Monday's are always tough for me. I think it's partly because I never want to go to work, but it's also partly because the hubby doesn't work on Mondays, and it's hard to want to go anywhere when I know he's at home already. :) It's not that I don't like my job... I do. I just don't like the constraints of the "9 to 5-er" life, and the hour commute each morning and evening. I just don't think I was "built" for it, plus before I took this job I had quite a bit of freedom in my previous position to come and go as I please, run my pertinent errands during the day, and take time off as needed. I should have appreciated it more at the time.
But I guess I'm paying my dues now, so I need to suck it up.
The economy has really done a good job at knocking some of us down a peg. It was just about this time last summer that I lost my previous job. Not that I would have wanted to stay on much longer, but it would have been nice to have some warning. Or at least some time to plan. Instead, I went unemployed for 2 of the 3 months right before my wedding, and took the first job that popped up. I went from making nearly 6 figures, back down to making what I made at my first post-college job. It was definitely an ego check. But I am certainly thankful that I have a job at all.
I really shouldn't complain. My husband's business is doing VERY well considering what's going on with the economy, we just moved into a new house, I just bought a new car, we have a wonderful marriage, and we're thinking about babies. I just don't feel quite as useful anymore.
Normally, I would feel okay about things if I could be "Suzy Homemaker" on my off time, but even that hasn't worked out the way I would hope. By the time I get home from work around 7, there's just not much time to clean, do laundry, dishes, and dinner. So not only am I no longer bringing in the nice chunk of dough that I used to, but now I can hardly keep up with my own housework too. Don't get me wrong... my hubby helps out all the time. Plus he also does all the yard work, honey do's, and car maintenance. But he shouldn't have to... I'm plenty capable, and definitely organized, so there's no reason why I can't handle this. I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels.
It's just Monday. And I definitely feel it.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
inspired thoughts.
"People have this misconception of happy people, that we have no problems, never feel pain. But in reality I think truly happy people are those that have experienced the worst and have come out scarred but in one piece on the other side." -Scarlethue, A Beautiful Truth blog.
I have recently been struggling with my transition from "dark and twisty, angst ridden writer" to "happy, content, healthy relationship, married writer." It's tough sometimes.
Today, I was introduced to the blog referenced above by way of a comment that came by way of another blog that came by way of a forum. Crazy. It gave me some inspiration, though as we seem to be following some of the same paths. Isn't is funny how this little blog world works? You start out alone, venting your thoughts, clearing your head, even sometimes searching for a voice so that your insides aren't screaming all the time. One by one, peoples lives begin to intersect. You pick up a blog that sounds interesting, that picks up another blog, etc. Suddenly your following has doubled, and there are people reaching out (or reaching in rather) and connecting their lives to yours. It's pretty amazing.
Regardless of the content, there is always some common thread connecting us all. Another blog that I follow, "Life in the Second Half", has explored some of those same ideas, (AND she also has a great blog today about happiness, which is where I'm heading with this.) While some blogs follow the lives of their children, others are empty nesters, single people, animal lovers, activists, and the list goes on. And yet, we all share something with each other. I love reading these blogs and comparing lives and ideas to my own. Since I seem to have embarked on quite a search for truth and answers lately, it goes without saying that I am actively exploring. But, that's another blog entirely.
My original point in writing today was to explore this thing we call happy. Happiness is something different to every person. It's not intrinsic, it's not something you can create, it's not something you earn, and regardless of what the books and the "Oprah's" say, you can't will it upon yourself. It just happens.
Like any emotion, happiness has varying degrees and is experienced in vastly different ways by different people. The reason I really liked Scarlethue's quote is that it helped me to realize that my happiness is so much more rewarding to me because of the sharp contrast it has with some of the previous parts of my life. I've lived through bad. I've lived through sad, and hurt, and loneliness that I thought I would never surface from. I have always lived inside myself, but since my husband came along, I have finally been brave enough to let the real me out. He's the only person who knows that "me." Since he and I have been together, I have slowly been able to piece myself back together, and embrace the person I had always hoped to be.
Unfortunately, because we do have pasts, sometimes that past haunts us. There will always be remnants of memories, dreams, nightmares, and what have you that we will never escape. Little notes found buried in a box, songs that trigger a long forgotten emotional response. It happens all the time, usually without warning. There was a time when I tried to suppress these things, to make them go away. It made me feel guilty to think of the things in my past. However, I have come to regard these memories not as things to cling to, but as reminders of why I'm so happy now. They're little earmarks on the pages of my life to help me remember the paths that I took to get here. Would I be the same person without these people and things in my past? Absolutely not. So I will take my tragedy, my heartbreak, and the suffering from life's beat-downs, and move forward. I will mend the scars, heal old wounds, and piece by piece I'll be able to let go of the things that haunt me. I will be the same person, but wiser - more conditioned. The memories will diminish, and I will relish the happiness I've been blessed with; not dwell on the past, but build my future right on top of it...
