taking a stand.

I guess I'm ready to sit down and write about this now. I was thinking that maybe I wouldn't, maybe I would just let it go and move on, but now I am hearing that my good name is being drug through the mud, so here I am.

It's coming out, ALL OF IT:

I have been a loyal, dedicated employee of the Laff Stop for almost 4 years now. I was hired on as the "Office Manager" in 2004 under Pete Prelli. Pete as you all know, had his issues, but that's another story entirely. I came on to work under him and within 6 months had taken over the operational aspects of everything in that business so that he would be free to come and go as he please, or be there at night, or whatever excuses were made as to why I was doing all the work all the time.

THEN late in 2006, as has happened with so many others, I got into it with Pete and I quit. While I was nice enough to stay on for a couple of months to ease the transition, I was gone by October of 2006. In December of 2006, I got a call from Jeff McFerrin (the silent partner in the Laff Stop) begging me to come back on, offering me a raise, and letting me know that he was getting ready to out Pete from the club completely, and that he needed me to take over fully when Pete was gone. So of course, out of obligation to the Laff Stop, the comedy scene, and the sheer magnitude of the opportunity itself, I said "yes".

I came back, suffered through 6 more months of tyranny with Pete, keeping Jeff's little secret, and waiting for my turn. Finally the time came, Jeff cut the cord with Pete. Jerry and I lost friends, we had to have security around at all times due to the dangerous situation Jeff put us in, but we powered through. Jeff did not send Pete to jail for embezzling over $300,000.00 over the course of 3 years, nor did he seek ANY punitive damages from him. In fact, he PAID Pete an additional $10,000.00 just to shut up and walk away. Does that make sense to anyone??

The next 3 months were indescribable. I lived in fear for my life, I screened ALL of my calls, and I never went anywhere alone at night. I was too afraid. Jeff had left too many loose ends with Pete, and I knew that I was the 1 target. But guess what? I kept moving forward. I had to. The comedy scene needed me, the Laff Stop needed me, and Jeff McFerrin needed me. So I kept booking shows, I kept trying to come up with new ways to cultivate the comedy scene, and I always entertained ideas from the local comics to help get them involved in "their" club. I worked nights, I worked weekends, all in addition to my daytime 9-5, just to get the club moving on the right track again.

At the beginning of 2008, after I had been giving my heart, my soul, and my LIFE to the Laff Stop and to Jeff, I was told it was being considered for sale. Honestly, I didn't worry much. The Laff Stop has been "in the red" for about 3 years now, and only an idiot would sign on to take that kind of financial obligation over. I mean, the rent is $15,000/month alone. Then factor in comic fees, taxes, payroll, and all the other bills and expenses, and you're looking at needing $70,000.00 a month in INCOME just to BREAK EVEN. We've been averaging about $15,000 a month in income, so you can see where this is going...

In another attempt to ease my nerves, Jeff promised me that he would make sure that no matter what "he could still shut down and pay rent & severance of a few months' salary to me and still be in a better situation." So I felt pretty good... even if the club couldn't make it, at least I wouldn't walk away empty handed. So I carried on, business as usual. He kept me posted on what was going on, but nothing was happening and we weren't getting any bites. Then Don Learned shows up. Don and Jeff start having all these meetings, and all of a sudden I'm getting a really bad feeling about things.

Next, they come to me and reveal the plan. Don's pretty much broke, so he can't BUY the Laff Stop outright as planned. What Jeff has decided to do is bring Don on (like another "Pete" arrangement) where he would be running the club and Jeff is still the owner. They start talking about downsizing, closing the office, firing everyone and "starting fresh". They talked about closing down Open Mic, canceling the contest forever, and kuput to all the showcase shows. I lost it. They weren't even going to let me tell my 20 some-odd employees, they wouldn't let me give them ANY notice OR compensation at all, and then they pulled MY severance package. That was the last straw.

I laid it down to Jeff in an incredibly unflattering email. (Unflattering for him... if you wanna read that too, let me know I'll be happy to share it.) Sure, it was harsh, it was pointed, and it was every "civil" attempt at chopping him off at the knees that I could come up with. I reminded him of what he would be facing if I left, reminded him that the staff is going to lynch him, and and reminded him of his "promises" that, coming from Jeff McFerrin mean absolutely squat.

