saddam.

Ok, so I decided yesterday to hunt down and watch the Saddam Hussein execution video. For anyone who has been living in a hole for the last week, Saddam was scheduled to be executed this weekend by way of hanging. 

First of all, it is somewhat surprising that they decided to hang him. I guess I am just one of those anethetized Americans who forgets that in other parts of the world there are horribly appalling things happening on a daily basis. Please do not misunderstand that statement. I in no way think that Hussein deserved to live out the remainder of his life locked up behind bars, pulling the puppet strings of his minions from confinement. I agree with the judgement, I was just not prepared to see what I saw.

Moving on... The aparatus used to hang someone is something that I take for granted would have to be constructed for an occasion such as this. I, however, was very wrong. You see in the video this structure (and I did look online to see if I could find the proper name for this Hangman's apparatus, with no luck whatsoever.) A structure that has clearly been around for quite some time. There are years on the scaffolding that have probably seen hundreds if not thousands of men die in a noose. It is constructed indoors in balcony fashion so that the viewers may see the whole process from above or below. When the doors drop open, the spectators below witness the person drop down right in front of them. It's bizzare, and yet a reinforcement to the way less humane societies still operate.

Like I said, I was not prepared to see what I saw. Hussein refused to wear the hood traditionally used to cover the executionee's head. Was this pride? Was this an attempt to insure that the world would be positive that they received their justice? I don't know... but it certainly created the opportunity to make a more dramatic scene. I sat here knowing what I was about to witness, watching them pray and watching him, with his saccharine smirk preparing himself mentally for the last moment of his life. I am looking forward, in the insuing days, for the translation of the video to emerge so that we may know what is being said in his last moments. For the reality of the situation is, that he was mid-sentence when the executioners dropped the doors from beneath him. My stomach dropped at this same instant and my heart pounded for nearly an hour afterwards.

I do not know why this event rendered such a physical response in me. This man could easily be considered this era's "Hitler". It is said that he is responsible for over one million deaths in the Middle East, and that is not even including the countless hundreds of soldiers whose lives were lost in warfare with this man and his subservients. To watch him dangle on that rope, his head twisted in such a way that no person's head should ever be twisted from it's body, was indescribable. It was almost stoic the way the light came through the hatch, open from above, and shone on his lifeless face below. His experssion was that of almost satisfaction, and that alone infuriated me. There seemed no trace of fear, no trace of regret. I believe he felt a sense of honor in his death, and for that reason I believe the execution was a waste on him. He did not suffer like the people he tortured and killed. He did not die in worry for his loved ones like the people he tore from families, and from perfectly good lives. He died knowing that his legacy will live on, and that the rule by his horrible regime will forever be fused in the hearts of the world. It most certainly will not be an event that I will soon forget.

Some have told me it's "sick" to want to watch that. I searched and watched the Nick Berg beheading as well back in 2004. Maybe it is "sick" but I firmly believe that knowledge is power. And in order to be the most well-informed citizen, and most well-rounded individual, that I must see and hear and read as much as is accessible in all dimensions of society. My heart bled for Nick Berg, and I cried for the injustice and inhumanity done to he and his family. I suppose some part of me needed to know that Saddam was actually dead. Needed to know because I have been hearing about him and his vile ways my entire life. Maybe more importantly because there are people that I love who are involved and who have been involved in the wars overseas. Because, were it not for this man, there would be none of our loved ones over there in the first place, and there would not be such political unrest in our own society. 

Hopefully this event can bring some peace to a world that has been darkened for far too long.

impatience.

These are perfect words to sum up my week so far...

God, help me not to be impatient, but to wait upon You and what You want to bless me with. Give me the strength not to give in to the way the world runs life, because I know that You have all of my steps designed. 

(Thanks to Joel) haha

osteen.

I have never been a religious person. I have never attended church on a regular basis, nor have I ever actually been a member of a congregation. That's ok with me. I am spiritual and I know what I believe and that is good enough for me. Since moving to Houston almost 3 years ago, I could not help but hear of Lakewood Church and its minister Joel Osteen. While I have never attended Lakewood Church, I frequently watch Joel's sermon on TV on Sunday nights. It is always refreshing, and no matter what it is that I am struggling with, I can turn on his sermon and he will inevitably be speaking about whatever it is I'm going through.

