nowhere warm.

Just when you think you have life figured out...

And I know there will be people reading this who may freak out, assume whatever, and ask a zillion questions, but I don't care. I gotta get it out of my head or I will never get to sleep. This is the third night in a row that I haven't been able to sleep.

I thought I knew what was going on in my life. I thought I knew what could pull my heart strings and what no longer could. Unfortunately I was mistaken. How many rules can I break? 

How many lives can I make? I can only juggle for so long before my arms are going to get tired and I collapse. It seems that once I feel I have sucessfully closed the doors that were distracting me so that I could move forward and just focus for once, I turn around and there's a whole new set of doors that I thought I took care of already.

How many mistakes am I allowed before I just lose everything? What I do not understand, is why, if I know better, I can let things get so complicated? 

I was O.K. I was sane. I was collected and secure in the events transpiring in my life. I knew where I stood and where everyone else stood too, for that matter. This is the problem with letting my heart speak up louder than my head. I listen to that stupid stupid voice that tells me who I care about and what makes me feel good and carefully ignore the intuition that tells me if he hurt me once he will inevitably hurt me again.

So I'm afraid. Because now, I find myself in a lose/lose situation. If I turn away, I will be anguished by my yearning heart and it's sad misunderstanding of what is best for me. If I do not turn away I will become wound so tightly around the situation that when it eventually snaps I will be so, so much worse for the wear.

And yet, all I can do is close my eyes. I close my eyes and I am overwhelmed with the wave of intense feelings and memories that consume the part of my life that I tried so earnestly to forget. I had to tuck the bleating sounds of them into the darkest, farthest corners of my mind, locking them away until they finally gave up fighting me. I do not want to fight with them anymore. I want them to go away, but I cannot untangle my fingers from grasping them long enough to let them go. They are like the most potent and dangerous drug ever imagined. 

But of course it's a drug. 
After all, that's all that love is anyway.

thx to andi.

"You aren't going to be her 1st, her last, or her only... shes loved before; she will love again. 

But if she loves you now, what else matters? 

Shes not perfect - you're not either. 

If she can make you laugh and if she admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can. 

Shes not going to be thinking about you every moment of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows YOU can break - her heart. 

So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. 

Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad and miss her when she's not there. 

Because perfect girls don't exist, but there's always ONE girl that is perfect for you."

today.

This is your life.

Right now.

It's happening all around you.

It doesn't wait for you to pick yourself back up.

do i play 2nd?

I have lots of things running around in my head so I'm not sure how to even approach this. But lately I've been feeling like I'm playing 2nd all the time. I know that I am my own person and that I am fully capable of having my own situations and carrying on my own life. However, I find myself in all these situations where I feel like I'm just the "supporting actor". Not that I'm a conceited, self-centered person or anything, but when is it ever going to be about me?

No one ever asks how I'm doing, and when they do, it seems like their attention span isnt even long enough to hear my response. I listen to everyone's problems, advise on everyone elses concerns and smile in the background while someone else takes the spotlight. I think at some point I just got tired of trying to compete with all the "shining stars" around me and just gave up. I suppose that's why I know so many people, but don't really "know" them. And it's also a real possibility that so many people that I have met before more often than not don't even remember me. 

I think it's sad. Makes me kinda feel like a chump. Not cool.

life's changes.

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. 

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. 

You look at what you're studying or your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. 

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. 

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. 

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone! but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now youare scared just to be a contender! 

What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Send this to your friends... maybe it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion... 

down time.

Ok, so... in light of my new situation I have found myself having quite a bit of free time on my hands. Honestly, I enjoy it very much but somehow always seem drawn to the hustle and bustle of keeping myself as busy as possible. So, instead of enjoying my afternoons and such, I find myself making camp in Buckley's extra office working on my briefs and helping Crystal asnwer phones, just to stay busy. 

Oh, well... I guess that's just my nature! I can't help it, I'm a workaholic or something. Nothing wrong with that I guess, but I will be glad when I am not juggling two jobs at the same time. Working alot is not a problem... working just as hard in two different fields is what seems to wear me down these days. 

Crystal was right- I am definitely reading about some disturbing lives and it's hard not to let your emotions get involved. I guess that will just take time and practice to master looking past it.

Ok, enough babbling for now. I do have to send congrats out to Jerry Wayne for the big news he just delivered me... YEAH FOR YOU! It's about damn time!! haha

news.

Ok, who's ready to hear the story?

Last Friday I had a huge falling out with my boss. It was a long time coming, I guess but it pushed me to do what I have been needing to do for a long time: move on. Of course I was upset and feeling irrational, and I would have never made it through the day without my friends rallying around me. 

Andrea pushed me out of the nest and Crystal caught me. haha. Without the encouragement of Andrea to get the hell out and both her and Crystal's support in finding a new destination, I may not have made this step that I have been needing to make for months. And I am so grateful. I am still stunned by the fact that it took less than 3 hours to find a new job. And not just a job, but something that I have the potential to do really well at and even make a career of. Thank you so much girls for having my back and helping me get out of that volatile situation. :) I owe you BIG TIME!

SO anyway- on to Sean Buckley's office to write briefs for he and Crystal and back to a normal life. No more working 70 hour weeks. No more being on call 24 hours a day. No more of my cell phone blowing up all the time. No more running bullshit errands all the time. No more picking up the pieces.

AND I can FINALLY take a vacation!! I have had a WHOPPING 2.5 days off this year and I think I'm due. Yea!!

On top of all that I am moving on Saturday to a new, cheaper apartment so not only will I be making more money, but I will be spending less. Works out pretty well I think. It's funny how all this happened in only a matter of a week. 

Wish me luck, and keep in touch and you can email me at rceezee@sbcglobal.net and my cell phone number will be the same!

Thanks again girls for making it possible to change my life for the better! It was about time... :)