inspired thoughts.

"People have this misconception of happy people, that we have no problems, never feel pain. But in reality I think truly happy people are those that have experienced the worst and have come out scarred but in one piece on the other side." -Scarlethue, A Beautiful Truth blog.

I have recently been struggling with my transition from "dark and twisty, angst ridden writer" to "happy, content, healthy relationship, married writer." It's tough sometimes.

Today, I was introduced to the blog referenced above by way of a comment that came by way of another blog that came by way of a forum. Crazy. It gave me some inspiration, though as we seem to be following some of the same paths. Isn't is funny how this little blog world works? You start out alone, venting your thoughts, clearing your head, even sometimes searching for a voice so that your insides aren't screaming all the time. One by one, peoples lives begin to intersect. You pick up a blog that sounds interesting, that picks up another blog, etc. Suddenly your following has doubled, and there are people reaching out (or reaching in rather) and connecting their lives to yours. It's pretty amazing.

Regardless of the content, there is always some common thread connecting us all. Another blog that I follow, "Life in the Second Half", has explored some of those same ideas, (AND she also has a great blog today about happiness, which is where I'm heading with this.) While some blogs follow the lives of their children, others are empty nesters, single people, animal lovers, activists, and the list goes on. And yet, we all share something with each other. I love reading these blogs and comparing lives and ideas to my own. Since I seem to have embarked on quite a search for truth and answers lately, it goes without saying that I am actively exploring. But, that's another blog entirely.

My original point in writing today was to explore this thing we call happy. Happiness is something different to every person. It's not intrinsic, it's not something you can create, it's not something you earn, and regardless of what the books and the "Oprah's" say, you can't will it upon yourself. It just happens.

Like any emotion, happiness has varying degrees and is experienced in vastly different ways by different people. The reason I really liked Scarlethue's quote is that it helped me to realize that my happiness is so much more rewarding to me because of the sharp contrast it has with some of the previous parts of my life. I've lived through bad. I've lived through sad, and hurt, and loneliness that I thought I would never surface from. I have always lived inside myself, but since my husband came along, I have finally been brave enough to let the real me out. He's the only person who knows that "me." Since he and I have been together, I have slowly been able to piece myself back together, and embrace the person I had always hoped to be.

Unfortunately, because we do have pasts, sometimes that past haunts us. There will always be remnants of memories, dreams, nightmares, and what have you that we will never escape. Little notes found buried in a box, songs that trigger a long forgotten emotional response. It happens all the time, usually without warning. There was a time when I tried to suppress these things, to make them go away. It made me feel guilty to think of the things in my past. However, I have come to regard these memories not as things to cling to, but as reminders of why I'm so happy now. They're little earmarks on the pages of my life to help me remember the paths that I took to get here. Would I be the same person without these people and things in my past? Absolutely not. So I will take my tragedy, my heartbreak, and the suffering from life's beat-downs, and move forward. I will mend the scars, heal old wounds, and piece by piece I'll be able to let go of the things that haunt me. I will be the same person, but wiser - more conditioned. The memories will diminish, and I will relish the happiness I've been blessed with; not dwell on the past, but build my future right on top of it...

And I may just end up as the happiest person ever.

new tunes.

Rarely do I make music recommendations. People are very particular about their music, and are generally hard to persuade away from that. But I must say, if you are looking for something new, or something different, or even looking to fall in love with some new music, you should definitely check out Blue October's new album, "Approaching Normal."

It's incredible. He's taken his edgy, angry music, and always insightful lyrics, and turned it into something positive without losing the edge! It's great. I know I've said before that my writing has been suffering because of all the "happy" clouding up my mind anymore, so I'm totally inspired to hear someone else making that transition so seamlessly.

Blue October has always been a great escape soundtrack for life. When I've found myself in a dark and twisty place, Justin has the lyrical mastery to reflect that void back in a way that moves me to the core. But much like many of us who are growing up and finding true happiness in our lives, he's taking a more sentimental approach and sharing those same transitional time periods with us. There's at least 3 songs on this new album that bring me to tears for their resemblance to my life pre- and post-Jerry and I getting together life.

