartedly with every fiber of my being. I find it appalling that people continue to make excuses for celebrities, politicians, etc. that are caught in the media with their indiscretions.

It's always with the, "Oh, he's a celebrity, he has access to more women than the average man ever would... of course he was tempted into cheating." Or, "His marriage is unhappy, or his wife is unavailable." Or even "Men are scientifically predisposed to needing and wanting a variety of sexual partners. He can't help it, it's science." BULLS%*$!!

And then somehow, inevitably, it seems that the wives are the ones who end up suffering the media trauma, losing everything, and being "the bad guy" in these situations. It makes me sick!

FINALLY, this morning I heard a response from a man that was actually real, and no-nonsense.

Chuck Nice, an actor and comedian was on the Today Show this morning and said when asked in regards to the Tiger Woods scandal and why men cheat:

"I've said this before, and I will say it again. And no one wants to accept this as an answer. It is a FAILURE OF CHARACTER. That is it. End of story. It's a failure of character. A man who has the strong spiritual conviction to say, that 'although I may want to do this, I will rely upon a higher power to make sure and strengthen me so that I am able to stand for my vows,' is the man who will NOT cheat. Now that's the end of it!"

Thank you. Thank you Chuck for being the kind of man who stands up for marriage and vows, and the bond between a married couple. No matter what, it's never right, it's never excusable, and it's really nice to hear a man say that. And say it on TV no less!!

This is the kind of man my husband is, and he is not shy about saying it, or "hurting another man's feelings" by pointing that out. I think so many men shy away from this topic or make excuses for their friends or other men who cheat because they feel that it makes them "less of a man" or whatever. Who knows... but it was so refreshing to see one of the good ones out in public speaking on behalf of the GOOD men who are still out there.

vacationing!

2009-12-09T13:58:00.003-06:00

I'm not sure if I've shared my hubby's and my wedding/honeymoon story, but it's kind of an interesting one. It's at least a little different than most peoples'...

We got married September 6, 2008 in Vegas. Not the "let's get married by Elvis in a drive-thru chapel" wedding, but at the Venetian with 25 of our closest friends and family members. Anyway, we made a long weekend of it and got home on Monday night. We had given ourselves a couple extra days of recuperation time before the honeymoon, and thank goodness we did! Upon returning home, we found out that a huge hurricane was headed straight toward us in less than 3 days. So, we got to work boarding up the house and stocking up on non-perishables and ice... and canceled the honeymoon. They were right, it was a HUGE storm and knocked out power lines, cars, houses, and even whole towns. We spent the next 12 days without electricity, playing monopoly by candlelight and eating whatever we could cook on the grill outside. It was fun and it was unique, and we will never forget it.

We tried rescheduling a couple of times, but things always came up and we just never got out. We finally found a trip that stuck, and scheduled a week cruise for the November after our first anniversary. Needless to say, we were totally stoked! We made the final arrangements, and received our cruise paperwork September 1st. Then... about 4 weeks later we found out we were pregnant. ;)

Luckily, being on the boat didn't bother me much, and while we may have once had plans of fruity drinks and crazy shore excursions, that just wasn't going to happen. We did have a blast, and got to see and do all kinds of fun stuff even if it was a honeymoon/babymoon. I wanted to post some pics we took, but will have to do it installments because there are so many.

I personally must say that I enjoyed cruising quite a bit. No airport security, no crowded planes, no endless driving in a car... it was nice! Plus we didn't have to worry about finding a good place to stay in a strange place, or worry about being able to find local food that wouldn't bother the hubby's Crohn's disease. Did I already say how nice it was? LOL

Sunset from the boat

docked in Nassau (our boat, the Conquest on the right)

Lido deck and water slide at night

The boat was French themed, so there was amazing artwork EVERYWHERE!

View down into the lobby from the Upper Deck

Anyway, it was a great way to spend our honeymoon/anniversary/last vacation before the baby comes. I have some fun pics from our destinations that I'll post later. :)

catching up - news!

2009-12-09T09:14:00.002-06:00

So... my apologies for being on hiatus. I have sorely missed you all, and missed my weekly writing. I always have so much running around in my head, blogging has always been such a great outlet for me.

At the moment, there is only one big thing that I want to share with all of my blog friends, the people who know me through my writing, and are otherwise complete strangers... but sometimes my closest friends.

I would like to announce that my wonderful husband and I are expecting our very first baby in June 2010!

You guys know how much this has been on my mind over the course of the last 2 years, and how much the hubby and I have been praying and trying to get pregnant. Finally it happened, and we could not be happier! As of this week I am 12 weeks along, and the morning sickness finally seems to be fading.

2 weeks ago we got to see the baby for the first time. It was truly magical! Our little tiny tiny baby was doing flips and waving it's arms all around for the camera. And of course, we could hear the heartbeat... making it all finally feel so real! I can't wait to have actual ultrasound printouts to post, and we are really excited to find out the sex of the baby about a week after Christmas.

Anyway, just wanted to share the big news and let you know that I'm "back"! ;)

needing a kickstart.

2009-12-09T09:03:00.002-06:00

I know I haven't been writing... it's not because I don't want to, or can't endlessly think of things to write about, I've just been feeling a little stifled I guess. Mostly from the invasion of my blog by an unwelcome source. But I've decided not to change the name of my blog after all. It's who I am, and I truly don't feel like I have anything to hide. Whether it's a friend who reads, a co-worker, employer, or even a stranger, what you see is what you get. If that's not good enough, then I guess that means it's time for "us" to part ways.

I'm sort of appalled about the state of society today in which employers especially feel that they can judge people based on their personal lives. If I am otherwise a private person, and yet still your star employee, then why would anything I write in my private life concern you in any way? It seems like these things are happening more and more every day to people everywhere. Does this mean that we should all be shut-ins and stifle our personalities in order to appease a judgmental person existing only in our outside lives? I say no.

Thanks to Nancy for giving me a little hope this morning with her message to me. I needed a kickstart, and I needed to get this off my chest. I refuse to be a by-product of a broken society. I can only be the person I am, and that is enough for me.

in regards to the future of my blog.

2009-10-29T11:38:00.002-05:00

Recently I've had some problems with my blog. This time, it's not bloggers fault, but probably my own. The decision to name my blog "Rachael's Carrma" was an attempt to be as real and true to myself as possible, while also having a fun, clever name. Unfortunately, because I used my full name in the title of my blog, it has made it/me much too easy to find via google, etc. and has started causing me problems elsewhere.

SO, unfortunately I feel that I must change the name of my blog.

The only problem with that is that I am at a complete loss. I have no idea where to start, or what might work in conjunction with my style of blogging and the content that I post. I've really been struggling with this, and it has subsequently stunted my writing inspiration.

I guess it's because I feel somewhat violated, even though I know it's really my own fault for making it so accessible. I'm just trying to work past that, and probably will not be posting much until I can make this change. Since you all are the ones who read my blog, do you have any ideas for me?? I could use all the help I can get....

hey scarlethue!

2009-10-29T11:13:00.003-05:00

Hey Scarlethue! Loving the new blog layout, but I think the reason you've seen a decline in comments is that (at least for me) the comment box disappears below the screen. When you type in the comment, it asks for word verification, and then the verification box drops below the screen and I can't get to it.

Looks great, but since I can't leave you a comment, I thought I would try this until it's fixed. :)

Have a great day!

wallowing in bed-land

2009-10-28T13:23:00.002-05:00

This is not an inspirational post. This is not a though-provoking post. This is a post to clear my head so maybe I can be productive and not feel like a worthless loser.

I haven't written anything in a long time, I'm not sure why, but I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I've been feeling uninspired. I'm bored. I'm tired. I'm sick. And I'm sick of being sick.

Fantabulously Frugal: Review + Giveaway: Handbag Heaven

2009-10-01T09:48:00.001-05:00

Fantabulously Frugal: Review + Giveaway: Handbag Heaven

I normally do not do this kind of thing, but after browsing the Handbag Heaven website, I am totally sold. Just wanted to share this giveaway opportunity with anyone who is interested! Click the link to enter!

This one is my fave! (and under 50 bucks!!)

feeling violated.

2009-09-27T10:03:00.003-05:00

My wallet was stolen this week. Stolen right out of my purse, and I was no more than 2 feet away. I guess that's really the problem... I should have never been any distance away from my purse, but I suppose that's what cushy live in suburbia does to you... makes you feel safe.

I was at the grocery store to pick up dog food, and since it was the middle of the week, there were not many people in the store so it was quiet and uncrowded- my favorite way to shop. There was another woman on the aisle, who piqued my suspicion as she crept closer to my basket. However, I am not the type of person to automatically assume the worst, in people especially, so I didn't think too much of it. The gears started clicking in my head as I realized she was stooped over looking at a 50 lb. bag of kibble with no shopping cart to put it in. Unbeknownst to me, her little act was her cover for reaching into my purse and snagging my wallet. I hurried to my purse - suspicions heightened - only to find that my wallet was missing.

It's funny the things you think about when presented with a situation like this. Again, I take full responsibility for being naive and too trusting when it comes to other people's character. This is not the first time it has gotten me in a pickle. So I'm looking in my wallet thinking -

"Holy crap, where's my wallet?"

"Did I leave it at home?"

"Is it in the car? Did my purse spill out on the way here?"

And other various ridiculous questions to myself. When I finally resigned myself to the fact that this mystery woman had indeed taken my wallet, I began pursuit. (All of this happened in literally 30 seconds...) But of course, being quite the little expert at theft, she was long gone and so was my wallet.

Luckily, I don't have a large wallet with lots of important stuff in it. All she got was my drivers license, and 2 debit cards that I was able to cancel within 10 minutes. Of course, that didn't stop her from rushing to CVS and spending $450 first. (Who the heck can spend $450 at CVS?)

The silver lining to this situation is that apparently this woman is a "repeat offender" and they have been trying to nail her down for months. Apparently I am the first victim that has her on video. She was on video 3 times at the grocery, 1. stealing my wallet out of my purse, 2. running out the side entrance, and 3. getting in her car driving away... in all instances she was clearly holding my wallet in her right hand. They got her face on video again at CVS using my card. (Don't even get me started on why the HELL they didn't ID her for a purchase that large with a debit card.)

Anyway, the officer I have been working with has been really great, and this is apparently a pretty big deal because the DA is filing felony charges on her for the amount of $ she spent plus the theft, plus the other 4 cases they've been trying to get her on. So that's a plus.

The bank will refund the fraudulent charge when I get the paperwork filled out, and I will have to go get a new DL, but otherwise I am happy to be involved in this situation. At least my unfortunate ordeal has put me in a position to help put a pathological criminal behind bars on a felony charge.

That being said, my personal space has now been extended to a 3 feet radius around me, and my purse will no longer ride in the buggy, but will be firmly placed on my arm. Anyone not respecting this new resolution will be dealt with in whichever way I see fit. I may be a "nice person" but I certainly possess an underlying but extraordinary ability to tongue lash any potential malefactor into a puddle on the floor.

Everything happens for a reason... I just wish the things crossing my path these days didn't result in a hardening of my heart. I guess that's what it means to grow up... realizing the world is not an idealistic place where things always work out the way you want them to.

bare feet.

2009-09-18T11:37:00.002-05:00

I used to play sports... all of them. Volleyball, Basketball, Tennis... whatever the school was doing I was doing. It was fun - at one point I was the fastest long distance runner in our program. ME: Miss I-Hate-To-Run. Unfortunately, at some point during my Tennis stint, I hurt my knee. I don't know how and I don't know precisely when it happened, but suddenly it was seemingly impossible to work out. It hurt too much and the doctors warned that if I didn't stop whatever I was doing to aggravate it, I would have to have surgery. Painful, horrible, invasive surgery. Surgery that wouldn't even guarantee that I would be able to ply sports again.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've never been that person who lives for sport. No way. But it was fun, and team sports gave me a chance to be a part of something and have friends that held the same interests. So was I devastated? Not really.

But now I'm getting older. It's more difficult to keep excess weight off without working out, and so it has started to accumulate. A couple of months ago I started working out with a trainer - at first it was good. I was feeling better and really getting back into the swing of things. Round about week 5 I started hurting really bad.

"Hello Rachael, it's me, your right knee. Did you forget about our arrangement? Apparently so... let me remind you. ZING!" And thus ensues the shooting pain under my knee cap. :(

At this point, I can't sit "indian style" on the floor anymore. I can't squat down without my right leg extended, and I won't even mention the things I can no longer "do" with hubby. It's really disappointing. Really. So I started researching. (Let me just say that I am never going to be interested in any kind of surgery unless I am unconscious and someone decides for me... plus, who can afford that right now anyway? No thanks... on to the research.)

I came across a study about feet. Yes, feet... seems unrelated, no? Apparently there is all kinds of research and evidence to support the health of your entire body tied in with your feet. Your bare feet to be specific.

Whether you believe in God or science, there is undeniable proof that our bodies were designed to operate at its best when it operates bare footed. Doctors agree that most adult foot problems would not exist were it not for the addition of shoes. While some shoes are better than others, they all do damage that could be prevented by going barefoot. Additionally, there were no recorded foot-related problems in history until the introduction of proper shoes. That's not even taking into consideration how high problems and surgery numbers have risen in the wake of high heels and pointy women's shoes. Anyway, it's all connected, feet, ankles, knees, back and neck. A vast majority of the problems like mine and other feet/leg/back problems come from this shoe thing.

Here are some websites to check out if you're interested in learning more:

Major Health Benefits of Going Barefoot

For Fancy Feet, Take Off Your Shoes

Society for Barefoot Living

Barefoot and Healthy

In any case, the point of me sharing this with you was to tell you that I've started working out barefoot. Running the treadmill mostly, but anything else that happens to be going on I try to do barefoot. Let me just say that I found knee relief immediately.

While I hardly feel any pain at all anymore, my knee bothers me less and less every day, even though I'm working out at the same intensity for the same amount of time. Not only that, but my back hurts less (already a problem for someone like me with abnormally huge breasts for my frame), and I have fewer neck problems (an old injury stemming from a careless 5th grade school bus driver who almost threw me through the front window of the bus).

In any case, I am a believer. That sounds like it's faith... it's not faith, it's science. And I am damn glad I did it! :)

a new day.

2009-09-17T12:58:00.005-05:00

(picture hubby took one morning and sent from work... yes, I said "work")

I've been trying to hard to re-motivate myself. I think that maybe I'm finally on the right track. I haven't been writing much, though I've been thinking about it daily. I'm not sure where my motivation went to write, but I just haven't had it in me for whatever reason. I am working on that... I won't bore you all with the details of the past couple of months, mostly because it's just to difficult to "get caught up" when what I really need is a fresh start.

I've been working at home and helping out as much as possible with my husband's business when I can. I do think I am feeling the absence of daily personal interaction with other people. So far that's been the biggest hurdle for me in working at home. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the fact that I don't have to get up at 6am anymore, so I can stay in bed and watch the news/Today show until 8 and then get going on my day. Since I've been home I've also been able to develop a relationship with my treadmill that was previously nonexistent. Thus, this morning I was able to get into the smaller size jeans I've been saving for just this moment. :)

Of course, my very most favorite thing about being home is getting to enjoy my yard and garden on a daily basis. I am able to get up and enjoy the morning sun with my flowers, and take the time to water each one thoroughly and gently without having to rush out the door... or worse, not do it at all. The weather is changing here. Not much, but just enough to feel the weight of the boggy humidity lifting. That in itself is a blessing... humid air and I do not get along at all. I've also been able to take some time to plan for the next season. Shall I dig up bulbs, or should I plow out a new section for an herb garden? Hmm...

Over the past few months I have also undergone some intense emotional revelations. When I moved here after I graduated college, I was so excited about the prospect of a new life, new people, and new things to do. I absolutely love Houston and everything it has to offer. I will always look back on my time here fondly and remember all the memories through the years that have helped me to grow up, and to really understand who I am and what I want out of life. That being said, I'm ready to move on.

It's taken some time but I've finally been able to move past some of the things I've been needlessly clinging to for the past couple of years. I've always felt like I needed to be close to the city- the city is where the work is, and the city is where things "happen"... it's all I know. I no longer feel that way. I think it's because I'm so inspired by my husband who has just gone out there and gotten "it". I can see now life is what you make of it... it doesn't have to be confined to just one area, you have every piece of the puzzle to make a life within yourself without needing the big buildings, fast paced life, and pretentious expectations that a big city like this puts on you.

I feel free. And now I want to go somewhere.

Hubby and I have been discussing moving to the country. Well, here it's not really "country" so much as wooded hills and lakes that you can just disappear into. This is something he's always wanted, but I have always made it extremely clear that I was in no way interested in that. Like I said, I always felt like I needed to be close to the city... and that blind commitment kept me from being able to even imagine what it might be like to be elsewhere.

Our discussion this time was initiated by me. I'm ready, no scratch that, I'm yearning for something else. Something more private with more space and more nature. A place we can shape together to be a home for our family - the kind of place that would be magical for children to grow up. I imagine looking out my kitchen window - not at the fence shared with our neighbor - but at a huge backyard with no fence, and no visible neighbors at all. (Don't get me wrong, I love our neighbors here, but it's just a bit crowded. Nothing spoils your privacy like the neighbor talking to you through the fence when you just want to lay in the sun and daydream.)