He didn't even bother calling me back before he changed the locks on the club.

So, I was "fired" for standing up for what I believed in. For trying to get some severance to spread meagerly around to my employees, and for trying to get this "Loyal, Fair AGGIE" who supposedly lives by the credo of "AGGIE integrity" (maybe he should look that word up...) to stand by his word as a MAN, and as a leader. Sucks huh?

So yeah, I fell on the sword... in hopes that others would be saved, and even more would be educated. It has been nothing but detrimental to me, I mean, come on, I'm jobless, I've got a wedding to pay for in 2 months, we definitely won't be taking a honeymoon now, and on top of that my name is being smeared by someone who doesn't even deserve to speak it. So yeah, I'm speaking up to anyone who will listen. And when I go to bed each night I PRAY that nothing but misfortune befalls Jeff McFerrin, Don Learned, and the Laff Stop.

the wind.

I feel like this today...


I listen to the wind,
to the wind of my soul.
Where I'll end up well I think,
only God really knows.
I've sat upon the setting sun,
but never, never never never,
I never wanted water once.
No, never, never, never...

I listen to my words but
they fall far below.
I let my music take me where
my heart wants to go.
I swam upon the devil's lake,
but never, never never never,
I'll never make the same mistake.
No, never, never, never...

insomnia.

I remember being 7 years old and sleepless. That's how far is goes back.

Back then, it was more normal. What kid can sleep for any length of time when they're all wired up about Christmas morning? However, it is not usually like that for me. It's usually a dark restlessness. An inner twitch that electro-shocks my brain into frenzied thought and laborious worry.

Since you've been gone it's really been more along the lines of a physical pain keeping me awake. My heart uprooting from its otherwise happy state and groaning as it rolls over in my chest- deflated by your absence. Of course my mind worries about you- we've all heard the civilian horror stories of Nick Berg and the like. We are very aware of the prevalent danger.

Aside from the obvious, I have felt the never ending concern that can only come from little or no contact with you. I've tried patterning my days to coincide with yours. I know if I can stay up past midnight, you'll be awake again to correspond "live". I know around 2 or 3pm you're getting ready to go to bed. Coming in from the bases you've been at all days, settling in, and checking the web one more time before bed.

When you send me the most touching, heartfelt emails, it was all I could do to stop myself from gushing back a response. Instead, I fire back a quick "I LOVE YOU!!" An effort made if only in the hope that across the ocean we would be connected for even a moment. A gesture made to let you know "I'm here, I'm up, and I'm thinking of you at this exact moment." The little black letters on my white screen the only voice I have to you in the night...

Tonight, I lie awake, it is again after 2am. Instead of the lonely sadness that washes over me as I stare at your empty side of the bed, I am anxious. In less than 12 hours I will be in your arms once more!

I am 7 again.

Tomorrow is Christmas morning, and what awaits me on the other side of this night is far better than a pair of roller skates or a shiny new bike.

It's you. My love. Coming home to me again.

how can i tell you?

Jerry is in Kuwait, and I just keep listening to this song over and over, wishing I could talk to him. :(


"How can I tell you that I love you?
I love you, but I can't think of right words to say...
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you.
I'm always thinking of you, but my words just blow away...
It always ends up to one thing honey, and I can't think of right words to say.

Wherever I am, I'm always walking with you.
I'm always walking with you, but I look and you're not there.
Whoever I'm with, I'm always, always talking to you.
I'm always talking to you, I'm sad that you can't hear.
It always ends up to one thing honey, when I look and you're not there.

I need to know you,
Need to feel my arms around you.
Feel my arms around you, like sea around a shore.
Each night and day I pray, in hope that I might find you.
In hope that I might find you, because hearts can do no more...
It always ends up to one thing honey, still I kneel upon the floor.

How can I tell you that I love you?
I love you, but I can't think of right words to say.
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you.
I'm always thinking of you...

It always ends up to one thing honey, and I can't think of right words to say."

wonder and such.

"Your life is an occasion. Rise to it." --Mr Magorium

I have decided that it is time for me to rise. I have been waiting for someone else to DO something in my life, so that it makes sense to me. No. No more. "Wait and see" gets me nowhere. I have been "waiting and seeing" for quite some time now, and have finally figured out why.

