25 things.

Import from a Facebook post:


You are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.

1. I hate NASCAR, like, violently.
2. I'm only 27, but I feel like I'm 35.
3. Sometimes people think I'm 35.
4. I've gotten mean over the years.
5. So much so that I've actually made a comment about birth control to a woman who's kid was screaming in a restaurant.
6. That scares me because I used to be so nice. :)
7. I have a tumor in my right breast.
8. That scares me too.
9. My very first crush was Patrick Swayze... I may have been 4.
10. I do not like feet, and I really do not like them touching me.
11. I recently had to explain the concept of "tossing salad" to my boss. It was pretty damn embarrassing.
12. I love clothes shopping.
13. I can go months without ever having to do laundry.
14. I sing in the car, and I pretend that I'm REALLY good at it.
15. I love my little dog as much as I imagine loving a real baby. She just too darn cute and unbelievably smart.
16. I am a total slob. I would never clean house if I didn't have to. Thank God Jerry likes doing dishes!
17. When marijuana becomes legal, I will become a farmer's wife.
18. I have the strangest recurring nightmare about missing the school bus and running and running... What's even more strange is this is all taking place at Alamo Jr. High.
19. After hearing horror stories from other friends, I feel so blessed that I love my family-in-law so much. One of the highlights of my week is meeting them for dinner on Monday nights.
20. I am a surprisingly bad ass Rockband drummer!!!
21. My favorite movie to watch over and over is Legally Blonde.
22. I freaking love Celine Dion, but do not listen to her music when anyone else is around.
23. I believe I was a hippie in my past life.
24. I never thought twice about being pro-choice until I saw the Body Worlds 2 exhibit.
25. I'm kinda sad this is over because suddenly I have alot more I want to say... LOL

vegas marketing tactics.

This little jewel came in the mail for Jerry and I today. It says: "When I do becomes I don't... we can help." There's a picture of a wedding cake with some broken bride and groom dolls on top. LOL It's basically a flier for getting a divorce. www.nevadadivorce.com. Oh yeah, and there's a coupon on the back to get a discount when filing a divorce or annulment.

What is going on here?!? All I can think is that since people like Britney Spears get married on Vegas and change their minds the next day, they must have a pretty nice business working there. I'm just imagining the employee of this company that gets sent to the marriage license office every Monday morning to pick up the list of newly issued marriage licenses. I can think of no other reason to send this kind of things to newlyweds. But it is quite hilarious, LMAO!!

At least they gave us 5 months to think about it first...

sober.

Pink's new song... bears a striking resemblance to another time in my life.



I don't wanna be girl who laughs the loudest,
or the girl who never wants to be alone.
I don't wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning
because I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home.

Ahh, the sun in blinding,
I stayed up again.
Oh, I am finding
that's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection.
So how do I feel this good sober?

I don't want to be the girl who has to fill the silence,
the quiet scares me because it screams the truth.
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation,
I won't remember, save your breath 'cause what's the use?

Ahh, night is calling...
it whispers to me softly "Come and play"
I am falling,
and if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame.

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection.
So how do I feel this good sober?

Coming down coming down coming down,
spinning round spinning round spinning round,
looking for myself sober...

Coming down coming down coming down
spinning round spinning round spinning round
looking for myself sober...

When it's good
then it's good
it's SO good,
till it goes bad.
Till you try to find the you that you once had.

I've heard myself cry.
Never again.
Broken down in agony,
just trying to find a friend.

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection.
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection.
But how do I feel this good sober?

--"Sober", Pink

rainy days.

I love rainy days. I love the sound, I love the smell, I love the way they make me introspective. There's just something so soothing about the random splatter of raindrops outside, and being safe indoors. It's like nature's beautiful music, only with no lyrics to distract you. Music is such a wonderful writing instrument, but it's words and melodies can sometimes lead you in a direction you were not planning on taking. With the rain, my mind is clear and unobstructed so that I can climb inside and dig around after what's really going on in there.

Today I'm thinking about memories. Obviously, we have memories to help us remember things in our lives. Things so simple as our neighbor's names, and other things sometimes as complicated as preparing our tax returns. Most of us remember our first kiss, our first car, and our wedding day. Some people remember childhood friends and adventures, and others can't remember where they put their keys. No matter the significance, the gravity, or the timelines of our memories, they are the things that help to shape us into who we become as a person. Without memories, we would never change, we would never grow, and we would never adapt to our situations or our surroundings.

However, I find myself wondering why on earth we find ourselves clinging to certain ones? Is it voluntary, or much in the same way as love, do our memories choose us?

The high school football star, you know the one. The guy who constantly reminds everyone around him how he was the big shot in high school. How he caught the winning pass in the last seconds of the championship game, bringing honor and notoriety to his team. This guy is usually in his 40's. Why is he still clinging to this memory? Is it because nothing he's ever done in his life since then has been of any value, or is it purely because he can't help it?