The thing is, I no longer feel "connected" to the city. The industry I was drowning in has all but dissolved here, and it was never "my" industry anyway, I was just limping it along because I thought I was supposed to. My friends have all moved elsewhere, so there are really no people in the city that I'm connected to either. It just seems like things are finally falling in line, all the makings of a long-needed "goodbye" I guess.

It's strange to me how much I have changed in the past year. It's so easy to let the unimportant things in life go when you have someone by your side holding you up and reassuring you that everything will be okay. I've always been the kind of person who holds onto things, as if I must cling to them "just in case" something happens. Connections with people who I don't need to be connected to, connections with feelings that should have long ago been flushed, and connections with places that are now meaningless in retrospect. I can let go of past hurts, I can let go of people who are no good for my life, I can take risks that I never would have taken knowing that I have my wonderful sweet hubby standing by my side. It's a blessing that I've never felt, let alone even been able to fathom before now. Every day the two of us get stronger together, and that only makes things easier, better... it helps me grow, which is a fantastic feeling!

So I guess you could say that in the last few months I've been saying goodbye. Goodbye to the big city life bogging me down. Goodbye to the people in my life who may have been holding me back. Goodbye to the hurt memories of things past, and goodbye to all preconceptions.

I am just me, and that is all I want to be from here on out. I want to enjoy life through MY eyes, not through the eyes of someone who says it should be a certain way. I want to seek out the things that are interesting to me, not because I feel like I have to, but because I want to. I want to simplify life, not let it become complicated with unnecessary things. I want to cook, I want to create, I want to garden, I want to have babies, and I want to LIVE - not just get through the day-to-day stuck in a cubicle between 8 and 5 like everyone else I see out in the real world. There's more to life than that and I don't want to look back one day and feel like I missed it because I was blind.

good morning america.

2009-09-03T09:39:00.002-05:00

This morning I went outside to water my plants, check my tomatoes, and test the pool water as I always do. I enjoy the quiet of the morning, before people let their barking dogs out into their yards, before there are cars driving through the neighborhood, before the real meat of the day begins.

What was different about this morning however, was the faint addition of music wafting over the rooftops and into my backyard. Once I was able to identify this mysterious song, I recognized it immediately...

"This land is your land, this land is my land,

From California, to the New York Island,

From he Redwood Forest, to the Gulf Stream waters,

This land was made for you and me..."

I have to assume it was being broadcast from the elementary school down the street, but I found it especially heartwarming this morning as I puttered outside. :)

i have heart :)

2009-09-01T13:47:00.004-05:00

Though recently I've sort of been taking an unofficial hiatus, I received a message from Harmony at "Harmony's Travels" tagging me as a part of the "I Have Heart" blog series. First, thanks to Harmony for thinking of me!! I know I've been kind of MIA lately, but I hope that situation will change very soon. In the meantime, I am taking my opportunity to share my heart with you all. :)

The instructions for this series are:

With as much creativity as you can muster, show your heart in a picture, in a poem, in a song (or music piece), a phrase or quote, an item of clothing, a place, and with a Disney Princess.

So here goes!!

1. Picture:

Photo of hubby and I. He is my heart. Though this is not the best shot we've taken together, it is a candid moment in which you can truly see the love between us, and therefore it is my favorite. He has changed my life in so many ways, it's impossible to relay that to another person. We always say that we wish there was a better way to say "I Love You" because those three small words just don't seem like enough. He's taught me to true meaning of unconditional love, and with him I am happier than I have ever been, and anticipate each new day with new excitement because I have him to share them with. Our first wedding anniversary is Sunday, September 6th, and I can say without reservation that each year with him is the best one yet. :)

2. Poem:

"So Just Kiss Me"

by Jewel

So just kiss me, and let my hair messy itself in your fingers.

Tell me nothing needs to be done,

No clocks need winding,

There is no bell without a voice needing to borrow my own.

Instead, let me steady myself in the arms of a man who will not ask me to be what he needs,

But lets me exist as I am,

A blonde flame,

A hurricane

Wrapped in a tiny body

That will come to his arms like the safest harbor for mending.

I chose this poem because I like to think that my heart is free. I am myself, and comfortable in my own skin. Though there are important people in my life, I will always be me, not someone else's version of myself. I think this poem reflects that desire and the decision to live my life true to myself, while still being able to thoroughly enjoy everything going on around me.

I think that's one of the reasons I cherish my hubby as much as I do - he is my rock and my heart, but he loves me because I am me, and he would have it no other way.

3. Song:

I have never been good at choosing one single song to pinpoint a feeling, but I think the song in my heart is Debussy's "Claire de Lune." It's simple, beautiful, and always makes me feel introspective.

There are so many songs that I love, but each one would have to embody a specific mood or time period. I gravitate toward meaningful lyrics, from The Beatles, Jewel, Cat Stevens, and the like.

4. Quote:

"Freedom is not just a dream. It's there, just on the other side of those fences that we build all by ourselves." -Anthony Hopkins

Anything is possible, I believe that in the deepest parts of my soul. However, we must first let go of our predispositions, our reservations, and anything else that may hold us back. I try to remember this every single day and live by this credo.

5. An item of clothing:

I absolutely love pajama pants. In all honesty, I would live in them if it were possible. They're so comfy, cozy, versatile, and easy. I have one pair I love most that I bought from Victoria's Secret- they're called "boyfriend pants" and they are fleece on the inside, and t-shirt material on the outside. They are baggy, long enough to cover my feet, (which is always a requirement of pj pants... long long long) and they have pockets!!

6. Place:

Home. As simple as that. Home can change based on your location, your state of mind, and your dreams. Home for now is in South Texas, but someday hubby and I dream of moving to North Carolina. The breathtaking views, nature, and traditional lifestyle is just so appealing to us. Neither of us have strong roots in any one place, so the idea of taking off and grabbing our own slice of earth is heaven. :)

7. Disney Princess

While I think most little girls dream of the Cinderella story, mine would have to be Ariel from "The Little Mermaid." Ariel wanted to see the world, as do I, and I marvel at her insatiable curiosity for life. I always secretly wished I could be a redhead too. Plus I can sing every song by heart, so it's a no brainer. haha!

That was fun, though definitely not as quick and easy to do as I thought it would be! :) Thanks again to Harmony for tagging me on this one... and for sharing HER heart too. :)

exciting things on the horizon!

2009-08-12T08:15:00.000-05:00

Well, as it's been several months since we started trying to get pregnant, you can imagine that we're becoming a bit impatient. So... we've decided it's time to meet with a fertility doctor. It's a little scary to think about, mostly because most people I've known who have gone the "fertility" route end up with multiples.

There's no doubt in my mind that hubby and I would make fantastic parents, but can I really handle more than one at a time? Plus, with multiples, you always run the risk of being bedridden for MONTHS before the birth. Which I'm sure the people at my job wouldn't be very keen on. They gave me SO much crap about missing 2 days of work for my wedding, and even docked my pay for it (cruel, eh?), so I have little faith in cooperation from them with a pregnancy.

However, the biggest dream of my life is is to be a mother, and J and I have talked about this for literally years. So... I'll have to put my faith in God's plan, and hope that things work out for the best. In the last year, I've really begun to make an effort to relax and know that things in life are not always determined by our actions, but by a bigger plan. If I can do that and just go with whatever comes my way, I find myself much more at peace... which is definitely good!

Anyway, so we've been doing some research on doctors, and are making our first appointment next week! Yay!!

concert mania.

2009-08-02T10:21:00.002-05:00

I'm having a quiet morning, thinking about alot of things. I haven't posted in awhile, but I've always got blog ideas rolling around in my head. I have at least 3 a day, but somehow cannot find the time to flesh them out and get them posted. I've even got one that's about half finished still sitting in "draft" mode. Life seems full lately.

Even though I could never retrieve those old blog thoughts and write them the way I had intended to then, I thought I would at least try to hit some of the high points, so I can get them out of my head to make room for more. :)

Hubby and I went to the Aerosmith/ZZ Top concert a couple of weekends ago. It was SO great. We've been in this mode of hitting up every "rock legend" concert we can get tickets to since this may be the only opportunity to do so. (With them aging and retiring, etc.) ZZ Top is from Houston like us, so it's always fun to see them come back home and play for the people they know. Billy Gibbons lives in a hotel not far from our old house. haha! They are showmen, and it is VERY evident that they love their fans! I've seen them a few times over the years - it never gets old, and they never seem to waver.

Aerosmith on the other hand, I have never seen live. I have been listening to their music since I was like 7... which means 20 years plus everything from the 70's and 80's. That's quite a career, and I've always been totally smitten with Steven Tyler (well, what girl hasn't been, eh?) Needless to say, he's definitely showing his age, but he still has the "it" thing that makes women swoon, and can dance his ass off too! One of the things you can never be sure of when attending a "legend" concert is which songs they will play. We've been to a few where someone is trying to re-ignite their career and plays mostly stuff we've never heard. In those instances, I can't help but be like, "yeah... that's not what made you a legend... give us the good stuff!!" Well, Aerosmith delivered anything and everything I would have expected them to, which made it all the better! They were wonderful, and I'm glad we got the opportunity to go, and with such great seats thanks to my in-laws. :)

Not two days later I went with a friend to see Coldplay in concert. Their show was well orchestrated visually and effects-wise, but I have to say that I think Coldplay might just be one of those bands that sounds best in hi-def dolby surround stereo. I've heard bands like that before- that just aren't as inspiring and moving live as they are on CD. But it was still a great experience. We were on the outskirts of a thunderstorm, and at this outdoor venue, the breeze was swirling all around and the lighting was giving quite a show of its own... Needless to say, the synchronous interlacing of music and nature was quite an ethereal experience.

Tonight, we are going back to this same outdoor pavilion venue to see Bob Dylan, Willie Nelson, and John Mellencamp. THIS is a show to get excited about. I've seen Willie many many times, and even got to meet him once at a college function (just happened to be in the right place at the right time). While I can't say I've ever head the pleasure of smoking with him on his tour bus, I hope to magically find myself presented with that opportunity someday. haha!

Bob Dylan has been around forever. He's written volumes of music for himself, and just as much for other huge musicians also. He's compiled with the greatest of the great, and is a genius in his own right. Now, I will happily qualify that statement by recognizing that, in many cases, it's nearly impossible to understand what the heck he is saying. Hubby loves the underground Dylan stuff, but when I can't understand music, I lose interest quickly. However, in spite of that small misgiving, I can certainly appreciate him for what he's done and in such magnitude. I mean, here's the guy that people can't understand most of the time, and when questioned about it, basically says,

"F@$% you- I write for me, I sing for me, and if you don't like it or don't want to hear it, then don't listen. Don't presume to read meanings into my music, because you don't know me, and you don't know what I was thinking or what I meant."

I love that. Because it's real and it's honest.

And then there's John Mellencamp, (or John Cougar, or John Cougar Mellencamp, haha!). Who doesn't love "Jack & Diane"?? He's like the pop guy of the three... and has more hits than I can even remember, but I am super-stoked about seeing him too.

I guess I've always loved concerts- and when it's people who have truly shaped the direction music has gone in the last few decades, it's even more special to me. So, we keep adding to the list, and maybe someday we can really feel like we got to experience even a sliver of the magic our parents did in the 60's and 70's... the true birthplace of rock.

What concerts have inspired you, or were really special for you??

posers.

2009-07-25T16:24:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite movies is "Across the Universe." Probably because my favorite band of all time is the Beatles. I am a flower child.

However, there is one tiny little thing that irritates me about this movie... Bono. Bono plays the uber-hippie character that sings the John Lennon songs. I detest Bono. He's a self-involved douchebag posing as an activist/philanthropist to serve his own ego and his own pocketbook. He does not deserve to even think about singing John Lennon songs.

John Lennon was a visionary. Bono is not. I am SO tired of seeing him everywhere and hearing about him every time I turn around.

Ok, I feel better now. :)

morning.

2009-07-15T08:29:00.005-05:00

Good morning world! I couldn't resist snapping a shot of my pride sunflower this morning in the early light. I just love the way they always face the sun, they brighten my day every time I see them! I should have put my hand up or something so you can see how large it is. It's roughly 10" in diameter... a huge one!

Here's a quick shot of my little cherry tomatoes. Of course, you know Tina couldn't resist getting in the photo too. She was kind of running past and it makes her look like she's almost glowing! Anyway, looks like one of them will be ripe in a couple of days, so I see some really tasty salads on my horizon.

Any interesting salad recipes you've tried lately??

homeowners associations.

2009-07-13T11:20:00.003-05:00

Does anyone else despise their homeowners association? I do.

I completely understand why they are in place. Make sure the neighborhood looks nice, that there's no broken down beater cars in the street, and people are not living on a sofa bed in their front yards. Ok. Good enough.

Why then, must they constantly harass you when your trash can stays on the curb 2 seconds longer than they deem necessary? Do these people not have lives of their own? Do they not have jobs that they go to every day? Why is it that they think in any real situation that I would be at home at 11 am to pick up my trash cans after the garbage man comes on Mondays and Thursdays? Who is home at that time?

Scratch that... I do not CARE who else is home at that time to pick up their trash cans. The fact is, my husband and I are not doodling around the house all day every day catering to the whims of the HOA. We have jobs. We have responsibilities. None of those responsibilities include making the hour commute home at 11 am to pick up my trash cans and put them back in the garage, and then making the hour commute back downtown to go back to work.

Apparently life would be easier if that were the case. I would not be getting letters in my mailbox. I would not be getting certified death threat letters from the HOA, and I would not be getting FINED for doing something at MY house that I PURCHASED with MY MONEY.

I believe that makes it MY property and anyone who wants to tell me what I can and cannot do with it can shove it. Get a life HOA.

By the way... I'm sure they haven't noticed, but HOA's all across the country are coming under scrutiny for this very thing. HOA's are going out of business, getting sued for trying to take people's homes away. (Really?? You're going to take my house that I OWN away from me because my grass is 1" higher than you want it to be??) You'd think they would be more careful about choosing their battles.

I feel that I should also mention that I do not live in a master-planned community, nor is it even a community that has been built in the last 10 years. So I have to feel like this is pettiness, rather than what could be viewed as a concerted attempt at keeping one of the brand-spanking-new "hoity toity" neighborhoods on the Better Homes & Gardens List.

Needless to say, my patience is running thin. They got an earful this morning, and I will do whatever it takes to make this right. There is no reason in the world why they should be trying to take advantage of homeowners who are already paying them dues. Especially when it's over something as stupid and petty as this is. Something that I absolutely cannot control under any circumstances.

UGH. I'm stepping off my soapbox now...

on the heels of Iva Messy.

2009-07-09T14:12:00.003-05:00

As does often happen, one of the blogs I regularly read has shared a page from the book of my life. It's always so surprising when someone else writes about the very thing you're going through in your own affairs.

Here it is:

Iva Messy: A Friendship Breakup?

On the heels of Iva, the only thing I will add is this:

friend |frend|
noun
• a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection
• a person who acts as a supporter of a cause, organization, or country by giving help.
• a person who is not an enemy or who is on the same side : she was unsure whether he was friend or foe.

ORIGIN Old English frēond, of Germanic origin; related to Dutch vriend and German Freund, from an Indo-European root meaning ‘to love."

-cited from the New Oxford American Dictionary

People who are your "Friend" should show support, and care for you in the same manner as you do them. Friends do not run out on you, friends do not forsake you in the name of money, and friends do not lie or betray.

If you are associated with people who do this to you, they are in fact, NOT friends and should be eradicated from your life. At least, that's how I feel and that's the way I practice relationships within my own life.

Life is way too short to waste it on people and things that bring negativity into your life. I personally CHOOSE to have people around me who:

1. Love me as much as I love them
2. Respect me and my family the way I do theirs
3. Do not create "high school-ish" drama
4. Are positive, honest, and trustworthy
5. And enjoy every day of their lives to the fullest...
...without harming or compromising the lives of other people.

There's my 2 cents.

following your leads.

2009-07-06T11:39:00.003-05:00

(sorry about the trees... they're kind of unavoidable in my neck of the woods.)

Seems that everyone is doing a post for Independence Day: well wishes toward fellow bloggers, and rehashed fun plans, etc. While my weekend was exceptionally wonderful, I'll leave my description at:

A 3 day weekend full of food, fun, friends, family, swimming, sun, fireworks, and partying. Needless to say, I am exhausted!

The pinnacle of this weekend for me was standing in my backyard around 9-10pm listening/seeing all the fireworks going off in the sky around us. This was my first Independence Day in many years that I have lived in the suburbs. It's a totally different experience from living in the city... Much of what we could see and hear was being set off by neighbors, and other people in and around our subdivision. For the first time on the 4th of July, I felt a sense of camaraderie. It was nice to look up in the sky and actually see the celebrations going on simultaneously all around us.

All of these people were celebrating our country, celebrating our freedom, and celebrating the brave people who serve in our country's armed forces so that we may maintain this freedom. That night was truly the physical manifestation of the people rising up to honor this tradition, and commemorate our fellow Americans. It was extremely moving.

As I stood there enjoying the ever-changing colors and shapes streaming across the sky, and waiting on my hubby to come out and start our own backyard show, I had a moment of clarity. I was overcome by feelings of reverence, and wondered if the Americans of decades past would be touched by our extravagant displays of commemorative pyrotechnics.

I think they would. Can you imagine what Independence Day looks like from above??

hilarious read!

2009-06-30T20:44:00.000-05:00

This is a new blog I'm reading... and the funniest story I've heard in awhile!!

My Mess of Motley Musings: Flying's Da Bomb: "http://tiny.cc/mazIM"

in the city.

2009-06-23T15:32:00.001-05:00

Today was a beautiful day. There was like zero smog, the sky was SO blue, the clouds were SO fluffy and white. If it hadn't been 100 degrees with 90% humidity... it would have been perfect. I do love summer time in the city.

working through the work.

2009-06-22T12:32:00.002-05:00

It seems like no matter when it is that I stop to take stock of my life, it is always filled with things.

Last week I approached an anniversary that I would rather forget, one that changed my life and my husbands forever. June 19, 2008 I lost my job. To make a REALLY long story short, I had invested 5 years, countless overtime hours, not to mention blood, sweat and tears into my job. It was my plan, it was my future, and I was safe there. Or so I thought. Things came crashing down in such a way that is unreal even to me (the person who experienced it!).

What made it worse, was that my husband had just returned from a 2 week stint overseas entertaining the troops with a USO comedy tour. In order to take that opportunity, and to share his support with our troops, he had to leave his job the week before he left for Iraq. I was totally supportive, and we were totally secure. I was making more than enough salary for the both of us, and it was important thing in both of our hearts that he go over there and share some laughter with the people who need it most.

Within days of his return, I lost my job and we were beside ourselves. Both of us unemployed only a mere 3 months before our big Vegas wedding weekend. Needless to say, wedding aside, we were at our lowest point imaginable.

So last week and this I have been thinking about the last year and everything that has happened. This time last year we had nothing but each other. Luckily I had savings earmarked for the wedding, so we were able to keep up with bills, etc. and my parents generously supplemented the wedding fund to help us through. But we were at rock bottom, with only each other to cling to. I think that time is one of the most prominent in the "history of hubby and I" that really solidified our future in my mind. Don't get me wrong, I always knew I wanted to marry him, but after all that, I knew life could throw nothing at us that we could not endure together.

(The cat4 hurricane that nearly wiped us off the face of the planet on the weekend IMMEDIATELY following our wedding was another instance of that solidarity...)

So what did we do? The only thing we could do. We picked each other up and clawed our way back out. I took the first job that came along, and so did he. (in this economy, we were fortunate to get work so quickly...) Now, only a year later, hubby has established his own business that has him booked solid for the next 4 months. I have implemented a new division at my job that has subsequently allowed me to cut my office hours down to Tuesdays and Thursdays, and be at home the rest of the week.

Not only are we doing better financially than we were back then, but we're happier. We worked hard to get back up, and I think it means more now. It means that no matter what speed bumps we may come across, we know we are capable of starting over - starting from scratch if needed.

It's hard for me to look back and not remember the anger and betrayal we felt then. Nothing could have prepared us for what happened, but I am SO proud of us for getting back up, and getting going. Things have improved so drastically since then, and it's only been a year!I see terrible headlines about people committing suicide, killing their families, burning their foreclosed houses down, etc. and I think... my GOD. So many people are struggling, so many people feel that they have nowhere to turn. It is those times when we must look within ourselves and determine what we are really made of.

I pray more now. Hubby definitely prays more than he did then. And every single day I thank the Lord, my lucky stars, and any other higher power that will listen for giving us the strength, endurance and gumption to keep going and stay positive.

There are no dead ends in life. Only opportunities to make a new path.

ode to dad.

2009-06-21T15:42:00.004-05:00

Today is for the fathers. And though I'm 600 miles away from mine, I still think about him every single day.

Until my husband came along, he was "the" man in my life. I compared every other man to my Dad, each one required to be at least as smart, at least as funny, and hold me in the very highest regards. I expected nothing less from any other man who wanted to be a part of my life than I receive from my Dad. I knew within a couple of dates what my Dad would think about the boyfriend of the moment, and it always played at least a minor part in my decisions to move forward in relationships. I'm sure that's why I ended up with such a great husband. ;) I know he was proud the day he walked me down the aisle towards the man who would vow to take care of me for him forever.

My Dad taught me nearly everything I know. He prepared me to be a well-educated, well-rounded individual, and spared no affection in the process. He never let any preconceived macho manly instincts overshadow his affection for his little girl. My Grandma tells me now that he was never that way until I was born. Back then, people just weren't that affectionate I guess. He taught me that no matter what, you should never fail to let the people you care about know that you love them. Hugs were always a priority.

He's spent his life making sure that I did not go without, no matter what that meant for he and my mom. We never knew any of the stresses of being an adult, because they never put that upon us. Even though we never went without we were still raised to appreciate the value of the dollar, and had jobs as soon as we were old enough. We were never spoiled, but were as happy and well adjusted as 2 kids can really be.

I know once I do have my own children, it will be one of the great joys of his life as well as mine. No matter where life takes me from here, no matter how old I am or how many of my own children I may have, I am truly and eternally his little girl.

So today, I say thank you to my Daddy. Thanks for always being everything I needed, and everything I could have ever asked for. :)

XOXO

flash in the pan.

2009-06-08T23:50:00.002-05:00

Well, as things often have a tendency to do, they've changed again already. Upon further inspection and discussion of my newfound "opportunity," things were not quite what they seemed. Not necessarily in a bad way, but in a way that sort of made the whole thing a load of crap. After much thought, prayer, and discussion with the hubby I feel pretty good about the the fact that things didn't work out, as well as the imminent change in my other job. We've decided to go with the changes with the company I'm with, and I'll work from home and adhere to the new schedule they've set forth for me. God has mysterious ways, and I know there is a reason for all of this.

The extra time at home will certainly make for less stress, and allow me to tie up some loose ends as we're still trying to get pregnant. Hopefully the new schedule will be a blessing in the future if we ever do get pregnant. I would love to be able to be home with my baby any amount of time that I can be.

So for now, we'll tighten our belts a little bit and replenish our savings while we can. Thankfully, the hubby's business is doing well, so at least we don't have to worry there. :)

when life hands you lemons, make lemonade!

2009-06-04T10:19:00.004-05:00

One of my very favorite bloggers, Harmony of Harmony's Travels, sent me the lemonade award yesterday! As this is my first award as a blogger, I am very grateful! I am grateful of ALL of the people who read my blog, and those of you who allow me to read yours as well.

I love the prospect of reaching out into cyberspace and connecting with people who have positive, insightful outlooks on life, and who I can relate to on a personal level as well. I find inspiration and determination reflected through Harmony's blog, and am always looking forward to the next installment. :) If you have not checked her out, you definitely should! I would also like to take this opportunity to thank Harmony for the recognition and her continued support of my blog! :)

I believe the protocol for this type of thing is to pass it on to someone new who makes a difference in your blog world. For me, it's going toThis blogger is always sharing positive information, wonderful stories, and spectacular photos. I get a perspective from her that I always enjoy, so Lover of Life at LIFE IN THE SECOND HALF, this one is for you! Thank you for the inspiration and the continued support!

Actually, thanks to EVERYONE for their continued support & love. :) It always makes my day!

till death do us part.

2009-05-31T09:13:00.001-05:00

I found some inspiration from a blog I follow "If I wasn't laughing, I'd be crying..." about marriage, etc. Thanks for the inspiration, K!

I am sick to death of hearing about this John & Kate Plus 8 crap. First of all, these people were given a VERY privileged opportunity to make a great deal of money from their little reality show. Who wouldn't be grateful for that? Apparently they aren't.

From what I understand they were chosen for this privileged opportunity because of their story and their great family values. Now, all I'm hearing about is how one is cheating on the other, all the whining and accusations those scenarios bring, and how there may be divorce on the horizon for them. No mention of the children, (isn't that what the show is supposed to really be about?) no mention of them working things out... nothing. The parents are too busy wallowing in their "fame" with their makeovers, new cars, and paparazzi to care about their children or the future of their marraige. THEN they have the audacity to complain about the media's invasion of their privacy, the constant attention, and the unfortunate situations they've been put in. Boo freakin' HOO! Poor, poor little celebrity. My heart just bleeds for you. Maybe if you had been paying attention to your family, and concerned with the well being of your partner, you would not be in this oh-so-terrible situation.

I think it's just another sad, sad testament to the direction in which our society has gone. Right into the pooper.

Very few people still hold marriage in the high regards that you're "supposed" to. If you don't agree with it - then don't get married! Stop using divorce as your get out of jail free card, and take responsibility for your actions. Marriage is not play time, it's not something you do on a whim, and it's not something you're supposed to just "change your mind about." This is not to say that marriage is not a wonderful, joyous, magnificent expereince. While it is a very serious commitment, it should still be fun and great... if you truly are in love, and truly marrying the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

what's old is new.

2009-05-28T16:57:00.003-05:00

Remember my old blog I mentioned several weeks ago? (floundering in blog land)

Well, since blogger, google, and blogspot have completely failed to help me crack into my old account, I decided it was time to find a better solution. Luckily, the "new" blogger lets you edit your post times, so I merged them all together! The only downside was that I lost all of my comments... of course I lost all of the comments from the blogs I imported from myspace and facebook too, so I guess that's no biggie.

In the very oldest section of Rachael's Carrma are several blogs from 2002-2005 freshly imported to rest here with the other random musings I've posted. Some of them are pretty great, and some of them are just ventings of a youngster. In any case, they're ALL now here together and that makes me feel complete. :)

mysteries of life.

2009-05-20T11:52:00.006-05:00

"hugging people"

“Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.”
- Cecil Beaton, photographer and fashion designer

Life is very mysterious in so many ways. It brings us hurt and pain and suffering, but it also brings us hope and love and opportunity. It changes us throughout the years, slowly altering who we are and how we perceive things. It even changes us daily, sometimes without us even knowing it.

It is the ultimate reason for being, and the one thing that connects us all. And though our stories may be different, and our plights varied, we are all moving toward the same end. Not to be morbid, this is about seeing the light. Being aware of your surroundings and doing everything in our power to make this life better. Better for me, better for you, better for our children and our children children.

We are never alone, and our actions (no matter how small) always have consequence. A smile, a wink, a hug can change someones day. It can change someones future. The same is true of a frown, an angry word, or gesture.

Times are hard for many people out there now. It is in these times that we must be mindful of ourselves and our actions, because not only do we affect ourselves in our everyday lives, but we also affect others. The lady you see walking her dog every morning might appreciate a smile and a wave, instead of you just jumping in your car on your way to work. The attendant in the parking garage might appreciate a bottle of water... or at least you not leaving yours under your car when you leave.

Try something different today. Something positive. Something that just might make you feel better, and will definitely make someone else feel good! Now is the time to reevaluate ourselves, our lives, and our patterns. As we reach the bottom, it is only then that we can make a conscious decision to rise back up to the top.

meditating.

2009-05-20T10:37:00.005-05:00

I just read a very interesting study posted by NPR about the effects of psychedelics on your brain, and the correlation between those effects and the spiritual experiences that result. Very interesting read...

"The God Chemical"

It made my mind wander back to a topic I touched on recently about spirituality. I read this study and could not help but wonder if these people are leaning toward some unconventionally hard to swallow conclusions? Does a person's spirituality come from deep seeded beliefs, or can they actually be induced by the likes of psychedelics? If they CAN be induced, does that discredit the fundamentals of spirituality, or confirm it?

My thoughts are, if a spiritual experience can be induced in a controlled state, it can't be real. If you have absolutely no preconceived notion of spirituality or religion, will you too have an experience, or must the idea already exist in your mind in order for it to come out when prompted by a catalyst?

So many questions and I have so few answers. I personally have absolutely no experience whatsoever with psychedelics, so I don't even know where to start with this. Part of me wants to suggest that if you expect to see God, you will. One test group that was studied in the 60's was a group of divinity students... and of course, they had a spiritual experience. But wouldn't we expect them to? These people are deeply involved in religion and the study of so it would certainly make sense that the topic in the forefront of their minds is the one that is rendered upon induction.

While I certainly enjoyed this study, and will continue to follow up on its progress, I have definitely taken note of the fact that they have yet to mention any negative side effects. We've all heard of someone who has experimented with similar substances and believed themselves to be being eaten by bugs, or attacked by their sofa, or something equally as alarming. I feel like these experiences need to be studied as well as the spiritual experiences, and maybe we need to be studying the drugs with their short AND long term side effects, and not just whether or not they can "make you see God" when administered in a clinical setting.

Does psychedelic-induced spirituality = God?

Or is it just drugs messing with our brains and tapping into our thoughts and beliefs to self-project wild hallucinations?

buried memories.

2009-05-19T16:44:00.000-05:00

I sat in my living room last night crying, alone. J was working late and I was fishing through old pictures from my childhood. Last Christmas, for my brother and I, my mom scanned and burned a disk of all of our family photos from when we were growing up. I don't think I had actually looked at it all until last night.

It made me sad for the way things were and for the way things never were.

My parents split up the summer I was 20 years old. It wasn't a huge surprise then, mostly because they had not been on speaking terms for at least a year prior to then. I was somewhat removed from the situation, and easily able to play the idealist because I was off to college already, not living in the thick of it. I never really thought it would happen "for real" because we were always the perfect little family. We took road trips, had movie nights, and always stayed home on Sundays to spend time together. SO many of my friends had divorced parents, and my brother and I could never understand it. We were that family.

Both of my parents confided in me about the situation while it was coming down. Partly because I'm the oldest, and have been mature far beyond my age since I was a child, and partly because since we were such a tight knit family unit, they didn't have alot of outside friends. I became the landing board, but also found myself trying to take care of my brother, and help shield him from what was happening. He took it the worst, I think.

Maybe I just never processed the whole thing.

I only broke down once over the divorce, and it was not a "real" breakdown. I was at a house party with a few friends, and was inevitably drunk as the time period suggests, and some poor guy who had probably just been trying to get in my pants got cornered and unloaded on. Don't get me wrong, he was totally sweet about it and very understanding and empathetic to my situation, but I feel sure it was not what he had planned for his evening.

Other than the one time, I never addressed it before last night.

As I scrolled through those pictures, looking at myself as a child, I remembered things I had forgotten. Places I've been and people I've met that have all but disappeared from my life. I saw myself much as I see myself now- making the same faces, giving the same looks and exhibiting the same mannerisms... all from a tiny little person that I used to be. It was sort of surreal.

I remembered my grandparents, how they were and how they are now. My Papaw mostly, who passed from Alzheimers around the same time my parents split. He was always so jolly and BIG. He was the big man of the family and could pick you up and make you feel like a child, no matter how old you were. He suffered a long and tedious deterioration over the course of about 10 years, so I never really got to know him as a person. I looked through these pictures and saw him deteriorating physically like a reflection of his mental state. But he always loved us. Even when he couldn't remember our names anymore, he still remembered he loved us. I miss him for what he was to me as a kid, and for what he could have been to me as an adult.

There were photos of my little brother (3 years my junior). He was about the cutest thing I've ever seen, and just FULL of laughter and mischief. He was a ham, and he knew it! Of course, I was only 3 when he was born, but much as silly little girls do, I wanted him to be my baby. I loved on him all the time, and he may have been close to 5 before I ever let him get a word in edgewise. We are still very close, but things will never be quite the same as they were when we were kids. That, of course is another blog, but we both certainly had to grow up that year, and I know it was tough for him to reconcile it all... even as we clung to each other through it.

The thing that made me the saddest was seeing how happy our little family once was... all I could think about was that we are never going to be that way again. Seeing my mom and dad as young parents, smitten with their children and congealing as a whole family together. I've not seen that look of happiness in my dad since then, and I so long to be able to go back to the way things were.

I know I've been rambling for quite some time, but it all really overwhelmed me at once. It was in those moments of recollection by myself that the impact of their split hit me in the face for the first time.

My own children will never know my parents that way. My husband doesn't even know them that way. They will always be Grandma and Grandpa separately, but with the same last name. We will never again have holidays, family dinners, or vacations together. I will never get to see them hugging and loving each other as they look at my children and see their baby girl reborn. I will always have to divide my time and the time of my own family, and never will we all make plans together.

I cried for the simple fact that no matter what I do, or where I go, or how much my own life may change, I will never ever have my family again. All I'll have are the happy memories tied up in a CD full of photos from a life I can barely remember.

it's the little things.

2009-05-18T17:14:00.003-05:00

So I was admittedly feeling a little down in the mouth this morning. Let's chalk that up to a case of the Mondays. (even though I absolutely hate that phrase...) However, despite my initial cloudiness this morning, I am feeling much better now.

One very small thing turned my whole day around. It was like magic. Not the kind of magic that happens when you fall in love, but the kind of magic that happens in the Claritin commercials where the sky is suddenly bluer... or something. I went and got my nails done on my lunch break.

That in itself it always a high point whenever it happens, but I usually don't go at lunch and I never go to strange places. I've been going to see Mimi for 5 years. I love her, and she knows how I love my nails so I never have to tell her. Well, unfortunately for that situation, we moved and it is physically impossible for me to EVER see Mimi again. So I've been testing the waters in our new neighborhood looking for someone new to make me feel pretty and polished. So far, the search has not gone well.

