a new look!

I updated my blog appearance today! I've been tinkering with blog design and it's pretty fun! So far I've only done my own blogs, but I'm pretty proud of the results. Here's what I've done so far:

www.rachaelscarrma.blogspot.com
www.aubreyjune.blogspot.com
www.littlebirdiebaby.blogspot.com

Yay!! I love making things look "just so", I think it helps me write better because I'm not so focused on the asthetics, etc.

another big change...

Well, as some of you know a few months ago I changed the URL to my blog. Long story short, I felt like I HAD to, but I never WANTED to.

I'm not sure how the Blogger reader works but I'm sort of thinking maybe the URL change changed the settings for my followers. Either that or everyone decided they were sick of my blog on the exact same day because I haven't heard from anyone since!

So... I changed it back today.

The reasons I changed it in the first place no longer apply. I've put it all behind me and anyone from that incident who wants to resurface is welcome to do so, but should be prepared to handle what they're going to get from me if they do.

This is probably a good time to reiterate the fact that my blog (check that- ALL of my blogs)  and all the content past, present and future has now been legally copyrighted. Any use of my material is subject to my approval, and any attempt to alter such material is now legally punishable by law. Sucks that I had to do that, but some really nefarious, dishonest, amoral, selfish, unprincipled (and probably also jealous) people forced me into a corner.

No matter!! All bases are now covered, and I still may see some VERY lucrative outcomes as a result very bad behavior. < insert the wicked laugh of my lawyer >

So here we are! Back to Rachael's Carrma! I hope that I see some of my old blog friends back again and have a chance to make new ones. Of course, I am also still running my little blog for my daughter, as well as the blog for my company, and contributing to other blogs all about the web, so there will be no shortage of writing on my end!! I wish you all a glorious day!!

Inspiration!

It's certainly no secret that since I became pregnant, just the thought of this wonderful little girl has given me a huge wave of inspiration. Starting with the nursery, it has just been flowing from me like rain! The fact that she's renewed my creative streak after somewhat of a dry spell has really made me feel like myself again. :) The magic of this little girl never ceases to amaze me!

My latest wave has led me to really exciting venture... opening my own Etsy store! For those of you who may not be familiar with Etsy, it's a great website for people to buy and sell artisan goods. You can find all kinds of awesome stuff there!

Anyway, I am always on the quest for something cute for her to wear, and one day it suddenly dawned on me that I should just make it! I started experimenting with fabric dyes and the rest is history... 

Here's one of my favorites with my little sweetie being kind enough to model it for us!

There's a box in my task bar to the right on this page that is showcasing some samples, as well as a link to the store. Otherwise, you can go here:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/littlebirdiebabyshop

oil.

I'm thinking about the oil spill this morning. I remember being a kid and learning all about them, their devastating effects on the land and the wildlife touched by the poison spilling into the sea. In those days, the early 90's, they were almost common. You can find the lists of historically devastating spills here if you're interested. I was much too young then to know which was which, but I remember learning about them in school, and reading about them in Highlights Magazines. haha!

We would visit the Gulf coast, as my grandma lived there, and play on the beaches. Tar was always a problem in those years. We never were allowed to wear our "good" bathing suits, and in every beach bag was a bottle of tar solvent to get the inevitable streaks off of our feet before getting back in the car. It wasn't a big gross thing, but it happened, and we learned to deal with it.

Anyway, I was young, but I knew it was a problem. Also, I've always been an animal lover, and could just not understand how anyone could put so many animals in danger with such carelessness. Even as a child I wanted to help. Since then, the incidents have been much less frequent and apparently under better regulation... until now.

The BP oil spill is happening right in my backyard. I know people who work for them, I know people involved with that particular rig, my husband in fact was an x-ray tech for the construction of the rig years ago even. It's hitting close to home. And as selfish as it may seem, I really wish the timing was different, because I want to be there to help.

They're releasing photos of the devastation... the animals, the wetlands, the beaches, everything. If I wasn't like 8.75 months pregnant and about to pop, I'd be there. For sure.

My heart bleeds for the birds covered in oil, unable to fly, and unable to help themselves.

A nest of Pelican eggs, covered in oil. :(

There have been at least 6 dolphins wash up dead on the coast... see them here trying to swim beneath the surface of the tainted water.

Even insects suffer in this tragic eco-event.

Someone needs to get this situation together before it destroys thousands of miles of coastline. I only wish I could personally do more than I can right now.

her diamonds.

I heard Rob Thomas play this song acoustically today, after explaining why he wrote it and what it means to him. It really touched me, so I wanted to share the lyrics here. Sometimes in radio play, or just regular listening, the lyrics get lost in the music. Thus, the reason I love acoustic music so much.

Enjoy. :)



"Her Diamonds"
Rob Thomas


"Oh what the hell," she says,
"I just can't win for losing."
And she lays back down.
"Man there's so many times
I don't know what I'm doin',
Like I don't know now."

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Says, "It's funny how the night
Can make you blind."
I can just imagine,
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do-
But if she feels bad, then I do too.
So I let her be.

And she says, "Oooh,
I can't take no more."
Her tears like diamonds on the floor.
And her diamonds bring me down,
Cuz I can't help her now.
She's down in it,
She tried her best and now she can't win it.
Hard to see them on the ground,
Her diamonds falling down.

She sits down and stares into the distance,
And it takes all night.
And I know I could break her concentration
But it don't feel right.

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes.
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry,
And there's something less about her.
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do,
So I sit down and I cry too-
But don't let her see.

And she says, "Oooh,
I can't take no more."
Her tears like diamonds on the floor.
And her diamonds bring me down,
Cuz I can't help her now.
She's down in it,
She tried her best and now she can't win it.
Hard to see them on the ground,
Her diamonds falling down.

She shuts out the night,
Tries to close her eyes.
If she can find daylight,
She'll be alright.
She'll be alright.
Just not tonight...

And she says, "Oooh,
I can't take no more."
Her tears like diamonds on the floor.
And her diamonds bring me down,
Cuz I can't help her now.
She's down in it,
She tried her best and now she can't win it.
Hard to see them on the ground,
Her diamonds falling down.

And she says, "Oooh,
I can't take no more,"
Her tears like diamonds on the floor.
And her diamonds bring me down,
Cuz I can't help her now.
She's down in it,
She tried her best and now she can't win it.
Hard to see them on the ground,
Her diamonds falling down.

guilty dreams

I'm having dreams about not being pregnant anymore. I think it's because it's getting towards the end and the REAL discomfort has set in.

I'm dreaming of spending hours in the kitchen again cooking as my heart desires. I miss cooking. I have done little to none of it since I became pregnant because standing on my feet in a hot kitchen is no fun. I was really afraid for awhile that I had lost my inspiration, so I am very glad to see it returning.

I'm dreaming of vacations. White, sandy beaches, crystal-blue water, and a breeze blowing my hair. It's summertime so everyone I know is gearing up for their vacation time. No vacations for us this year. While I am SO thrilled about our little girl, I am definitely resisting the urge to scratch my vacation itch. It seems like it's time for one...

I'm dreaming of having drinks with friends. A delicious glass of buttery white wine, a margarita on the patio of our favorite mexican food restaurant, a Bud Light Lime out by the pool... Yum.

According to the doctor, in all likelihood I will not be making it all the way to my due date- which is a huge relief. She's already 7lbs 4oz, and I still have 3 weeks until she's "due," I can't imagine how huge she would be if she went the whole 40. The thought of a 10lb baby coming out of my vagina scares the living crap out of me! So... we're praying for early.

Everything hurts "down there". Nothing seems to be functioning properly. Time spent standing or walking around is time spent regretting not staying on the couch. I have to pee like 100 times a day- no joke- I should buy some stock in toilet paper, haha.

I'm packing my bag for the hospital this weekend. Hopefully that will be like getting up to go to the bathroom while you're waiting for your food at a restaurant. Somehow, it always seems to help speed things along.

