Wednesday, May 31, 2006


I am not an idiot- I know people read my blogs. I kept a few of them private for a while, and a few more only to where people on my friends list could view them. But for some reason the other day, I made them all public. I guess I just decided that it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe people need to see what I am thinking and feeling about things. Maybe I'm tired of being the only person who knows that I hurt. Maybe I want people to see that I'm trying to be happy- in spite of the unfortunate cards that I have been dealt in the last few months. 

And you- you know who you are- I don't want you to think I've forgotten. I don't want you to think I write to hurt you. Honestly, I didnt think you would be interested enough to read anyway. I always secretly hoped you would- I used to write about you all the time. I wrote about us, good or bad, with the thought that maybe it would help you understand. Understand that I still love you and I probably always will. I can't change that, and I don't want to. And now, it's out in the open. You can see it plainly here now and so can everyone else. And I dont care who knows. Everyone thinks I'm nuts for caring about you after everything that's happened- but I dont care. I can't help the way I feel just like you can't help the way you feel about your situation. 

Anyway- there it is. No sugar coating, no lies. And yes- I am still going to Vegas, and I am still going to have a great time with someone who does not complicate my life. I'm not trying to marry the guy, but I deserve to have fun too. Just like you needed to get away the other night- so do I. I wish you could understand that. After all- I'm not the one who put us in this situation. But sometimes, it seems like I'm the only one interested in fixing it. 

At the end of the day, I just keep missing you.

Friday, May 26, 2006

one week.

This is the last weekend before my big Vegas trip. The scandalous rendezvous with the sexy older man in my life. Can I believe it? No. Am I totally stoked? Hell yes. 

I cannot even believe this is happening to me. A real, flesh & blood, awesome guy who I have the most engaging conversations with & have the most incredible time with has taken to flying me all over the country to hang out with him. And considering all the bullshit I have been through in the past several months- it is a welcome respite.

Between falling in love with the man of my dreams, being loved by the man of my dreams, crazy psycho slut bag bitches trying to kill me, boys who cannot make up their minds, near-death hospital visits, and things that I can't even remember... I have had quite the interesting year already.

So, now I'm thinking... IT'S MY TURN for crying out loud! I deserve something good in my life! I am a good person and I need other good people in my life. People who don't take me for granted. People who care about me for REAL & don't have any problem committing to that. People who appreciate what they find in me & people who make actual time for me.

Here we go- I'm gearing up and getting REALLY excited! And I know that seeing Mr. OC again will totally make my month!

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

vegas baby.

WOW! Despite my negativity and tendencies to assume the worst, it is actually happening! 

I just got my itenerary in my email confirming my plane tickets to VEGAS!! Holy Crap! Did I mention I'm starting to feel very "Pretty Woman" in this situation? 

So, I am SOOO excited, I can hardly wait!! 3 1/2 weeks to wait. But that's ok... everyone knows I work so much that time really flies around here. 

Who knew Mr. O.C. was this spontaneous and fun?!?