As stupid as it may sound, what's going on at the ends of your hands effects so many of the things you do. I'm a web designer and also work some in print media, so needless to say I spend alot of time on the computer. When my hands are messed up, so is everything. Maybe that's why I was in a bad mood this morning- they had gotten too long, and the most recent in the string of nail technician auditions did not go as well as I would have hoped.

Anyway, back to the story. I did a google search for a salon near my office just on the off chance I could pop in at lunch. Even though I have never been in and out of ANY salon in less than an hour, I figured it was worth being late back to work from lunch just to get some relief. And this is why it rocked:

Less than 3 miles from my office.
In and Out in under 30 minutes.
The best looking nails I've ever had.
Even better than Mimi.
And I still had time to grab food and get back to work on time.

It's truly the smallest things in life that can make or break your day. Thank goodness for the small things. :)

it's monday.

2009-05-18T09:41:00.003-05:00

Monday's are always tough for me. I think it's partly because I never want to go to work, but it's also partly because the hubby doesn't work on Mondays, and it's hard to want to go anywhere when I know he's at home already. :) It's not that I don't like my job... I do. I just don't like the constraints of the "9 to 5-er" life, and the hour commute each morning and evening. I just don't think I was "built" for it, plus before I took this job I had quite a bit of freedom in my previous position to come and go as I please, run my pertinent errands during the day, and take time off as needed. I should have appreciated it more at the time.

But I guess I'm paying my dues now, so I need to suck it up.

The economy has really done a good job at knocking some of us down a peg. It was just about this time last summer that I lost my previous job. Not that I would have wanted to stay on much longer, but it would have been nice to have some warning. Or at least some time to plan. Instead, I went unemployed for 2 of the 3 months right before my wedding, and took the first job that popped up. I went from making nearly 6 figures, back down to making what I made at my first post-college job. It was definitely an ego check. But I am certainly thankful that I have a job at all.

I really shouldn't complain. My husband's business is doing VERY well considering what's going on with the economy, we just moved into a new house, I just bought a new car, we have a wonderful marriage, and we're thinking about babies. I just don't feel quite as useful anymore.

Normally, I would feel okay about things if I could be "Suzy Homemaker" on my off time, but even that hasn't worked out the way I would hope. By the time I get home from work around 7, there's just not much time to clean, do laundry, dishes, and dinner. So not only am I no longer bringing in the nice chunk of dough that I used to, but now I can hardly keep up with my own housework too. Don't get me wrong... my hubby helps out all the time. Plus he also does all the yard work, honey do's, and car maintenance. But he shouldn't have to... I'm plenty capable, and definitely organized, so there's no reason why I can't handle this. I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels.

It's just Monday. And I definitely feel it.

inspired thoughts.

2009-05-05T11:20:00.000-05:00

"People have this misconception of happy people, that we have no problems, never feel pain. But in reality I think truly happy people are those that have experienced the worst and have come out scarred but in one piece on the other side." -Scarlethue, A Beautiful Truth blog.

I have recently been struggling with my transition from "dark and twisty, angst ridden writer" to "happy, content, healthy relationship, married writer." It's tough sometimes.

Today, I was introduced to the blog referenced above by way of a comment that came by way of another blog that came by way of a forum. Crazy. It gave me some inspiration, though as we seem to be following some of the same paths. Isn't is funny how this little blog world works? You start out alone, venting your thoughts, clearing your head, even sometimes searching for a voice so that your insides aren't screaming all the time. One by one, peoples lives begin to intersect. You pick up a blog that sounds interesting, that picks up another blog, etc. Suddenly your following has doubled, and there are people reaching out (or reaching in rather) and connecting their lives to yours. It's pretty amazing.

Regardless of the content, there is always some common thread connecting us all. Another blog that I follow, "Life in the Second Half", has explored some of those same ideas, (AND she also has a great blog today about happiness, which is where I'm heading with this.) While some blogs follow the lives of their children, others are empty nesters, single people, animal lovers, activists, and the list goes on. And yet, we all share something with each other. I love reading these blogs and comparing lives and ideas to my own. Since I seem to have embarked on quite a search for truth and answers lately, it goes without saying that I am actively exploring. But, that's another blog entirely.

My original point in writing today was to explore this thing we call happy. Happiness is something different to every person. It's not intrinsic, it's not something you can create, it's not something you earn, and regardless of what the books and the "Oprah's" say, you can't will it upon yourself. It just happens.

Like any emotion, happiness has varying degrees and is experienced in vastly different ways by different people. The reason I really liked Scarlethue's quote is that it helped me to realize that my happiness is so much more rewarding to me because of the sharp contrast it has with some of the previous parts of my life. I've lived through bad. I've lived through sad, and hurt, and loneliness that I thought I would never surface from. I have always lived inside myself, but since my husband came along, I have finally been brave enough to let the real me out. He's the only person who knows that "me." Since he and I have been together, I have slowly been able to piece myself back together, and embrace the person I had always hoped to be.

Unfortunately, because we do have pasts, sometimes that past haunts us. There will always be remnants of memories, dreams, nightmares, and what have you that we will never escape. Little notes found buried in a box, songs that trigger a long forgotten emotional response. It happens all the time, usually without warning. There was a time when I tried to suppress these things, to make them go away. It made me feel guilty to think of the things in my past. However, I have come to regard these memories not as things to cling to, but as reminders of why I'm so happy now. They're little earmarks on the pages of my life to help me remember the paths that I took to get here. Would I be the same person without these people and things in my past? Absolutely not. So I will take my tragedy, my heartbreak, and the suffering from life's beat-downs, and move forward. I will mend the scars, heal old wounds, and piece by piece I'll be able to let go of the things that haunt me. I will be the same person, but wiser - more conditioned. The memories will diminish, and I will relish the happiness I've been blessed with; not dwell on the past, but build my future right on top of it...

And I may just end up as the happiest person ever.

fleetwood mac.

2009-05-03T11:08:00.007-05:00

Fleetwood Mac, May 2, 2009, Houston, TX

John McVie, Stevie Nix, Mick Fleetwood

Mick Fleetwood... Old as the hills and still tearing those drums up!

I am beside myself today. What an amazing concert!!

Lindsey Buckingham embracing the rock star that he is. He was so awesome...

a separate self.

2009-04-27T11:23:00.002-05:00

I am really proud of my last blog. For the first time in a long time, I felt INSPIRED! Inspired to write, inspired to learn, inspired to share it all with you. L.O.L says that I "am starting the journey" and I am ecstatic. There is a level of charged curiosity, and eager anticipation that I have not felt on an intellectual level in quite some time. While it truly is a journey, and a completely individualized search, I feel that both as an unconventionally spiritual person, and as an educated human being, I must find a way to merge the ideals that I believe in with the knowledge I have not yet tapped into.

As I was frequenting one of my favorite sites this morning, I came across the following question being posed:

"How can Science help us understand the Divine?"

with a quote by Stephen Hawking:
""If we find the answer to [why it is that we and the universe exist], it would be the ultimate triumph of human reason—for then we would know the mind of God."

That is an excellent place to start.

One of the greatest developments in modern science was discovering the placement of the Earth. We are not only one, we are part of a larger solar system that is part of a larger galaxy that is part of a larger universe. Every piece is part of something larger. Each piece, while sometimes independent in itself, cannot truly BE independent of all things. All things are part of a greater whole. This acknowledgment is as staggering regardless of whether you view the whole as society, as a chemically verifiable collection of substance, or as part of a spiritual master plan. While we do not know the extent of this whole, it is a feat in itself just to acknowledge that we are part of something bigger.

We are not special. Some may fear the emotional/mental consequences of realizing that we are not special, for in reality, we have all been told and taught our entire lives that we are unique, special, individuals, and utterly one of a kind. In theory, this is true, but in reality, it is not. We are all made from the same basic compounds, and arranged in the same basic way. While we all lead different lives, we all live and die. Even as an embryonic cluster of cells, we are alive, and we grow into something, just as the seed grows into the flower. Therefore, fundamentally we are not special; however, we are not alone as we are always a part of the whole.

Eckhart Tolle, a modern philosopher, spiritualist, and author says that the truth (which is in essence what science and religion are both after,) is that we are all one consciousness. To awaken from the illusion of identity, of separateness as an individual, of "me", is simply to become aware that we are not our own story, but the awareness of that story, and that this awareness is the same in all of us.

We ARE that awareness.
We ARE that consciousness.

Tolle claims that Jesus' statement, "I am the way, the truth, and the life" was not a statement that Jesus, the bearded, robe wearing, individual was the way, but that the awareness of our true selves, of what "I am" really means is the way. That awareness you experience, that consciousness, is God - and what comes of that awareness is heaven, is peace, is love. If I understand that properly, it is to say that God, Jesus, Buddha, and other deities of religion are merely fabricated as a person, or an individual to follow. The teachings, the ideas, and the concepts of spirituality (whatever your choice may be) are what truly congeal to form what we perceive as "spirituality." The conciousness of ourselves and our origins collectively couple with the ideas of spirituality to give us fulfillment in life, in spirituality and in God. While all the concepts are generally the same, they are all looking towards the same greater good, and the same awakening.

In essence, "the way" is to be pursuant in your questions of the universe as well as the neverending quest for enlightenment.

#100. i am a molecule.

2009-04-24T14:42:00.001-05:00

I am a molecule.
A little piece of the largest puzzle imaginable.
There are things going on around me, inside me, because of me, and without me constantly.
There are things I will never see, things I will never do, places I will never go.
There are people I will never meet, and lives I will never interweave with.
I sustain only my own tiny existence in this world, not even an entire dot on a map.
I feel very very small.
What is the purpose? Why are we here? What does it all mean?

People have pondered these questions for eons, with little, but usually no resolve whatsoever. My mind is boggled when I consider the magnitude of the world we live in. It becomes even more inconceivable to consider the universe... and whatever lies beyond. Even in my own backyard, there are zillions of lives existing day-to-day that I am never aware of.

There are creatures in the darkest depths of the ocean living in undiscovered crevices near the belly of the earth that NO ONE has ever seen. There are plants in the heart of the most remote rain forests that are being discovered only now - after millions of years. Every day, there are naturally occurring physical phenomenon taking place in the vast expanse of space. Phenomenon so beautiful and magnificent that one can hardly conceive that this is not the result of an artist brushing strokes across a starry canvas. Planets, solar systems, and stars are born in luminous glory as a mother's new baby is born in the florescent glow of a hospital room. There are people on this planet that have never seen a TV, or an iPhone, or a toaster, or a person of another race or culture - people living in unspoiled, undeveloped society completely untouched by politics, war, money, and religion.

Does that astound anyone else?

Why is that? Why are we all put on this planet to lead vastly different lives, sometimes violently separate from each other? We grow and learn and develop, only to reach the end and never experience everything there is to experience... and then we die. Some say that we are here to help each other, to love each other, and to make the world a better place. But I say, how do the bottom feeding creatures dwelling in the unimaginable darkness of the ocean benefit from me showing some brotherly love to my neighbor? There has to be a larger picture that we do not see here.

What is it? How do we find it? Will we ever know??

Until we do (or until I die... whichever comes first), I will continue being a floating collection of molecules in space, a fraction of a tick on the face of time's clock, and seek enlightenment in the unanswered questions.

floundering in blog land.

2009-04-23T11:19:00.002-05:00

I am thinking hard about what my next blog will be about. Not this blog you're reading right now, but the NEXT one. Why such a strange approach? The next blog I publish will be number 100. 100! I can hardly believe it. I've been writing forever, but I remember when I first discovered the world of blogging. It was 2002, and I was in my senior year at Texas Tech. Back then, it was really just a place I could go to post and preserve some of my better work. Unfortunately, it did not preserve very well, as blogger.com did an overhaul and I haven't been able to access my blog since. It's here, and I can still see it... but it's detached from this blog like another life... http://brainswirl.blogspot.com/

In any case, that time in my life was a very different one. I was 21, and knee deep in creative writing classes, poetry classes, and research projects. I lived in a house with my best friend, and we spent our evenings and down time out in our sun room on our computers. It was great. Oh, to be a student again. I don't believe I had a boyfriend at the time... though they came and went from time to time. I do know that I was restlessly pining away for the one I thought was "meant to be." I did quite a bit of writing about him back then. My professors loved it- you know how it is, the most heartfelt writing comes from strong emotion, and I was heartbroken and lost. I was sure we would've gotten married had I stayed there. I am glad I did not.

I was also 21, so I was really just sinking my teeth into the bar scene. I was meeting all kinds of people from all over the place and having the time of my life. Unfortunately at that point, I had no idea what I was going to do with that life post-graduation. I don't think I could have ever dreamed I would end up where I am today, and who I am today. After graduation, the blogging took a hiatus for awhile until I moved to Houston and myspace came along.

It's been a long journey, and I love to read the old posts to see the person who was writing them. Sometimes she was lonely, sometimes she was hopeful, and sometimes she was buried in a dark and twisted cocoon of self doubt. She was me, she IS me, just in a different form. It's strange to think of all the things that have happened since February of 2002 when I wrote my first blog.

Number 100 signifies merely a stopping point in that journey, and I want to make it notable, enjoyable, and significant in it's own right. I must come up with something that will properly signify the occasion.

Maybe it should have been this one. ;)

reflection.

2009-04-20T10:55:00.003-05:00

I subscribe to a blog by a woman I do not know. I read everything she posts, because it is always thought provoking, insightful, and true to life. I don't even know her name, nor have we ever spoken or met, but here's her blog: Life in the Second Half. I would like to share that with you, because I enjoy it so much.

In her blog this morning, she raised a very interesting point of view in regards to our lives in the current state of the country. While so many of us are preoccupied with our financial burdens, possible job losses, and various other unfortunate situations, should we perhaps redirect that energy towards something more positive?

Take this opportunity to start that business you've been wanting to launch. Cut back on expenses and enjoy the time you have at home with your kids now. Don't worry about going out to fancy dinners and expensive golf trips - pick up that hobby you've let go by the wayside, or start a new home project you've been putting off for a rainy day. No matter what it is, what I'm trying to say is:

It's raining, baby! Now is the time!

My husband, the go-getter he is these days, is at the tax office as we speak registering his new business. I am so happy and proud of him, he's really been working hard on it, and it is turning out to be an excellent decision!

I've been pondering some of these same scenarios myself recently. Mostly because of the recent misfortune that my car has bestowed upon me. While I am very aware of how lucky I am to have a good job in this economic climate, it's difficult to be as appreciative as I should be when I am terrified on a daily basis of getting stranded on the side of the highway during my hour commute. Sure, I could buy a new car... if my credit score was better. Or if the banks were lending. Or if we had ANY savings leftover after last year's job losses/wedding/hurricane/move. Overall, it kind of puts me in a tight spot.

Maybe this is all a blessing in disguise. Maybe all the car troubles are a gentle way of pushing me into resignation. After all, Jerry's got some really great things happening for him right now, and it just might be the opportunity I was looking for to devote myself full-time to my web business. I need a push, but I don't know if I'm ready to make that leap. I also don't want to put Jerry under any unnecessary financial stress just because of some hair-brained idea of mine. I am secretly hoping that if I did feel the need to step out, that my company would want me to work free-lance from home. After all, I was the one who started this division of the company, and I'm the one who has everything laced up here. If that WERE the case, I would do it today. Unfortunately, it's the not knowing that always kills me.

I am however finding much easier these days to be happy with where I am, who I am, and what I have. I attribute most of that to my wonderful husband, wonderful marriage, and wonderful new house. It seems to be so much easier to be content with life when everything around you is so effortless. So I guess for now, we'll just have to see where things go, and seize the opportunities when they come my way!

rain, rain, go away.

2009-04-18T13:42:00.009-05:00

It's a lovely backyard, excellent for all kinds of Saturday fun... when it's not raining. LOL If only it were sunny, I could be laying out working on my tan!

The "Jungle" front walkway. With all the rain we've been getting lately, it's getting super tropical up here. Too bad there's not room for a hot tub. LOL

My Crepe Myrtles sure do love the rain though... they are filling out nicely since I trimmed them back a couple of weeks ago.

rainy saturday.

2009-04-18T13:20:00.012-05:00

Ohhhhh Tina is hating me this morning. See, it's been raining for the last 2 days straight. Not like, a little sprinkle here and there, but full-on lightning and thunder, dark-as-night rainstorms. Needless to say, I'm a little bored, and because Tina refuses to go outside when it's raining, I decided I needed to buy her a raincoat.

She's lucky I picked her out a cute green and pink with polka dots design, and not just a boring old yellow one. At least she looks cute! The downside is, she hates it when I dress her up. Whenever I try to put anything on her- sweater, t-shirt, reindeer antlers, raincoat... she freezes. It used to be worse than it is now. She would freeze and stand in the same place for hours if you let her. Now, she'll at least follow me around until I stop so she can lay down in front of me and pout. LOL! Silly dog. ;)

Anyway... today it's raining, so I felt it would be an excellent photo op for my little Teeny baby and her new raincoat. Isn't she cute? I do wish it would stop raining as I have lots of things I need to be doing, but at least the inclement weather presents me with the opportunity to get caught up on some writing/picture posting/facebook remodeling.