Tonight it struck me hard because his sermon was called "Sowing the Seed in your Time of Need". He was talking specifically about relationships and when other people hurt you. He recounted the story of a woman friend of his who repeatedly found herself giving and giving of herself only to continue to get hurt by the guys she dated. Hmmm... sound familiar? Does to me! Anyway, the things he said really made me feel better about the things that happened this weekend and gave me hope that someday I will find someone who really cares for me the way I care for them.

Good ol' Joel. Thanks buddy.

the notebook.

I don't know what it is with me and movies lately. Apparently my movie selections need to be evaluated a little more carefully as to not throw me into a whirlwind of emotion and questions.

I wrote about The Notebook once before. But not publicly. I wrote about it to a dear friend, perhaps the love of my life, that I let slip away from me because of my foolish pride and my uneccesary concern for the feelings of others. If I would stop for a moment and think about what I want for once, maybe the decisions in my life would turn out differently. Now, I fear that I have lost him forever, and that I will never have a chance to make things right again. He's gone. So far gone that he's overseas. We have barely spoken over the last 2 years except him calling me to say he has been called away to war. And now I think about him almost daily, wondering how he is, if he will ever come home, and how things might have been different. What would our lives be like now if I, instead of taking the "safe" road, had stood in that gazeebo in Lubbock, Texas, knowing full well that it would be the last time I saw him, and grabbed him in my arms and let us just be us. He was always the one. From the beginning he was always the one.

I stopped watching The Notebook after the last time I saw him. It was too hard. It's the only story I have ever seen that makes me feel the way I felt when I was with him. I decided I needed to let it go- to let him have his life and let things happen the way they are meant to happen. So I stopped watching it. Until today. And it never fails. It solicits the same emotions in me every time. Emotions that I thought I had forgotten about. That had been pushed aside and replaced with new ones. But that's not the case. They are still there, and the more I think about it, I believe they will always be there. And they will always be as strong as they were when I was 18 and I met my soul mate.


"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul, that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me, and that's what I hope to give to you forever." --Noah Calhoun

shopgirl.

So I just finished watching "Shopgirl" for like, the 85th time since I was turned onto it. No matter how many times I see it, it always provokes the same feelings in me. It is so familiar. Actually, it's too familiar. One of the things I love the most about this movie is that Alli suggested it to me. She wanted me to see it because it made her think of me. Oh, you wise, wise, woman. You never cease to amaze me and I love ya for it. You, I think are one of the few people who really, truly understands what's going on with me. 

I think it struck me so this time because of the long, deep talk Mr. OC and I had just yesterday. It was a talk about futures, a talk about serious feelings and what may or may not be possible for the two of us. At this moment I feel like I am standing in Mirabelle's shoes wading through a relationship with Ray Porter. (Don't get it? Rent the movie.) 

There are so many poignant moments in the movie that I cannot help but relate to myself, and wonder if they are a possibility for me. Needless to say, I understand the complexity of the situation. There is no doubt about that. However, I do not understand WHY it must be so complicated. I used to believe that it was possible to be involved with someone without being attached. God knows I've done it many times. I'm usually quite talented at pushing the boundaries out to where they fit the terms. Turns out, it's not so easy when you are face to face with the person you've been waiting for and they are just not so sure. 

Maybe I'm just young and stupid. Maybe I've deluded myself to the wiles of the world. Maybe I am too sheltered and too giving and too ready to immerse myself. Maybe I'm afraid that I'm about to turn 25, and I don't even have any worthwhile prospects of a serious relationship in my life. I used to think that I would be the first. I was always the one with the serious boyfriend and that had been dating him the longest. I, in a perfect world, would have been done by now. I would at least be married and probably about ready to have my 1st child. What happened to that? And worse, what if it never happens? What if I continue down this road of dead end relationships and never make any real headway? Somehow I can't shake the feeling that I'm holding out on purpose. That I'm meant for something more. For something that will knock my socks off, because it hadn't happened yet.

But I digress... so back to my point.

I'm thinking of asking him to watch this movie. Not to be offensive, but to help him understand what my concerns and questions are about this relationship. Maybe he will agree. He could surprise me... he does that so often. Just when I'm certain that I know what he's thinking, he usually throws me for a loop. 

On the one hand, he is so tender and caring for me. He calls me to check on me when I'm sick. He sends me funny emails and texts when he knows I am stressed or down. He whisks me all over the country and treats me like a princess in the process. No flaws in that, right? Of course not- if that's all it's going to be. But what if I want more?

He knows me better than anyone I have ever dated knows me. He knows about my dark inwardness, and he knows what my pensive quiet moments mean. I love that. No one had ever "gotten" me quite the way he does. My fear is that he doesn't want another serious relationship. He has been married already. He has a kid already. (and as far as I'm concerned, that's fantastic!) But I'm afraid he wouldn't do it again. He somtimes seems so wrapped up in the fact that he's almost 40 that he cannot see past the end of his nose to what is staring him in the face. (Or better, WHO, is staring him in the face.)

I don't know why I am having all these aprehensions and concerns at this particular time. Maybe it's because it's the holidays & people do weird things around the holidays. Who knows. What I do know is he will be here, just for me, in just 3 weeks and I cannot wait to see what happens next.

epiphany.

"Life is not about finding yourself-
Life is about creating yourself."

--George Bernard Shaw

wreck of day.

Driving away from the wreck of the day, 
and the light's always red in the rearview.

Desperately close to a coffin of hope,
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you.

And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up.
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, 
Giving up on love, on love.

Driving awawy from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking about calling on Jesus.
'Cause love doesnt hurt, 
So i know im not falling in love, 
I'm just falling to pieces.

And if this is giving up, then im giving up, 
If this is giing up, then I'm giving up,
Giving up on love, on love.

And maybe I'm not above being a victim of love,
All my resistance will never be distance at all.

Driving away from the wreck of the day, 
And it's finally quiet in my head.
Driving alone, I'm finally on my way home
to the comfort of my bed.

And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up.
If this is giving up, then I'm giving, im giving up, 
On love, on love.

nowhere warm.

Just when you think you have life figured out...

And I know there will be people reading this who may freak out, assume whatever, and ask a zillion questions, but I don't care. I gotta get it out of my head or I will never get to sleep. This is the third night in a row that I haven't been able to sleep.

I thought I knew what was going on in my life. I thought I knew what could pull my heart strings and what no longer could. Unfortunately I was mistaken. How many rules can I break? 

How many lives can I make? I can only juggle for so long before my arms are going to get tired and I collapse. It seems that once I feel I have sucessfully closed the doors that were distracting me so that I could move forward and just focus for once, I turn around and there's a whole new set of doors that I thought I took care of already.

How many mistakes am I allowed before I just lose everything? What I do not understand, is why, if I know better, I can let things get so complicated? 

I was O.K. I was sane. I was collected and secure in the events transpiring in my life. I knew where I stood and where everyone else stood too, for that matter. This is the problem with letting my heart speak up louder than my head. I listen to that stupid stupid voice that tells me who I care about and what makes me feel good and carefully ignore the intuition that tells me if he hurt me once he will inevitably hurt me again.

So I'm afraid. Because now, I find myself in a lose/lose situation. If I turn away, I will be anguished by my yearning heart and it's sad misunderstanding of what is best for me. If I do not turn away I will become wound so tightly around the situation that when it eventually snaps I will be so, so much worse for the wear.

And yet, all I can do is close my eyes. I close my eyes and I am overwhelmed with the wave of intense feelings and memories that consume the part of my life that I tried so earnestly to forget. I had to tuck the bleating sounds of them into the darkest, farthest corners of my mind, locking them away until they finally gave up fighting me. I do not want to fight with them anymore. I want them to go away, but I cannot untangle my fingers from grasping them long enough to let them go. They are like the most potent and dangerous drug ever imagined. 

But of course it's a drug. 
After all, that's all that love is anyway.

thx to andi.

"You aren't going to be her 1st, her last, or her only... shes loved before; she will love again. 

But if she loves you now, what else matters? 

Shes not perfect - you're not either. 