Maybe, if I "wait and see" long enough, I won't actually have to DO anything. Eventually, someone else will come along and make a decision for me. I will never have to suffer any consequences or commit to anything important. And then, when I've "waited" long enough, and teetered on "maybe" for my fair share of time, something will fall in my lap. I've spent 26 years waiting on something to "happen." Things don't just HAPPEN. They ARE because you make them so.

Now that I have had some time to think, some quiet time in my own head, I realize this is truly the case. No one can live that way! At least, no one like me can. If I want something, I am going to go out and TAKE IT! I am not going to wait on promises that may never fabricate. I will not "hope" that things work out the way I would like them to. They won't! My dreams cannot come to fruition without some serious action on my part. They NEVER will unless I take proactive steps to make sure that they do. No one else is looking out for us. No one else cares what happens to us in the long run.

So I am. I'm done with playing games. I'm done with relying on someone else to hold up their end of the deal. I'M holding up the deal. I'm done taking peoples "word". Your word means absolutely zilch to me- I can see straight through you, you self-serving sycophant.

I am rising to the responsibilities in my own life.

I will rise to take care of me, to take care of my loved ones, to do the things I want to do, the way I want to do them, in a way that makes me happy.

I'm getting married! I'm ecstatic! Then I'm going to have babies! I'm even more ecstatic about that! Then what? I dunno... maybe we'll move to Costa Rica and lay on the beach and make souvenirs out of shells and coconuts to sell to the stupid American tourists. And learn to surf. Or maybe we'll move to Europe. Just backpack it around for a couple of years. Learn enough French so the French don't hate me, and learn how to make the best biscotti you've ever had in your LIFE, as well as an assortment of hand made pastas and the perfect cup of Earl Grey tea. Having fun, loving each other... seeing the world. It doesn't matter, because we'll be happy and we'll be IN CONTROL of our lives.

I am done with helpless. I am done with being at the mercy of others. I am done waiting for someone else to GIVE me what I need. I am done living someone else's mistakes. You made them, you deal with them. All I was trying to do was help in the first place. I will not let you walk on me because you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror. That's not my problem. I am done trying to convince others that I am important, that I am worthy. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!! I am seizing my life by the throat and taking control.

It's about time.

stardust.

"We are stardust, we are golden, and we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden."

That is a quote from Joni Mitchell at Woodstock. It seems apropos for some reason right now... plus I'm never all that good at coming up with titles for my blog.

I've had some things rolling around in my head lately, I've just been trying to find a way to convey them in a way that will do my thoughts justice on paper. Isn't that always the battle of the introspective, though? So now, I'm feeling peaceful and listening to some incredible music by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole and I'm feeling brave...

I have been trying to figure out a way to determine myself as a person. I feel different on different days, and I think there should be a way to merge all these aspects of myself together in such a way that will make me feel like a whole person. I guess I've been feeling a little segmented lately. I have all these different things about me that make me who I am, but some of them are so vastly different I can't figure out how they even came to be.

I wonder how much of it is from personal influences in my life, as there have been some great ones. (I will stray from comparing the obvious family influences, that's not what I'm talking about anyway.)

Miss Cole, my 4th grade English teacher, who was the first person to show an interest in my writing and taught me the fundamentals that keep me going even today. She was such a positive person, always smiling and laughing and having fun with us. Even as a fourth grader, I always appreciated the fact that she didn't treat us like children, but like real people who were just beginning to emerge into the world. I often thought that she was the kind of person I would have wanted to be friends with... she was just that "cool" of a person, and someone I have always admired.

Ms. Williams, Senior English, who taught me to appreciate the real loves in life. She lost her husband late in their lives, and every time she thought of him she would put her hand on her face to "connect" with his memory. She became passionate about ballroom dancing, not because she was a dancer, but because it was beautiful, and magical, and her eyes sparkled every time she spoke of it, and it was incredibly INSPIRING!

John Lennon. Of course I didn't know him, but he was a man of passion, peace, innovation. He believed in a cause and educated himself in order to understand it better. He took ownership of his life and his actions and never gave up on what he believed in, not to mention the fact that he left us with some revolutionary, unprecedented music.

God, MUSIC... where to even start? The same innovation, uniquely formulated lyrics and sounds are the things that make me appreciate everything musically that I appreciate.

