It is time.
It is time for me to make a move in my life.
I am tired of sitting idly by and waiting for my life to happen to me. It's time for me to do something about it. To be proactive. To become something. To find what I've been looking for this whole time. It's time for me to get my shit together. To make up my mind. To be decisive. To be honest. TO BE WHO I WAS MEANT TO BE.
Because right now, I'm not.
I deserve a life. I deserve someone in my life who means something to me. And I deserve to be happy. It's time for me to make that happen. I am the only one who can do that. And I will.
I will...
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
everything in between.
So it's been quite some time since I posted anything... it appears that I am WAY overdue. The last posing was about my Mr. OC coming to visit me in Houston. Now, this was a monumental thing because Houston is where we met but since then he has been whisking me off to Vegas, California and the like to visit. BUT since we both have an open weekend, he decided to come visit me back here.
And I must say- I totally love that. Houston is my town. I know the scene and my friends are here. So after 5 months he was finally getting the opportunity to seal the stamp of approval from the Houston gang. Let's just say he passed with flying colors! Even amongst the toughest of critics (my gay guys) he shone like a rockstar!! Of course this is no surprise to me because I already knew how special he is and because I know he is such a good fit for me, that they would all love him as well. :) Needless to say it was a great weekend!!
Last weekend I flew out to Orange County (at which point this is where I give my Nessa a HUGE shout out!) and it was breathtaking. I've pretty much never been anywhere and since I met Bob I've been to Vegas and now California. Did I mention it was beautiful? I was beside myself all weekend long. It was amazing being in his element too. I finally got to watch him in action doing the thing he lives for (surfing) and got to see everything that makes him who he is.
Until last weekend, I thought the whole "long walks on the beach" thing was so cliche and cheezy, but not anymore. I had never been happier!! You can see it on my face in the picure I posted of us. I can honestly say that I never in my life have seen a picture that I could look at and be amazed by the true, natural, expression of happiness on my face. And it fits. I like to see myself that way and I never have.
And I must say- I totally love that. Houston is my town. I know the scene and my friends are here. So after 5 months he was finally getting the opportunity to seal the stamp of approval from the Houston gang. Let's just say he passed with flying colors! Even amongst the toughest of critics (my gay guys) he shone like a rockstar!! Of course this is no surprise to me because I already knew how special he is and because I know he is such a good fit for me, that they would all love him as well. :) Needless to say it was a great weekend!!
Last weekend I flew out to Orange County (at which point this is where I give my Nessa a HUGE shout out!) and it was breathtaking. I've pretty much never been anywhere and since I met Bob I've been to Vegas and now California. Did I mention it was beautiful? I was beside myself all weekend long. It was amazing being in his element too. I finally got to watch him in action doing the thing he lives for (surfing) and got to see everything that makes him who he is.
Until last weekend, I thought the whole "long walks on the beach" thing was so cliche and cheezy, but not anymore. I had never been happier!! You can see it on my face in the picure I posted of us. I can honestly say that I never in my life have seen a picture that I could look at and be amazed by the true, natural, expression of happiness on my face. And it fits. I like to see myself that way and I never have.
Friday, June 16, 2006
zzz.
That's not a very accurate title. Because I am not doing any sleeping right now. I'm restless. I'm thinking too much and it's not letting me sleep. Thinking about how complicated my life has gotten. How the coolest guy I've ever met lives on the opposite side of the country. We're keeping it casual- I mean, realistically, how often can we see each other? I can't make a commitment to a guy I hardly ever see! Am I dating? No. Have I been hooking up with other guys? No. Why? Because I don't want to. At the end of the day I would rather go home alone than be with someone else. It's really ridiculous when it comes right down to it. And yet, I feel myself getting immersed in it more and more every day. It appears that he has more self control than I do because he doesnt get all swept up and mushy about things. Unless he's been out drinking.
Then it comes out. The infamous drunk dial. The inhibitions are lowered and Mr. "Together" becomes a big softie. I think he might be afraid of me. Afraid of what I mean and how I may play into his life. I think he's afraid that if he lets himself care about me too much that it's going to screw things up for him. He's got it together. He's got a great job, he travels, he gets to do whatever he wants on the weekends, and he has no obligations. Nice little bubble he lives in there in Orange County.