Fertility and the older parent.

John Travolta and Kelly Preston are in the news this week, with an announcement of a new baby. About a year after losing their oldest child, they are now 3 months pregnant with a new baby. This must come as such a blessing to a pair of parents so devastated by the loss of their child. I can only imagine how horrible that whole situation must have been for them, so I am happy that they are able to move forward and pursue familial happiness with their new child.

However, this brings to mind another topic I've been thinking about recently. Fertility and older couples. Kelly is 47 and John is 56, and while they certainly have the means to support another child 10 years younger than their youngest daughter, the question I pose, is: should they? Is it responsible of the parents, or even fair to the child to be born to near-retirement age parents?

In their particular case, these parents will respectively be nearly 70 and nearly 80 when this kid graduates from high school. And while it has been statistically proven that people's life spans are ever extending, it is still a very real scenario that this child will actually be without parents before he/she is even of graduation age.

I see this more and more with the influx of people who are waiting to have kids. Waiting to have the perfect career, waiting to have enough money, waiting until the time is "right"... and then, more often than not, they have trouble conceiving. Women in their 40's trying for the first time to have kids, then having to spend at least another year trying all the fertility drugs, fertilization options, etc. before anything even happens.

Now, don't get me wrong, I completely understand the desire to have children. It's natural, it's normal, I even feel that it's intrinsic. As a woman, it's a difficult urge to avoid having at any cost. However, I think about being a kid myself, being a teenager, and being in my 20's, and how BADLY I needed the love, guidance, and companionship of my parents as I was learning to be who I am today. Then I think about how different my entire life would have been had my parents been geriatric through those formative years. Would my mom have been a girl scout leader had she instead been in her 50's or 60's? Would she have been able to spend hours helping me get ready for prom, through shopping trips, hair and makeup appointments, and late night curfew patrol? Would my dad have coached my softball team had he been in his 60's or 70's? Would he have been able to walk me down the aisle at my wedding had he been 80? Would they have been moving boxes in and out of countless dorm rooms and apartments throughout my college years? Would they even be here now to see the birth of my first child? You have to wonder...

All these experiences that I, and most people have had with their parents, are quickly dissipating for future generations of children with the continued influx of couples waiting so long to conceive. To me, it feels selfish. It feels really unfair to the kids.

What do you think? Does the desire to have children trump all of the consequences of reality, therefore making it "okay" at any cost to anyone involved?

Letter to the Editor- in regards to immigration.

I normally try not to get too political in my blog, though I am very much politically inclined by nature. Holding years of formal education, as well as a degree in political science and constitutional law doesn't help me squelch my urges to get involved politically, but it does keep me from sharing and discussing with those "less educated" and "less informed" about what's REALLY happening in politics today. Too many people are ignorant about the truth of politics and the mechanics of the way things actually work in our government, and therefore seem to let themselves become emotionally involved with their personal opinions and (more often than not) driven by ignorant points of view... unfortunately, that in itself makes it difficult to converse with most others on this topic. 

However, in running across this letter to the editor sent by a woman in Orange County, CA, I just had to share. This is a letter that is well written, not emotionally charged, and not violent in nature, yet STILL was refused publishing by the newspaper for whatever reason. Please read, and please try to take note of the truth in this matter... and the REAL reasons why what's happening in Arizona is a necessary start to a problem that's long since grown WAY out of hand.

-Rachael

ORANGE COUNTY ( CALIFORNIA ) NEWSPAPER-New Immigrants

This is a very good letter to the editor. This woman made some good points...

Newspapers simply won't publish letters to the editor which they either deem politically incorrect (read below) or which does not agree with the philosophy they're pushing on the public. This woman wrote a great letter to the editor that should have been published; but, with your help it will get published via cyberspace! 