If she can make you laugh and if she admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can. 

Shes not going to be thinking about you every moment of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows YOU can break - her heart. 

So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. 

Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad and miss her when she's not there. 

Because perfect girls don't exist, but there's always ONE girl that is perfect for you."

today.

This is your life.

Right now.

It's happening all around you.

It doesn't wait for you to pick yourself back up.

do i play 2nd?

I have lots of things running around in my head so I'm not sure how to even approach this. But lately I've been feeling like I'm playing 2nd all the time. I know that I am my own person and that I am fully capable of having my own situations and carrying on my own life. However, I find myself in all these situations where I feel like I'm just the "supporting actor". Not that I'm a conceited, self-centered person or anything, but when is it ever going to be about me?

No one ever asks how I'm doing, and when they do, it seems like their attention span isnt even long enough to hear my response. I listen to everyone's problems, advise on everyone elses concerns and smile in the background while someone else takes the spotlight. I think at some point I just got tired of trying to compete with all the "shining stars" around me and just gave up. I suppose that's why I know so many people, but don't really "know" them. And it's also a real possibility that so many people that I have met before more often than not don't even remember me. 

I think it's sad. Makes me kinda feel like a chump. Not cool.

life's changes.

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. 

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. 

You look at what you're studying or your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. 

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. 

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. 

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone! but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now youare scared just to be a contender! 

What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Send this to your friends... maybe it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion... 

down time.

Ok, so... in light of my new situation I have found myself having quite a bit of free time on my hands. Honestly, I enjoy it very much but somehow always seem drawn to the hustle and bustle of keeping myself as busy as possible. So, instead of enjoying my afternoons and such, I find myself making camp in Buckley's extra office working on my briefs and helping Crystal asnwer phones, just to stay busy. 

Oh, well... I guess that's just my nature! I can't help it, I'm a workaholic or something. Nothing wrong with that I guess, but I will be glad when I am not juggling two jobs at the same time. Working alot is not a problem... working just as hard in two different fields is what seems to wear me down these days. 

Crystal was right- I am definitely reading about some disturbing lives and it's hard not to let your emotions get involved. I guess that will just take time and practice to master looking past it.

Ok, enough babbling for now. I do have to send congrats out to Jerry Wayne for the big news he just delivered me... YEAH FOR YOU! It's about damn time!! haha

news.

Ok, who's ready to hear the story?

Last Friday I had a huge falling out with my boss. It was a long time coming, I guess but it pushed me to do what I have been needing to do for a long time: move on. Of course I was upset and feeling irrational, and I would have never made it through the day without my friends rallying around me. 

Andrea pushed me out of the nest and Crystal caught me. haha. Without the encouragement of Andrea to get the hell out and both her and Crystal's support in finding a new destination, I may not have made this step that I have been needing to make for months. And I am so grateful. I am still stunned by the fact that it took less than 3 hours to find a new job. And not just a job, but something that I have the potential to do really well at and even make a career of. Thank you so much girls for having my back and helping me get out of that volatile situation. :) I owe you BIG TIME!

SO anyway- on to Sean Buckley's office to write briefs for he and Crystal and back to a normal life. No more working 70 hour weeks. No more being on call 24 hours a day. No more of my cell phone blowing up all the time. No more running bullshit errands all the time. No more picking up the pieces.

AND I can FINALLY take a vacation!! I have had a WHOPPING 2.5 days off this year and I think I'm due. Yea!!

On top of all that I am moving on Saturday to a new, cheaper apartment so not only will I be making more money, but I will be spending less. Works out pretty well I think. It's funny how all this happened in only a matter of a week. 

Wish me luck, and keep in touch and you can email me at rceezee@sbcglobal.net and my cell phone number will be the same!

Thanks again girls for making it possible to change my life for the better! It was about time... :)

it's time.

It is time.

It is time for me to make a move in my life. 

I am tired of sitting idly by and waiting for my life to happen to me. It's time for me to do something about it. To be proactive. To become something. To find what I've been looking for this whole time. It's time for me to get my shit together. To make up my mind. To be decisive. To be honest. TO BE WHO I WAS MEANT TO BE.