Then I come along. I am unexpected. I am young and free and do not have the baggage women his age have. I think I have thrown him off course. He remembers the most obscure details of my life. Details that guys I was with for years didn't even remember. He tells me constantly how much I surprise him and how he continues to be more impressed by me every day. He tells me I am the coolest chick he has ever met and why hasn't someone snatched me up yet? He tells me all kinds of things that you only tell someone you're really interested.
But he lives in California. And I live in Texas.
Then it comes out. The infamous drunk dial. The inhibitions are lowered and Mr. "Together" becomes a big softie. I think he might be afraid of me. Afraid of what I mean and how I may play into his life. I think he's afraid that if he lets himself care about me too much that it's going to screw things up for him. He's got it together. He's got a great job, he travels, he gets to do whatever he wants on the weekends, and he has no obligations. Nice little bubble he lives in there in Orange County.
Then I come along. I am unexpected. I am young and free and do not have the baggage women his age have. I think I have thrown him off course. He remembers the most obscure details of my life. Details that guys I was with for years didn't even remember. He tells me constantly how much I surprise him and how he continues to be more impressed by me every day. He tells me I am the coolest chick he has ever met and why hasn't someone snatched me up yet? He tells me all kinds of things that you only tell someone you're really interested.
But he lives in California. And I live in Texas.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
rules.
Rules of Drunk Dialing:
1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false
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2.It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't
remember
it, it didn't happen.
3.If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. "Mom I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you"
4.Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something.
5.Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their
friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come.
6.Drunk texting is alright... If you are prepared to read what you
wrote the next day when you are sober.
7.It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night.
8.You can also call this same ex and let her know, that you know, that she still loves you. Then explain to her that I would still love me too!
9.If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
10.It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
11.Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex
crazed...Never angry.
12.Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem".
13.If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
14.Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing.
15.If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing.
16. Drunk dialing to foreign country is usually too costly to be a good idea. But if you really feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, break rule 15 and use a friend's phone.
17.Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing.... Be prepared.
18.When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the A.M. usually doesn't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when your drunk..... "you want me to do what with your box? Play with it?"
19.Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up
with you blow drying your phone when your far to drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night.
20.Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher, grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers
1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false
advertisement.
2.It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't
remember
it, it didn't happen.
3.If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. "Mom I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you"
4.Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something.
5.Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their
friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come.
6.Drunk texting is alright... If you are prepared to read what you
wrote the next day when you are sober.
7.It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night.
8.You can also call this same ex and let her know, that you know, that she still loves you. Then explain to her that I would still love me too!
9.If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
10.It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
11.Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex
crazed...Never angry.
12.Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem".
13.If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
14.Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing.
15.If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing.
16. Drunk dialing to foreign country is usually too costly to be a good idea. But if you really feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, break rule 15 and use a friend's phone.
17.Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing.... Be prepared.
18.When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the A.M. usually doesn't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when your drunk..... "you want me to do what with your box? Play with it?"
19.Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up
with you blow drying your phone when your far to drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night.
20.Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher, grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers
Sunday, June 11, 2006
addendum.
I feel that I must issue an andendum to my last blog. It seems I have somewhat offended some of the guys I used to date. I greatly apologize. I do not truly think that any of you are worthless. Nor do I think that the relationships were worthless. I think that my jaded perception on my past has come only recently from someone who hurt me and took advantage of my good nature and genuine concern for the well being of other people. Over the course of the last 3 years there have been 2 serious relationships that have greatly affected me and remain fresh in the front of my mind. It is these relationships that caused the comments that have proved to be offensive to people who most certainly do not deserve anything but my best wishes and happy intentions!
So many of you have made a profound impact on my life and I would like to thank you for being a part of it and feel so gracious that we are still able remain friends throughout the years.
Thursday, June 8, 2006
fantasy weekend.
Now that it's been a couple of days, I think I have come off my little cloud enough to write a bit.
Everyone knows that Vegas is awesome. You literally cannot go wrong no matter what you do. All of the major hotels are great, the food is fantastic, the entertainment is unmatched, and the clubs are always bumpin. Even if you don't gamble (which I really don't) there are still endless things to do. That being said- you would think a vacation on those terms could not get much better.