From:
"David LaBonte"
My wife, Rosemary, wrote a wonderful letter to the editor of the OC Register which, of course, was not printed. So, I decided to "print" it myself by sending it out on the Internet. Pass it along if you feel so inclined. Written in response to a series of letters to the editor in theOrange County Register: 

Dear Editor:
So many letter writers have based their arguments on how this land is made up of immigrants. Ernie Lujan for one, suggests we should tear down the Statue of Liberty because the people now in question aren't being treated the same as those who passed through Ellis Island and other ports of entry. 

Maybe we should turn to our history books and point out to people like Mr. Lujan why today's American is not willing to accept this new kind of immigrant any longer. Back in 1900 when there was a rush from all areas of Europe to come to the United States, people had to get off a ship and stand in a long line in New York and be documented. Some would even get down on their hands and knees and kiss the ground. They made a pledge to uphold the laws and support their new country in good and bad times. They made learning English a primary rule in their new American households and some even changed
their names to blend in with their new home. 

They had waved good bye to their birth place to give their children a new life and did everything in their power to help their children assimilate into one culture. Nothing was handed to them. No free lunches, no welfare, no labor laws to protect them. All they had were the skills and craftsmanship they had brought with them to trade for a future of prosperity. 

Most of their children came of age when World War II broke out. My father fought along side men whose parents had come straight over from Germany , Italy , France and Japan . None of these 1st generation Americans ever gave any thought about what country their parents had come from. They were Americans fighting Hitler, Mussolini and the Emperor of Japan . They were defending the United States of America as one people. 

When we liberated France , no one in those villages were looking for the French-American or the German American or the Irish American. The people of France saw only Americans. And we carried one flag that represented one country. Not one of those immigrant sons would have thought about picking up another country's flag and waving it to represent who they were. It would have been a disgrace to their parents who had sacrificed so much to be here. These immigrants truly knew what it meant to be an American. They stirred the melting pot into one red, white and blue bowl. 

And here we are with a new kind of immigrant who wants the same rights and privileges. Only they want to achieve it by playing with a different set of rules, one that includes the entitlement card and a guarantee of being faithful to their mother country. I'm sorry, that's not what being an American is all about. I believe that the immigrants who landed on Ellis Island in the early 1900's deserve better than that for all the toil, hard work and sacrifice in raising future generations to create a land that has become a beacon for those legally searching for a better life. I think they would be appalled that they are being used as an example by those waving foreign country flags. 

And for that suggestion about taking down the Statue of Liberty , it happens to mean a lot to the citizens who are voting on this immigration bill. I wouldn't start talking about dismantling the United States just yet. 

(signed)
Rosemary LaBonte 

Mother, the heart of the Family.

Nations rise and fall, empires prosper or crumble and men are stirred to great accomplishments or driven to shameful failure often because of the influence of a wife or mother. The wise poet has properly said, "The hand that rocks the cradle, is the hand that rules the world."

For most women, motherhood is a great privilege, a crowning joy and sublime fulfillment. Perhaps the greatest privilege of motherhood is that of sharing a giving. No one shares and give as a mother does. She shares her body with another in order to conceive. She shares it again with her unborn child. Then, she shares her time, energy, and talent with it after it is born in order to meet its needs and help it to grow and develop. But most of all, she shares her heart and her love as she weeps, laughs, sorrows and rejoices with her child through the months and years of it's life.

Motherhood, while being a great privilege, also involves obligation. No task on earth requires more dedication, greater skill or fuller commitment. Her responsibilities demand devotion to the highest ideals and patient perseverance over long years of time. Her task is formidable because there is no human obligation that is less adaptable to substitution than motherhood. You can substitute for the teacher, policeman, governor, and almost anyone else- but no one has found an adequate substitute for a mother's love.

Happy and blessed are the home and the children of a loving, devoted mother. Happy Mother's Day!

**I am looking forward to sharing my life with my first born child in only 5 short weeks. I only hope that I can be half the mother that my own is. :)

Much Love,

Rachael

http://aubreyjune.blogspot.com

http://itsalongsweetlife.blogspot.com/

To share the nursery...

