saddam.

Ok, so I decided yesterday to hunt down and watch the Saddam Hussein execution video. For anyone who has been living in a hole for the last week, Saddam was scheduled to be executed this weekend by way of hanging. 

First of all, it is somewhat surprising that they decided to hang him. I guess I am just one of those anethetized Americans who forgets that in other parts of the world there are horribly appalling things happening on a daily basis. Please do not misunderstand that statement. I in no way think that Hussein deserved to live out the remainder of his life locked up behind bars, pulling the puppet strings of his minions from confinement. I agree with the judgement, I was just not prepared to see what I saw.

Moving on... The aparatus used to hang someone is something that I take for granted would have to be constructed for an occasion such as this. I, however, was very wrong. You see in the video this structure (and I did look online to see if I could find the proper name for this Hangman's apparatus, with no luck whatsoever.) A structure that has clearly been around for quite some time. There are years on the scaffolding that have probably seen hundreds if not thousands of men die in a noose. It is constructed indoors in balcony fashion so that the viewers may see the whole process from above or below. When the doors drop open, the spectators below witness the person drop down right in front of them. It's bizzare, and yet a reinforcement to the way less humane societies still operate.

Like I said, I was not prepared to see what I saw. Hussein refused to wear the hood traditionally used to cover the executionee's head. Was this pride? Was this an attempt to insure that the world would be positive that they received their justice? I don't know... but it certainly created the opportunity to make a more dramatic scene. I sat here knowing what I was about to witness, watching them pray and watching him, with his saccharine smirk preparing himself mentally for the last moment of his life. I am looking forward, in the insuing days, for the translation of the video to emerge so that we may know what is being said in his last moments. For the reality of the situation is, that he was mid-sentence when the executioners dropped the doors from beneath him. My stomach dropped at this same instant and my heart pounded for nearly an hour afterwards.

I do not know why this event rendered such a physical response in me. This man could easily be considered this era's "Hitler". It is said that he is responsible for over one million deaths in the Middle East, and that is not even including the countless hundreds of soldiers whose lives were lost in warfare with this man and his subservients. To watch him dangle on that rope, his head twisted in such a way that no person's head should ever be twisted from it's body, was indescribable. It was almost stoic the way the light came through the hatch, open from above, and shone on his lifeless face below. His experssion was that of almost satisfaction, and that alone infuriated me. There seemed no trace of fear, no trace of regret. I believe he felt a sense of honor in his death, and for that reason I believe the execution was a waste on him. He did not suffer like the people he tortured and killed. He did not die in worry for his loved ones like the people he tore from families, and from perfectly good lives. He died knowing that his legacy will live on, and that the rule by his horrible regime will forever be fused in the hearts of the world. It most certainly will not be an event that I will soon forget.

Some have told me it's "sick" to want to watch that. I searched and watched the Nick Berg beheading as well back in 2004. Maybe it is "sick" but I firmly believe that knowledge is power. And in order to be the most well-informed citizen, and most well-rounded individual, that I must see and hear and read as much as is accessible in all dimensions of society. My heart bled for Nick Berg, and I cried for the injustice and inhumanity done to he and his family. I suppose some part of me needed to know that Saddam was actually dead. Needed to know because I have been hearing about him and his vile ways my entire life. Maybe more importantly because there are people that I love who are involved and who have been involved in the wars overseas. Because, were it not for this man, there would be none of our loved ones over there in the first place, and there would not be such political unrest in our own society. 

Hopefully this event can bring some peace to a world that has been darkened for far too long.

impatience.

These are perfect words to sum up my week so far...

God, help me not to be impatient, but to wait upon You and what You want to bless me with. Give me the strength not to give in to the way the world runs life, because I know that You have all of my steps designed. 

(Thanks to Joel) haha

osteen.

I have never been a religious person. I have never attended church on a regular basis, nor have I ever actually been a member of a congregation. That's ok with me. I am spiritual and I know what I believe and that is good enough for me. Since moving to Houston almost 3 years ago, I could not help but hear of Lakewood Church and its minister Joel Osteen. While I have never attended Lakewood Church, I frequently watch Joel's sermon on TV on Sunday nights. It is always refreshing, and no matter what it is that I am struggling with, I can turn on his sermon and he will inevitably be speaking about whatever it is I'm going through.

Tonight it struck me hard because his sermon was called "Sowing the Seed in your Time of Need". He was talking specifically about relationships and when other people hurt you. He recounted the story of a woman friend of his who repeatedly found herself giving and giving of herself only to continue to get hurt by the guys she dated. Hmmm... sound familiar? Does to me! Anyway, the things he said really made me feel better about the things that happened this weekend and gave me hope that someday I will find someone who really cares for me the way I care for them.

Good ol' Joel. Thanks buddy.

the notebook.

I don't know what it is with me and movies lately. Apparently my movie selections need to be evaluated a little more carefully as to not throw me into a whirlwind of emotion and questions.