I went out there trying to be as unassuming as possible. Ok- first of all, this guy finds me interesting enough to want to spend time with me. This is a good thing. On top of that, he thinks enough of me to fly me out there and set it all up so that I do not have to lift a finger other than packing a bag and showing up at the airport. Pretty nice little package deal, am I wrong? Needless to say, I didn't know quite what to expect. I obviously like the guy, find him interesting and engaging and whatnot, or else I don't think I would have bothered trying to spend three whole days with him again.
So he's totally adorable when I get in... not in a cutesy way- obviously he's an attractive man- I'm talking fidgety and nervous to the point where I could totally tell he didn't know what to expect from me any more than did I know what to expect from him. Anyway- that didn't last long at all, and I knew it wouldn't. Because in spite of everything else that I find so attractive about him, probably my favorite thing is the conversation we have. We literally talked non-stop the entire trip. Never have I been around someone for such a long period of time and not run out of things to talk about.
That could be because we have eighty million things in common- which is also a first for me. And I'm starting to notice a trend here- namely that things are so easy with Mr. OC. Not easy like everything's handed to me, but easy like this is the way things were supposed to be all along. Had I known that things could be like this with a guy, I would not have wasted so much time on the other worthless guys I have dated in the past. I am learning- which is good- who wants to go through their entire life not learning anything new? I'm learning that it's ok to not be the strong one, it's ok to let him take the lead, it's ok to not be so neurotic about stupid small things. Wow- is this actually a grown-up I am dealing with? Amazing.
I digress... so the weekend was fabulous. Suite at a four star hotel, fine dining at fancy restaurants, laughing and playing at the pool, sightseeing, hitting up some INCREDIBLE clubs, and high end shopping. It was hard to leave. Yes the trip was fun- but the man was better! That was the part that was hard to leave. And here is where I find my problem.
Stupid me- did I forget that he lives in California? And that I live in Texas? And if I'm LUCKY I may get to see him once every several weeks? This was not the kind of weekend you walk away from feeling nonchalant about. You don't have offhand memories of a weekend like this. I'm invested. I'm wrapped up. I'm upside down for crying out loud! This is not what I wanted to be feeling. I wanted to go, have a good time, come home, and not think too much about it until maybe we got the chance to see each other again. Not happening. Not at all.
So now what? Do I play it cool and wait it out? Do I become more aggressive and make some pro-active moves? Do I just stop thinking about it and let it run its course? I don't know... I do know that he called me 3 times when I was at the airport on my way back home. And I also know I've gotten more emails and texts than ever before from him this week. And it's only been 3 days.
I can say that from the pictures I have showed other people, I am getting the same reaction- "Wow, Rach, you look so happy." Imagine that. I never knew that I didn't always look happy. I guess he brings out the best in me. But I already knew that...
Everyone knows that Vegas is awesome. You literally cannot go wrong no matter what you do. All of the major hotels are great, the food is fantastic, the entertainment is unmatched, and the clubs are always bumpin. Even if you don't gamble (which I really don't) there are still endless things to do. That being said- you would think a vacation on those terms could not get much better.
I went out there trying to be as unassuming as possible. Ok- first of all, this guy finds me interesting enough to want to spend time with me. This is a good thing. On top of that, he thinks enough of me to fly me out there and set it all up so that I do not have to lift a finger other than packing a bag and showing up at the airport. Pretty nice little package deal, am I wrong? Needless to say, I didn't know quite what to expect. I obviously like the guy, find him interesting and engaging and whatnot, or else I don't think I would have bothered trying to spend three whole days with him again.
So he's totally adorable when I get in... not in a cutesy way- obviously he's an attractive man- I'm talking fidgety and nervous to the point where I could totally tell he didn't know what to expect from me any more than did I know what to expect from him. Anyway- that didn't last long at all, and I knew it wouldn't. Because in spite of everything else that I find so attractive about him, probably my favorite thing is the conversation we have. We literally talked non-stop the entire trip. Never have I been around someone for such a long period of time and not run out of things to talk about.