Ok, so I know I said no more baby stuff, but I just really want to share this with you guys. THIS has been my huge project for the past 3 or 4 months, and it's finally finished! Here's a little peek, but I would like to redirect you over to my "baby Aubrey" blog to see ALL of the pictures!! It took tons of planning, but it turned out so much better than I even imagined!

See the rest here!!: http://aubreyjune.blogspot.com/2010/05/nursery-peek.html

A new blog!

Well, I'm obviously pretty preoccupied with being pregnant. We are now within those last several weeks when there's TONS of busy work to be done. Between getting the nursery finished, getting the house ready, making sure we have what we need, inevitable baby showers, and TONS of doctors appointments... I've been busy.

Although I haven't been writing (again... yeah, I know), I've been thinking about the future of my blog. Don't get me wrong, it's not going anywhere. My concern was, that with all the "new" and the "baby" that my blog would get lost in the mix. One thing that remains important to me throughout all these new life changes is keeping my identity. While I will now and forever be "Aubrey's Mom," I will still be myself, and still want to be in touch with my own thoughts and ideas.

Since I can't think of a good way to merge the two, maintain my personal privacy, and still let the important people in my life stay up to date with everything pregnancy/baby/kid related, I decided to open a new blog. A new blog just for her.

My thought is that someday, when she's old enough, she'll enjoy reading through all the entries and looking at all the photos I have stored in "her blog." So, I'm pretty excited about it! Here's the link, and I invite anyone who is interested to follow along. There will be updates, stories, ultrasound pictures, baby bump pictures, and all the baby photos any blog can handle once she's born. :)

http://aubreyjune.blogspot.com/

And Rachael's Carrma will remain just for me. :)

health care

Against the better judgement of my "fun"side, I've been watching the House session since noon today. That was 6 1/2 hours ago. I also watched the 5 hour Health Care Summit a couple of weeks ago, and felt much the same then as I do now. That being said, I would like to leave any party affiliations or preconceived notions out of this blog, as those are completely irrelevant to me.

I hear alot of talking, but not much actual discussion. Each side keeps saying the same things over and over, but neither actually addressing the questions of the other side or the questions of us, the constituents. No one has seemingly bothered to notice that there is not one poll in existence in which the American people are in favor of this bill. Not one. Isn't the entire point of a democracy for the government to be run by the people? They're not even listening to us!

My concern in this highly volatile issue is this:

If we already know that Medicare is a broken system, and we already know that Social Security is a broken system (out of money this year due to the fact that baby boomers are now retiring, and the govt. has been "borrowing"from SS for years), and we already know that the U.S. Postal system is broken... why on Earth are we trying to put yet another government-run program into effect? Especially one of this magnitude?? It seems like a fundamentally proven bad idea.

Do we need health care reform? Absolutely. Our country has problems. There are too many people who are uninsured because they cannot afford coverage. There are even more people who are uninsured because a pre-existing condition has deemed them "uninsurable" by insurance companies. But, that as this bill stands now, I do not believe that it is the right solution.

I don't know how many of you have really done your research on this bill, as they certainly aren't making it easy to do so. However, all the media pieces aside, and the partisan penned articles aside, I think people would be surprised to know some of the things these officials are trying to push through with this bill.

Yes, it's great that with the passage of this bill, insurers will no longer be able to drop you from coverage or deny you coverage due to a pre-existing condition. Yes, it's great that everyone in the country will be able to get insurance for an "affordable" price, based on the level of your income. Though I have yet to hear exactly what "affordable" means. Affordable to the middle class family bringing in $80,000 a year is probably not the same affordable to the widowed 80 year old trying to make it from one deteriorating Social Security check to the next. Additionally, the new healthcare plan is being made it mandatory by penalty of a "substantial" fine, and that to me is absolutely unethical. I find it awfully presumptuous for the government to determine what we can and cannot afford to pay, without knowing each and every one of our individual situations. And if that is not enough, if we do not pay for this mandatory insurance they then have the audacity to charge us a fine.

And how will we pay for this grand new system? Well, taxes of course. Not right away mind you. They plan to continue to "borrow" from the near bankrupt Social Security, and cut the already sparse Medicare coverage for the elderly for a few years until they get brave enough to start raising our taxes.

