everything happens for a reason.

Candice sent me a GREAT quote this week, and it's got me thinking about something that I do all too much...

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength." --Corrie Ten Boom

I worry. I worry about my future, I worry about my job, I worry about whether or not I'm feeding my dog enough. Mostly I worry that I'm making the right decisions in my life from day to day. I'm just a worrier by nature, I guess. I told her this, and this is what she told me:

Cando: "Well stop it! :) Planning out of slight anxiety is one thing, worrying when nothing can be done (and knowing that worry has NEVER actually prevented anything) is just insanity."

She's right, I know that. I guess that's why she's going to be a psych doctor! In any case, I'm working on it... But I would like to hear everyone's thoughts! And how in the heck do you train yourself not to worry?? Am I supposed to just assume that I'm always doing the right thing and making the right choices just because I'm making them?

Hmmm...

too late for apologies.

I ask you kindly not to read this blog if you are not planning on reading the whole thing. Skimming through will not allow you to understand what's going on here, and will take everything out of context. AND I wrote this over the span of 2 days, so sequentially it may not make sense. The benefit was Sunday Feb. 17th.

Thanks!



Before I get started writing anything, I think that it should be said that I am aware of the fact that I am about to sound like a world class piece of shit, but I just can't help the way I feel. Nobody can.

First of all, those of you who may not know, I run the club. I know everything that goes on there, all the time, and EVERYTHING that happens there only happens because of the things I do on a day to day basis. If it's happening, it's because I let it happen, I orchestrated it, and I'm behind it. I'm the boss, I'm in charge, and I'm the top of the totem pole. Understand?

Ok, so I just came home from a charity event we were hosting at the club tonight. It was for a foundation that I am involved with that is very near and dear to my heart. (The One Step Closer Foundation- It benefits those with Cerebral Palsy and the like.) I have been involved with kids with Cerebral Palsy for over 10 years now, from therapy, to office work, to changing diapers and wiping snotty noses and drool. Anyway, this foundation was created by my friend Jacob and I am on his board of directors. We have been working together on various ideas for months now, trying to come up with some worthwhile events to raise some money, raise awareness, and get us prepared to host a big Charity Poker Tournament in Vegas within the next year or so. 

About 3 months ago, I offered to use the club for the first event. It seemed like a practical choice, being that my involvement in both the club and the charity would make it fairly easy to overlap the two. So we decided on a date, I called in some favors from a couple of comics, and we were on our way. We decided to do some catering, bring in a DJ, and have a little reception beforehand to thank everyone for coming. 

I got Jerry involved, and he was nice enough to do some serious promoting with his radio show with Outlaw Dave, online with Outlaw Nation, and all over myspace. (what a sweetie!) Of course, I had the Laff Stop website, the Laff Stop myspace and the Laff Stop emailer blasting this thing all over Houston as well... every little bit helps! The Chronicle got interested at some point, and got with Jacob & his family. They later came to the club & I spent about 4 hours talking with them, taking pictures with them, etc. etc.

After looking at several caterers, I found that we were not going to be able to do catering for under $1000. Well, since it's a charity event, seems kind of silly to pay $1000 for food, when the object is to RAISE money, not spend it. So I decided to do it myself. Jacob wanted to stay under $500, so I ordered the food from my food vendor, saving us over $600 and spent all day Sunday cooking everything MYSELF and getting ready for the event. 

A huge thanks definitely needs to go out to the owner of Buddha Lounge who donated a few bottles of Smirnoff Vodka for the reception, DJ Stacy Stylez who flew in from New York to bump some tunes, and Albert Im who came in from Austin to participate in the comedy portion of the benefit.


Now here comes the unfortunate part:

*So far we've established that this benefit was:
my idea, 
my venue, 
my comics, 
my staff, 
my ticket selling website, 
my email blasts, 
my fiancee doing radio promoting, 
I paid for the catering,
I did the catering, 
and I paid for my design guy to design the fliers
AND I had the fliers printed and distributed.

Continuing on:

The Chronicle story finally came out on Friday. There was only one sentence mentioning the Laff Stop & they failed to include my headliner in the promotions. Nothing from me, nothing from the club, no pictures, missing headshots, & pretty much no content on the benefit at all. In essence, these people wasted hours of my time for nothing. (And those of you who know me, know that I have VERY LITTLE time to spare these days.) Needless to say, I was pretty miffed. The story was pitched to me as a promo for the benefit, but not only did they not really promo the benefit after wasting all of my time, but what little they did promo, they didn't get right. 

Now, I know most of you don't know much about "the business" but rule of thumb: you don't promo your headliner, your headliner WILL pull the date, and therefore you have no more show! Luckily, the headliner was Jerry. Jerry's moral convictions, and the fact that his word is as good as gold kept him from totally bailing on the show. (And it probably doesn't hurt that he's my fiancee, and he would do it for me if I asked him to.) But anyone else would have pulled the date and this blog would stop right here.

The unfortunate part is that it does not stop here.

I decided on Sunday to swallow my pride, put on a smile, and just make the best of it. I spent all day running around getting ready for this thing, all afternoon cooking the food for the reception, and getting everything in line for the event. At the club, I'm handling the food and the waitresses, making sure everyone is well educated on the hours d'vours, and fielding questions for everyone and their dog in between. 