George Harrison (The Beatles in general really...), Clapton, Jeff Buckley, Robin Trower, Buffalo Springfield, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Deep Blue Something, Eddie Vedder, Chris Cornell, Ray Charles, BB King, The Band, Leon Russell, Jim Morrison, Robert Plant, Jimi Hendrix, Jethro Tull, Ten Years After, Frampton, Damien Rice, Matisyahu, Joss Stone, Deep Purple, Cream... my GOD I could go on forever...

Wow... that was a spiritual experience just replaying through all of that. But THAT'S what I'm talking about. I feel that fire, that passion, and that REAL connection to myself and to the world around me when I'm immersed in music. And not just any music. Can't say Britney Spears elicits that response, but the true artists of the music world. The ones who are baring their souls and doing so brilliantly in the process.

I wonder how much of me has been shaped by my own experiences as well. Would I still be the same person I am now if I hadn't been the 1st born child? If I hadn't been such a "straight-laced" teenager? If I had had everything handed to me? If I hadn't been the by-product of an adult divorce? If I had married young? If I hadn't moved to Houston? If I hadn't suffered through a devastating infidelity towards me? If I hadn't shouldered the responsibility of someone else's business venture? If I hadn't found love in my best friend?

My whole life (or at least since I learned anything about it) I have wanted to be like "a hippie in the 60's." I always felt, like "man, they've got it down." Nobody cared about money, nobody cared about rules or authority, and everyone just EXISTED together. It was the ultimate life of personal freedom and open-mindedness. And I'm not talking about the revolutionaries or the drug dealers, or the protesters. I'm talking about the flower wearing, pipe smoking, van driving hippies that believed in all things loving and harmonious. What an interestingly delightful way to carry on. Somewhere in my soul I have a piece of that. I don't know if it's because of being a product of my parents, who did live that life, or if I, in a "past life" or something of the sort was there too and my subconscious remembers it... I just don't know, but it's there and a part of me yearns for it.

Recently I have been contemplating how to reach that point of absolute harmony within myself. I am infatuated with the idea of just BEING. Most of the time I feel that way anyway. I don't get stressed about stuff anymore, because as they say "The Universe is unfolding exactly as it should be." We shouldn't stress about it, we shouldn't try to shape it into something it's not. It's happening all around us, and if we're smart, we will sit back, enjoy the ride, and soak it up. I suppose some of this is no different than any other human being's need to feel some absolution in his/her life, but I've never really felt quite a pull like this before.

It makes me feel alive and at the same time extremely tranquil and totally comfortable in my own skin.

It's pretty fantastic.

stay in your lane, you jerk.

That specific phrase comes out of my mouth at LEAST twice a day. Actually, it usually sounds more like "What the fuck are you doing you stupid fuck? Stay in your fucking lane!!" LOL **I think it should be noted that I don’t actually "like" to use profanity because I think it’s one of the most ignorant ways to express yourself, but these situations make me angry beyond compare, and those are the only words that seem to fit the situation.**

Isn’t that ridiculous? It seems like in a pulsing metropolis like Houston that people would know how to drive. Not because "big city folk" are better drivers or anything, but because it’s a necessity. There are hundreds upon hundreds of thousands of people commuting here every day, and if you don’t know how to drive, then you get hurt. Or worse, you get killed. 

Despite those statistics, and the harsh reality of that situation, people around here just can’t seem to stay in their damn lane. Maybe I attract that kind of driver, but I honestly almost got run over THREE TIMES this morning on my way to work just because some ignorant imbecile can’t keep their hybrid honda/unnecessarily large truck/mini-van between the little white dashes that indicate where the lanes are! 

Why do you INSIST on swerving into my lane?
Are you DRUNK at 9am?
Do you not SEE me?
Or is it the more likely solution, that you’re just a fucking idiot, and you have no business driving in the first place?

I’m just SO TIRED of it. It literally happens EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yesterday when I was on my way home from work, I almost got sideswiped by a school bus. A SCHOOL BUS PEOPLE! These morons are being entrusted with the lives of our children, and they’re trying to kill people left and right. Let’s just say that if I hadn’t been paying close attention (as I certainly HAVE to these days, for fear of getting in a wreck every 10 seconds) I would not be writing this blog today. I would be in the hospital in traction, all because some stupid school bus driver was swerving all over the road. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen what a bus can do to a compact car, but it’s just not pretty.

What is the deal here???