Can NO ONE come up with a better plan than this?? Why are we rushing into something that stands to shake the entire nation to the core?? YES, we need reform. YES, we need a new plan. But can't we put a little time into working out a more reasonable, more fair, more effective course of action? Why do we have to be force fed this particular bill rightthisfreakingminute?? It seems that in a decision this big, with so much hinging on it's success, that we could afford to take a little time to get EVERYONE'S input and make sure it's something that is going to work.

Our futures are riding on it.

the exploitation locker.

I've been hearing alot of hype about this movie, "The Hurt Locker," a movie telling the story of soldiers overseas fighting the Afghani and Iraqi war. It's supposed to be gritty, real, heart wrenching, and the best representation of our boys over there right now.

As a friend/ex-girlfriend/acquaintance of many people different people serving overseas, and the wife of a comedian who has also been over there touring with the USO, I can always appreciate people who bring the truth of the soldiers' situation to light. Based on stories I've heard, and accounts from my husband's interactions with the soldiers, the media does them no justice. Their story NEEDS to be told from an unbiased source... if not from their own mouths. The soldiers need to be acknowledged for all that they're put through, and everything they're doing for us. So many of them are giving the ultimate sacrifice for their "job" and the numbers that reflect those people's lives seem to be being brushed under the rug.

That being said, I am very disappointed by what I'm hearing about this movie and the makers of it. While it is apparently an excellent rendition of the true life of the soldiers overseas, it seems unfair and even unethical the money and recognition these moviemakers are garnering for this film. For them to stand up in front of audiences and thank the soldiers, wish them the best, and then take home a big fat check- seems wrong. It actually seems a bit like exploitation. Sure, the movie is "real," it's "gritty," and it "shows the real side" of what's going down over there. But does that give these moviemakers the excuse to tell these stories and not only take the credit, but also take the money? It seems like if they are truly trying to bring light to these situations, as they say they are, then they could find a constructive way to pay it forward to the people it really belongs to. How about new kevlar since there's plenty of troops doing without at this point? Or a charity to help the next-of-kin to those who are lost in action? It seems like there's something they could do, instead of just stuff their own pockets.

Yesterday, I found a story on Yahoo! about these very same moviemakers soliciting votes from Academy Awards panelists. The email is panhandling in a very pathetic way... I'll go ahead and attach it here so you can check it out yourself:

I hope all is well with you. I just wanted to write you and say I hope you liked Hurt Locker and if you did and want us to win, please tell (name deleted) and your friends who vote for the Oscars, tell actors, directors, crew members, art directors, special effects people, if everyone tells one or two of their friends, we will win and not a $500M film, we need independent movies to win like the movies you and I do, so if you believe The Hurt Locker is the best movie of 2010, help us!

I'm sure you know plenty of people you've worked with who are academy members whether a publicist, a writer, a sound engineer, please take 5 minutes and contact them. Please call one or two persons, everything will help!

best regards,

Nicolas Chartier Voltage Pictures

To me, this is absolutely inexcusable. I know that people rally for their movies when it comes to Oscar time, but this seems like it's crossing the line. ESPECIALLY considering the fact that they're already basically exploiting the soldiers they claim to care about so much. It's sickening to me.

Maybe I'm taking it too personally because I have so much personal emotion invested in "the story" but knowing what I know, it all just seems so wrong to me.

inspiring and though provoking...

"It almost never fails: tell someone that you're going through something, or that you're in a rut, or that you're having a tough time seeing things change in your life, and their send-off advice will be some form of, "pray on it," or, "I'll be praying for you." Sometimes people say it because it sounds like the right thing to do, and other times people say it because they honestly believe that prayer is the catalyst for seeing an immediate change in your circumstance."


- http://kalexwa.blogspot.com

the tired cycle.

I'm tired.
I'm tired, and I can't sleep, and I'm stressed out.
Plus I have a biopsy of a Fibroadenoma (golf ball sized tumor) in my right breast Monday morning.
All things that are contributing to a crappy day.