And I may just end up as the happiest person ever.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
fleetwood mac.
Fleetwood Mac, May 2, 2009, Houston, TX
John McVie, Stevie Nix, Mick Fleetwood
Mick Fleetwood... Old as the hills and still tearing those drums up!
I am beside myself today. What an amazing concert!!
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Lindsey Buckingham embracing the rock star that he is. He was so awesome...
Monday, April 27, 2009
a separate self.
I am really proud of my last blog. For the first time in a long time, I felt INSPIRED! Inspired to write, inspired to learn, inspired to share it all with you. L.O.L says that I "am starting the journey" and I am ecstatic. There is a level of charged curiosity, and eager anticipation that I have not felt on an intellectual level in quite some time. While it truly is a journey, and a completely individualized search, I feel that both as an unconventionally spiritual person, and as an educated human being, I must find a way to merge the ideals that I believe in with the knowledge I have not yet tapped into.
As I was frequenting one of my favorite sites this morning, I came across the following question being posed:
That is an excellent place to start.
One of the greatest developments in modern science was discovering the placement of the Earth. We are not only one, we are part of a larger solar system that is part of a larger galaxy that is part of a larger universe. Every piece is part of something larger. Each piece, while sometimes independent in itself, cannot truly BE independent of all things. All things are part of a greater whole. This acknowledgment is as staggering regardless of whether you view the whole as society, as a chemically verifiable collection of substance, or as part of a spiritual master plan. While we do not know the extent of this whole, it is a feat in itself just to acknowledge that we are part of something bigger.
We are not special. Some may fear the emotional/mental consequences of realizing that we are not special, for in reality, we have all been told and taught our entire lives that we are unique, special, individuals, and utterly one of a kind. In theory, this is true, but in reality, it is not. We are all made from the same basic compounds, and arranged in the same basic way. While we all lead different lives, we all live and die. Even as an embryonic cluster of cells, we are alive, and we grow into something, just as the seed grows into the flower. Therefore, fundamentally we are not special; however, we are not alone as we are always a part of the whole.
Eckhart Tolle, a modern philosopher, spiritualist, and author says that the truth (which is in essence what science and religion are both after,) is that we are all one consciousness. To awaken from the illusion of identity, of separateness as an individual, of "me", is simply to become aware that we are not our own story, but the awareness of that story, and that this awareness is the same in all of us.
We ARE that awareness.
We ARE that consciousness.
Tolle claims that Jesus' statement, "I am the way, the truth, and the life" was not a statement that Jesus, the bearded, robe wearing, individual was the way, but that the awareness of our true selves, of what "I am" really means is the way. That awareness you experience, that consciousness, is God - and what comes of that awareness is heaven, is peace, is love. If I understand that properly, it is to say that God, Jesus, Buddha, and other deities of religion are merely fabricated as a person, or an individual to follow. The teachings, the ideas, and the concepts of spirituality (whatever your choice may be) are what truly congeal to form what we perceive as "spirituality." The conciousness of ourselves and our origins collectively couple with the ideas of spirituality to give us fulfillment in life, in spirituality and in God. While all the concepts are generally the same, they are all looking towards the same greater good, and the same awakening.
In essence, "the way" is to be pursuant in your questions of the universe as well as the neverending quest for enlightenment.
As I was frequenting one of my favorite sites this morning, I came across the following question being posed:
"How can Science help us understand the Divine?"
with a quote by Stephen Hawking:
""If we find the answer to [why it is that we and the universe exist], it would be the ultimate triumph of human reason—for then we would know the mind of God."
with a quote by Stephen Hawking:
""If we find the answer to [why it is that we and the universe exist], it would be the ultimate triumph of human reason—for then we would know the mind of God."
That is an excellent place to start.
One of the greatest developments in modern science was discovering the placement of the Earth. We are not only one, we are part of a larger solar system that is part of a larger galaxy that is part of a larger universe. Every piece is part of something larger. Each piece, while sometimes independent in itself, cannot truly BE independent of all things. All things are part of a greater whole. This acknowledgment is as staggering regardless of whether you view the whole as society, as a chemically verifiable collection of substance, or as part of a spiritual master plan. While we do not know the extent of this whole, it is a feat in itself just to acknowledge that we are part of something bigger.