Because right now, I'm not. 

I deserve a life. I deserve someone in my life who means something to me. And I deserve to be happy. It's time for me to make that happen. I am the only one who can do that. And I will.

I will...

everything in between.

So it's been quite some time since I posted anything... it appears that I am WAY overdue. The last posing was about my Mr. OC coming to visit me in Houston. Now, this was a monumental thing because Houston is where we met but since then he has been whisking me off to Vegas, California and the like to visit. BUT since we both have an open weekend, he decided to come visit me back here. 

And I must say- I totally love that. Houston is my town. I know the scene and my friends are here. So after 5 months he was finally getting the opportunity to seal the stamp of approval from the Houston gang. Let's just say he passed with flying colors! Even amongst the toughest of critics (my gay guys) he shone like a rockstar!! Of course this is no surprise to me because I already knew how special he is and because I know he is such a good fit for me, that they would all love him as well. :) Needless to say it was a great weekend!!

Last weekend I flew out to Orange County (at which point this is where I give my Nessa a HUGE shout out!) and it was breathtaking. I've pretty much never been anywhere and since I met Bob I've been to Vegas and now California. Did I mention it was beautiful? I was beside myself all weekend long. It was amazing being in his element too. I finally got to watch him in action doing the thing he lives for (surfing) and got to see everything that makes him who he is. 

Until last weekend, I thought the whole "long walks on the beach" thing was so cliche and cheezy, but not anymore. I had never been happier!! You can see it on my face in the picure I posted of us. I can honestly say that I never in my life have seen a picture that I could look at and be amazed by the true, natural, expression of happiness on my face. And it fits. I like to see myself that way and I never have.

zzz.

That's not a very accurate title. Because I am not doing any sleeping right now. I'm restless. I'm thinking too much and it's not letting me sleep. Thinking about how complicated my life has gotten. How the coolest guy I've ever met lives on the opposite side of the country. We're keeping it casual- I mean, realistically, how often can we see each other? I can't make a commitment to a guy I hardly ever see! Am I dating? No. Have I been hooking up with other guys? No. Why? Because I don't want to. At the end of the day I would rather go home alone than be with someone else. It's really ridiculous when it comes right down to it. And yet, I feel myself getting immersed in it more and more every day. It appears that he has more self control than I do because he doesnt get all swept up and mushy about things. Unless he's been out drinking. 

Then it comes out. The infamous drunk dial. The inhibitions are lowered and Mr. "Together" becomes a big softie. I think he might be afraid of me. Afraid of what I mean and how I may play into his life. I think he's afraid that if he lets himself care about me too much that it's going to screw things up for him. He's got it together. He's got a great job, he travels, he gets to do whatever he wants on the weekends, and he has no obligations. Nice little bubble he lives in there in Orange County. 

Then I come along. I am unexpected. I am young and free and do not have the baggage women his age have. I think I have thrown him off course. He remembers the most obscure details of my life. Details that guys I was with for years didn't even remember. He tells me constantly how much I surprise him and how he continues to be more impressed by me every day. He tells me I am the coolest chick he has ever met and why hasn't someone snatched me up yet? He tells me all kinds of things that you only tell someone you're really interested.   

But he lives in California. And I live in Texas.

rules.

Rules of Drunk Dialing:

1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false
advertisement.

2.It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't
remember
it, it didn't happen.

3.If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. "Mom I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you"

4.Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something.

5.Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their
friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come.

6.Drunk texting is alright... If you are prepared to read what you
wrote the next day when you are sober.

7.It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night.

8.You can also call this same ex and let her know, that you know, that she still loves you. Then explain to her that I would still love me too!

9.If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.

10.It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.

11.Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex
crazed...Never angry.

12.Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem".

13.If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.

14.Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing.

15.If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing.

16. Drunk dialing to foreign country is usually too costly to be a good idea. But if you really feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, break rule 15 and use a friend's phone.

17.Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing.... Be prepared.

18.When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the A.M. usually doesn't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when your drunk..... "you want me to do what with your box? Play with it?"

19.Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up
with you blow drying your phone when your far to drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night.

20.Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher, grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers

addendum.