Finally, I have spoken to everyone, thanked everyone for coming, settled everyone in their places, and we're ready to start the show. I'm thinking I'll hang around and see how it goes, and enjoy finally being off my feet and finally not having to play point for an hour or so.

Mason goes on stage to emcee, and takes Jacob with him. They proceed to thank everyone and their dog for their participation and help. Everyone but me. Then he proceeds to tell everyone that this whole thing would not be possible without Jacob, that this was his brilliant idea, that he worked so hard on getting everything put together, and was 99.9% responsible for all facets of making this benefit a success. 

EXCUSE ME? WHAT??

I left. 

It was all I could do to not break down in tears right there in the showroom. I have busted my ass over the course of the last 3 months, I've called in all kinds of favors, put in over $6,000 worth of goods and services, and not only do I not even get a thank you, but Jacob gets to take credit for all my hard work? I was crushed. 

I just couldn't stay. 

And I don't believe I will be working with them or even speaking to them for quite some time.

P.S. I later found out that this was all a "school project" for Jacob. I hope all my hard work got him an "A".

obligatory ambition.

It's Saturday night and I'm at work. 
Am I supposed to be? No. 
Did anyone ask me to be? No. 

I have this really weird feeling of obligation to be here like ALL the time. I'm not sure if it's because I'm just ambitious and I really want to make sure that everything happening under my roof is in order, OR if it's because I feel like I HAVE to. Like I'm less of a person, less of a professional or less of a leader if I don't show up. 

After a night like last night I think "Well, I don't really need to be here, they're fine, and they can handle whatever comes up." Then I come into work tonight and no one is prepared. I feel like the mother hen barking out orders, making everyone get up on their toes because they sure weren't on them when I popped in.

Those are the things that worry me. Like, what if I finally get comfortable enough to the point where I can just stay home and enjoy my evening and everything goes awry? Then I guess it's my fault for not being here and making sure that all my little ducks are in a row.

Hmmm...

closure.

I had some really insightful thoughts about having closure in life, and thought I should write them down before I forget what I said:


I know there are plenty of people out there who don't believe in the whole concept of closure, like it's some hippie concept of alternative thinking or whatever. I, on the other hand, find that I need closure, I think it's an imperative part of growing as a person. 

If I don't have closure with a particular person or situation, I am undoubtedly going to have a difficult time moving past it and forward in my life. For me, gaining that closure is a mental obstacle that is conquered. Once I have closure, I can completely shut down the situation in my mind and move forward in my life. It/that person becomes a valuable part of my life and who I am today, but is no longer a weight in my mind or my heart.

Bad relationships are a great example of that. There are all these hurtful, damaging things that have happened in the past, and that's all I can remember about that time. I've found that making closure with that person or situation lets me let go of all the bad or hurtful things I may be harboring, and relish the time/person for the role they played in my life. It's much easier to look back on your life with no regrets and no animosity when you can put those things to rest.

Over the last several months I have had many opportunities to really gain some closure on some looming ghosts in my past, and I feel SO much better about starting the new year, and a new chapter in my life because of it!


(That explanation is nowhere near as eloquent as it was when I spit it out the first time in real converstaion, but I think you get the idea.)

update.

I just got a call from MD Anderson to let me know that I don't have breast cancer!! Yay!!

They do however, want me to come in again for a different kind of biopsy, because they are trying to determine if they need to remove the tumor, so I'm still kinda waiting around on that part.

But I definitely feel good about taking the lesser of two evils. I'd rather them cut off part of my boob than to have to battle cancer. So... WHEW! I'm definitely relieved about that!!

tough day.

Today I had to do something that I never thought I would have to do. I visited MD Anderson Cancer Center as a patient...


On November 22nd I found a lump (yes, THAT kind of lump) in my chest. It's a wonder I could find it at all... ba dum ch. Sorry, I make lame jokes to help me feel better when I'm stressed.

Anyway, I went to see my regular Dr. and he didn't seem alarmed so I went about my business. After my new insurance kicked in in December I made an appointment for Jan. 2nd to have it checked out by the "pros" at MDA...

Three different doctors gave me an ultrasound, I had 2 different mammograms, and they took 5 or 6 biopsy samples of the site for testing. 5 hours worth of doctors and stuff, and then I got to go to work. 

It was a really surreal experience, and I think that I was so stunned by the whole thing, that I wasn't really absorbing what was happening while I was there. I was really disappointed that I was alone. Of course, I had no idea it was going to be such a huge thing, or I would have taken Jerry with me for moral support. I thought it was going to be a quick in and out visit. It's a pretty bad feeling to be alone in that situation trying to wrap your head around something like that all by yourself. 

Long story short: I have a tumor. Is it cancer? I don't know... and I won't know for a few days. Will they have to remove it? Don't know that either yet...

BUT, I will keep you guys posted. :)

bells!!

Yes, that's right!! Jerry and I are engaged!! 

He proposed Christmas Eve when we were alone at the house having "our" Christmas. I bawled like a little baby (and of course said yes!) and now to the hard part: planning!!

We're planning on sometime in September, but I haven't gotten any farther than that... Let me just tell you how stir crazy I was on Christmas day with everything closed!! All I wanted to do was go out and buy a huge stack of Wedding magazines and pour over them!

But... the very best part is that I get to marry my best friend AND my lover all at once. I couldn't be happier! What a wonderful Christmas... and now we have many many happy years to look forward to!!

YAY!!