At the very least, I am supposed to stay healthy, strong, and not stressed for the sake of the baby. I feel like I'm doing the very best that I can, but it's really difficult to accomplish those things when I can't sleep. I don't think maybe I was cut out to carry a baby. My narrow hips and tiny ass don't give way to the changes a growing baby demands. I'm hurting and more sore than from any workout I've ever had. I knew that my ligaments would stretch- they have to for everyone- but my GOD, I can hardly walk, let alone sleep. It gets worse when I lay down, because then my hips start to throb and my legs start to tingle... so I'm constantly moving around trying to find a comfy spot. If I'm lucky, I get 4 hours of sleep a night. Not 4 hours straight, but like 2 hours here and 2 hours there. And I'm only 24 weeks along.

Then there's the boob thing. I've always had huge ones. It's genetic. My mom, and my grandmothers on both sides of the family are very well-endowed, but I put all three of them to shame. PRE-PREGNANCY. Duh, I know your breasts grow during pregnancy, that's a given, but there was this pesky little problem beforehand- the fibroadenoma. I had it tested by MD Anderson Cancer Center in 2006 and thankfully it was benign, so they left it be. (How lucky am I to live so close to quite possibly the best cancer facility in the nation?) They said since I was so young, and it didn't seem to present a problem, that they were going to leave it alone an monitor it periodically as the years go by. I personally thought it would just be better to go ahead and get it out of there... no tumor, no possible future problems, right?

Well now I'm pregnant and my hormones are going psycho crazy, my breasts are growing to alarming proportions and the doctors are worried. Not worried that it could suddenly be cancerous, but that it could be causing me major problems now that it's reacting with the sudden tissue growth and ever-changing hormone levels. So... they're going to test it again. They keep telling me not to worry, but when I ask, they don't want to be too specific. My OBGYN says that there is a real possibility that due to hormone related changes and movement that they'll want to remove it before the baby is born. Ah... if they had only taken it out 4 years ago when it WASN'T a problem... instead of facing the possibility of having surgery while I'm pregnant. (Which from what I understand is not necessarily the best scenario for me or baby.)

So I'm trying not to stress... and trying to think positive. Luckily I have great doctors, and I feel very comfortable that they will do everything right by me and my baby. So we will see...

a boost today.

I sometimes contribute to another blog (www.womansworldmagazine.blogspot.com) and most recently shared my "letter" to my little girl on their blog. Well, I must've forgotten to click the box to notify me of new comments, and was feeling a little down that I hadn't gotten anything. Not that it was a revolutionary post from me, but because it's such a great blog to contribute to, comments run rampant. Lots of supportive women out there, and it's a great place to share things and get some great female perspective.

Anyway, I thought I would pop by and check on it this afternoon, and lo and behold there WERE comments! I had 8 wonderful comments from other women sharing their congrats, their love stories, and laugh stories about their kids and their pregnancies. It totally made my day!

One thing I know about being pregnant is that it's completely unpredictable. You need an outlet, and you need people to talk to, because it's not always what you expected. More on that later. ;)

so I finally made the switch.

It was time. And as much as I hated to, I finally changed my URL so those who found my blog and caused me problems can no longer do so. I really really hate to keep bringing this up, but what I hate even more is the fact that I'm thinking about it. And unfortunately, because I'm thinking about it, I'm not writing. I feel compromised and hurt by what happened, and the only thing that makes it worse is the fact that it's invaded my MOST personal space and my most personal thoughts.

One of the most beautiful things about the blog world is that you can be as conspicuous as you like. There are some bloggers that could be considered "famous" in their own right. On the other side of the coin, there are plenty of bloggers who choose to keep their identities shrouded for the sake of privacy. So far, I have found myself in the middle. I don't mind people knowing my name, it doesn't bother me to post pictures of myself and my husband, but at the same time, I know that there really isn't anyone out there that I "know" reading my blog.