I feel that I must issue an andendum to my last blog. It seems I have somewhat offended some of the guys I used to date. I greatly apologize. I do not truly think that any of you are worthless. Nor do I think that the relationships were worthless. I think that my jaded perception on my past has come only recently from someone who hurt me and took advantage of my good nature and genuine concern for the well being of other people. Over the course of the last 3 years there have been 2 serious relationships that have greatly affected me and remain fresh in the front of my mind. It is these relationships that caused the comments that have proved to be offensive to people who most certainly do not deserve anything but my best wishes and happy intentions!

So many of you have made a profound impact on my life and I would like to thank you for being a part of it and feel so gracious that we are still able remain friends throughout the years. 

fantasy weekend.

Now that it's been a couple of days, I think I have come off my little cloud enough to write a bit.

Everyone knows that Vegas is awesome. You literally cannot go wrong no matter what you do. All of the major hotels are great, the food is fantastic, the entertainment is unmatched, and the clubs are always bumpin. Even if you don't gamble (which I really don't) there are still endless things to do. That being said- you would think a vacation on those terms could not get much better.  

I went out there trying to be as unassuming as possible. Ok- first of all, this guy finds me interesting enough to want to spend time with me. This is a good thing. On top of that, he thinks enough of me to fly me out there and set it all up so that I do not have to lift a finger other than packing a bag and showing up at the airport. Pretty nice little package deal, am I wrong? Needless to say, I didn't know quite what to expect. I obviously like the guy, find him interesting and engaging and whatnot, or else I don't think I would have bothered trying to spend three whole days with him again. 

So he's totally adorable when I get in... not in a cutesy way- obviously he's an attractive man- I'm talking fidgety and nervous to the point where I could totally tell he didn't know what to expect from me any more than did I know what to expect from him. Anyway- that didn't last long at all, and I knew it wouldn't. Because in spite of everything else that I find so attractive about him, probably my favorite thing is the conversation we have. We literally talked non-stop the entire trip. Never have I been around someone for such a long period of time and not run out of things to talk about. 

That could be because we have eighty million things in common- which is also a first for me. And I'm starting to notice a trend here- namely that things are so easy with Mr. OC. Not easy like everything's handed to me, but easy like this is the way things were supposed to be all along. Had I known that things could be like this with a guy, I would not have wasted so much time on the other worthless guys I have dated in the past. I am learning- which is good- who wants to go through their entire life not learning anything new? I'm learning that it's ok to not be the strong one, it's ok to let him take the lead, it's ok to not be so neurotic about stupid small things. Wow- is this actually a grown-up I am dealing with? Amazing.

I digress... so the weekend was fabulous. Suite at a four star hotel, fine dining at fancy restaurants, laughing and playing at the pool, sightseeing, hitting up some INCREDIBLE clubs, and high end shopping. It was hard to leave. Yes the trip was fun- but the man was better! That was the part that was hard to leave. And here is where I find my problem.

Stupid me- did I forget that he lives in California? And that I live in Texas? And if I'm LUCKY I may get to see him once every several weeks? This was not the kind of weekend you walk away from feeling nonchalant about. You don't have offhand memories of a weekend like this. I'm invested. I'm wrapped up. I'm upside down for crying out loud! This is not what I wanted to be feeling. I wanted to go, have a good time, come home, and not think too much about it until maybe we got the chance to see each other again. Not happening. Not at all. 

So now what? Do I play it cool and wait it out? Do I become more aggressive and make some pro-active moves? Do I just stop thinking about it and let it run its course? I don't know... I do know that he called me 3 times when I was at the airport on my way back home. And I also know I've gotten more emails and texts than ever before from him this week. And it's only been 3 days. 

I can say that from the pictures I have showed other people, I am getting the same reaction- "Wow, Rach, you look so happy." Imagine that. I never knew that I didn't always look happy. I guess he brings out the best in me. But I already knew that...

blogs.

I am not an idiot- I know people read my blogs. I kept a few of them private for a while, and a few more only to where people on my friends list could view them. But for some reason the other day, I made them all public. I guess I just decided that it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe people need to see what I am thinking and feeling about things. Maybe I'm tired of being the only person who knows that I hurt. Maybe I want people to see that I'm trying to be happy- in spite of the unfortunate cards that I have been dealt in the last few months. 

