It's after 3am and that is never a good sign for my blogs. It means that I am restless and introspective. Not that being introspective is bad, it just means there is something weighing heavily on my mind.
I said in an earlier bulletin that "what if you wake up one day and realize something that you've known all along?" There is some serious thought behind that. I am a very internal problem solver. While the rest of the world slumbers peacefully, I am here, awake, wondering what to do about the whirlwind of feelings that is absolutely consuming every fiber of my being.
I woke up this morning with a new perspective on life. I found myself fluttering in my stomach and thinking about you all day...
I know you're reading this. You read all of my blogs. So what do I do now? I'm scared. I've always been scared of you. But you knew that... I told you way back when... You know me better than anyone, and yet you are still around. Why? What is it that you see that no one else sees? What is it that you see that I myself cannot see? I think I struggle with this so much because I still do not know myself as well as I should. I have never been so overwhelmed with a desire to follow what I feel in my heart as well as a debilitating fear of making a disastrous decision...
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
good enough.
I finally understand this song...
hey your glass is empty,
it's a hell of a long way home.
why don't you let me take you?
it's no good to go alone.
I never would have opened up,
but you seem so real to me.
and after all the bullshit I've heard,
it's refreshing not to see,
that I don't have to pretend.
she doesn't expect it from me.
so dont tell me I
haven't been good to you
don't tell me I
have never been there for you
just tell me why
nothing is good enough?
hey little girl, would you like some candy?
your momma said its ok...
the door is open, come on outside
"no, i cant come out to play"
it's not the wind that grabbed your shoulder
and threw you to the ground.
who's there that makes you so afraid?
you're shaken to the bone.
you know, I don't understand,
you deserve so much more than this.
so don't tell me why he's never been god to you,
don't tell me why, he's never been there for you,
don't you know that why, is some kind of good enough?
so just let me try
I will be good to you
just let me try
and I will be there for you
I'll show you why
it's so much more than good enough.
so don't tell me why, he's never been good to you
don't tell me why he's never been there for you
don't you know that why, is some kind of good enough?
oh, so just let me try,
I will be good to you...
just let me try
and I will be there for you...
I'll show you why,
YOU'RE so much more than good enough...
hey your glass is empty,
it's a hell of a long way home.
why don't you let me take you?
it's no good to go alone.
I never would have opened up,
but you seem so real to me.
and after all the bullshit I've heard,
it's refreshing not to see,
that I don't have to pretend.
she doesn't expect it from me.
so dont tell me I
haven't been good to you
don't tell me I
have never been there for you
just tell me why
nothing is good enough?
hey little girl, would you like some candy?
your momma said its ok...
the door is open, come on outside
"no, i cant come out to play"
it's not the wind that grabbed your shoulder
and threw you to the ground.
who's there that makes you so afraid?
you're shaken to the bone.
you know, I don't understand,
you deserve so much more than this.
so don't tell me why he's never been god to you,
don't tell me why, he's never been there for you,
don't you know that why, is some kind of good enough?
so just let me try
I will be good to you
just let me try
and I will be there for you
I'll show you why
it's so much more than good enough.
so don't tell me why, he's never been good to you
don't tell me why he's never been there for you
don't you know that why, is some kind of good enough?
oh, so just let me try,
I will be good to you...
just let me try
and I will be there for you...
I'll show you why,
YOU'RE so much more than good enough...
9 crimes.
Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do.
It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you.
It's the wrong time for somebody new.
It's a small crime and I got no excuse,
And is that allright?
To give my gun away when its loaded?
Is that allright?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?
It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you.
It's the wrong time for somebody new.
It's a small crime and I got no excuse,
And is that allright?
To give my gun away when its loaded?
Is that allright?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?
Saturday, January 13, 2007
broken.
My mom changed my life today with this song:
Broken
Not a cloud up in the sky,
And then it starts to rain.
My defenses hit the ground and they shatter all around,
So open and exposed.
But I found strength in the circle,
Face to face with my troubles
When you're broken in a million little pieces,
And you're tryin, but you can't hold on anymore,
Every tear falls down for a reason,
Don't you stop beleivin in yourself,
When youre broken
Little girl dont be so blue,
I know what youre going through.
Don't let it beat you up.
Hittin walls and getting scars only makes you who you are.
It only makes you who you are.
No matter how much your heart is aching,
There is beauty in the breaking.
When you're broken in a million little pieces,
And you're trying but you can hold on anymore,
Every tear falls down for a reason,
Don't you stop believin in yourself.
When you're broken...
Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find its place,
When you're broken...
When you're broken...
When you're broken in a million little pieces,
And you're tryin but you can hold on anymore,
Every tear falls down for a reason,
Don't you stop believin in yourself.
When you're broken...
Oh when you're broken,
When you're broken
When you're broken....
Sunday, December 31, 2006
saddam.
Ok, so I decided yesterday to hunt down and watch the Saddam Hussein execution video. For anyone who has been living in a hole for the last week, Saddam was scheduled to be executed this weekend by way of hanging.
First of all, it is somewhat surprising that they decided to hang him. I guess I am just one of those anethetized Americans who forgets that in other parts of the world there are horribly appalling things happening on a daily basis. Please do not misunderstand that statement. I in no way think that Hussein deserved to live out the remainder of his life locked up behind bars, pulling the puppet strings of his minions from confinement. I agree with the judgement, I was just not prepared to see what I saw.
Moving on... The aparatus used to hang someone is something that I take for granted would have to be constructed for an occasion such as this. I, however, was very wrong. You see in the video this structure (and I did look online to see if I could find the proper name for this Hangman's apparatus, with no luck whatsoever.) A structure that has clearly been around for quite some time. There are years on the scaffolding that have probably seen hundreds if not thousands of men die in a noose. It is constructed indoors in balcony fashion so that the viewers may see the whole process from above or below. When the doors drop open, the spectators below witness the person drop down right in front of them. It's bizzare, and yet a reinforcement to the way less humane societies still operate.
Like I said, I was not prepared to see what I saw. Hussein refused to wear the hood traditionally used to cover the executionee's head. Was this pride? Was this an attempt to insure that the world would be positive that they received their justice? I don't know... but it certainly created the opportunity to make a more dramatic scene. I sat here knowing what I was about to witness, watching them pray and watching him, with his saccharine smirk preparing himself mentally for the last moment of his life. I am looking forward, in the insuing days, for the translation of the video to emerge so that we may know what is being said in his last moments. For the reality of the situation is, that he was mid-sentence when the executioners dropped the doors from beneath him. My stomach dropped at this same instant and my heart pounded for nearly an hour afterwards.
I do not know why this event rendered such a physical response in me. This man could easily be considered this era's "Hitler". It is said that he is responsible for over one million deaths in the Middle East, and that is not even including the countless hundreds of soldiers whose lives were lost in warfare with this man and his subservients. To watch him dangle on that rope, his head twisted in such a way that no person's head should ever be twisted from it's body, was indescribable. It was almost stoic the way the light came through the hatch, open from above, and shone on his lifeless face below. His experssion was that of almost satisfaction, and that alone infuriated me. There seemed no trace of fear, no trace of regret. I believe he felt a sense of honor in his death, and for that reason I believe the execution was a waste on him. He did not suffer like the people he tortured and killed. He did not die in worry for his loved ones like the people he tore from families, and from perfectly good lives. He died knowing that his legacy will live on, and that the rule by his horrible regime will forever be fused in the hearts of the world. It most certainly will not be an event that I will soon forget.
Some have told me it's "sick" to want to watch that. I searched and watched the Nick Berg beheading as well back in 2004. Maybe it is "sick" but I firmly believe that knowledge is power. And in order to be the most well-informed citizen, and most well-rounded individual, that I must see and hear and read as much as is accessible in all dimensions of society. My heart bled for Nick Berg, and I cried for the injustice and inhumanity done to he and his family. I suppose some part of me needed to know that Saddam was actually dead. Needed to know because I have been hearing about him and his vile ways my entire life. Maybe more importantly because there are people that I love who are involved and who have been involved in the wars overseas. Because, were it not for this man, there would be none of our loved ones over there in the first place, and there would not be such political unrest in our own society.
Hopefully this event can bring some peace to a world that has been darkened for far too long.
First of all, it is somewhat surprising that they decided to hang him. I guess I am just one of those anethetized Americans who forgets that in other parts of the world there are horribly appalling things happening on a daily basis. Please do not misunderstand that statement. I in no way think that Hussein deserved to live out the remainder of his life locked up behind bars, pulling the puppet strings of his minions from confinement. I agree with the judgement, I was just not prepared to see what I saw.
Moving on... The aparatus used to hang someone is something that I take for granted would have to be constructed for an occasion such as this. I, however, was very wrong. You see in the video this structure (and I did look online to see if I could find the proper name for this Hangman's apparatus, with no luck whatsoever.) A structure that has clearly been around for quite some time. There are years on the scaffolding that have probably seen hundreds if not thousands of men die in a noose. It is constructed indoors in balcony fashion so that the viewers may see the whole process from above or below. When the doors drop open, the spectators below witness the person drop down right in front of them. It's bizzare, and yet a reinforcement to the way less humane societies still operate.