That level of inconspicuousness is comfortable for me. I have always felt that I can be candid and true to my feelings without censoring my thoughts "just in case" someone specific reads whatever I write. My husband has the link to my blog, but he rarely reads it unless I ask him to. Sometimes there are things I like to get his opinion on because he has the insight into my life that no one else has, and he's also a very talented writer. We're good that way. But other than him, it's just you. All of you out there that I may know on a first name basis, or even a pseudonym basis only. I like it that way. I value your opinions and I treasure your comments. You don't judge me from an emotional basis, or on a personal level for any reason, and that to me is unbelievably liberating.

So in light of the fact that I felt that link of privacy had been broken, and it was in turn hampering my writing in a way that essentially left me dead in the water, I decided to change my URL. The people who "know" me probably won't notice a difference since I decided to leave the actual name of my blog the same, but at least now I feel a little safer.

This is a HUGE time in my life and in the course of my family, and I want to write about it! Not to mention all the "regular stuff" that I like to write about. I'm done being stifled, and I'm done being scared. IN the grand scheme of things, a URL is such a small thing anyway. :)

fun with Ben Folds

"You Don't Know Me"

Ben Folds feat. Regina Spektor

I wanna ask you -
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It's so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one's head?

Things I've felt but I've never said
You said things that I never said
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin
Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me (paint me)
Any face that you wanted me
To be seen.
We're
Damned by the existential moment where
We saw the couple in the coma and
It was we were the cliché,
But we carried on anyway.

So, sure, I could just close my eyes.
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,
But can you go back once you know

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me

If I'm the person that you think I am (Ah ah ahh)
Clueless chump you seem to think I am (Ah ah ahhh)
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the f**k would you want me back?!

Maybe it's because

(You don't know me at all)

Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

(You don't know me,
you don't know me.)

Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

So, what I'm trying to say is
What (What?)
I'm trying to tell you
It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you'll only change it.
(Say it.)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

What?

(Mmmm, ohh oh
Ah ah ah ah ah
Aha ah ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Aha ah
Ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh oh ohh)

and Aubrey was her name...

Today we found out you are a little girl. I am so happy as I have always wanted a daughter.

I look forward to and imagine looking through your eyes at a brand new world. A world full of wonder... colors, shapes, and smells... unlike the world I know of troubles, hurt, and betrayal. I know that I will never be able to protect you from these things, but how refreshing it will be to experience it all with you, watching you take it all in anew.

You'll flutter your little lashes as the wind touches your face, gaze wide-eyed as you look up at the stars for the first time, and squeal in delight at the fluffy white kitty that lives in the backyard. Our little dog Tina will be your best friend. She'll be just your size, perfect for your many adventures in the grass, and she'll fit in your doll clothes so you can dress her up pretty.

You will be my angel. I will teach you everything I can. I will be here for you to talk to, to confide in, and to cry with. I will always be there for you, in whatever capacity you need... and even when you don't. We will share sleepovers and tea parties, and dress up time. You'll prance around in my pretty shoes when they're still much too big for you, and have free reign to fill my purses with all of your little goodies. I'll be a rock for you to stand on, and have magic kisses to make your boo boo's all better. My life will be but to make yours better.

You will be a Daddy's girl, there is no question about that. If it is in any way possible, he is more excited about you than even I am. Like me, he frequently sheds tears of happiness at thoughts of you, and our future together. You will love your Daddy. He is a wonderful man, a man who will always look after you and protect you, and a man you will someday compare other men to. He will be your safe place, and with him you will never feel scared. He is my love, my best friend, and my soul mate. You are everything good about us as individuals, as well as a living piece of our undying love for each other.

But you will be you. You will have your own likes and dislikes. You will have your own opinions. You will make your own mistakes. You will find your own way. Your whimsical heart will want what it wants.... and you won't be able to help that. I believe you will be a person to love to everyone you meet. And we will love you and support you always.

My sweet angel, I am holding you and protecting you inside until you are ready for this world, and when you are, you will be welcomed with all the love in our hearts.

Love,

Mommy