At least I'm being productive I guess!

life in the grass.

2009-04-08T20:47:00.005-05:00

I came home from work today and amazingly enough, somehow the dog didn't notice. Usually she starts barking and throwing a fit as soon as one of us comes home, but she must have been distracted by a squirrel or a ladybug fart... something important I'm sure. Since she was oblivious to me, I went ahead with my business and opened up all the blinds so I could enjoy the last hour or so of daylight in the house. I noticed little Tina dog outside just rolling around lazily in the grass, laying out on her back with all four feet in the air just looking relaxed as could be. I was so jealous. I wanted to run out there and lay in the grass with her just to know the carefree life she must live. No bills, no work, no worries. Just wake up in the morning and go play outside all day until Mommy and Daddy come home and shower her with affection. She knows she's going to get fed at the same time everyday, go on car rides on Saturday mornings, and even sleep in the bed once in awhile.

I think she knows she's got it made.

new tunes.

2009-04-08T11:04:00.004-05:00

Rarely do I make music recommendations. People are very particular about their music, and are generally hard to persuade away from that. But I must say, if you are looking for something new, or something different, or even looking to fall in love with some new music, you should definitely check out Blue October's new album, "Approaching Normal."

It's incredible. He's taken his edgy, angry music, and always insightful lyrics, and turned it into something positive without losing the edge! It's great. I know I've said before that my writing has been suffering because of all the "happy" clouding up my mind anymore, so I'm totally inspired to hear someone else making that transition so seamlessly.

Blue October has always been a great escape soundtrack for life. When I've found myself in a dark and twisty place, Justin has the lyrical mastery to reflect that void back in a way that moves me to the core. But much like many of us who are growing up and finding true happiness in our lives, he's taking a more sentimental approach and sharing those same transitional time periods with us. There's at least 3 songs on this new album that bring me to tears for their resemblance to my life pre- and post-Jerry and I getting together life.

Maybe I relate to it so well because a couple of years ago, I was beginning to think I would never find happiness. Sure, I assumed I would eventually get married, and I might be happy in a way; but I never expected to feel what I feel with Jerry, and to have what we have with each other. This is just so much different, and I say this after nearly 3 years, and 4 years of being friends before that.

Back then, I was messed up. Not so bad that others really knew, but bad enough that I have volumes of journals and blogs to remind me. I was lost. Lost in a way that there are some periods of that past that I can't even remember. There were lots of things I couldn't see. I couldn't see the destrctive relationships I was in, I couldn't see the bad decisions I was making, and I couldn't see the people around me who REALLY cared about me. What's worse, Jerry was my friend for a really long time before the light switch went on regarding us. I can't even really pinpoint what it was, or exactly when, but I know when everything changed. I grabbed his face one night when we had been out hanging with friends, and told him "I love you." The rest is history.

So when I hear Blue October sing "I saw forever in my never" I understand in a way that many people probably don't. I feel the pain that was there before. I feel the excitement of realizing something very important was happening in my life. I feel the overwhelming happiness that now engulfs me entirely. It's an experience beyond just music. It's a peek into my soul... a part of my soul that I haven't thought about in a really long time, but that I should make a point to never forget.

They say without pain, pleasure has no meaning. I believe that's true.

baby talk.

2009-04-04T10:51:00.000-05:00

I love babies! I always have I guess. I was definitely the little girl who had tons of dolls, and liked to play house, and the whole nine yards. So I guess some things never change...

I see so many of my friends, colleagues, and acquaintances having their first babies, and I am green with envy. Now that I'm married, and have a wonderful, stable home life, it's even more difficult not to think about babies all the time. One of the highlights of my day is looking through facebook at baby pictures, and reading the funny/touching stories people are writing about their kids. I totally want that.

Once upon a time I used to freak out if my period was a day late. I would even freak out before then if I felt especially paranoid. But now, I secretly hope for it! Jerry and I are not "trying" to get pregnant just yet per se, but we're not NOT trying either. We figured, we're ready, why not let nature take its course? Of course, planning is my nature, so it is sometimes difficult to keep that part of me at bay. My instinct is to start reading up! Start charting the cycle and planning ovulation days, let's do this. But it feels like planning takes all the fun out of it, so I'll just have to be patient. I do really like the idea of being surprised by a pregnancy... it's more fun and less work than all the planning I hear about.

I guess my internal baby clock has finally started up and is ticking away...

aging.

2009-04-02T15:12:00.002-05:00

"We're all as old as we have ever been, and we're all at different stages of considering the aging process."

I like that quote... it's making me contemplate some things.

I took a silly little "real age" quiz on facebook and it said I'm 25. Well, though I am 27, what little flattery that quiz may have intended, was quickly trumped by the fact that it was an 8 question facebook quiz. In any case, I'm not 25. I don't even think I'm 27. I think I'm closer to 40.

I've been told I have an "old soul," that I am wise beyond my years, and much more mature than many people my age. I take this as a compliment, but I'm not entirely sure that it's always intended that way. Nor am I sure how I came to be this way. I have always heard that wisdom comes from experience, so I guess I have plenty of that.

I'm 27 and I've done the college thing, I moved to a big city, I've waitressed, I've bar tended, I've managed bars, I've worked for lawyers, I've worked in web design, I've worked for one of the most notorious lawyers in the country, I even helped write his book, I've run a multi-million dollar company, I've played major roles in launching entire companies, I've been the boss, I've been the assistant, and I've been unemployed.

From my experience, I have learned so many things. I have learned more in the last 5 years than I learned the entire time I was in college. And yet, when it comes to work and jobs and whatever, all that matters is what it says on that fancy little paper I have framed in my office.

Unfortunately, my little piece of paper says none of those things.

get back on track.

2009-04-01T10:51:00.002-05:00

I am easily distracted. Obviously. However, instead of beating myself up about my shortcoming, I am going to embrace it and hopefully make it work.

I hear this morning that newspapers are reporting their own eminent deaths. Print media is going out of style, and fast. How sad that they can see it coming?

BREAKING STORY! WE'RE GOING OUT OF BUSINESS!
BUY OUR PAPER AND READ ALL ABOUT IT!

(Not that I have much elbow room here, at least half of my job revolves around print media, but that's probably another blog.) What I do not understand, however, is why they are letting it happen? Get on that multimedia bandwagon people! Stop reporting on how your industry is going down the tubes, and get out there and try new things. Blog! Promote your online news site! Something!! Just because the company started out as a newspaper, doesn't mean it has to stay that way. Look at Proctor&Gamble. They started out as a soap and candle company in 1837, and now they produce and develop everything from dog food, to cosmetics, to batteries, to kitchen appliances. Business is all about adapting to the current economic climate, not succumbing to it. Looks like the newspapers' marketing departments are falling down on the job...

I also hear that the price of ammunition is being raised within the next month to accommodate a new tax Mr. O felt was necessary. So now, people are going to be paying almost 3 times what they were pre-taxation for their ammo. As far as the basics of economics go, it seems that this will lend to more ammo buying now (stockpiling if you will), and lots and lots of angry people.

Angry People + Lots of Ammo = Really Bad Things.

There has already been marked increases in the number of people applying for concealed handgun licenses in the last 3 months. (3 months huh... strange correlation to the timing of the inauguration.) I wish there was some explanation for this, but it seems that accomplishing personal agendas at the expense of the tax payers is what Mr. O does best. So I guess we'll see what happens. In the meantime, I'll see you guys out at the shooting range. LOL ;)

that space between the weekend.

2009-03-30T10:07:00.001-05:00

Ah yes, Monday morning... The dull beginning to that space on the calendar that lies between the weekends. I think the weekends should be 3 days. It seems like that would be a much more realistic balance between the things you have to do and the things you want to do. I always feel like I'm getting cheated.

You mean, I have to go to work and serve someone else for 5 days, and in return all I get is a measly 2 days to myself?? That just doesn't make sense. But then again, I don't make the rules. Maybe Mr. O would like to give this scenario a stab since he seems to be hell bent on giving the people "what they want" no matter how ridiculous the request. That, however, is another blog entirely.

I find that Mondays are an excellent opportunity for reflection. Today, I am spending a few moments be thankful that I didn't die.

Amid my industrious endeavors this weekend, I found myself flat on my rear, one knee deep in the deck, with a pair of branch shears in my hands. It's a miracle I did not impale myself with those shears, but somehow I managed to toss them to the side as I was tumbling to the ground. Looks like the deck needs some board replacement, as they are definitely rotted in that section, LOL. Luckily, I walked away with a bruised ankle bone and not a sprain or a break, but it sure did hurt like hell.

My reward for not killing myself: a hot bubble bath and a nap. ;) The more I thought about it, the luckier I realized I was. That situation could have gone badly in so many ways, and I am just thankful it didn't. Now... I guess I'll jump head first into the dim space between the weekends and try to power through until Friday!!

ahhh... weekend.

2009-03-28T12:44:00.002-05:00

It's Saturday. 60 degrees outside, sunny, and the petals from the dogwood tree are fluttering through the backyard. Jerry is out in the garage working on his motorcycle, the dog is playing outside, and I have nestled into the perfect spot on the couch for writing while the tunes of Miles Davis waft through the house.

This is my heaven.

I've become so domesticated I hardly recognize myself anymore. Gone are the nights of drunken stupors, and the mornings of Advil and Gatorade breakfasts. Instead of ridding myself of the latest hangover and inappropriate misdeed of the night before, my morning aspirations consist of popping into the grocery store to survey the new organic selections and working on getting my bulbs planted out back. Even the occasional load of laundry does not phase me. I rather enjoy it.

I always imagined what it would be like to have a life like this, but could never quite wrap my head around giving up the bright lights of the city. There was a time when I reveled in social status. I bumped elbows with celebrities, billionaires and Hollywood stars and thought nothing of it. I have privileged cell numbers for names you wouldn't believe stored in my phone. Every weekend was about hitting the hottest spots in town, showing off your latest and greatest outfit, purse, or shoes, and being seen. It was fun, and a life that I wanted to live. But now I'm done. That life is over, and while I look back on it fondly, I do not miss it.

I never had a good feel for who I was. In the privacy of my overpriced downtown loft, I knew who I was... but I tried to ignore her so I could be who I thought I should be. It's amazing I still have any friends left. I had to be obnoxious. It's even more amazing that my liver did not boycott my body altogether, consuming that much alcohol on a daily basis can not be good. But I digress...

It's nice to sit here in my sunny living room and have so many interests, projects, and loves, that I don't know where to start. I can't wait to go grocery shopping and plan all the things I'm going to cook this week. I have a box of flower bulbs I am ecstatic about planting out front and in the new planter box Jerry built for me outside the kitchen window. I have a brand new house, which for me, is like a blank canvas. On top of that, just about all I can think about these days is having a baby. Not that we're "trying" per se, but it seems to flood my mind whether I mean to think about it or not. So there's lots of things going on, and absolutely none of them involve anything that I used to make a priority in my life. (Except writing of course... even the tone of that has changed substantially.)

So now, I'm going to make a list (oh yes, there's lists) and jump in headfirst to my most favorite part of the week.

home.

2009-03-27T19:59:00.003-05:00

I've been seeing quite a few blogs lately talking about home. Marriage, family life, having babies, etc. I then wonder who started this and why is it now every married couple's responsibility to have a blog documenting their lives? Do we not EVER talk to each other any more?

When I think about my closest friends, I realize that the majority of our communication these days happens via facebook, text message, email, and myspace; kinda weird. But we all get busy, life gets complicated and it's hard to keep up. I supposed without the wonderful modern inventions we are so lucky to have access to, we may lose track of the people we love- and that would be tragic.

Maybe it's my turn to talk about home. I just don't want to. I'm afraid it's just going to come out sounding gushy and well, boring, to everyone else. What I love most about home is just being there. We finally made it into a new house, and not a moment too soon. Our previous house (rent house) was pretty damaged by Ike back in September, and our deadbeat landlord was too busy trying to scam the insurance company to bother with fixing anything for us. After 6 months with holes in the roof, missing fences, mold growing in the attic making us sick constantly, and no word from her... we bailed. Her insurance agent gave us the thumbs up on that one when he came back around, which was nice, but we had moved out the day before that anyway!

Now we're up in Spring, away from the crud of the city, the ghetto people who seem to pop up everywhere down there, and the bars on our windows. I like it here. Everyone is so nice and friendly everywhere you go. The first week we were here, it seemed that we were constantly taken aback by the friendliness and helpfulness of people in stores, restaurants, fast food joints, really just everywhere! How sad is it that we have to be so excited about that? It just goes to show you how sad a state things are in when the shitty service is the norm.

So I guess, in a nutshell, life is pretty good. It's really surprising how large a role your surroundings play in your life. I feel like we are real grown ups now, finally settled. Now all we need is a baby. ;)

impatience.

2009-03-27T15:48:00.000-05:00

Upon the advice of a fellow writer, I am taking my first plunge into free form, stream-of-conscious writing. I've been feeling a little blocked lately, as some would speculate, due to all the happiness in my life. I've never been happy like this before, so I don't really know how to handle it, and as a sad consequence of all this blissful living, my writing has gone to crap.

I think part of it is the gruesome 8 hours I spend at my job every day being unmotivated and unstimulated. I've had to sneak in some blog time during work just to keep myself from going insane. When I imagine writing, I think about sitting in my bright, sunshiny living room with my feet propped up and laptop in, well...lap, and just writing away undisturbed. Rarely does it happen that way. Scratch rarely, it never happens. Instead, I try to write during the day at work, but find myself being interrupted constantly, and losing my train of thought entirely. Maybe I should be more disciplined.

And here I am distracted again. I just spent about 30 minutes looking for background images for my Twitter page. Stupid.

writing.

2009-03-27T10:00:00.000-05:00

I've decided I'm going to jump right into some intensive writing. I need to get back on track, and I have been really bad about putting it off for other things. No more excuses. I'm writing every day for a month, and let's just see what happens.

Could be fun.

motivation.

2009-03-25T11:42:00.002-05:00

Motivation is like sex drive (well, at least from a female perspective.) It kind of comes and goes. And when it's there, it's like the only thing you can think about, and you're totally dedicated to every facet of the process. When it goes, you can't remember what you were all worked up about before anyway.

I've been feeling that way about my job lately. It's been so difficult to stay motivated, because everything around here is so unorganized.

When I was hired, I took a few weeks to really learn the business and dive in head first. After that, I was bored. I was tripling the previous sales margins, and signing huge clients left and right. Great, huh? BORING! I had been piddling with minor projects here and there, database organization, a system for inventory tracking, more marketing projects... but it still wasn't enough.

After only 3 months of working here, I pitched an idea for a new division of the company to my boss. Turns out, she loved it and was looking to do something along those lines in the future anyway. How thrilled she was with me and my ideas and my executions! Yay! Finally something interesting to do. Long story short... things are up and running, duties have been delegated and I'm bored again.

Sigh.

I don't know what it is that I need to stay motivated, but this is not cutting it. I feel like I'm wasting my time and commuting an hour each way to do so. What's worse is that the pay is not even that great. Not good enough to stay very long, but not so bad that I would leave hastily. I'm stuck in mediocre HELL. Help!

25 things.

2009-01-26T21:52:00.000-06:00

Import from a Facebook post:

You are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.

1. I hate NASCAR, like, violently.
2. I'm only 27, but I feel like I'm 35.
3. Sometimes people think I'm 35.
4. I've gotten mean over the years.
5. So much so that I've actually made a comment about birth control to a woman who's kid was screaming in a restaurant.
6. That scares me because I used to be so nice. :)
7. I have a tumor in my right breast.
8. That scares me too.
9. My very first crush was Patrick Swayze... I may have been 4.
10. I do not like feet, and I really do not like them touching me.
11. I recently had to explain the concept of "tossing salad" to my boss. It was pretty damn embarrassing.
12. I love clothes shopping.
13. I can go months without ever having to do laundry.
14. I sing in the car, and I pretend that I'm REALLY good at it.
15. I love my little dog as much as I imagine loving a real baby. She just too darn cute and unbelievably smart.
16. I am a total slob. I would never clean house if I didn't have to. Thank God Jerry likes doing dishes!
17. When marijuana becomes legal, I will become a farmer's wife.
18. I have the strangest recurring nightmare about missing the school bus and running and running... What's even more strange is this is all taking place at Alamo Jr. High.
19. After hearing horror stories from other friends, I feel so blessed that I love my family-in-law so much. One of the highlights of my week is meeting them for dinner on Monday nights.
20. I am a surprisingly bad ass Rockband drummer!!!
21. My favorite movie to watch over and over is Legally Blonde.
22. I freaking love Celine Dion, but do not listen to her music when anyone else is around.
23. I believe I was a hippie in my past life.
24. I never thought twice about being pro-choice until I saw the Body Worlds 2 exhibit.
25. I'm kinda sad this is over because suddenly I have alot more I want to say... LOL

vegas marketing tactics.

2009-01-26T20:58:00.000-06:00

This little jewel came in the mail for Jerry and I today. It says: "When I do becomes I don't... we can help." There's a picture of a wedding cake with some broken bride and groom dolls on top. LOL It's basically a flier for getting a divorce. www.nevadadivorce.com. Oh yeah, and there's a coupon on the back to get a discount when filing a divorce or annulment.

