Upon the advice of a fellow writer, I am taking my first plunge into free form, stream-of-conscious writing. I've been feeling a little blocked lately, as some would speculate, due to all the happiness in my life. I've never been happy like this before, so I don't really know how to handle it, and as a sad consequence of all this blissful living, my writing has gone to crap.
I think part of it is the gruesome 8 hours I spend at my job every day being unmotivated and unstimulated. I've had to sneak in some blog time during work just to keep myself from going insane. When I imagine writing, I think about sitting in my bright, sunshiny living room with my feet propped up and laptop in, well...lap, and just writing away undisturbed. Rarely does it happen that way. Scratch rarely, it never happens. Instead, I try to write during the day at work, but find myself being interrupted constantly, and losing my train of thought entirely. Maybe I should be more disciplined.
And here I am distracted again. I just spent about 30 minutes looking for background images for my Twitter page. Stupid.
Friday, March 27, 2009
writing.
I've decided I'm going to jump right into some intensive writing. I need to get back on track, and I have been really bad about putting it off for other things. No more excuses. I'm writing every day for a month, and let's just see what happens.
Could be fun.
Could be fun.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
motivation.
Motivation is like sex drive (well, at least from a female perspective.) It kind of comes and goes. And when it's there, it's like the only thing you can think about, and you're totally dedicated to every facet of the process. When it goes, you can't remember what you were all worked up about before anyway.
I've been feeling that way about my job lately. It's been so difficult to stay motivated, because everything around here is so unorganized.
When I was hired, I took a few weeks to really learn the business and dive in head first. After that, I was bored. I was tripling the previous sales margins, and signing huge clients left and right. Great, huh? BORING! I had been piddling with minor projects here and there, database organization, a system for inventory tracking, more marketing projects... but it still wasn't enough.
After only 3 months of working here, I pitched an idea for a new division of the company to my boss. Turns out, she loved it and was looking to do something along those lines in the future anyway. How thrilled she was with me and my ideas and my executions! Yay! Finally something interesting to do. Long story short... things are up and running, duties have been delegated and I'm bored again.
Sigh.
I don't know what it is that I need to stay motivated, but this is not cutting it. I feel like I'm wasting my time and commuting an hour each way to do so. What's worse is that the pay is not even that great. Not good enough to stay very long, but not so bad that I would leave hastily. I'm stuck in mediocre HELL. Help!
I've been feeling that way about my job lately. It's been so difficult to stay motivated, because everything around here is so unorganized.
When I was hired, I took a few weeks to really learn the business and dive in head first. After that, I was bored. I was tripling the previous sales margins, and signing huge clients left and right. Great, huh? BORING! I had been piddling with minor projects here and there, database organization, a system for inventory tracking, more marketing projects... but it still wasn't enough.
After only 3 months of working here, I pitched an idea for a new division of the company to my boss. Turns out, she loved it and was looking to do something along those lines in the future anyway. How thrilled she was with me and my ideas and my executions! Yay! Finally something interesting to do. Long story short... things are up and running, duties have been delegated and I'm bored again.
Sigh.
I don't know what it is that I need to stay motivated, but this is not cutting it. I feel like I'm wasting my time and commuting an hour each way to do so. What's worse is that the pay is not even that great. Not good enough to stay very long, but not so bad that I would leave hastily. I'm stuck in mediocre HELL. Help!
Monday, January 26, 2009
25 things.
Import from a Facebook post:
You are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
1. I hate NASCAR, like, violently.
2. I'm only 27, but I feel like I'm 35.
3. Sometimes people think I'm 35.
4. I've gotten mean over the years.
5. So much so that I've actually made a comment about birth control to a woman who's kid was screaming in a restaurant.
6. That scares me because I used to be so nice. :)
7. I have a tumor in my right breast.
8. That scares me too.
9. My very first crush was Patrick Swayze... I may have been 4.
10. I do not like feet, and I really do not like them touching me.
11. I recently had to explain the concept of "tossing salad" to my boss. It was pretty damn embarrassing.
12. I love clothes shopping.
13. I can go months without ever having to do laundry.
14. I sing in the car, and I pretend that I'm REALLY good at it.
15. I love my little dog as much as I imagine loving a real baby. She just too darn cute and unbelievably smart.
16. I am a total slob. I would never clean house if I didn't have to. Thank God Jerry likes doing dishes!
17. When marijuana becomes legal, I will become a farmer's wife.
18. I have the strangest recurring nightmare about missing the school bus and running and running... What's even more strange is this is all taking place at Alamo Jr. High.
19. After hearing horror stories from other friends, I feel so blessed that I love my family-in-law so much. One of the highlights of my week is meeting them for dinner on Monday nights.