I wrote about The Notebook once before. But not publicly. I wrote about it to a dear friend, perhaps the love of my life, that I let slip away from me because of my foolish pride and my uneccesary concern for the feelings of others. If I would stop for a moment and think about what I want for once, maybe the decisions in my life would turn out differently. Now, I fear that I have lost him forever, and that I will never have a chance to make things right again. He's gone. So far gone that he's overseas. We have barely spoken over the last 2 years except him calling me to say he has been called away to war. And now I think about him almost daily, wondering how he is, if he will ever come home, and how things might have been different. What would our lives be like now if I, instead of taking the "safe" road, had stood in that gazeebo in Lubbock, Texas, knowing full well that it would be the last time I saw him, and grabbed him in my arms and let us just be us. He was always the one. From the beginning he was always the one.

I stopped watching The Notebook after the last time I saw him. It was too hard. It's the only story I have ever seen that makes me feel the way I felt when I was with him. I decided I needed to let it go- to let him have his life and let things happen the way they are meant to happen. So I stopped watching it. Until today. And it never fails. It solicits the same emotions in me every time. Emotions that I thought I had forgotten about. That had been pushed aside and replaced with new ones. But that's not the case. They are still there, and the more I think about it, I believe they will always be there. And they will always be as strong as they were when I was 18 and I met my soul mate.


"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul, that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me, and that's what I hope to give to you forever." --Noah Calhoun

shopgirl.

So I just finished watching "Shopgirl" for like, the 85th time since I was turned onto it. No matter how many times I see it, it always provokes the same feelings in me. It is so familiar. Actually, it's too familiar. One of the things I love the most about this movie is that Alli suggested it to me. She wanted me to see it because it made her think of me. Oh, you wise, wise, woman. You never cease to amaze me and I love ya for it. You, I think are one of the few people who really, truly understands what's going on with me. 

I think it struck me so this time because of the long, deep talk Mr. OC and I had just yesterday. It was a talk about futures, a talk about serious feelings and what may or may not be possible for the two of us. At this moment I feel like I am standing in Mirabelle's shoes wading through a relationship with Ray Porter. (Don't get it? Rent the movie.) 

There are so many poignant moments in the movie that I cannot help but relate to myself, and wonder if they are a possibility for me. Needless to say, I understand the complexity of the situation. There is no doubt about that. However, I do not understand WHY it must be so complicated. I used to believe that it was possible to be involved with someone without being attached. God knows I've done it many times. I'm usually quite talented at pushing the boundaries out to where they fit the terms. Turns out, it's not so easy when you are face to face with the person you've been waiting for and they are just not so sure. 

Maybe I'm just young and stupid. Maybe I've deluded myself to the wiles of the world. Maybe I am too sheltered and too giving and too ready to immerse myself. Maybe I'm afraid that I'm about to turn 25, and I don't even have any worthwhile prospects of a serious relationship in my life. I used to think that I would be the first. I was always the one with the serious boyfriend and that had been dating him the longest. I, in a perfect world, would have been done by now. I would at least be married and probably about ready to have my 1st child. What happened to that? And worse, what if it never happens? What if I continue down this road of dead end relationships and never make any real headway? Somehow I can't shake the feeling that I'm holding out on purpose. That I'm meant for something more. For something that will knock my socks off, because it hadn't happened yet.

But I digress... so back to my point.

I'm thinking of asking him to watch this movie. Not to be offensive, but to help him understand what my concerns and questions are about this relationship. Maybe he will agree. He could surprise me... he does that so often. Just when I'm certain that I know what he's thinking, he usually throws me for a loop. 

On the one hand, he is so tender and caring for me. He calls me to check on me when I'm sick. He sends me funny emails and texts when he knows I am stressed or down. He whisks me all over the country and treats me like a princess in the process. No flaws in that, right? Of course not- if that's all it's going to be. But what if I want more?

He knows me better than anyone I have ever dated knows me. He knows about my dark inwardness, and he knows what my pensive quiet moments mean. I love that. No one had ever "gotten" me quite the way he does. My fear is that he doesn't want another serious relationship. He has been married already. He has a kid already. (and as far as I'm concerned, that's fantastic!) But I'm afraid he wouldn't do it again. He somtimes seems so wrapped up in the fact that he's almost 40 that he cannot see past the end of his nose to what is staring him in the face. (Or better, WHO, is staring him in the face.)

I don't know why I am having all these aprehensions and concerns at this particular time. Maybe it's because it's the holidays & people do weird things around the holidays. Who knows. What I do know is he will be here, just for me, in just 3 weeks and I cannot wait to see what happens next.

epiphany.

"Life is not about finding yourself-
Life is about creating yourself."

--George Bernard Shaw

wreck of day.

Driving away from the wreck of the day, 
and the light's always red in the rearview.

Desperately close to a coffin of hope,
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you.

And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up.
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, 
Giving up on love, on love.

Driving awawy from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking about calling on Jesus.
'Cause love doesnt hurt, 
So i know im not falling in love, 
I'm just falling to pieces.

And if this is giving up, then im giving up, 
If this is giing up, then I'm giving up,
Giving up on love, on love.

And maybe I'm not above being a victim of love,
All my resistance will never be distance at all.

Driving away from the wreck of the day, 
And it's finally quiet in my head.
Driving alone, I'm finally on my way home
to the comfort of my bed.

And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up.
If this is giving up, then I'm giving, im giving up, 
On love, on love.