What is going on here?!? All I can think is that since people like Britney Spears get married on Vegas and change their minds the next day, they must have a pretty nice business working there. I'm just imagining the employee of this company that gets sent to the marriage license office every Monday morning to pick up the list of newly issued marriage licenses. I can think of no other reason to send this kind of things to newlyweds. But it is quite hilarious, LMAO!!

At least they gave us 5 months to think about it first...

sober.

2008-12-14T23:05:00.000-06:00

Pink's new song... bears a striking resemblance to another time in my life.

I don't wanna be girl who laughs the loudest,
or the girl who never wants to be alone.
I don't wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning
because I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home.

Ahh, the sun in blinding,
I stayed up again.
Oh, I am finding
that's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection.
So how do I feel this good sober?

I don't want to be the girl who has to fill the silence,
the quiet scares me because it screams the truth.
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation,
I won't remember, save your breath 'cause what's the use?

Ahh, night is calling...
it whispers to me softly "Come and play"
I am falling,
and if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame.

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection.
So how do I feel this good sober?

Coming down coming down coming down,
spinning round spinning round spinning round,
looking for myself sober...

Coming down coming down coming down
spinning round spinning round spinning round
looking for myself sober...

When it's good
then it's good
it's SO good,
till it goes bad.
Till you try to find the you that you once had.

I've heard myself cry.
Never again.
Broken down in agony,
just trying to find a friend.

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection.
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection.
But how do I feel this good sober?

--"Sober", Pink

rainy days.

2008-12-09T15:33:00.000-06:00

I love rainy days. I love the sound, I love the smell, I love the way they make me introspective. There's just something so soothing about the random splatter of raindrops outside, and being safe indoors. It's like nature's beautiful music, only with no lyrics to distract you. Music is such a wonderful writing instrument, but it's words and melodies can sometimes lead you in a direction you were not planning on taking. With the rain, my mind is clear and unobstructed so that I can climb inside and dig around after what's really going on in there.

Today I'm thinking about memories. Obviously, we have memories to help us remember things in our lives. Things so simple as our neighbor's names, and other things sometimes as complicated as preparing our tax returns. Most of us remember our first kiss, our first car, and our wedding day. Some people remember childhood friends and adventures, and others can't remember where they put their keys. No matter the significance, the gravity, or the timelines of our memories, they are the things that help to shape us into who we become as a person. Without memories, we would never change, we would never grow, and we would never adapt to our situations or our surroundings.

However, I find myself wondering why on earth we find ourselves clinging to certain ones? Is it voluntary, or much in the same way as love, do our memories choose us?

The high school football star, you know the one. The guy who constantly reminds everyone around him how he was the big shot in high school. How he caught the winning pass in the last seconds of the championship game, bringing honor and notoriety to his team. This guy is usually in his 40's. Why is he still clinging to this memory? Is it because nothing he's ever done in his life since then has been of any value, or is it purely because he can't help it?

What about those forlorn hearts, wondering about "the one that got away?" Those men and women dreaming of what might have been, fabricating futures and families and entire lives based solely on the memory of a lost love. Their happiness is jeopardized, their souls are tortured, and any new relationships are undermined before they even begin. Do these people have regrets? Do they have nothing better to do? Or are these memories bombarding their minds against their will?

Though it seems to be a perpetual problem amongst all walks of life, I find it difficult to accept that people choose to dwell on the kinds of memories that are causing them pain. Is there some undeniable substance to those memories that refuse to allow a person to let go?

Our mind has been proven time and time again to be the most advanced thing known to man. Sometimes I wonder if there are checks and balances in place within our brains that we are totally unaware of. Maybe some sort of filters and databases so intricately orchestrated, in place and designed to create an individual experience in life that is completely unique to each person.

We may never truly know why we have the memories we have, but it seems that we should at least try to enjoy the ones we have, and make an effort to cultivate new ones every single day. Otherwise, we'll be forever transfixed in the past.

reminiscing.

2008-11-28T10:21:00.000-06:00

Well, I just got finished uploading the wedding pics. FINALLY! It's been almost 3 months now, LOL. Anyway, looking back through them all I got a little teary-eyed and emotional. What an amazing weekend it was!! Not only because I married my best friend and my soul mate, but also because of all the people who shared it with us.

It meant so much that you all were there, and I can think of no better way to spend my wedding day than with the friends and family that I love the most!! Thank you to all of you who made our wedding weekend such a spectacular event for us, and I will always treasure the memories that we all made together that wonderful weekend!!

new life.

2008-11-26T00:16:00.000-06:00

People keep asking me how I like being married. Has anyone ever really answered with "I hate it!" No... because no one who is newlywed hates it. Duh. Aside from the obvious reasons, I think that's an odd question to ask, but it got me to thinking about some of the "side effects" (if you will) of being married... at least for me.

For one, all the tiny little boxes I've latched shut and packed away neatly in the furthest corners of my memory are starting to come open. I don't know why really, but my theory is that now that my conscious mind is happy, my subconscious mind is ridding itself of all the little things it's been storing away in an effort to keep me sane all these years. Maybe it's natures way of telling me it's time to deal with some of the the things I've been suppressing that once plagued me so, now that I'm happy and in a stable lifestyle?

It seems that I am quite masterful at suppressing things. I never realized it until recently. Probably because my suppression bank is now spilling all over everything. Things are popping back up that I haven't though about in years. Things that now seem silly and so easy to resolve internally, that I have to wonder why I submerged them in the first place.

Old relationship issues resurface more than anything. I think about what once was, what might have been, who I was then, and who I am now. Every single situation is different, and sometimes emotional. It becomes uncontrollable at times and I just have to succumb to the torrent of things unfolding in my mind. I suppose the rush comes from holding them down for so long, but I cannot express the relief I feel once each one has been laid to rest. Finally.

It's funny how when you are happy in your life, and finally in the relationship that fate meant you to be in, that you begin to forget the rest. I find myself mentally flipping through my relationship rolodex, completely unable to remember names. First names, last names, parents' names who I was "close to" at the time, time frames, beginnings and endings are missing... and I know with the eradication of each memory, that little by little, I become truly free.

So how do I like being married? My answer to you is this:

Being married is the most wonderful, satisfying, fulfilling, and gratifying thing I have ever experienced in my entire life! Even those words are not enough in themselves to accurately convey the extraordinary level of my hearts contentment.

hostage.

2008-11-25T00:49:00.000-06:00

Angst-y writing: I used to love it. I thrived on the rush of feelings that would come pouring out of my fingertips and onto this page. But now, so much has changed, and I've forgotten how to do it. I don't even know where it comes from anymore. I used to sit down no less than once a week and pound out something stirring to reflect the torment that my soul was being wrought through. I hate to think that just because the emotional torment is gone, that the writing is gone too...

Jerry and I have talked about this several times since we've gotten together, mostly because he has the same problem as I do in this regard. We're happier now than we've ever been because we're together and more in love with each other than either of us could have imagined. But separately as friends, we were two very creative people riddled with angst and a constantly throbbing presence of internal turmoil that could only lend itself to an outlet such as "blog writing". Really painful, heart-wrenching blog writing. These were the days of drinking ourselves under on a daily basis, dating inappropriate people for the sake of companionship, and making bad decisions in a flailing attempt to "fix" ourselves.

I remember this. Vividly. More so at some times than others, but it's still there. I just can't tap into it, which I hate. No one wants to read bright and shiny blogs. They are no fun, and fewer people can relate to them. They certainly do not stir emotion and opinion quite the way a well written angst-y blog does. They do not rouse people you haven't talked to in months to send you messages regarding your sanity and/or proximity to suicidal actions. (Those were my favorites guys, and I love ya for the concern but I was never crazy, promise. LOL!)

Sure I get stressed now, worry a little bit here and there about inconsequential things, but I am not sad, I do not struggle with my inner demons, and I have no one in my life torturing my emotions. So what the hell do I write about?? I am going to figure this out. I am determined to overcome this writers block that is holding my favorite creative outlet hostage.

Stay tuned... I have theories and I am willing to test them at my own expense! ;)

excellent article.

2008-11-03T20:47:00.000-06:00

I ran across this article from Oprah.com by Amy Bloom. Simmer down, I'm not that "Oprah worshiping chick"... it was a link from CNN.com, LOL! No matter, it's a great read for both the single and married, and I especially liked the last paragraph because it reminds me identically of Jerry and I:

"We are real and unashamed, even of our faults. I do truly know what he's made of and vice versa. We are both people who want cutmen and foxhole buddies; we see life as wonderful and difficult and requiring energy and stamina and, occasionally, guile. We don't mind any of that.

We are both bossy and demanding and largely unrepentant. We don't mind any of that. We yell. We apologize profusely. We are idiosyncratic in our tastes, and we are both quite confident that our taste is better than most people's (including each other's). We take sex and family and food seriously and organized religion not at all. We are hard to embarrass and we cry like babies. We are each what the other hoped for."

Here's the whole thing for anyone who may be interested:

"Make Sure Spouse has the "Right" Faults"
-Amy Bloom for Oprah.com

It's a good and bad thing to be considered an expert in love. I don't think there's any point in pretending that you get to be an expert by meeting your soul mate early on, going through a few meaningful ups and downs, marrying in a cloud of good taste or even in a meteor shower of funk and crunk, and then dying, 50 or 60 years later, having had a faithful and fulfilling love life. We don't call those people experts. We call them lucky.

People like me, who write about lust and love in fiction and nonfiction, who have clearly made several important and completely necessary detours in their private life, people who have more than one wedding ring in their jewelry box, these people we call experts.

Go figure.

Here's the heart and the head of it: Know yourself, know the other, and face the truth about yourselves.

What 'know yourself' means:

Here's what I noticed after 25 years of being a psychotherapist and 55 years of being a person: There is just about no point in complaining about another person. Not because other people aren't annoying. (My God, there are people who've been put on this earth just to make me roll my eyes and mutter disapprovingly. In my family, as a matter of fact, "other people" is the standard explanation for almost all misfortune.) But because -- especially in intimate relationships -- the complaint about Him or Her will, unfortunately and inevitably, wind its way around to You.

He's often late, which is inconsiderate = I fear not being sufficiently appreciated. Thanks, Dad.

He thinks about his needs first, and mine second = If you express your needs, no one will love you. Thanks, Mom.

Your partner's faults are real (I'm on your side here) and various and even grievous, but those are their faults and, frankly, we're here to talk about you and me.

I went to see my former therapist, for a tune-up, shortly after I remarried. I wanted, on the one hand, to tell him how blissfully happy I was, because I knew that he'd be happy for me, and because I was in that stage of love where I would have paid people to listen to me talk about my wonderful husband. (I had already exhausted my friends, my family, my cleaning lady, and the mailman, who was nice enough to say, regularly, "Sounds like a great guy.") On the other hand, I wanted to complain. My husband was wonderful -- but not perfect. This was very upsetting.

Dr. Shrink: So let me make sure I understand -- on two occasions, in the course of the last year, he had too much to drink and at least once a week he comes home from work later than he said he would, and although he usually calls about being late, he doesn't always, and sometimes you have to poke him to get him to acknowledge that you've been kept waiting.

Amy: Yes. (The implication of my "yes" is: Feel free to sympathize; also, anytime you'd like to discuss his imperfections and their likely source, go right ahead.)

Dr. Shrink: I want to make sure I understand --

Amy: Yes. (Meaning: Let's get started -- he's selfish, possibly unreliable, and impulsive...)

Dr. Shrink: You came to see an expensive psychoanalyst to tell me that the man you married has faults of which you've been aware since you've known him? This is why you're here? Oprah.com: 20 questions to ask before you get married

Amy: Yes.

(So not what I was hoping for.)

We then spend some time on how terrifying I find it to love someone so much and how difficult I find the possibility and the likelihood of disappointment. We do get somewhere, and when Dr. Shrink stops, my best friend takes over. She says to me basically: No one's perfect. It's time you stopped being surprised by this. The question is, Do you take this bundle of faults over some other bundle of faults?

I do.

But it's not enough for me to choose this bundle of faults; if I want a love that lasts, I better know why this bundle suits me so well.

At first, one loves the faults because they are part of the whole adorable love package. She is a sweet and tenderhearted creature, and her inability to ask for a raise, hail a cab, or defend herself from her unpleasant mother are all part of her sweetness.

Of course, someday when you're standing in the rain with your armful of packages and ask her to flag that cab across the street and she says, winsomely, "Oh, darling, I just couldn't -- it's so ... aggressive" -- it will be less adorable.

He is determined and unswerving, which is great; he is also hardheaded and heedless. As much as you like the former, you better be comfortable with the latter as well. Understanding why is worthwhile, and usually involves a quick review of parents.

Whether or not they had a wonderful marriage you hope to emulate or a disaster you hope to avoid, it's helpful to know which parent you identified with and which parent's part you want to play. (Don't even bother trying to escape both of them entirely; to do that, you'd have to be born into another species.)

I think the biggest mistake I've seen in clients and friends and myself is acting on half an understanding: "I don't want to marry my selfish father; look how unhappy he made my sweet mother," sounds like a reasonable, even psychologically astute position, and an awful lot of people (including me) marry their nice mothers (or their nice fathers; bullies come in both genders) and think they've protected themselves. All I can say is: Not so fast, Shorty.

Consider: Marrying your sweet parent may mean that you end up playing the bully's role (someone's got to handle the rough stuff). Alternatively, marrying your dear and gentle dad may mean that you get someone with not just Dad's gentleness but his passivity, avoidance of conflict, and fear of public disapproval as well. The man who comforts you quietly after a battle with your mother is a good father -- do you have any idea what he was like as a husband?

And another thing you ought to wonder about -- why didn't your nice parent get what they wanted from the marriage? I was always saddened by the lack of intimacy in my parents' marriage, which was a burden for my mother and none at all for my father, until I suddenly thought: Why did she marry him?

My mother was good enough, and honest enough, to tell me: I married him because he was tough and ambitious, so I wouldn't have to be. I married him because he was more interesting than the dentists and accountants who asked me. And although I love getting flowers and hearing sweet nothings, and there have been damn few of those, I'm not like you, honey, I don't want intimacy -- I just want companionship and romantic gestures.

As my mother said to me on another occasion: I like the roses, but not if I have to put up with the thorns. Everyone should be so honest with themselves, and her honesty made me aware that I would accept an awful lot of thorns to be with someone who craves intimacy the way I do. (And I got that someone, which is why I now have a very close and often tumultuous marriage, with a degree of attachment that people find either very sweet or very peculiar.)

So know yourself and know your family. For me that means knowing that, as much as I appreciated my mother's sweetness and practical ways, I need a slightly reckless lion more than I need a sensible lamb in my life. (In the dictionary, right next to a number of hard-charging mammals -- including the weasel, famous for attacking animals larger than itself for no reason -- you will see my husband's picture.) So, finally, I married a lion, and although I never pictured myself being the person hanging on to the "oh shit" bar on the passenger side, saying, "For God's sake, honey, slow down!" I do prefer that to being the person who says, regularly, "It's okay, honey, if you're scared, we can turn around."

What 'knowing the other person' means:

When you look at another person's behavior (and please, do look at what he does, not just how he explains what he does. A man with a good and different explanation for each of the five times he's stood you up is a really good...explainer. Did you want to marry a world-class explainer?), the question will arise: Is it character or circumstance? Did he do what he did because of who he is, at his core, or was he pushed to that behavior by circumstance?

Guess what? Pretty much, after 18, it's character, every time. It's true that under extraordinary circumstances -- baby trapped under car, grandmother stuck in burning building -- you might see some hitherto unsuspected heroism emerge in someone you thought had not a drop, and even so, what you learn from that is: He had a drop of heroism in him, after all. But it is also true that even a man pushed to robbing a bakery for bread for his starving child will show who he is by how he conducts himself during the robbery.

It's not true, despite what the advice columnists often write, that a man who leaves his wife for you will eventually leave you. It is true that a man who leaves his wife for you is capable of leaving you, and you would be smart to look at how he conducted himself during his divorce because no matter how crazy, bitter, unreasonable his ex was or is, his behavior reveals his character. You cannot behave cruelly without having some cruelty in your nature (and most of us do). An angry man who honors his obligations gracefully, a man who shows up on time to see his kids, even when their mother behaves badly -- that man is a good bet.

I've also discovered that the Virtuous have their downside. A man who cannot face his own flaws or acknowledge the ugliness (not horrors -- just normal human flaws: envy, jealousy, pettiness) in his nature, a man who will patiently explain, for days on end, that you should not be hurt by his behavior because he's a good guy who didn't mean to hurt you -- may actually prove to be worse company, in the long run, than a guy who behaves badly from time to time and admits it. (Or at least, that's how it is for me. Deeply, Determinedly Virtuous people scare me.) As it turns out, I prefer the full boil to the long simmer and I wish I'd known it sooner.

Know yourselves

Be real and be unashamed, even of your faults. I do truly know what he's made of and vice versa. We are both people who want cutmen and foxhole buddies; we see life as wonderful and difficult and requiring energy and stamina and, occasionally, guile. We don't mind any of that.

