shams.

It's funny how things work out. You're going along about your life just fine, when all of a sudden you wake up, as if from a very long, hazy dream, to find out that it was all a sham. Everything your mind (or heart) tricked you into believing has totally dissapeared in the blink of an eye. And you find yourself standing there wondering, "what happened?" "where did I go wrong?" "what have I done to deserve finding myself in this ditch of complete hopelessness?"

All questions that I cannot answer. The funny thing is... as much as I would think that I would be broken, sad, and reduced to tears at the drop of a hat, I just don't feel that way. I feel betrayed. I feel used. I feel like I was taken for a fool. 

I am angry. 
I am bitter. 
I am numb.

neuroses.

So I have realized lately that I have become pretty neurotic in my old age. I don't know where this came from or how long it will last, but I feel a bit like "Monica" from Friends. You know, kinda fidgety and needing that instant gratification from everything around me.

I don't think I like it much...

trust.

I would like to say that I am a very trusting person... because I am, but while I will trust you to your face, I will wonder about the terrible things that are happening behind my back.

Maybe this makes me a fool... I do not know. I find myself enveloping myself in people so easily. Sharing my heart and my feelings and my fears with people who may not deserve that part of me. 

It's difficult sometimes for me to decipher reality from falsehood when it comes to someone I care about and trust willingly. How am I to know if they are lying or being decietful when I am easily blinded by my feelings and sense of trust? 

It is too easy at first to accept what the outsiders throw my way with only a grain of salt, but as time goes by, it becomes increasingly more difficult to battle the outside forces when even the inside ones are starting to look hazy. What to do?

I am starting to notice a pattern in my blog entries. They usually come on Mondays and Wednesdays... those of you who know what that means may infer your own conclusions. Every week it gets a little harder and a little more complicated to make it sucessfully through those few shaky days- but that's not to say I'm not trying extremely hard and that I'm not making every effort to keep a smiling face and not be judgemental prematurely.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's much harder when you care about someone who may not care about you just as much...

cynicsm.

I hate being honest with myself because it only makes me realize things that I do not like about me as a person.  I realize I am a cynic on some levels- there are things that I will never be 100% convinced of. Love is one of those things.

I'm the kind of person who will be having the time of my life and somewhere in the back of my mind I am just waiting for the bottom to drop out. Maybe I've been burned too many times- that's not it because I don't often get burned- maybe it's because I have burned so many people in my life that I am afraid that maybe it's my due time.

I do not consider myself a bad person but I suppose that it's hard for me to think that any relationship will really ever work out when there are too many possibilities to fail.

matisyahu.

You're all that I have and you're all that I need
Each and every day I pray to get to know you please
I want to be close to you, yes I'm so hungry
You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty
Without you there's no me
You're the air that I breathe...

immaturity.

I think it's so funny how people behave sometimes. Not funny, haha, funny stupid. I would like to think that i surround myself with intellegent, mature, adults, but apparently I am mistaken.

I'm sorry, but taking a stab at me by deleting me off your myspace friends list is NOT going to hurt my feelings. It's going to hurt YOU. I dont even understand the rationality behind it- do I care if I have one less "friend" on my list? No, because quite frankly the people who are my real friends anyway stand by me in life and do not feel the need to validate each other on a stupid website.

I am not a child, and I consider myself a reasonably intellegent person capable of adult conversation and a sound ability to handle confrontation if necessary. Unfortunately it seems that my attempts to be honest, forthcoming and sincere have only served to piss a couple of people off. People who, rather than come to me and talk about it, decide instead to find a solution by means of pettiness.

Well, fine then... you don't want to be my friend? I don't need you anyway... 

get the word out.

Apparently I am not so good at being accomodating. I like my space and I don't think anyone can fault me for that.  Some days I have alot going on and I just cannot handle one more thing on my plate.  It's frustrating, but does this make me a bad person??

I feel like I need to wear a sign on my shirt saying "emotionally unavailable, slightly inconsiderate, selfish, and needy" just so that people know exactly what they are getting themselves into. 

I don't feel like this every day- just a few days here and there lately. I suppose it could be the partying bringing me down on a daily basis, but not knowing makes it harder to feel better.