And you- you know who you are- I don't want you to think I've forgotten. I don't want you to think I write to hurt you. Honestly, I didnt think you would be interested enough to read anyway. I always secretly hoped you would- I used to write about you all the time. I wrote about us, good or bad, with the thought that maybe it would help you understand. Understand that I still love you and I probably always will. I can't change that, and I don't want to. And now, it's out in the open. You can see it plainly here now and so can everyone else. And I dont care who knows. Everyone thinks I'm nuts for caring about you after everything that's happened- but I dont care. I can't help the way I feel just like you can't help the way you feel about your situation. 

Anyway- there it is. No sugar coating, no lies. And yes- I am still going to Vegas, and I am still going to have a great time with someone who does not complicate my life. I'm not trying to marry the guy, but I deserve to have fun too. Just like you needed to get away the other night- so do I. I wish you could understand that. After all- I'm not the one who put us in this situation. But sometimes, it seems like I'm the only one interested in fixing it. 

At the end of the day, I just keep missing you.

one week.

This is the last weekend before my big Vegas trip. The scandalous rendezvous with the sexy older man in my life. Can I believe it? No. Am I totally stoked? Hell yes. 

I cannot even believe this is happening to me. A real, flesh & blood, awesome guy who I have the most engaging conversations with & have the most incredible time with has taken to flying me all over the country to hang out with him. And considering all the bullshit I have been through in the past several months- it is a welcome respite.

Between falling in love with the man of my dreams, being loved by the man of my dreams, crazy psycho slut bag bitches trying to kill me, boys who cannot make up their minds, near-death hospital visits, and things that I can't even remember... I have had quite the interesting year already.

So, now I'm thinking... IT'S MY TURN for crying out loud! I deserve something good in my life! I am a good person and I need other good people in my life. People who don't take me for granted. People who care about me for REAL & don't have any problem committing to that. People who appreciate what they find in me & people who make actual time for me.

Here we go- I'm gearing up and getting REALLY excited! And I know that seeing Mr. OC again will totally make my month!

vegas baby.

WOW! Despite my negativity and tendencies to assume the worst, it is actually happening! 

I just got my itenerary in my email confirming my plane tickets to VEGAS!! Holy Crap! Did I mention I'm starting to feel very "Pretty Woman" in this situation? 

So, I am SOOO excited, I can hardly wait!! 3 1/2 weeks to wait. But that's ok... everyone knows I work so much that time really flies around here. 

Who knew Mr. O.C. was this spontaneous and fun?!?

orange county to be exact.

So it appears that I will be making a trip to the L.A. area in the next couple of months... isn't that crazy?!? I need some feedback. Am I nuts? 

I've never been anywhere... expecially anywhere with the potential to be as much fun as that, or with any company that great...so needless to say I am really quite excited! *desipte the fact that Mr. OC thinks I'm freaking out ;)

So... I guess we'll see... :)

california.

As I am not known to be the silly, spur-of-the-moment type, I find myself a little surprised by the chain of events in my life through the past few days.

I don't really go out to the clubs on weekdays- it's rarely fun, it's an unusual/weak crowd, and the music sucks. Well THANK GOODNESS I let Vanessa twist my arm into checking out Belvedere Thursday night. What a trip! Fun atmosphere, great music, and even better company. Yes, that means you, Mr. OC. Who else?

Let's just say I will never underestimate the older, handsome, business traveller EVER again!

my heart hurts.

I've heard that there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord.
But you don't really care for music, do ya?
Well it goes like this:
The fourth, the fifth,
The minor fall, the major lift,
The baffled king composing "Hallelujah"

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya.
Well she tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew: "Hallelujah..."

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before
I know this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya.
But I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Our Love is not a victory march!
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah...

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

There was a time
You let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do ya?
And remember when I moved ya?
The holy dark was moving too,
And every breath we drew was: "Hallelujah..."

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.
It's not a cry you can hear at night,
It's not someone who's seen the light,
It's a cold and broken Hallelujah...

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah...

shams.