We are both bossy and demanding and largely unrepentant. We don't mind any of that. We yell. We apologize profusely. We are idiosyncratic in our tastes, and we are both quite confident that our taste is better than most people's (including each other's). We take sex and family and food seriously and organized religion not at all. We are hard to embarrass and we cry like babies. We are each what the other hoped for.

the aftermath of ike.

2008-10-24T02:42:00.000-05:00

Reading over the lyrics to this song now after I have written them out seem really dark. But that's not how I intended my adoration for this song to sound.

Most of you know that Jerry and I live in Houston. Some of you may have noticed that we totally got hammered by Hurricane Ike on September 13th. One week after our wedding day, ironically.

Just in case you don't watch the news, or TV at all for that matter, it was brutal. It still is. Galveston barely exists anymore. Boliver Penninsula is now Boliver Island, and about half of south Houston was under water for days. There are STILL almost a MILLION people here without power. That means no lights, no a/c, no fridge, no laundry, no TV, no cell phone charger, no computer, NOTHING. If you don't have a battery powered radio you're sitting in silence. And when the batteries run out that's it.

On a personal note, there are hundred year old trees down all over our neighborhood. I saw our neighbor's brand new VW Beetle chopped completely IN HALF by a tree. We were without power for over a week, and some are expected to be without power for another 2-3 weeks. We're some of the lucky ones because we just happen to have a street light on our lot.

We had nothing. No grocery stores, no gas, no lights, no ice, nothing. We were, for all intents and purposes, living like colonial settlers. Except it was worse because we knew what it was like to miss those things. I had to stand in front of my refrigerator after day 4 and empty out well over a hundred dollars worth of food into the garbage can. It was painful. When we finally passed out at the end of the day after hours of manual labor cleaning up debris, in a hot bed in a hot room, in a hot house, it was only for as long as our bodies forced us to shut down before we arose again unable to sleep any longer in the heat. It was brutal, all of it.

We had to get our stuff from FEMA for God's sake... if being lumped into the same category as "Katrina Victims" doesn't make you feel like a worthless piece of shit, nothing will.

Anyway, one day this song came on the radio. We had just come from a church up North that was passing out provisions like Ice and Water that you could NOT get anywhere otherwise. These were people in situations just as bad as our own who were volunteering their time to load cases of water into people's trunks. Lined up as we drove away they are all reaching to shake our hands and saying "God Bless" and "Bless You" and I cried. The sheer magnitude of the situation shook me. There truly is still pure goodness in this fucked up world.

So then on the way home, with the windows of the car down and it being a cool day, (under 90... if that's actually considered cool) for a change, comes this song. Just hearing the words and watching the surroundings as we drove through miles and miles of devastation moved me to tears again. Life IS beautiful, and we should cherish it because it is so very fragile. There were some that were not so lucky as we were.

When I think about the wind making our house groan in agony, and shaking the roof of our house so hard I thought it was going to blow right off, or holding my scared and confused little dog as Jerry held scared me, or seeing entire limbs rolling down the street lengthwise, or cars being chopped in half, or HOUSES being chopped in half, or standing on the front porch watching the water inch it's way up the driveway to the house... I really start to appreciate the important things in life. Family, the people in your life who love you, and a God that (I believe) watches out for his children.

Check out the song, and think of those down here who are just trying to survive.

"Life is Beautiful"
-Sixx A.M.

You can't quit until you try,
You can't live until you die,
You can't learn to tell the truth until you learn to lie.
You can't breathe until you choke,
You gotta laugh when you're the joke.

There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive.

Just open your eyes,
Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life that no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don't,
I've done things that you won't.
There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home.

I was waiting for my hearse,
But what came next was so much worse...
It took a funeral to make me feel alive.

Just open your eyes,
Just open your eyes and see that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Will you swear on your life that no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive, just open your eyes,
Just open your eyes and see that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Will you swear on your life that no one will cry at my funeral?

upcoming nuptials.

2008-08-20T14:30:00.001-05:00

So by now everyone should know that Jerry and I are getting married in a couple of weeks, (17 days from today to be exact!) and we could not be more excited about it!!

You also may know some of what we've been through in the last few months. Both of us losing our jobs, and what a shitty situation that was as well. Obviously, the timing could not have been worse for us both professionally and personally. Of course, the state of the economy has certainly not helped us either.

Unfortunately, though many of you are unable to make it to the wedding, (which I am really sad about, I thought we were going to have a huge party in Vegas guys!! LOL) but as a friend I am reaching out to you now. We've set up a "wedding fund" to help us cover the outstanding costs that lay ahead due to our unfortunate financial situation.

If you feel out of the goodness of your heart that you would like to help us out, please visit:

Jerry & Rachael's Wedding Fund

At this point, if we cancel the wedding, we lose over 5 grand in deposits that were paid months ago... so that's not really an option. I actually couldn't even bear the thought of not being able to get married to Jerry just because of the shitty things we've been put through. Not to mention all the people who are coming who would be really really pissed about travel arrangements, LOL!

Anyway, I think you guys know me well enough to know that I wouldn't say a word about us if it wasn't so important to me. So I guess that's that. We still love you guys and eventually we'll be back on top! :)

taking a stand.

2008-06-23T15:23:00.001-05:00

I guess I'm ready to sit down and write about this now. I was thinking that maybe I wouldn't, maybe I would just let it go and move on, but now I am hearing that my good name is being drug through the mud, so here I am.

It's coming out, ALL OF IT:

I have been a loyal, dedicated employee of the Laff Stop for almost 4 years now. I was hired on as the "Office Manager" in 2004 under Pete Prelli. Pete as you all know, had his issues, but that's another story entirely. I came on to work under him and within 6 months had taken over the operational aspects of everything in that business so that he would be free to come and go as he please, or be there at night, or whatever excuses were made as to why I was doing all the work all the time.

THEN late in 2006, as has happened with so many others, I got into it with Pete and I quit. While I was nice enough to stay on for a couple of months to ease the transition, I was gone by October of 2006. In December of 2006, I got a call from Jeff McFerrin (the silent partner in the Laff Stop) begging me to come back on, offering me a raise, and letting me know that he was getting ready to out Pete from the club completely, and that he needed me to take over fully when Pete was gone. So of course, out of obligation to the Laff Stop, the comedy scene, and the sheer magnitude of the opportunity itself, I said "yes".

I came back, suffered through 6 more months of tyranny with Pete, keeping Jeff's little secret, and waiting for my turn. Finally the time came, Jeff cut the cord with Pete. Jerry and I lost friends, we had to have security around at all times due to the dangerous situation Jeff put us in, but we powered through. Jeff did not send Pete to jail for embezzling over $300,000.00 over the course of 3 years, nor did he seek ANY punitive damages from him. In fact, he PAID Pete an additional $10,000.00 just to shut up and walk away. Does that make sense to anyone??

The next 3 months were indescribable. I lived in fear for my life, I screened ALL of my calls, and I never went anywhere alone at night. I was too afraid. Jeff had left too many loose ends with Pete, and I knew that I was the 1 target. But guess what? I kept moving forward. I had to. The comedy scene needed me, the Laff Stop needed me, and Jeff McFerrin needed me. So I kept booking shows, I kept trying to come up with new ways to cultivate the comedy scene, and I always entertained ideas from the local comics to help get them involved in "their" club. I worked nights, I worked weekends, all in addition to my daytime 9-5, just to get the club moving on the right track again.

At the beginning of 2008, after I had been giving my heart, my soul, and my LIFE to the Laff Stop and to Jeff, I was told it was being considered for sale. Honestly, I didn't worry much. The Laff Stop has been "in the red" for about 3 years now, and only an idiot would sign on to take that kind of financial obligation over. I mean, the rent is $15,000/month alone. Then factor in comic fees, taxes, payroll, and all the other bills and expenses, and you're looking at needing $70,000.00 a month in INCOME just to BREAK EVEN. We've been averaging about $15,000 a month in income, so you can see where this is going...

In another attempt to ease my nerves, Jeff promised me that he would make sure that no matter what "he could still shut down and pay rent & severance of a few months' salary to me and still be in a better situation." So I felt pretty good... even if the club couldn't make it, at least I wouldn't walk away empty handed. So I carried on, business as usual. He kept me posted on what was going on, but nothing was happening and we weren't getting any bites. Then Don Learned shows up. Don and Jeff start having all these meetings, and all of a sudden I'm getting a really bad feeling about things.

Next, they come to me and reveal the plan. Don's pretty much broke, so he can't BUY the Laff Stop outright as planned. What Jeff has decided to do is bring Don on (like another "Pete" arrangement) where he would be running the club and Jeff is still the owner. They start talking about downsizing, closing the office, firing everyone and "starting fresh". They talked about closing down Open Mic, canceling the contest forever, and kuput to all the showcase shows. I lost it. They weren't even going to let me tell my 20 some-odd employees, they wouldn't let me give them ANY notice OR compensation at all, and then they pulled MY severance package. That was the last straw.

I laid it down to Jeff in an incredibly unflattering email. (Unflattering for him... if you wanna read that too, let me know I'll be happy to share it.) Sure, it was harsh, it was pointed, and it was every "civil" attempt at chopping him off at the knees that I could come up with. I reminded him of what he would be facing if I left, reminded him that the staff is going to lynch him, and and reminded him of his "promises" that, coming from Jeff McFerrin mean absolutely squat.

He didn't even bother calling me back before he changed the locks on the club.

So, I was "fired" for standing up for what I believed in. For trying to get some severance to spread meagerly around to my employees, and for trying to get this "Loyal, Fair AGGIE" who supposedly lives by the credo of "AGGIE integrity" (maybe he should look that word up...) to stand by his word as a MAN, and as a leader. Sucks huh?

So yeah, I fell on the sword... in hopes that others would be saved, and even more would be educated. It has been nothing but detrimental to me, I mean, come on, I'm jobless, I've got a wedding to pay for in 2 months, we definitely won't be taking a honeymoon now, and on top of that my name is being smeared by someone who doesn't even deserve to speak it. So yeah, I'm speaking up to anyone who will listen. And when I go to bed each night I PRAY that nothing but misfortune befalls Jeff McFerrin, Don Learned, and the Laff Stop.

the wind.

2008-06-16T16:21:00.001-05:00

I feel like this today...

I listen to the wind,
to the wind of my soul.
Where I'll end up well I think,
only God really knows.
I've sat upon the setting sun,
but never, never never never,
I never wanted water once.
No, never, never, never...

I listen to my words but
they fall far below.
I let my music take me where
my heart wants to go.
I swam upon the devil's lake,
but never, never never never,
I'll never make the same mistake.
No, never, never, never...

insomnia.

2008-06-16T05:59:00.001-05:00

I remember being 7 years old and sleepless. That's how far is goes back.

Back then, it was more normal. What kid can sleep for any length of time when they're all wired up about Christmas morning? However, it is not usually like that for me. It's usually a dark restlessness. An inner twitch that electro-shocks my brain into frenzied thought and laborious worry.

Since you've been gone it's really been more along the lines of a physical pain keeping me awake. My heart uprooting from its otherwise happy state and groaning as it rolls over in my chest- deflated by your absence. Of course my mind worries about you- we've all heard the civilian horror stories of Nick Berg and the like. We are very aware of the prevalent danger.

Aside from the obvious, I have felt the never ending concern that can only come from little or no contact with you. I've tried patterning my days to coincide with yours. I know if I can stay up past midnight, you'll be awake again to correspond "live". I know around 2 or 3pm you're getting ready to go to bed. Coming in from the bases you've been at all days, settling in, and checking the web one more time before bed.

When you send me the most touching, heartfelt emails, it was all I could do to stop myself from gushing back a response. Instead, I fire back a quick "I LOVE YOU!!" An effort made if only in the hope that across the ocean we would be connected for even a moment. A gesture made to let you know "I'm here, I'm up, and I'm thinking of you at this exact moment." The little black letters on my white screen the only voice I have to you in the night...

Tonight, I lie awake, it is again after 2am. Instead of the lonely sadness that washes over me as I stare at your empty side of the bed, I am anxious. In less than 12 hours I will be in your arms once more!

I am 7 again.

Tomorrow is Christmas morning, and what awaits me on the other side of this night is far better than a pair of roller skates or a shiny new bike.

It's you. My love. Coming home to me again.

how can i tell you?

2008-06-12T03:09:00.001-05:00

Jerry is in Kuwait, and I just keep listening to this song over and over, wishing I could talk to him. :(

"How can I tell you that I love you?
I love you, but I can't think of right words to say...
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you.
I'm always thinking of you, but my words just blow away...
It always ends up to one thing honey, and I can't think of right words to say.

Wherever I am, I'm always walking with you.
I'm always walking with you, but I look and you're not there.
Whoever I'm with, I'm always, always talking to you.
I'm always talking to you, I'm sad that you can't hear.
It always ends up to one thing honey, when I look and you're not there.

I need to know you,
Need to feel my arms around you.
Feel my arms around you, like sea around a shore.
Each night and day I pray, in hope that I might find you.
In hope that I might find you, because hearts can do no more...
It always ends up to one thing honey, still I kneel upon the floor.

How can I tell you that I love you?
I love you, but I can't think of right words to say.
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you.
I'm always thinking of you...

It always ends up to one thing honey, and I can't think of right words to say."

wonder and such.

2008-06-10T01:04:00.001-05:00

"Your life is an occasion. Rise to it." --Mr Magorium

I have decided that it is time for me to rise. I have been waiting for someone else to DO something in my life, so that it makes sense to me. No. No more. "Wait and see" gets me nowhere. I have been "waiting and seeing" for quite some time now, and have finally figured out why.

Maybe, if I "wait and see" long enough, I won't actually have to DO anything. Eventually, someone else will come along and make a decision for me. I will never have to suffer any consequences or commit to anything important. And then, when I've "waited" long enough, and teetered on "maybe" for my fair share of time, something will fall in my lap. I've spent 26 years waiting on something to "happen." Things don't just HAPPEN. They ARE because you make them so.

Now that I have had some time to think, some quiet time in my own head, I realize this is truly the case. No one can live that way! At least, no one like me can. If I want something, I am going to go out and TAKE IT! I am not going to wait on promises that may never fabricate. I will not "hope" that things work out the way I would like them to. They won't! My dreams cannot come to fruition without some serious action on my part. They NEVER will unless I take proactive steps to make sure that they do. No one else is looking out for us. No one else cares what happens to us in the long run.

So I am. I'm done with playing games. I'm done with relying on someone else to hold up their end of the deal. I'M holding up the deal. I'm done taking peoples "word". Your word means absolutely zilch to me- I can see straight through you, you self-serving sycophant.

I am rising to the responsibilities in my own life.

I will rise to take care of me, to take care of my loved ones, to do the things I want to do, the way I want to do them, in a way that makes me happy.

I'm getting married! I'm ecstatic! Then I'm going to have babies! I'm even more ecstatic about that! Then what? I dunno... maybe we'll move to Costa Rica and lay on the beach and make souvenirs out of shells and coconuts to sell to the stupid American tourists. And learn to surf. Or maybe we'll move to Europe. Just backpack it around for a couple of years. Learn enough French so the French don't hate me, and learn how to make the best biscotti you've ever had in your LIFE, as well as an assortment of hand made pastas and the perfect cup of Earl Grey tea. Having fun, loving each other... seeing the world. It doesn't matter, because we'll be happy and we'll be IN CONTROL of our lives.

I am done with helpless. I am done with being at the mercy of others. I am done waiting for someone else to GIVE me what I need. I am done living someone else's mistakes. You made them, you deal with them. All I was trying to do was help in the first place. I will not let you walk on me because you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror. That's not my problem. I am done trying to convince others that I am important, that I am worthy. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!! I am seizing my life by the throat and taking control.

It's about time.

stardust.

2008-05-23T13:01:00.004-05:00

"We are stardust, we are golden, and we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden."

That is a quote from Joni Mitchell at Woodstock. It seems apropos for some reason right now... plus I'm never all that good at coming up with titles for my blog.

I've had some things rolling around in my head lately, I've just been trying to find a way to convey them in a way that will do my thoughts justice on paper. Isn't that always the battle of the introspective, though? So now, I'm feeling peaceful and listening to some incredible music by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole and I'm feeling brave...

I have been trying to figure out a way to determine myself as a person. I feel different on different days, and I think there should be a way to merge all these aspects of myself together in such a way that will make me feel like a whole person. I guess I've been feeling a little segmented lately. I have all these different things about me that make me who I am, but some of them are so vastly different I can't figure out how they even came to be.

I wonder how much of it is from personal influences in my life, as there have been some great ones. (I will stray from comparing the obvious family influences, that's not what I'm talking about anyway.)

Miss Cole, my 4th grade English teacher, who was the first person to show an interest in my writing and taught me the fundamentals that keep me going even today. She was such a positive person, always smiling and laughing and having fun with us. Even as a fourth grader, I always appreciated the fact that she didn't treat us like children, but like real people who were just beginning to emerge into the world. I often thought that she was the kind of person I would have wanted to be friends with... she was just that "cool" of a person, and someone I have always admired.