We are not special. Some may fear the emotional/mental consequences of realizing that we are not special, for in reality, we have all been told and taught our entire lives that we are unique, special, individuals, and utterly one of a kind. In theory, this is true, but in reality, it is not. We are all made from the same basic compounds, and arranged in the same basic way. While we all lead different lives, we all live and die. Even as an embryonic cluster of cells, we are alive, and we grow into something, just as the seed grows into the flower. Therefore, fundamentally we are not special; however, we are not alone as we are always a part of the whole.
Eckhart Tolle, a modern philosopher, spiritualist, and author says that the truth (which is in essence what science and religion are both after,) is that we are all one consciousness. To awaken from the illusion of identity, of separateness as an individual, of "me", is simply to become aware that we are not our own story, but the awareness of that story, and that this awareness is the same in all of us.
We ARE that awareness.
We ARE that consciousness.
Tolle claims that Jesus' statement, "I am the way, the truth, and the life" was not a statement that Jesus, the bearded, robe wearing, individual was the way, but that the awareness of our true selves, of what "I am" really means is the way. That awareness you experience, that consciousness, is God - and what comes of that awareness is heaven, is peace, is love. If I understand that properly, it is to say that God, Jesus, Buddha, and other deities of religion are merely fabricated as a person, or an individual to follow. The teachings, the ideas, and the concepts of spirituality (whatever your choice may be) are what truly congeal to form what we perceive as "spirituality." The conciousness of ourselves and our origins collectively couple with the ideas of spirituality to give us fulfillment in life, in spirituality and in God. While all the concepts are generally the same, they are all looking towards the same greater good, and the same awakening.
In essence, "the way" is to be pursuant in your questions of the universe as well as the neverending quest for enlightenment.
Friday, April 24, 2009
#100. i am a molecule.
I am a molecule.
A little piece of the largest puzzle imaginable.
There are things going on around me, inside me, because of me, and without me constantly.
There are things I will never see, things I will never do, places I will never go.
There are people I will never meet, and lives I will never interweave with.
I sustain only my own tiny existence in this world, not even an entire dot on a map.
I feel very very small.
What is the purpose? Why are we here? What does it all mean?
People have pondered these questions for eons, with little, but usually no resolve whatsoever. My mind is boggled when I consider the magnitude of the world we live in. It becomes even more inconceivable to consider the universe... and whatever lies beyond. Even in my own backyard, there are zillions of lives existing day-to-day that I am never aware of.
There are creatures in the darkest depths of the ocean living in undiscovered crevices near the belly of the earth that NO ONE has ever seen. There are plants in the heart of the most remote rain forests that are being discovered only now - after millions of years. Every day, there are naturally occurring physical phenomenon taking place in the vast expanse of space. Phenomenon so beautiful and magnificent that one can hardly conceive that this is not the result of an artist brushing strokes across a starry canvas. Planets, solar systems, and stars are born in luminous glory as a mother's new baby is born in the florescent glow of a hospital room. There are people on this planet that have never seen a TV, or an iPhone, or a toaster, or a person of another race or culture - people living in unspoiled, undeveloped society completely untouched by politics, war, money, and religion.
Does that astound anyone else?
Why is that? Why are we all put on this planet to lead vastly different lives, sometimes violently separate from each other? We grow and learn and develop, only to reach the end and never experience everything there is to experience... and then we die. Some say that we are here to help each other, to love each other, and to make the world a better place. But I say, how do the bottom feeding creatures dwelling in the unimaginable darkness of the ocean benefit from me showing some brotherly love to my neighbor? There has to be a larger picture that we do not see here.
What is it? How do we find it? Will we ever know??
Until we do (or until I die... whichever comes first), I will continue being a floating collection of molecules in space, a fraction of a tick on the face of time's clock, and seek enlightenment in the unanswered questions.
A little piece of the largest puzzle imaginable.
There are things going on around me, inside me, because of me, and without me constantly.
There are things I will never see, things I will never do, places I will never go.
There are people I will never meet, and lives I will never interweave with.
I sustain only my own tiny existence in this world, not even an entire dot on a map.
I feel very very small.
What is the purpose? Why are we here? What does it all mean?
People have pondered these questions for eons, with little, but usually no resolve whatsoever. My mind is boggled when I consider the magnitude of the world we live in. It becomes even more inconceivable to consider the universe... and whatever lies beyond. Even in my own backyard, there are zillions of lives existing day-to-day that I am never aware of.