It's funny how things work out. You're going along about your life just fine, when all of a sudden you wake up, as if from a very long, hazy dream, to find out that it was all a sham. Everything your mind (or heart) tricked you into believing has totally dissapeared in the blink of an eye. And you find yourself standing there wondering, "what happened?" "where did I go wrong?" "what have I done to deserve finding myself in this ditch of complete hopelessness?"

All questions that I cannot answer. The funny thing is... as much as I would think that I would be broken, sad, and reduced to tears at the drop of a hat, I just don't feel that way. I feel betrayed. I feel used. I feel like I was taken for a fool. 

I am angry. 
I am bitter. 
I am numb.

neuroses.

So I have realized lately that I have become pretty neurotic in my old age. I don't know where this came from or how long it will last, but I feel a bit like "Monica" from Friends. You know, kinda fidgety and needing that instant gratification from everything around me.

I don't think I like it much...

trust.

I would like to say that I am a very trusting person... because I am, but while I will trust you to your face, I will wonder about the terrible things that are happening behind my back.

Maybe this makes me a fool... I do not know. I find myself enveloping myself in people so easily. Sharing my heart and my feelings and my fears with people who may not deserve that part of me. 

It's difficult sometimes for me to decipher reality from falsehood when it comes to someone I care about and trust willingly. How am I to know if they are lying or being decietful when I am easily blinded by my feelings and sense of trust? 

It is too easy at first to accept what the outsiders throw my way with only a grain of salt, but as time goes by, it becomes increasingly more difficult to battle the outside forces when even the inside ones are starting to look hazy. What to do?

I am starting to notice a pattern in my blog entries. They usually come on Mondays and Wednesdays... those of you who know what that means may infer your own conclusions. Every week it gets a little harder and a little more complicated to make it sucessfully through those few shaky days- but that's not to say I'm not trying extremely hard and that I'm not making every effort to keep a smiling face and not be judgemental prematurely.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's much harder when you care about someone who may not care about you just as much...

cynicsm.

I hate being honest with myself because it only makes me realize things that I do not like about me as a person.  I realize I am a cynic on some levels- there are things that I will never be 100% convinced of. Love is one of those things.

I'm the kind of person who will be having the time of my life and somewhere in the back of my mind I am just waiting for the bottom to drop out. Maybe I've been burned too many times- that's not it because I don't often get burned- maybe it's because I have burned so many people in my life that I am afraid that maybe it's my due time.

I do not consider myself a bad person but I suppose that it's hard for me to think that any relationship will really ever work out when there are too many possibilities to fail.

matisyahu.

You're all that I have and you're all that I need
Each and every day I pray to get to know you please
I want to be close to you, yes I'm so hungry
You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty
Without you there's no me
You're the air that I breathe...

immaturity.

I think it's so funny how people behave sometimes. Not funny, haha, funny stupid. I would like to think that i surround myself with intellegent, mature, adults, but apparently I am mistaken.

I'm sorry, but taking a stab at me by deleting me off your myspace friends list is NOT going to hurt my feelings. It's going to hurt YOU. I dont even understand the rationality behind it- do I care if I have one less "friend" on my list? No, because quite frankly the people who are my real friends anyway stand by me in life and do not feel the need to validate each other on a stupid website.

I am not a child, and I consider myself a reasonably intellegent person capable of adult conversation and a sound ability to handle confrontation if necessary. Unfortunately it seems that my attempts to be honest, forthcoming and sincere have only served to piss a couple of people off. People who, rather than come to me and talk about it, decide instead to find a solution by means of pettiness.

Well, fine then... you don't want to be my friend? I don't need you anyway... 

get the word out.

Apparently I am not so good at being accomodating. I like my space and I don't think anyone can fault me for that.  Some days I have alot going on and I just cannot handle one more thing on my plate.  It's frustrating, but does this make me a bad person??

I feel like I need to wear a sign on my shirt saying "emotionally unavailable, slightly inconsiderate, selfish, and needy" just so that people know exactly what they are getting themselves into. 

I don't feel like this every day- just a few days here and there lately. I suppose it could be the partying bringing me down on a daily basis, but not knowing makes it harder to feel better.