Ms. Williams, Senior English, who taught me to appreciate the real loves in life. She lost her husband late in their lives, and every time she thought of him she would put her hand on her face to "connect" with his memory. She became passionate about ballroom dancing, not because she was a dancer, but because it was beautiful, and magical, and her eyes sparkled every time she spoke of it, and it was incredibly INSPIRING!

John Lennon. Of course I didn't know him, but he was a man of passion, peace, innovation. He believed in a cause and educated himself in order to understand it better. He took ownership of his life and his actions and never gave up on what he believed in, not to mention the fact that he left us with some revolutionary, unprecedented music.

God, MUSIC... where to even start? The same innovation, uniquely formulated lyrics and sounds are the things that make me appreciate everything musically that I appreciate.

George Harrison (The Beatles in general really...), Clapton, Jeff Buckley, Robin Trower, Buffalo Springfield, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Deep Blue Something, Eddie Vedder, Chris Cornell, Ray Charles, BB King, The Band, Leon Russell, Jim Morrison, Robert Plant, Jimi Hendrix, Jethro Tull, Ten Years After, Frampton, Damien Rice, Matisyahu, Joss Stone, Deep Purple, Cream... my GOD I could go on forever...

Wow... that was a spiritual experience just replaying through all of that. But THAT'S what I'm talking about. I feel that fire, that passion, and that REAL connection to myself and to the world around me when I'm immersed in music. And not just any music. Can't say Britney Spears elicits that response, but the true artists of the music world. The ones who are baring their souls and doing so brilliantly in the process.

I wonder how much of me has been shaped by my own experiences as well. Would I still be the same person I am now if I hadn't been the 1st born child? If I hadn't been such a "straight-laced" teenager? If I had had everything handed to me? If I hadn't been the by-product of an adult divorce? If I had married young? If I hadn't moved to Houston? If I hadn't suffered through a devastating infidelity towards me? If I hadn't shouldered the responsibility of someone else's business venture? If I hadn't found love in my best friend?

My whole life (or at least since I learned anything about it) I have wanted to be like "a hippie in the 60's." I always felt, like "man, they've got it down." Nobody cared about money, nobody cared about rules or authority, and everyone just EXISTED together. It was the ultimate life of personal freedom and open-mindedness. And I'm not talking about the revolutionaries or the drug dealers, or the protesters. I'm talking about the flower wearing, pipe smoking, van driving hippies that believed in all things loving and harmonious. What an interestingly delightful way to carry on. Somewhere in my soul I have a piece of that. I don't know if it's because of being a product of my parents, who did live that life, or if I, in a "past life" or something of the sort was there too and my subconscious remembers it... I just don't know, but it's there and a part of me yearns for it.

Recently I have been contemplating how to reach that point of absolute harmony within myself. I am infatuated with the idea of just BEING. Most of the time I feel that way anyway. I don't get stressed about stuff anymore, because as they say "The Universe is unfolding exactly as it should be." We shouldn't stress about it, we shouldn't try to shape it into something it's not. It's happening all around us, and if we're smart, we will sit back, enjoy the ride, and soak it up. I suppose some of this is no different than any other human being's need to feel some absolution in his/her life, but I've never really felt quite a pull like this before.

It makes me feel alive and at the same time extremely tranquil and totally comfortable in my own skin.

It's pretty fantastic.

stay in your lane, you jerk.

2008-03-28T10:11:00.000-05:00

That specific phrase comes out of my mouth at LEAST twice a day. Actually, it usually sounds more like "What the fuck are you doing you stupid fuck? Stay in your fucking lane!!" LOL **I think it should be noted that I don’t actually "like" to use profanity because I think it’s one of the most ignorant ways to express yourself, but these situations make me angry beyond compare, and those are the only words that seem to fit the situation.**

Isn’t that ridiculous? It seems like in a pulsing metropolis like Houston that people would know how to drive. Not because "big city folk" are better drivers or anything, but because it’s a necessity. There are hundreds upon hundreds of thousands of people commuting here every day, and if you don’t know how to drive, then you get hurt. Or worse, you get killed.

Despite those statistics, and the harsh reality of that situation, people around here just can’t seem to stay in their damn lane. Maybe I attract that kind of driver, but I honestly almost got run over THREE TIMES this morning on my way to work just because some ignorant imbecile can’t keep their hybrid honda/unnecessarily large truck/mini-van between the little white dashes that indicate where the lanes are!

Why do you INSIST on swerving into my lane?
Are you DRUNK at 9am?
Do you not SEE me?
Or is it the more likely solution, that you’re just a fucking idiot, and you have no business driving in the first place?

I’m just SO TIRED of it. It literally happens EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yesterday when I was on my way home from work, I almost got sideswiped by a school bus. A SCHOOL BUS PEOPLE! These morons are being entrusted with the lives of our children, and they’re trying to kill people left and right. Let’s just say that if I hadn’t been paying close attention (as I certainly HAVE to these days, for fear of getting in a wreck every 10 seconds) I would not be writing this blog today. I would be in the hospital in traction, all because some stupid school bus driver was swerving all over the road. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen what a bus can do to a compact car, but it’s just not pretty.

What is the deal here???

borrowed excerpt.

2008-03-12T13:47:00.000-05:00

My friend Allison posted this on her blog & I really liked it. I think people take things in their lives for granted every day. Once in a while, it doesn’t hurt to step back and re-evaluate your situation from a different perspective.

Enjoy...

"There’s an old story about Jeb and the flood that tells us something important about faith.

Old Jeb was trapped on his roof as the floodwaters were rising around his house. As he sat there, a neighbor passed by in his rowboat, offering to take him to higher ground. "Don’t worry about me," said Jeb. "I have faith: The Lord will protect me." A while later, the floodwaters still rising, a rescue squad arrived in a powerboat and ordered Jeb to evauate. "No need," Jeb insisted. "My faith is strong. I’ll be fine." A few hours later, when the waters reached the eaves, a National Gaurd helicopter hovered overhead and lowered a line. But Jeb wouldn’t grab hold. "The Lord will provide," he said. Not too long after, Jeb’s house went under, and Jeb with it. When he arrived at the pearly gates, he was none too pleased. "Lord, I had such faith in you!" Jeb cried. "How could you have abandoned me?" "Abandon you?" replied the Lord. "What are you talking about? I sent you a rowboat, a powerboat and a helicopter!"

Like many of us, Jeb had great faith, but it was a faith built only upon miracles that come with flashes of light and trumpet blasts. In truth, God often responds to our faith in humbler ways. It might be a kind driver who lets us merge when we’re stressed from sitting in heavy traffic. Or it could be a newspaper article that describes a support group we desperatly need. Or perhaps it comes in a song on the radio that brings us a cherished, fortifying memory. Each day, angels visit the doorsteps of the faithful, leaving gifts that quietly offer God’s grace, comfort and protection. All we have to do is reconize them and pick them up."

The moral of the story:
Don’t let the opportunities in life pass you by, seize them! You may never get them again...

comics.

2008-03-10T11:18:00.000-05:00

To all Houston comics:

I have been receiving emails, myspace messages, and angry voicemails from comics all over Houston and the surrounding areas regarding this Montreal thing tonight. Please allow me to clarify, so that you all understand the situation here:

Unfortunately, there are only 10 spots on the showcase this year. To be honest, I've been getting alot of emails about tonight and I just don't know where to start.

Montreal has a pretty tight squeeze on this thing. They came to me and asked me to put together a showcase for an audition, and then they came back and told me that they had this list of people that they wanted to see on the showcase. So... it was kind of a weird situation. Some of the people on the list I don't even know how they know about, but that really only left me with a couple of choices to fill.

If not to make things more complicated, they also provided me a criteria in my selection process, further limiting my choices, and putting me in a bad position with alot of the comics. (Believe me, I've heard from plenty of you to know that you're all upset.)

I'm trying to make sure that everyone understands the situation, because they all seem to be mad at me, and I'm really not the one pulling the strings in this case. This is unfortunately, one of those times when I just have to come to grips with the fact that I can't please everyone all the time.

What I AM trying to emphasize to everyone is that he is supposed to be here all night, AND Colleen McGarr is coming in town with him so it would be to everyones benefit to be here for open mic. There's always the off chance that he'll see something he likes and want to get in touch further. Colleen is one of our booking agents (Rich Miller's partner) and she also works with the Austin club, and several other venues across the country. She is a very powerful contact to have.

Obviously I can't make any promises because I just really don't know what's going to happen, but it certainly couldn't hurt to come and also be prepared with press kit, etc. If nothing else, chatting with Colleen is always beneficial too. :)

My apologies again,

Rachael :)

everything happens for a reason.

2008-03-07T01:38:00.000-06:00

Candice sent me a GREAT quote this week, and it's got me thinking about something that I do all too much...

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength." --Corrie Ten Boom

I worry. I worry about my future, I worry about my job, I worry about whether or not I'm feeding my dog enough. Mostly I worry that I'm making the right decisions in my life from day to day. I'm just a worrier by nature, I guess. I told her this, and this is what she told me:

Cando: "Well stop it! :) Planning out of slight anxiety is one thing, worrying when nothing can be done (and knowing that worry has NEVER actually prevented anything) is just insanity."

She's right, I know that. I guess that's why she's going to be a psych doctor! In any case, I'm working on it... But I would like to hear everyone's thoughts! And how in the heck do you train yourself not to worry?? Am I supposed to just assume that I'm always doing the right thing and making the right choices just because I'm making them?

Hmmm...

too late for apologies.

2008-02-17T22:10:00.000-06:00

I ask you kindly not to read this blog if you are not planning on reading the whole thing. Skimming through will not allow you to understand what's going on here, and will take everything out of context. AND I wrote this over the span of 2 days, so sequentially it may not make sense. The benefit was Sunday Feb. 17th.

Thanks!

Before I get started writing anything, I think that it should be said that I am aware of the fact that I am about to sound like a world class piece of shit, but I just can't help the way I feel. Nobody can.

First of all, those of you who may not know, I run the club. I know everything that goes on there, all the time, and EVERYTHING that happens there only happens because of the things I do on a day to day basis. If it's happening, it's because I let it happen, I orchestrated it, and I'm behind it. I'm the boss, I'm in charge, and I'm the top of the totem pole. Understand?

Ok, so I just came home from a charity event we were hosting at the club tonight. It was for a foundation that I am involved with that is very near and dear to my heart. (The One Step Closer Foundation- It benefits those with Cerebral Palsy and the like.) I have been involved with kids with Cerebral Palsy for over 10 years now, from therapy, to office work, to changing diapers and wiping snotty noses and drool. Anyway, this foundation was created by my friend Jacob and I am on his board of directors. We have been working together on various ideas for months now, trying to come up with some worthwhile events to raise some money, raise awareness, and get us prepared to host a big Charity Poker Tournament in Vegas within the next year or so.

About 3 months ago, I offered to use the club for the first event. It seemed like a practical choice, being that my involvement in both the club and the charity would make it fairly easy to overlap the two. So we decided on a date, I called in some favors from a couple of comics, and we were on our way. We decided to do some catering, bring in a DJ, and have a little reception beforehand to thank everyone for coming.

I got Jerry involved, and he was nice enough to do some serious promoting with his radio show with Outlaw Dave, online with Outlaw Nation, and all over myspace. (what a sweetie!) Of course, I had the Laff Stop website, the Laff Stop myspace and the Laff Stop emailer blasting this thing all over Houston as well... every little bit helps! The Chronicle got interested at some point, and got with Jacob & his family. They later came to the club & I spent about 4 hours talking with them, taking pictures with them, etc. etc.

After looking at several caterers, I found that we were not going to be able to do catering for under $1000. Well, since it's a charity event, seems kind of silly to pay $1000 for food, when the object is to RAISE money, not spend it. So I decided to do it myself. Jacob wanted to stay under $500, so I ordered the food from my food vendor, saving us over $600 and spent all day Sunday cooking everything MYSELF and getting ready for the event.

A huge thanks definitely needs to go out to the owner of Buddha Lounge who donated a few bottles of Smirnoff Vodka for the reception, DJ Stacy Stylez who flew in from New York to bump some tunes, and Albert Im who came in from Austin to participate in the comedy portion of the benefit.

Now here comes the unfortunate part:

*So far we've established that this benefit was:
my idea,
my venue,
my comics,
my staff,
my ticket selling website,
my email blasts,
my fiancee doing radio promoting,
I paid for the catering,
I did the catering,
and I paid for my design guy to design the fliers
AND I had the fliers printed and distributed.

Continuing on:

The Chronicle story finally came out on Friday. There was only one sentence mentioning the Laff Stop & they failed to include my headliner in the promotions. Nothing from me, nothing from the club, no pictures, missing headshots, & pretty much no content on the benefit at all. In essence, these people wasted hours of my time for nothing. (And those of you who know me, know that I have VERY LITTLE time to spare these days.) Needless to say, I was pretty miffed. The story was pitched to me as a promo for the benefit, but not only did they not really promo the benefit after wasting all of my time, but what little they did promo, they didn't get right.

Now, I know most of you don't know much about "the business" but rule of thumb: you don't promo your headliner, your headliner WILL pull the date, and therefore you have no more show! Luckily, the headliner was Jerry. Jerry's moral convictions, and the fact that his word is as good as gold kept him from totally bailing on the show. (And it probably doesn't hurt that he's my fiancee, and he would do it for me if I asked him to.) But anyone else would have pulled the date and this blog would stop right here.

The unfortunate part is that it does not stop here.

I decided on Sunday to swallow my pride, put on a smile, and just make the best of it. I spent all day running around getting ready for this thing, all afternoon cooking the food for the reception, and getting everything in line for the event. At the club, I'm handling the food and the waitresses, making sure everyone is well educated on the hours d'vours, and fielding questions for everyone and their dog in between.

Finally, I have spoken to everyone, thanked everyone for coming, settled everyone in their places, and we're ready to start the show. I'm thinking I'll hang around and see how it goes, and enjoy finally being off my feet and finally not having to play point for an hour or so.

Mason goes on stage to emcee, and takes Jacob with him. They proceed to thank everyone and their dog for their participation and help. Everyone but me. Then he proceeds to tell everyone that this whole thing would not be possible without Jacob, that this was his brilliant idea, that he worked so hard on getting everything put together, and was 99.9% responsible for all facets of making this benefit a success.

EXCUSE ME? WHAT??

I left.

It was all I could do to not break down in tears right there in the showroom. I have busted my ass over the course of the last 3 months, I've called in all kinds of favors, put in over $6,000 worth of goods and services, and not only do I not even get a thank you, but Jacob gets to take credit for all my hard work? I was crushed.

I just couldn't stay.

And I don't believe I will be working with them or even speaking to them for quite some time.

P.S. I later found out that this was all a "school project" for Jacob. I hope all my hard work got him an "A".

obligatory ambition.

2008-01-19T20:34:00.000-06:00

It's Saturday night and I'm at work.
Am I supposed to be? No.
Did anyone ask me to be? No.

I have this really weird feeling of obligation to be here like ALL the time. I'm not sure if it's because I'm just ambitious and I really want to make sure that everything happening under my roof is in order, OR if it's because I feel like I HAVE to. Like I'm less of a person, less of a professional or less of a leader if I don't show up.

After a night like last night I think "Well, I don't really need to be here, they're fine, and they can handle whatever comes up." Then I come into work tonight and no one is prepared. I feel like the mother hen barking out orders, making everyone get up on their toes because they sure weren't on them when I popped in.

Those are the things that worry me. Like, what if I finally get comfortable enough to the point where I can just stay home and enjoy my evening and everything goes awry? Then I guess it's my fault for not being here and making sure that all my little ducks are in a row.

Hmmm...

Rachael's Carrma

Adele, "Someone Like You"

Feeling a little torn...

Monday blues on Tuesday

The not-so-off, day off...

a new look!

another big change...

Inspiration!

oil.

her diamonds.

guilty dreams

Fertility and the older parent.

Letter to the Editor- in regards to immigration.

Mother, the heart of the Family.

To share the nursery...

A new blog!

health care

the exploitation locker.

inspiring and though provoking...

the tired cycle.

a boost today.

so I finally made the switch.

fun with Ben Folds

and Aubrey was her name...

already gone.

om.

cruising part 2- Key West

Tiger Woods & men who cheat.

vacationing!

catching up - news!

needing a kickstart.

in regards to the future of my blog.

hey scarlethue!

wallowing in bed-land

Fantabulously Frugal: Review + Giveaway: Handbag Heaven

feeling violated.

bare feet.

a new day.

good morning america.

i have heart :)

exciting things on the horizon!

concert mania.

posers.

morning.

homeowners associations.

on the heels of Iva Messy.

following your leads.

hilarious read!

in the city.

working through the work.

ode to dad.

flash in the pan.

when life hands you lemons, make lemonade!

till death do us part.

what's old is new.

mysteries of life.

“Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” - Cecil Beaton, photographer and fashion designer

meditating.

buried memories.

it's the little things.

it's monday.

inspired thoughts.

fleetwood mac.

a separate self.

#100. i am a molecule.

floundering in blog land.

reflection.

rain, rain, go away.

rainy saturday.

life in the grass.

new tunes.

baby talk.

aging.

get back on track.

that space between the weekend.

ahhh... weekend.

home.

impatience.

writing.

motivation.

“Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.”
- Cecil Beaton, photographer and fashion designer