20. I am a surprisingly bad ass Rockband drummer!!!
21. My favorite movie to watch over and over is Legally Blonde.
22. I freaking love Celine Dion, but do not listen to her music when anyone else is around.
23. I believe I was a hippie in my past life.
24. I never thought twice about being pro-choice until I saw the Body Worlds 2 exhibit.
25. I'm kinda sad this is over because suddenly I have alot more I want to say... LOL
You are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
1. I hate NASCAR, like, violently.
2. I'm only 27, but I feel like I'm 35.
3. Sometimes people think I'm 35.
4. I've gotten mean over the years.
5. So much so that I've actually made a comment about birth control to a woman who's kid was screaming in a restaurant.
6. That scares me because I used to be so nice. :)
7. I have a tumor in my right breast.
8. That scares me too.
9. My very first crush was Patrick Swayze... I may have been 4.
10. I do not like feet, and I really do not like them touching me.
11. I recently had to explain the concept of "tossing salad" to my boss. It was pretty damn embarrassing.
12. I love clothes shopping.
13. I can go months without ever having to do laundry.
14. I sing in the car, and I pretend that I'm REALLY good at it.
15. I love my little dog as much as I imagine loving a real baby. She just too darn cute and unbelievably smart.
16. I am a total slob. I would never clean house if I didn't have to. Thank God Jerry likes doing dishes!
17. When marijuana becomes legal, I will become a farmer's wife.
18. I have the strangest recurring nightmare about missing the school bus and running and running... What's even more strange is this is all taking place at Alamo Jr. High.
19. After hearing horror stories from other friends, I feel so blessed that I love my family-in-law so much. One of the highlights of my week is meeting them for dinner on Monday nights.
20. I am a surprisingly bad ass Rockband drummer!!!
21. My favorite movie to watch over and over is Legally Blonde.
22. I freaking love Celine Dion, but do not listen to her music when anyone else is around.
23. I believe I was a hippie in my past life.
24. I never thought twice about being pro-choice until I saw the Body Worlds 2 exhibit.
25. I'm kinda sad this is over because suddenly I have alot more I want to say... LOL
vegas marketing tactics.
This little jewel came in the mail for Jerry and I today. It says: "When I do becomes I don't... we can help." There's a picture of a wedding cake with some broken bride and groom dolls on top. LOL It's basically a flier for getting a divorce. www.nevadadivorce.com. Oh yeah, and there's a coupon on the back to get a discount when filing a divorce or annulment.
What is going on here?!? All I can think is that since people like Britney Spears get married on Vegas and change their minds the next day, they must have a pretty nice business working there. I'm just imagining the employee of this company that gets sent to the marriage license office every Monday morning to pick up the list of newly issued marriage licenses. I can think of no other reason to send this kind of things to newlyweds. But it is quite hilarious, LMAO!!
At least they gave us 5 months to think about it first...
What is going on here?!? All I can think is that since people like Britney Spears get married on Vegas and change their minds the next day, they must have a pretty nice business working there. I'm just imagining the employee of this company that gets sent to the marriage license office every Monday morning to pick up the list of newly issued marriage licenses. I can think of no other reason to send this kind of things to newlyweds. But it is quite hilarious, LMAO!!
At least they gave us 5 months to think about it first...
Sunday, December 14, 2008
sober.
Pink's new song... bears a striking resemblance to another time in my life.
I don't wanna be girl who laughs the loudest,
or the girl who never wants to be alone.
I don't wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning
because I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home.
Ahh, the sun in blinding,
I stayed up again.
Oh, I am finding
that's not the way I want my story to end
I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection.
So how do I feel this good sober?
I don't want to be the girl who has to fill the silence,
the quiet scares me because it screams the truth.
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation,
I won't remember, save your breath 'cause what's the use?
Ahh, night is calling...
it whispers to me softly "Come and play"
I am falling,
and if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame.
I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection.
So how do I feel this good sober?
Coming down coming down coming down,
spinning round spinning round spinning round,
looking for myself sober...
Coming down coming down coming down
spinning round spinning round spinning round
looking for myself sober...
When it's good
then it's good
it's SO good,
till it goes bad.
Till you try to find the you that you once had.
I've heard myself cry.
Never again.
Broken down in agony,
just trying to find a friend.
I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection.
But how do I feel this good sober?
I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection.
But how do I feel this good sober?
--"Sober", Pink
I don't wanna be girl who laughs the loudest,
or the girl who never wants to be alone.
I don't wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning
because I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home.
Ahh, the sun in blinding,
I stayed up again.
Oh, I am finding
that's not the way I want my story to end
I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection.
So how do I feel this good sober?
I don't want to be the girl who has to fill the silence,
the quiet scares me because it screams the truth.
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation,
I won't remember, save your breath 'cause what's the use?
Ahh, night is calling...
it whispers to me softly "Come and play"
I am falling,
and if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame.
I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection.
So how do I feel this good sober?