There are creatures in the darkest depths of the ocean living in undiscovered crevices near the belly of the earth that NO ONE has ever seen. There are plants in the heart of the most remote rain forests that are being discovered only now - after millions of years. Every day, there are naturally occurring physical phenomenon taking place in the vast expanse of space. Phenomenon so beautiful and magnificent that one can hardly conceive that this is not the result of an artist brushing strokes across a starry canvas. Planets, solar systems, and stars are born in luminous glory as a mother's new baby is born in the florescent glow of a hospital room. There are people on this planet that have never seen a TV, or an iPhone, or a toaster, or a person of another race or culture - people living in unspoiled, undeveloped society completely untouched by politics, war, money, and religion.
Does that astound anyone else?
Why is that? Why are we all put on this planet to lead vastly different lives, sometimes violently separate from each other? We grow and learn and develop, only to reach the end and never experience everything there is to experience... and then we die. Some say that we are here to help each other, to love each other, and to make the world a better place. But I say, how do the bottom feeding creatures dwelling in the unimaginable darkness of the ocean benefit from me showing some brotherly love to my neighbor? There has to be a larger picture that we do not see here.
What is it? How do we find it? Will we ever know??
Until we do (or until I die... whichever comes first), I will continue being a floating collection of molecules in space, a fraction of a tick on the face of time's clock, and seek enlightenment in the unanswered questions.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
floundering in blog land.
I am thinking hard about what my next blog will be about. Not this blog you're reading right now, but the NEXT one. Why such a strange approach? The next blog I publish will be number 100. 100! I can hardly believe it. I've been writing forever, but I remember when I first discovered the world of blogging. It was 2002, and I was in my senior year at Texas Tech. Back then, it was really just a place I could go to post and preserve some of my better work. Unfortunately, it did not preserve very well, as blogger.com did an overhaul and I haven't been able to access my blog since. It's here, and I can still see it... but it's detached from this blog like another life... http://brainswirl.blogspot.com/
In any case, that time in my life was a very different one. I was 21, and knee deep in creative writing classes, poetry classes, and research projects. I lived in a house with my best friend, and we spent our evenings and down time out in our sun room on our computers. It was great. Oh, to be a student again. I don't believe I had a boyfriend at the time... though they came and went from time to time. I do know that I was restlessly pining away for the one I thought was "meant to be." I did quite a bit of writing about him back then. My professors loved it- you know how it is, the most heartfelt writing comes from strong emotion, and I was heartbroken and lost. I was sure we would've gotten married had I stayed there. I am glad I did not.
I was also 21, so I was really just sinking my teeth into the bar scene. I was meeting all kinds of people from all over the place and having the time of my life. Unfortunately at that point, I had no idea what I was going to do with that life post-graduation. I don't think I could have ever dreamed I would end up where I am today, and who I am today. After graduation, the blogging took a hiatus for awhile until I moved to Houston and myspace came along.
It's been a long journey, and I love to read the old posts to see the person who was writing them. Sometimes she was lonely, sometimes she was hopeful, and sometimes she was buried in a dark and twisted cocoon of self doubt. She was me, she IS me, just in a different form. It's strange to think of all the things that have happened since February of 2002 when I wrote my first blog.
Number 100 signifies merely a stopping point in that journey, and I want to make it notable, enjoyable, and significant in it's own right. I must come up with something that will properly signify the occasion.
Maybe it should have been this one. ;)
In any case, that time in my life was a very different one. I was 21, and knee deep in creative writing classes, poetry classes, and research projects. I lived in a house with my best friend, and we spent our evenings and down time out in our sun room on our computers. It was great. Oh, to be a student again. I don't believe I had a boyfriend at the time... though they came and went from time to time. I do know that I was restlessly pining away for the one I thought was "meant to be." I did quite a bit of writing about him back then. My professors loved it- you know how it is, the most heartfelt writing comes from strong emotion, and I was heartbroken and lost. I was sure we would've gotten married had I stayed there. I am glad I did not.
I was also 21, so I was really just sinking my teeth into the bar scene. I was meeting all kinds of people from all over the place and having the time of my life. Unfortunately at that point, I had no idea what I was going to do with that life post-graduation. I don't think I could have ever dreamed I would end up where I am today, and who I am today. After graduation, the blogging took a hiatus for awhile until I moved to Houston and myspace came along.
It's been a long journey, and I love to read the old posts to see the person who was writing them. Sometimes she was lonely, sometimes she was hopeful, and sometimes she was buried in a dark and twisted cocoon of self doubt. She was me, she IS me, just in a different form. It's strange to think of all the things that have happened since February of 2002 when I wrote my first blog.
Number 100 signifies merely a stopping point in that journey, and I want to make it notable, enjoyable, and significant in it's own right. I must come up with something that will properly signify the occasion.
Maybe it should have been this one. ;)
Monday, April 20, 2009
reflection.
