Tuesday, November 14, 2006

nowhere warm.

Just when you think you have life figured out...

And I know there will be people reading this who may freak out, assume whatever, and ask a zillion questions, but I don't care. I gotta get it out of my head or I will never get to sleep. This is the third night in a row that I haven't been able to sleep.

I thought I knew what was going on in my life. I thought I knew what could pull my heart strings and what no longer could. Unfortunately I was mistaken. How many rules can I break? 

How many lives can I make? I can only juggle for so long before my arms are going to get tired and I collapse. It seems that once I feel I have sucessfully closed the doors that were distracting me so that I could move forward and just focus for once, I turn around and there's a whole new set of doors that I thought I took care of already.

How many mistakes am I allowed before I just lose everything? What I do not understand, is why, if I know better, I can let things get so complicated? 

I was O.K. I was sane. I was collected and secure in the events transpiring in my life. I knew where I stood and where everyone else stood too, for that matter. This is the problem with letting my heart speak up louder than my head. I listen to that stupid stupid voice that tells me who I care about and what makes me feel good and carefully ignore the intuition that tells me if he hurt me once he will inevitably hurt me again.

So I'm afraid. Because now, I find myself in a lose/lose situation. If I turn away, I will be anguished by my yearning heart and it's sad misunderstanding of what is best for me. If I do not turn away I will become wound so tightly around the situation that when it eventually snaps I will be so, so much worse for the wear.

And yet, all I can do is close my eyes. I close my eyes and I am overwhelmed with the wave of intense feelings and memories that consume the part of my life that I tried so earnestly to forget. I had to tuck the bleating sounds of them into the darkest, farthest corners of my mind, locking them away until they finally gave up fighting me. I do not want to fight with them anymore. I want them to go away, but I cannot untangle my fingers from grasping them long enough to let them go. They are like the most potent and dangerous drug ever imagined. 

But of course it's a drug. 
After all, that's all that love is anyway.

No comments:

Post a Comment