lisa lampanelli.

OK I just have to say that I think I have met the coolest chick in the entire world this week.  Lisa Lampanelli... you have probably seen her on Comedy Central's Roast of Pam Anderson or in her Comedy Central Special.  Well, she is playing at the club this week and I think she is the coolest.

She hung out with Andrea and I last night after the show and I have to tell you, she has her shit together.  It's so awesome to talk to a woman who has totally made herself and is confident enough to admit that.  I always appreciate someone who can be real and tell you what you need to hear rather than what you want to hear. 

She may be the "Queen of Mean" onstage, but she is really a great person to talk with and could probably teach me many things! All I'm saying is I won't complain when she calls me a cunt or a twat because I know she means it with love. haha

love of your life.

As you may remember I decided this weekend to fight my innate urges to drunk dial in the evenings, and as I can honestly say that I am not drunk, I have indeed been drinking, so bear with me... this is my new alternative.

So I always hear that everyone has that "one" person in their life.   A person who you would give up everything and run to the ends of the earth for.  Someone with whom, no matter the time or distance between you, you will always be able to pick up right where you left off.  The one that is and will always be "the love of your life."  Well, what does that mean, exactly? Does that mean that no matter how hard you try to love someone else just as much, that you will never be sucessful? Or does it mean that this one person is truly "the one" you are supposed to be with for the rest of your life and if you missed the boat that you are just S.O.L.?

I am not entirely sure that I have a clear cut view on this issue, but it's hard not to at least consider it given the recent happenings in my life.  A few months ago I had the man who I consider to be that "one" for me right within my reach... so close that I could taste the kiss that will defne all others who come after him.  But I foolishly passed on my chance so that I could spend even more uneccessary time realizing what I had already known for quite some time about my present relationship.  I am now finding myself in a position of choice: I no longer have the obligations that initially held me back, but I am afraid that I have indeed missed the boat, and it is not willing to come back to get me.

I do not know that I can live with this quandry. Fate has somehow crossed our seemingly unlikely paths once again (how many chances can one girl get?!?) and I feel that I must do whatever it takes to follow through this time.  I do not know if I should make every effort possible to help him understand that I always have and always will feel that he is "the one" or if I should just chalk it up to bad decision making and give up on this chance forever?

drunk dialing.

Ok, so I have officially decided that I must CEASE with the drunk dialing.  It almost always involves calling the ex and making a complete fool of myself.  Why I feel the need to do this, I do not know, but it never fails... every weekend I go through the same motions. 

So last night I come home nice and sauced up ready for a real heart-to-heart with the man and lo and behold, he is not answering his phone! In my drunken mind this can only mean one thing... he's obviously screwing some other girl already. So after numerous calls gone unanswered, I decide to leave a message speaking my mind on this subject.  I think it pretty much went along the lines of slurring many words and making the accusation that I believed he was at the present moment occupied in bed with one of the hoochies that has been chasing him around since the day I met him. 

What's funny though, is after this lovely, several minute long message, I decide I feel guilty about this little maneuver and want to call back and apologize for my retardedness.  Well, this was a problem seeing as my mutiple long-winded messages have at this point somehow completely filled up his voicemailbox and I can no longer fix my little slip-up.  

So great, now I just look like a complete idiot and have to sit back and wait for him to call me and tell me so.  Lovely! I think I need an intervention..

sick.

Somehow I have managed to pick up a pesky stomach virus... not fun to say the least.  Unfortunately this just reaffirms how much is sucks to live alone.  No matter how shitty I feel I still have to get up to feed the cats, or go to the store when I run out of Gatorade and medicine.  I don't have anyone to intercept my phone calls or make sure I have enough blankets and plenty of movies to watch.  The list just keeps on multiplying... it sucks to grow up.  It's even worse to have to do it by yourself.

wednesday.

The precipice of a dream,
Realization of desires.

A frightful lingering of emotions
from my perch at the cusp of the future...

love smart.

One of the major dissapointments of my adult life has been finding out just how little being smart has to do with love. I've always relied on my brains to get me through, I've always secretly believed that I had a leg up in life because I was, if not the smartest person in the room, at least the one that the smartest person in the room would pick to talk to, and I figured that would make me good at love.

--Sarah Dunn, The Big Love

big love.

Maybe that's the problem.

Maybe it started out at love, but somewhere, somehow, something happened to it, and it became something else.

I want the BIG love.

thought.

Sometimes I wish I could be one of those people I see walking down the street who appear to have no inner world whatsoever-

People who manage to go through life without thinking about everything all the time...

dog tired.

So I am absolutely exhausted today. I don't even know how that's possible. I woke up on the couch at like 10:30 or something then went upstairs and lay awake until midnight. I can't seem to shake this weird feeling in my stomach. It's almost like I have this premonition that something bad is happening on the horizon. I'm sure it has to do with the uncertainty in so many levels of my life right now, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to sleep.

I wish that making decisions and following through with them was not such a taxing effort. I thought that maybe I would be able to relax a little bit once I got my life in order, but unfortunately "getting my life in order" has turned it upside down.

I guess only time will tell...

laundry.

So I did your laundry this morning... it was weird putting what little there was into empty drawers. I wear your t-shirts because they still smell like you and it helps me sleep. How pathetic do I sound? As if this wasn't my own fault... as if I didn't do this to myself?

late at night.

It seems so strange to me to be alone.
Maybe it's not so much the aloneness that its strange, but the
absence I feel.
I find myself running in circles to keep up with myself,
But at the end of each day, when I crawl into bed, it is too quiet.
Though I try so hard not to... I miss you.