Saturday, January 19, 2008

obligatory ambition.

It's Saturday night and I'm at work. 
Am I supposed to be? No. 
Did anyone ask me to be? No. 

I have this really weird feeling of obligation to be here like ALL the time. I'm not sure if it's because I'm just ambitious and I really want to make sure that everything happening under my roof is in order, OR if it's because I feel like I HAVE to. Like I'm less of a person, less of a professional or less of a leader if I don't show up. 

After a night like last night I think "Well, I don't really need to be here, they're fine, and they can handle whatever comes up." Then I come into work tonight and no one is prepared. I feel like the mother hen barking out orders, making everyone get up on their toes because they sure weren't on them when I popped in.

Those are the things that worry me. Like, what if I finally get comfortable enough to the point where I can just stay home and enjoy my evening and everything goes awry? Then I guess it's my fault for not being here and making sure that all my little ducks are in a row.


Friday, January 18, 2008


I had some really insightful thoughts about having closure in life, and thought I should write them down before I forget what I said:

I know there are plenty of people out there who don't believe in the whole concept of closure, like it's some hippie concept of alternative thinking or whatever. I, on the other hand, find that I need closure, I think it's an imperative part of growing as a person. 

If I don't have closure with a particular person or situation, I am undoubtedly going to have a difficult time moving past it and forward in my life. For me, gaining that closure is a mental obstacle that is conquered. Once I have closure, I can completely shut down the situation in my mind and move forward in my life. It/that person becomes a valuable part of my life and who I am today, but is no longer a weight in my mind or my heart.

Bad relationships are a great example of that. There are all these hurtful, damaging things that have happened in the past, and that's all I can remember about that time. I've found that making closure with that person or situation lets me let go of all the bad or hurtful things I may be harboring, and relish the time/person for the role they played in my life. It's much easier to look back on your life with no regrets and no animosity when you can put those things to rest.

Over the last several months I have had many opportunities to really gain some closure on some looming ghosts in my past, and I feel SO much better about starting the new year, and a new chapter in my life because of it!

(That explanation is nowhere near as eloquent as it was when I spit it out the first time in real converstaion, but I think you get the idea.)

Monday, January 7, 2008


I just got a call from MD Anderson to let me know that I don't have breast cancer!! Yay!!

They do however, want me to come in again for a different kind of biopsy, because they are trying to determine if they need to remove the tumor, so I'm still kinda waiting around on that part.

But I definitely feel good about taking the lesser of two evils. I'd rather them cut off part of my boob than to have to battle cancer. So... WHEW! I'm definitely relieved about that!!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

tough day.

Today I had to do something that I never thought I would have to do. I visited MD Anderson Cancer Center as a patient...

On November 22nd I found a lump (yes, THAT kind of lump) in my chest. It's a wonder I could find it at all... ba dum ch. Sorry, I make lame jokes to help me feel better when I'm stressed.

Anyway, I went to see my regular Dr. and he didn't seem alarmed so I went about my business. After my new insurance kicked in in December I made an appointment for Jan. 2nd to have it checked out by the "pros" at MDA...

Three different doctors gave me an ultrasound, I had 2 different mammograms, and they took 5 or 6 biopsy samples of the site for testing. 5 hours worth of doctors and stuff, and then I got to go to work. 

It was a really surreal experience, and I think that I was so stunned by the whole thing, that I wasn't really absorbing what was happening while I was there. I was really disappointed that I was alone. Of course, I had no idea it was going to be such a huge thing, or I would have taken Jerry with me for moral support. I thought it was going to be a quick in and out visit. It's a pretty bad feeling to be alone in that situation trying to wrap your head around something like that all by yourself. 

Long story short: I have a tumor. Is it cancer? I don't know... and I won't know for a few days. Will they have to remove it? Don't know that either yet...

BUT, I will keep you guys posted. :)