What about those forlorn hearts, wondering about "the one that got away?" Those men and women dreaming of what might have been, fabricating futures and families and entire lives based solely on the memory of a lost love. Their happiness is jeopardized, their souls are tortured, and any new relationships are undermined before they even begin. Do these people have regrets? Do they have nothing better to do? Or are these memories bombarding their minds against their will?

Though it seems to be a perpetual problem amongst all walks of life, I find it difficult to accept that people choose to dwell on the kinds of memories that are causing them pain. Is there some undeniable substance to those memories that refuse to allow a person to let go?

Our mind has been proven time and time again to be the most advanced thing known to man. Sometimes I wonder if there are checks and balances in place within our brains that we are totally unaware of. Maybe some sort of filters and databases so intricately orchestrated, in place and designed to create an individual experience in life that is completely unique to each person.

We may never truly know why we have the memories we have, but it seems that we should at least try to enjoy the ones we have, and make an effort to cultivate new ones every single day. Otherwise, we'll be forever transfixed in the past.

reminiscing.

Well, I just got finished uploading the wedding pics. FINALLY! It's been almost 3 months now, LOL. Anyway, looking back through them all I got a little teary-eyed and emotional. What an amazing weekend it was!! Not only because I married my best friend and my soul mate, but also because of all the people who shared it with us.

It meant so much that you all were there, and I can think of no better way to spend my wedding day than with the friends and family that I love the most!! Thank you to all of you who made our wedding weekend such a spectacular event for us, and I will always treasure the memories that we all made together that wonderful weekend!!

new life.

People keep asking me how I like being married. Has anyone ever really answered with "I hate it!" No... because no one who is newlywed hates it. Duh. Aside from the obvious reasons, I think that's an odd question to ask, but it got me to thinking about some of the "side effects" (if you will) of being married... at least for me.

For one, all the tiny little boxes I've latched shut and packed away neatly in the furthest corners of my memory are starting to come open. I don't know why really, but my theory is that now that my conscious mind is happy, my subconscious mind is ridding itself of all the little things it's been storing away in an effort to keep me sane all these years. Maybe it's natures way of telling me it's time to deal with some of the the things I've been suppressing that once plagued me so, now that I'm happy and in a stable lifestyle?

It seems that I am quite masterful at suppressing things. I never realized it until recently. Probably because my suppression bank is now spilling all over everything. Things are popping back up that I haven't though about in years. Things that now seem silly and so easy to resolve internally, that I have to wonder why I submerged them in the first place.

Old relationship issues resurface more than anything. I think about what once was, what might have been, who I was then, and who I am now. Every single situation is different, and sometimes emotional. It becomes uncontrollable at times and I just have to succumb to the torrent of things unfolding in my mind. I suppose the rush comes from holding them down for so long, but I cannot express the relief I feel once each one has been laid to rest. Finally.

It's funny how when you are happy in your life, and finally in the relationship that fate meant you to be in, that you begin to forget the rest. I find myself mentally flipping through my relationship rolodex, completely unable to remember names. First names, last names, parents' names who I was "close to" at the time, time frames, beginnings and endings are missing... and I know with the eradication of each memory, that little by little, I become truly free.

So how do I like being married? My answer to you is this:

Being married is the most wonderful, satisfying, fulfilling, and gratifying thing I have ever experienced in my entire life! Even those words are not enough in themselves to accurately convey the extraordinary level of my hearts contentment.

hostage.

Angst-y writing: I used to love it. I thrived on the rush of feelings that would come pouring out of my fingertips and onto this page. But now, so much has changed, and I've forgotten how to do it. I don't even know where it comes from anymore. I used to sit down no less than once a week and pound out something stirring to reflect the torment that my soul was being wrought through. I hate to think that just because the emotional torment is gone, that the writing is gone too...

Jerry and I have talked about this several times since we've gotten together, mostly because he has the same problem as I do in this regard. We're happier now than we've ever been because we're together and more in love with each other than either of us could have imagined. But separately as friends, we were two very creative people riddled with angst and a constantly throbbing presence of internal turmoil that could only lend itself to an outlet such as "blog writing". Really painful, heart-wrenching blog writing. These were the days of drinking ourselves under on a daily basis, dating inappropriate people for the sake of companionship, and making bad decisions in a flailing attempt to "fix" ourselves.

I remember this. Vividly. More so at some times than others, but it's still there. I just can't tap into it, which I hate. No one wants to read bright and shiny blogs. They are no fun, and fewer people can relate to them. They certainly do not stir emotion and opinion quite the way a well written angst-y blog does. They do not rouse people you haven't talked to in months to send you messages regarding your sanity and/or proximity to suicidal actions. (Those were my favorites guys, and I love ya for the concern but I was never crazy, promise. LOL!)

Sure I get stressed now, worry a little bit here and there about inconsequential things, but I am not sad, I do not struggle with my inner demons, and I have no one in my life torturing my emotions. So what the hell do I write about?? I am going to figure this out. I am determined to overcome this writers block that is holding my favorite creative outlet hostage.

Stay tuned... I have theories and I am willing to test them at my own expense! ;)