Like I said, I was not prepared to see what I saw. Hussein refused to wear the hood traditionally used to cover the executionee's head. Was this pride? Was this an attempt to insure that the world would be positive that they received their justice? I don't know... but it certainly created the opportunity to make a more dramatic scene. I sat here knowing what I was about to witness, watching them pray and watching him, with his saccharine smirk preparing himself mentally for the last moment of his life. I am looking forward, in the insuing days, for the translation of the video to emerge so that we may know what is being said in his last moments. For the reality of the situation is, that he was mid-sentence when the executioners dropped the doors from beneath him. My stomach dropped at this same instant and my heart pounded for nearly an hour afterwards.
I do not know why this event rendered such a physical response in me. This man could easily be considered this era's "Hitler". It is said that he is responsible for over one million deaths in the Middle East, and that is not even including the countless hundreds of soldiers whose lives were lost in warfare with this man and his subservients. To watch him dangle on that rope, his head twisted in such a way that no person's head should ever be twisted from it's body, was indescribable. It was almost stoic the way the light came through the hatch, open from above, and shone on his lifeless face below. His experssion was that of almost satisfaction, and that alone infuriated me. There seemed no trace of fear, no trace of regret. I believe he felt a sense of honor in his death, and for that reason I believe the execution was a waste on him. He did not suffer like the people he tortured and killed. He did not die in worry for his loved ones like the people he tore from families, and from perfectly good lives. He died knowing that his legacy will live on, and that the rule by his horrible regime will forever be fused in the hearts of the world. It most certainly will not be an event that I will soon forget.
Some have told me it's "sick" to want to watch that. I searched and watched the Nick Berg beheading as well back in 2004. Maybe it is "sick" but I firmly believe that knowledge is power. And in order to be the most well-informed citizen, and most well-rounded individual, that I must see and hear and read as much as is accessible in all dimensions of society. My heart bled for Nick Berg, and I cried for the injustice and inhumanity done to he and his family. I suppose some part of me needed to know that Saddam was actually dead. Needed to know because I have been hearing about him and his vile ways my entire life. Maybe more importantly because there are people that I love who are involved and who have been involved in the wars overseas. Because, were it not for this man, there would be none of our loved ones over there in the first place, and there would not be such political unrest in our own society.
Hopefully this event can bring some peace to a world that has been darkened for far too long.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
impatience.
These are perfect words to sum up my week so far...
God, help me not to be impatient, but to wait upon You and what You want to bless me with. Give me the strength not to give in to the way the world runs life, because I know that You have all of my steps designed.
(Thanks to Joel) haha
God, help me not to be impatient, but to wait upon You and what You want to bless me with. Give me the strength not to give in to the way the world runs life, because I know that You have all of my steps designed.
(Thanks to Joel) haha
Monday, December 11, 2006
osteen.
I have never been a religious person. I have never attended church on a regular basis, nor have I ever actually been a member of a congregation. That's ok with me. I am spiritual and I know what I believe and that is good enough for me. Since moving to Houston almost 3 years ago, I could not help but hear of Lakewood Church and its minister Joel Osteen. While I have never attended Lakewood Church, I frequently watch Joel's sermon on TV on Sunday nights. It is always refreshing, and no matter what it is that I am struggling with, I can turn on his sermon and he will inevitably be speaking about whatever it is I'm going through.
Tonight it struck me hard because his sermon was called "Sowing the Seed in your Time of Need". He was talking specifically about relationships and when other people hurt you. He recounted the story of a woman friend of his who repeatedly found herself giving and giving of herself only to continue to get hurt by the guys she dated. Hmmm... sound familiar? Does to me! Anyway, the things he said really made me feel better about the things that happened this weekend and gave me hope that someday I will find someone who really cares for me the way I care for them.
Good ol' Joel. Thanks buddy.
Tonight it struck me hard because his sermon was called "Sowing the Seed in your Time of Need". He was talking specifically about relationships and when other people hurt you. He recounted the story of a woman friend of his who repeatedly found herself giving and giving of herself only to continue to get hurt by the guys she dated. Hmmm... sound familiar? Does to me! Anyway, the things he said really made me feel better about the things that happened this weekend and gave me hope that someday I will find someone who really cares for me the way I care for them.
Good ol' Joel. Thanks buddy.
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