That could be because we have eighty million things in common- which is also a first for me. And I'm starting to notice a trend here- namely that things are so easy with Mr. OC. Not easy like everything's handed to me, but easy like this is the way things were supposed to be all along. Had I known that things could be like this with a guy, I would not have wasted so much time on the other worthless guys I have dated in the past. I am learning- which is good- who wants to go through their entire life not learning anything new? I'm learning that it's ok to not be the strong one, it's ok to let him take the lead, it's ok to not be so neurotic about stupid small things. Wow- is this actually a grown-up I am dealing with? Amazing.
I digress... so the weekend was fabulous. Suite at a four star hotel, fine dining at fancy restaurants, laughing and playing at the pool, sightseeing, hitting up some INCREDIBLE clubs, and high end shopping. It was hard to leave. Yes the trip was fun- but the man was better! That was the part that was hard to leave. And here is where I find my problem.
Stupid me- did I forget that he lives in California? And that I live in Texas? And if I'm LUCKY I may get to see him once every several weeks? This was not the kind of weekend you walk away from feeling nonchalant about. You don't have offhand memories of a weekend like this. I'm invested. I'm wrapped up. I'm upside down for crying out loud! This is not what I wanted to be feeling. I wanted to go, have a good time, come home, and not think too much about it until maybe we got the chance to see each other again. Not happening. Not at all.
So now what? Do I play it cool and wait it out? Do I become more aggressive and make some pro-active moves? Do I just stop thinking about it and let it run its course? I don't know... I do know that he called me 3 times when I was at the airport on my way back home. And I also know I've gotten more emails and texts than ever before from him this week. And it's only been 3 days.
I can say that from the pictures I have showed other people, I am getting the same reaction- "Wow, Rach, you look so happy." Imagine that. I never knew that I didn't always look happy. I guess he brings out the best in me. But I already knew that...
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
blogs.
I am not an idiot- I know people read my blogs. I kept a few of them private for a while, and a few more only to where people on my friends list could view them. But for some reason the other day, I made them all public. I guess I just decided that it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe people need to see what I am thinking and feeling about things. Maybe I'm tired of being the only person who knows that I hurt. Maybe I want people to see that I'm trying to be happy- in spite of the unfortunate cards that I have been dealt in the last few months.
And you- you know who you are- I don't want you to think I've forgotten. I don't want you to think I write to hurt you. Honestly, I didnt think you would be interested enough to read anyway. I always secretly hoped you would- I used to write about you all the time. I wrote about us, good or bad, with the thought that maybe it would help you understand. Understand that I still love you and I probably always will. I can't change that, and I don't want to. And now, it's out in the open. You can see it plainly here now and so can everyone else. And I dont care who knows. Everyone thinks I'm nuts for caring about you after everything that's happened- but I dont care. I can't help the way I feel just like you can't help the way you feel about your situation.
Anyway- there it is. No sugar coating, no lies. And yes- I am still going to Vegas, and I am still going to have a great time with someone who does not complicate my life. I'm not trying to marry the guy, but I deserve to have fun too. Just like you needed to get away the other night- so do I. I wish you could understand that. After all- I'm not the one who put us in this situation. But sometimes, it seems like I'm the only one interested in fixing it.
At the end of the day, I just keep missing you.
And you- you know who you are- I don't want you to think I've forgotten. I don't want you to think I write to hurt you. Honestly, I didnt think you would be interested enough to read anyway. I always secretly hoped you would- I used to write about you all the time. I wrote about us, good or bad, with the thought that maybe it would help you understand. Understand that I still love you and I probably always will. I can't change that, and I don't want to. And now, it's out in the open. You can see it plainly here now and so can everyone else. And I dont care who knows. Everyone thinks I'm nuts for caring about you after everything that's happened- but I dont care. I can't help the way I feel just like you can't help the way you feel about your situation.
Anyway- there it is. No sugar coating, no lies. And yes- I am still going to Vegas, and I am still going to have a great time with someone who does not complicate my life. I'm not trying to marry the guy, but I deserve to have fun too. Just like you needed to get away the other night- so do I. I wish you could understand that. After all- I'm not the one who put us in this situation. But sometimes, it seems like I'm the only one interested in fixing it.
At the end of the day, I just keep missing you.
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