Maybe I relate to it so well because a couple of years ago, I was beginning to think I would never find happiness. Sure, I assumed I would eventually get married, and I might be happy in a way; but I never expected to feel what I feel with Jerry, and to have what we have with each other. This is just so much different, and I say this after nearly 3 years, and 4 years of being friends before that.

Back then, I was messed up. Not so bad that others really knew, but bad enough that I have volumes of journals and blogs to remind me. I was lost. Lost in a way that there are some periods of that past that I can't even remember. There were lots of things I couldn't see. I couldn't see the destrctive relationships I was in, I couldn't see the bad decisions I was making, and I couldn't see the people around me who REALLY cared about me. What's worse, Jerry was my friend for a really long time before the light switch went on regarding us. I can't even really pinpoint what it was, or exactly when, but I know when everything changed. I grabbed his face one night when we had been out hanging with friends, and told him "I love you." The rest is history.

So when I hear Blue October sing "I saw forever in my never" I understand in a way that many people probably don't. I feel the pain that was there before. I feel the excitement of realizing something very important was happening in my life. I feel the overwhelming happiness that now engulfs me entirely. It's an experience beyond just music. It's a peek into my soul... a part of my soul that I haven't thought about in a really long time, but that I should make a point to never forget.

They say without pain, pleasure has no meaning. I believe that's true.

the wind.

I feel like this today...


I listen to the wind,
to the wind of my soul.
Where I'll end up well I think,
only God really knows.
I've sat upon the setting sun,
but never, never never never,
I never wanted water once.
No, never, never, never...

I listen to my words but
they fall far below.
I let my music take me where
my heart wants to go.
I swam upon the devil's lake,
but never, never never never,
I'll never make the same mistake.
No, never, never, never...

insomnia.

I remember being 7 years old and sleepless. That's how far is goes back.

Back then, it was more normal. What kid can sleep for any length of time when they're all wired up about Christmas morning? However, it is not usually like that for me. It's usually a dark restlessness. An inner twitch that electro-shocks my brain into frenzied thought and laborious worry.

Since you've been gone it's really been more along the lines of a physical pain keeping me awake. My heart uprooting from its otherwise happy state and groaning as it rolls over in my chest- deflated by your absence. Of course my mind worries about you- we've all heard the civilian horror stories of Nick Berg and the like. We are very aware of the prevalent danger.

Aside from the obvious, I have felt the never ending concern that can only come from little or no contact with you. I've tried patterning my days to coincide with yours. I know if I can stay up past midnight, you'll be awake again to correspond "live". I know around 2 or 3pm you're getting ready to go to bed. Coming in from the bases you've been at all days, settling in, and checking the web one more time before bed.

When you send me the most touching, heartfelt emails, it was all I could do to stop myself from gushing back a response. Instead, I fire back a quick "I LOVE YOU!!" An effort made if only in the hope that across the ocean we would be connected for even a moment. A gesture made to let you know "I'm here, I'm up, and I'm thinking of you at this exact moment." The little black letters on my white screen the only voice I have to you in the night...

Tonight, I lie awake, it is again after 2am. Instead of the lonely sadness that washes over me as I stare at your empty side of the bed, I am anxious. In less than 12 hours I will be in your arms once more!

I am 7 again.

Tomorrow is Christmas morning, and what awaits me on the other side of this night is far better than a pair of roller skates or a shiny new bike.

It's you. My love. Coming home to me again.

how can i tell you?

Jerry is in Kuwait, and I just keep listening to this song over and over, wishing I could talk to him. :(


"How can I tell you that I love you?
I love you, but I can't think of right words to say...
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you.
I'm always thinking of you, but my words just blow away...
It always ends up to one thing honey, and I can't think of right words to say.

Wherever I am, I'm always walking with you.
I'm always walking with you, but I look and you're not there.
Whoever I'm with, I'm always, always talking to you.
I'm always talking to you, I'm sad that you can't hear.
It always ends up to one thing honey, when I look and you're not there.

I need to know you,
Need to feel my arms around you.
Feel my arms around you, like sea around a shore.
Each night and day I pray, in hope that I might find you.
In hope that I might find you, because hearts can do no more...
It always ends up to one thing honey, still I kneel upon the floor.

How can I tell you that I love you?
I love you, but I can't think of right words to say.
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you.
I'm always thinking of you...

It always ends up to one thing honey, and I can't think of right words to say."