I subscribe to a blog by a woman I do not know. I read everything she posts, because it is always thought provoking, insightful, and true to life. I don't even know her name, nor have we ever spoken or met, but here's her blog: Life in the Second Half. I would like to share that with you, because I enjoy it so much.
In her blog this morning, she raised a very interesting point of view in regards to our lives in the current state of the country. While so many of us are preoccupied with our financial burdens, possible job losses, and various other unfortunate situations, should we perhaps redirect that energy towards something more positive?
Take this opportunity to start that business you've been wanting to launch. Cut back on expenses and enjoy the time you have at home with your kids now. Don't worry about going out to fancy dinners and expensive golf trips - pick up that hobby you've let go by the wayside, or start a new home project you've been putting off for a rainy day. No matter what it is, what I'm trying to say is:
It's raining, baby! Now is the time!
My husband, the go-getter he is these days, is at the tax office as we speak registering his new business. I am so happy and proud of him, he's really been working hard on it, and it is turning out to be an excellent decision!
I've been pondering some of these same scenarios myself recently. Mostly because of the recent misfortune that my car has bestowed upon me. While I am very aware of how lucky I am to have a good job in this economic climate, it's difficult to be as appreciative as I should be when I am terrified on a daily basis of getting stranded on the side of the highway during my hour commute. Sure, I could buy a new car... if my credit score was better. Or if the banks were lending. Or if we had ANY savings leftover after last year's job losses/wedding/hurricane/move. Overall, it kind of puts me in a tight spot.
Maybe this is all a blessing in disguise. Maybe all the car troubles are a gentle way of pushing me into resignation. After all, Jerry's got some really great things happening for him right now, and it just might be the opportunity I was looking for to devote myself full-time to my web business. I need a push, but I don't know if I'm ready to make that leap. I also don't want to put Jerry under any unnecessary financial stress just because of some hair-brained idea of mine. I am secretly hoping that if I did feel the need to step out, that my company would want me to work free-lance from home. After all, I was the one who started this division of the company, and I'm the one who has everything laced up here. If that WERE the case, I would do it today. Unfortunately, it's the not knowing that always kills me.
I am however finding much easier these days to be happy with where I am, who I am, and what I have. I attribute most of that to my wonderful husband, wonderful marriage, and wonderful new house. It seems to be so much easier to be content with life when everything around you is so effortless. So I guess for now, we'll just have to see where things go, and seize the opportunities when they come my way!
In her blog this morning, she raised a very interesting point of view in regards to our lives in the current state of the country. While so many of us are preoccupied with our financial burdens, possible job losses, and various other unfortunate situations, should we perhaps redirect that energy towards something more positive?
Take this opportunity to start that business you've been wanting to launch. Cut back on expenses and enjoy the time you have at home with your kids now. Don't worry about going out to fancy dinners and expensive golf trips - pick up that hobby you've let go by the wayside, or start a new home project you've been putting off for a rainy day. No matter what it is, what I'm trying to say is:
It's raining, baby! Now is the time!
My husband, the go-getter he is these days, is at the tax office as we speak registering his new business. I am so happy and proud of him, he's really been working hard on it, and it is turning out to be an excellent decision!
I've been pondering some of these same scenarios myself recently. Mostly because of the recent misfortune that my car has bestowed upon me. While I am very aware of how lucky I am to have a good job in this economic climate, it's difficult to be as appreciative as I should be when I am terrified on a daily basis of getting stranded on the side of the highway during my hour commute. Sure, I could buy a new car... if my credit score was better. Or if the banks were lending. Or if we had ANY savings leftover after last year's job losses/wedding/hurricane/move. Overall, it kind of puts me in a tight spot.
Maybe this is all a blessing in disguise. Maybe all the car troubles are a gentle way of pushing me into resignation. After all, Jerry's got some really great things happening for him right now, and it just might be the opportunity I was looking for to devote myself full-time to my web business. I need a push, but I don't know if I'm ready to make that leap. I also don't want to put Jerry under any unnecessary financial stress just because of some hair-brained idea of mine. I am secretly hoping that if I did feel the need to step out, that my company would want me to work free-lance from home. After all, I was the one who started this division of the company, and I'm the one who has everything laced up here. If that WERE the case, I would do it today. Unfortunately, it's the not knowing that always kills me.
I am however finding much easier these days to be happy with where I am, who I am, and what I have. I attribute most of that to my wonderful husband, wonderful marriage, and wonderful new house. It seems to be so much easier to be content with life when everything around you is so effortless. So I guess for now, we'll just have to see where things go, and seize the opportunities when they come my way!
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