Coming down coming down coming down,
spinning round spinning round spinning round,
looking for myself sober...
Coming down coming down coming down
spinning round spinning round spinning round
looking for myself sober...
When it's good
then it's good
it's SO good,
till it goes bad.
Till you try to find the you that you once had.
I've heard myself cry.
Never again.
Broken down in agony,
just trying to find a friend.
I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection.
But how do I feel this good sober?
I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection.
But how do I feel this good sober?
--"Sober", Pink
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
rainy days.
I love rainy days. I love the sound, I love the smell, I love the way they make me introspective. There's just something so soothing about the random splatter of raindrops outside, and being safe indoors. It's like nature's beautiful music, only with no lyrics to distract you. Music is such a wonderful writing instrument, but it's words and melodies can sometimes lead you in a direction you were not planning on taking. With the rain, my mind is clear and unobstructed so that I can climb inside and dig around after what's really going on in there.
Today I'm thinking about memories. Obviously, we have memories to help us remember things in our lives. Things so simple as our neighbor's names, and other things sometimes as complicated as preparing our tax returns. Most of us remember our first kiss, our first car, and our wedding day. Some people remember childhood friends and adventures, and others can't remember where they put their keys. No matter the significance, the gravity, or the timelines of our memories, they are the things that help to shape us into who we become as a person. Without memories, we would never change, we would never grow, and we would never adapt to our situations or our surroundings.
However, I find myself wondering why on earth we find ourselves clinging to certain ones? Is it voluntary, or much in the same way as love, do our memories choose us?
The high school football star, you know the one. The guy who constantly reminds everyone around him how he was the big shot in high school. How he caught the winning pass in the last seconds of the championship game, bringing honor and notoriety to his team. This guy is usually in his 40's. Why is he still clinging to this memory? Is it because nothing he's ever done in his life since then has been of any value, or is it purely because he can't help it?
What about those forlorn hearts, wondering about "the one that got away?" Those men and women dreaming of what might have been, fabricating futures and families and entire lives based solely on the memory of a lost love. Their happiness is jeopardized, their souls are tortured, and any new relationships are undermined before they even begin. Do these people have regrets? Do they have nothing better to do? Or are these memories bombarding their minds against their will?
Though it seems to be a perpetual problem amongst all walks of life, I find it difficult to accept that people choose to dwell on the kinds of memories that are causing them pain. Is there some undeniable substance to those memories that refuse to allow a person to let go?
Our mind has been proven time and time again to be the most advanced thing known to man. Sometimes I wonder if there are checks and balances in place within our brains that we are totally unaware of. Maybe some sort of filters and databases so intricately orchestrated, in place and designed to create an individual experience in life that is completely unique to each person.
We may never truly know why we have the memories we have, but it seems that we should at least try to enjoy the ones we have, and make an effort to cultivate new ones every single day. Otherwise, we'll be forever transfixed in the past.
Today I'm thinking about memories. Obviously, we have memories to help us remember things in our lives. Things so simple as our neighbor's names, and other things sometimes as complicated as preparing our tax returns. Most of us remember our first kiss, our first car, and our wedding day. Some people remember childhood friends and adventures, and others can't remember where they put their keys. No matter the significance, the gravity, or the timelines of our memories, they are the things that help to shape us into who we become as a person. Without memories, we would never change, we would never grow, and we would never adapt to our situations or our surroundings.
However, I find myself wondering why on earth we find ourselves clinging to certain ones? Is it voluntary, or much in the same way as love, do our memories choose us?
The high school football star, you know the one. The guy who constantly reminds everyone around him how he was the big shot in high school. How he caught the winning pass in the last seconds of the championship game, bringing honor and notoriety to his team. This guy is usually in his 40's. Why is he still clinging to this memory? Is it because nothing he's ever done in his life since then has been of any value, or is it purely because he can't help it?
What about those forlorn hearts, wondering about "the one that got away?" Those men and women dreaming of what might have been, fabricating futures and families and entire lives based solely on the memory of a lost love. Their happiness is jeopardized, their souls are tortured, and any new relationships are undermined before they even begin. Do these people have regrets? Do they have nothing better to do? Or are these memories bombarding their minds against their will?
Though it seems to be a perpetual problem amongst all walks of life, I find it difficult to accept that people choose to dwell on the kinds of memories that are causing them pain. Is there some undeniable substance to those memories that refuse to allow a person to let go?
Our mind has been proven time and time again to be the most advanced thing known to man. Sometimes I wonder if there are checks and balances in place within our brains that we are totally unaware of. Maybe some sort of filters and databases so intricately orchestrated, in place and designed to create an individual experience in life that is completely unique to each person.
We may never truly know why we have the memories we have, but it seems that we should at least try to enjoy the ones we have, and make an effort to cultivate new ones every single day. Otherwise, we'll be forever transfixed in the past.
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