fantasy weekend.

Now that it's been a couple of days, I think I have come off my little cloud enough to write a bit.

Everyone knows that Vegas is awesome. You literally cannot go wrong no matter what you do. All of the major hotels are great, the food is fantastic, the entertainment is unmatched, and the clubs are always bumpin. Even if you don't gamble (which I really don't) there are still endless things to do. That being said- you would think a vacation on those terms could not get much better.  

I went out there trying to be as unassuming as possible. Ok- first of all, this guy finds me interesting enough to want to spend time with me. This is a good thing. On top of that, he thinks enough of me to fly me out there and set it all up so that I do not have to lift a finger other than packing a bag and showing up at the airport. Pretty nice little package deal, am I wrong? Needless to say, I didn't know quite what to expect. I obviously like the guy, find him interesting and engaging and whatnot, or else I don't think I would have bothered trying to spend three whole days with him again. 

So he's totally adorable when I get in... not in a cutesy way- obviously he's an attractive man- I'm talking fidgety and nervous to the point where I could totally tell he didn't know what to expect from me any more than did I know what to expect from him. Anyway- that didn't last long at all, and I knew it wouldn't. Because in spite of everything else that I find so attractive about him, probably my favorite thing is the conversation we have. We literally talked non-stop the entire trip. Never have I been around someone for such a long period of time and not run out of things to talk about. 

That could be because we have eighty million things in common- which is also a first for me. And I'm starting to notice a trend here- namely that things are so easy with Mr. OC. Not easy like everything's handed to me, but easy like this is the way things were supposed to be all along. Had I known that things could be like this with a guy, I would not have wasted so much time on the other worthless guys I have dated in the past. I am learning- which is good- who wants to go through their entire life not learning anything new? I'm learning that it's ok to not be the strong one, it's ok to let him take the lead, it's ok to not be so neurotic about stupid small things. Wow- is this actually a grown-up I am dealing with? Amazing.

I digress... so the weekend was fabulous. Suite at a four star hotel, fine dining at fancy restaurants, laughing and playing at the pool, sightseeing, hitting up some INCREDIBLE clubs, and high end shopping. It was hard to leave. Yes the trip was fun- but the man was better! That was the part that was hard to leave. And here is where I find my problem.

Stupid me- did I forget that he lives in California? And that I live in Texas? And if I'm LUCKY I may get to see him once every several weeks? This was not the kind of weekend you walk away from feeling nonchalant about. You don't have offhand memories of a weekend like this. I'm invested. I'm wrapped up. I'm upside down for crying out loud! This is not what I wanted to be feeling. I wanted to go, have a good time, come home, and not think too much about it until maybe we got the chance to see each other again. Not happening. Not at all. 

So now what? Do I play it cool and wait it out? Do I become more aggressive and make some pro-active moves? Do I just stop thinking about it and let it run its course? I don't know... I do know that he called me 3 times when I was at the airport on my way back home. And I also know I've gotten more emails and texts than ever before from him this week. And it's only been 3 days. 

I can say that from the pictures I have showed other people, I am getting the same reaction- "Wow, Rach, you look so happy." Imagine that. I never knew that I didn't always look happy. I guess he brings out the best in me. But I already knew that...

blogs.

I am not an idiot- I know people read my blogs. I kept a few of them private for a while, and a few more only to where people on my friends list could view them. But for some reason the other day, I made them all public. I guess I just decided that it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe people need to see what I am thinking and feeling about things. Maybe I'm tired of being the only person who knows that I hurt. Maybe I want people to see that I'm trying to be happy- in spite of the unfortunate cards that I have been dealt in the last few months. 

And you- you know who you are- I don't want you to think I've forgotten. I don't want you to think I write to hurt you. Honestly, I didnt think you would be interested enough to read anyway. I always secretly hoped you would- I used to write about you all the time. I wrote about us, good or bad, with the thought that maybe it would help you understand. Understand that I still love you and I probably always will. I can't change that, and I don't want to. And now, it's out in the open. You can see it plainly here now and so can everyone else. And I dont care who knows. Everyone thinks I'm nuts for caring about you after everything that's happened- but I dont care. I can't help the way I feel just like you can't help the way you feel about your situation. 

Anyway- there it is. No sugar coating, no lies. And yes- I am still going to Vegas, and I am still going to have a great time with someone who does not complicate my life. I'm not trying to marry the guy, but I deserve to have fun too. Just like you needed to get away the other night- so do I. I wish you could understand that. After all- I'm not the one who put us in this situation. But sometimes, it seems like I'm the only one interested in fixing it. 

At the end of the day, I just keep missing you.

one week.

This is the last weekend before my big Vegas trip. The scandalous rendezvous with the sexy older man in my life. Can I believe it? No. Am I totally stoked? Hell yes. 

I cannot even believe this is happening to me. A real, flesh & blood, awesome guy who I have the most engaging conversations with & have the most incredible time with has taken to flying me all over the country to hang out with him. And considering all the bullshit I have been through in the past several months- it is a welcome respite.

Between falling in love with the man of my dreams, being loved by the man of my dreams, crazy psycho slut bag bitches trying to kill me, boys who cannot make up their minds, near-death hospital visits, and things that I can't even remember... I have had quite the interesting year already.

So, now I'm thinking... IT'S MY TURN for crying out loud! I deserve something good in my life! I am a good person and I need other good people in my life. People who don't take me for granted. People who care about me for REAL & don't have any problem committing to that. People who appreciate what they find in me & people who make actual time for me.

Here we go- I'm gearing up and getting REALLY excited! And I know that seeing Mr. OC again will totally make my month!

vegas baby.

WOW! Despite my negativity and tendencies to assume the worst, it is actually happening! 

I just got my itenerary in my email confirming my plane tickets to VEGAS!! Holy Crap! Did I mention I'm starting to feel very "Pretty Woman" in this situation? 

So, I am SOOO excited, I can hardly wait!! 3 1/2 weeks to wait. But that's ok... everyone knows I work so much that time really flies around here. 

Who knew Mr. O.C. was this spontaneous and fun?!?

orange county to be exact.

So it appears that I will be making a trip to the L.A. area in the next couple of months... isn't that crazy?!? I need some feedback. Am I nuts? 

I've never been anywhere... expecially anywhere with the potential to be as much fun as that, or with any company that great...so needless to say I am really quite excited! *desipte the fact that Mr. OC thinks I'm freaking out ;)

So... I guess we'll see... :)

california.

As I am not known to be the silly, spur-of-the-moment type, I find myself a little surprised by the chain of events in my life through the past few days.

I don't really go out to the clubs on weekdays- it's rarely fun, it's an unusual/weak crowd, and the music sucks. Well THANK GOODNESS I let Vanessa twist my arm into checking out Belvedere Thursday night. What a trip! Fun atmosphere, great music, and even better company. Yes, that means you, Mr. OC. Who else?

Let's just say I will never underestimate the older, handsome, business traveller EVER again!

my heart hurts.

I've heard that there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord.
But you don't really care for music, do ya?
Well it goes like this:
The fourth, the fifth,
The minor fall, the major lift,
The baffled king composing "Hallelujah"

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya.
Well she tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew: "Hallelujah..."

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before
I know this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya.
But I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Our Love is not a victory march!
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah...

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

There was a time
You let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do ya?
And remember when I moved ya?
The holy dark was moving too,
And every breath we drew was: "Hallelujah..."

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.
It's not a cry you can hear at night,
It's not someone who's seen the light,
It's a cold and broken Hallelujah...

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah...