shopgirl.

So I just finished watching "Shopgirl" for like, the 85th time since I was turned onto it. No matter how many times I see it, it always provokes the same feelings in me. It is so familiar. Actually, it's too familiar. One of the things I love the most about this movie is that Alli suggested it to me. She wanted me to see it because it made her think of me. Oh, you wise, wise, woman. You never cease to amaze me and I love ya for it. You, I think are one of the few people who really, truly understands what's going on with me. 

I think it struck me so this time because of the long, deep talk Mr. OC and I had just yesterday. It was a talk about futures, a talk about serious feelings and what may or may not be possible for the two of us. At this moment I feel like I am standing in Mirabelle's shoes wading through a relationship with Ray Porter. (Don't get it? Rent the movie.) 

There are so many poignant moments in the movie that I cannot help but relate to myself, and wonder if they are a possibility for me. Needless to say, I understand the complexity of the situation. There is no doubt about that. However, I do not understand WHY it must be so complicated. I used to believe that it was possible to be involved with someone without being attached. God knows I've done it many times. I'm usually quite talented at pushing the boundaries out to where they fit the terms. Turns out, it's not so easy when you are face to face with the person you've been waiting for and they are just not so sure. 

Maybe I'm just young and stupid. Maybe I've deluded myself to the wiles of the world. Maybe I am too sheltered and too giving and too ready to immerse myself. Maybe I'm afraid that I'm about to turn 25, and I don't even have any worthwhile prospects of a serious relationship in my life. I used to think that I would be the first. I was always the one with the serious boyfriend and that had been dating him the longest. I, in a perfect world, would have been done by now. I would at least be married and probably about ready to have my 1st child. What happened to that? And worse, what if it never happens? What if I continue down this road of dead end relationships and never make any real headway? Somehow I can't shake the feeling that I'm holding out on purpose. That I'm meant for something more. For something that will knock my socks off, because it hadn't happened yet.

But I digress... so back to my point.

I'm thinking of asking him to watch this movie. Not to be offensive, but to help him understand what my concerns and questions are about this relationship. Maybe he will agree. He could surprise me... he does that so often. Just when I'm certain that I know what he's thinking, he usually throws me for a loop. 

On the one hand, he is so tender and caring for me. He calls me to check on me when I'm sick. He sends me funny emails and texts when he knows I am stressed or down. He whisks me all over the country and treats me like a princess in the process. No flaws in that, right? Of course not- if that's all it's going to be. But what if I want more?

He knows me better than anyone I have ever dated knows me. He knows about my dark inwardness, and he knows what my pensive quiet moments mean. I love that. No one had ever "gotten" me quite the way he does. My fear is that he doesn't want another serious relationship. He has been married already. He has a kid already. (and as far as I'm concerned, that's fantastic!) But I'm afraid he wouldn't do it again. He somtimes seems so wrapped up in the fact that he's almost 40 that he cannot see past the end of his nose to what is staring him in the face. (Or better, WHO, is staring him in the face.)

I don't know why I am having all these aprehensions and concerns at this particular time. Maybe it's because it's the holidays & people do weird things around the holidays. Who knows. What I do know is he will be here, just for me, in just 3 weeks and I cannot wait to see what happens next.

epiphany.

"Life is not about finding yourself-
Life is about creating yourself."

--George Bernard Shaw

wreck of day.

Driving away from the wreck of the day, 
and the light's always red in the rearview.

Desperately close to a coffin of hope,
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you.

And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up.
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, 
Giving up on love, on love.

Driving awawy from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking about calling on Jesus.
'Cause love doesnt hurt, 
So i know im not falling in love, 
I'm just falling to pieces.

And if this is giving up, then im giving up, 
If this is giing up, then I'm giving up,
Giving up on love, on love.

And maybe I'm not above being a victim of love,
All my resistance will never be distance at all.

Driving away from the wreck of the day, 
And it's finally quiet in my head.
Driving alone, I'm finally on my way home
to the comfort of my bed.

And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up.
If this is giving up, then I'm giving, im giving up, 
On love, on love.

nowhere warm.

Just when you think you have life figured out...

And I know there will be people reading this who may freak out, assume whatever, and ask a zillion questions, but I don't care. I gotta get it out of my head or I will never get to sleep. This is the third night in a row that I haven't been able to sleep.

I thought I knew what was going on in my life. I thought I knew what could pull my heart strings and what no longer could. Unfortunately I was mistaken. How many rules can I break? 

How many lives can I make? I can only juggle for so long before my arms are going to get tired and I collapse. It seems that once I feel I have sucessfully closed the doors that were distracting me so that I could move forward and just focus for once, I turn around and there's a whole new set of doors that I thought I took care of already.

How many mistakes am I allowed before I just lose everything? What I do not understand, is why, if I know better, I can let things get so complicated? 

I was O.K. I was sane. I was collected and secure in the events transpiring in my life. I knew where I stood and where everyone else stood too, for that matter. This is the problem with letting my heart speak up louder than my head. I listen to that stupid stupid voice that tells me who I care about and what makes me feel good and carefully ignore the intuition that tells me if he hurt me once he will inevitably hurt me again.

So I'm afraid. Because now, I find myself in a lose/lose situation. If I turn away, I will be anguished by my yearning heart and it's sad misunderstanding of what is best for me. If I do not turn away I will become wound so tightly around the situation that when it eventually snaps I will be so, so much worse for the wear.

And yet, all I can do is close my eyes. I close my eyes and I am overwhelmed with the wave of intense feelings and memories that consume the part of my life that I tried so earnestly to forget. I had to tuck the bleating sounds of them into the darkest, farthest corners of my mind, locking them away until they finally gave up fighting me. I do not want to fight with them anymore. I want them to go away, but I cannot untangle my fingers from grasping them long enough to let them go. They are like the most potent and dangerous drug ever imagined. 

But of course it's a drug. 
After all, that's all that love is anyway.

thx to andi.

"You aren't going to be her 1st, her last, or her only... shes loved before; she will love again. 

But if she loves you now, what else matters? 

Shes not perfect - you're not either. 

If she can make you laugh and if she admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can. 

Shes not going to be thinking about you every moment of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows YOU can break - her heart. 

So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. 

Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad and miss her when she's not there. 

Because perfect girls don't exist, but there's always ONE girl that is perfect for you."

today.

This is your life.

Right now.

It's happening all around you.

It doesn't wait for you to pick yourself back up.