Monday, April 27, 2009

a separate self.

I am really proud of my last blog. For the first time in a long time, I felt INSPIRED! Inspired to write, inspired to learn, inspired to share it all with you. L.O.L says that I "am starting the journey" and I am ecstatic. There is a level of charged curiosity, and eager anticipation that I have not felt on an intellectual level in quite some time. While it truly is a journey, and a completely individualized search, I feel that both as an unconventionally spiritual person, and as an educated human being, I must find a way to merge the ideals that I believe in with the knowledge I have not yet tapped into.

As I was frequenting one of my favorite sites this morning, I came across the following question being posed:
"How can Science help us understand the Divine?"

with a quote by Stephen Hawking:
""If we find the answer to [why it is that we and the universe exist], it would be the ultimate triumph of human reason—for then we would know the mind of God."

That is an excellent place to start.

One of the greatest developments in modern science was discovering the placement of the Earth. We are not only one, we are part of a larger solar system that is part of a larger galaxy that is part of a larger universe. Every piece is part of something larger. Each piece, while sometimes independent in itself, cannot truly BE independent of all things. All things are part of a greater whole. This acknowledgment is as staggering regardless of whether you view the whole as society, as a chemically verifiable collection of substance, or as part of a spiritual master plan. While we do not know the extent of this whole, it is a feat in itself just to acknowledge that we are part of something bigger.

We are not special. Some may fear the emotional/mental consequences of realizing that we are not special, for in reality, we have all been told and taught our entire lives that we are unique, special, individuals, and utterly one of a kind. In theory, this is true, but in reality, it is not. We are all made from the same basic compounds, and arranged in the same basic way. While we all lead different lives, we all live and die. Even as an embryonic cluster of cells, we are alive, and we grow into something, just as the seed grows into the flower. Therefore, fundamentally we are not special; however, we are not alone as we are always a part of the whole.

Eckhart Tolle, a modern philosopher, spiritualist, and author says that the truth (which is in essence what science and religion are both after,) is that we are all one consciousness. To awaken from the illusion of identity, of separateness as an individual, of "me", is simply to become aware that we are not our own story, but the awareness of that story, and that this awareness is the same in all of us.

We ARE that awareness.
We ARE that consciousness.

Tolle claims that Jesus' statement, "I am the way, the truth, and the life" was not a statement that Jesus, the bearded, robe wearing, individual was the way, but that the awareness of our true selves, of what "I am" really means is the way. That awareness you experience, that consciousness, is God - and what comes of that awareness is heaven, is peace, is love. If I understand that properly, it is to say that God, Jesus, Buddha, and other deities of religion are merely fabricated as a person, or an individual to follow. The teachings, the ideas, and the concepts of spirituality (whatever your choice may be) are what truly congeal to form what we perceive as "spirituality." The conciousness of ourselves and our origins collectively couple with the ideas of spirituality to give us fulfillment in life, in spirituality and in God. While all the concepts are generally the same, they are all looking towards the same greater good, and the same awakening.

In essence, "the way" is to be pursuant in your questions of the universe as well as the neverending quest for enlightenment.

Friday, April 24, 2009

#100. i am a molecule.

I am a molecule.
A little piece of the largest puzzle imaginable.
There are things going on around me, inside me, because of me, and without me constantly.
There are things I will never see, things I will never do, places I will never go.
There are people I will never meet, and lives I will never interweave with.
I sustain only my own tiny existence in this world, not even an entire dot on a map.
I feel very very small.
What is the purpose? Why are we here? What does it all mean?

People have pondered these questions for eons, with little, but usually no resolve whatsoever. My mind is boggled when I consider the magnitude of the world we live in. It becomes even more inconceivable to consider the universe... and whatever lies beyond. Even in my own backyard, there are zillions of lives existing day-to-day that I am never aware of.

There are creatures in the darkest depths of the ocean living in undiscovered crevices near the belly of the earth that NO ONE has ever seen. There are plants in the heart of the most remote rain forests that are being discovered only now - after millions of years. Every day, there are naturally occurring physical phenomenon taking place in the vast expanse of space. Phenomenon so beautiful and magnificent that one can hardly conceive that this is not the result of an artist brushing strokes across a starry canvas. Planets, solar systems, and stars are born in luminous glory as a mother's new baby is born in the florescent glow of a hospital room. There are people on this planet that have never seen a TV, or an iPhone, or a toaster, or a person of another race or culture - people living in unspoiled, undeveloped society completely untouched by politics, war, money, and religion.

Does that astound anyone else?

Why is that? Why are we all put on this planet to lead vastly different lives, sometimes violently separate from each other? We grow and learn and develop, only to reach the end and never experience everything there is to experience... and then we die. Some say that we are here to help each other, to love each other, and to make the world a better place. But I say, how do the bottom feeding creatures dwelling in the unimaginable darkness of the ocean benefit from me showing some brotherly love to my neighbor? There has to be a larger picture that we do not see here.

What is it? How do we find it? Will we ever know??

Until we do (or until I die... whichever comes first), I will continue being a floating collection of molecules in space, a fraction of a tick on the face of time's clock, and seek enlightenment in the unanswered questions.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

floundering in blog land.

I am thinking hard about what my next blog will be about. Not this blog you're reading right now, but the NEXT one. Why such a strange approach? The next blog I publish will be number 100. 100! I can hardly believe it. I've been writing forever, but I remember when I first discovered the world of blogging. It was 2002, and I was in my senior year at Texas Tech. Back then, it was really just a place I could go to post and preserve some of my better work. Unfortunately, it did not preserve very well, as did an overhaul and I haven't been able to access my blog since. It's here, and I can still see it... but it's detached from this blog like another life...

In any case, that time in my life was a very different one. I was 21, and knee deep in creative writing classes, poetry classes, and research projects. I lived in a house with my best friend, and we spent our evenings and down time out in our sun room on our computers. It was great. Oh, to be a student again. I don't believe I had a boyfriend at the time... though they came and went from time to time. I do know that I was restlessly pining away for the one I thought was "meant to be." I did quite a bit of writing about him back then. My professors loved it- you know how it is, the most heartfelt writing comes from strong emotion, and I was heartbroken and lost. I was sure we would've gotten married had I stayed there. I am glad I did not.

I was also 21, so I was really just sinking my teeth into the bar scene. I was meeting all kinds of people from all over the place and having the time of my life. Unfortunately at that point, I had no idea what I was going to do with that life post-graduation. I don't think I could have ever dreamed I would end up where I am today, and who I am today. After graduation, the blogging took a hiatus for awhile until I moved to Houston and myspace came along.

It's been a long journey, and I love to read the old posts to see the person who was writing them. Sometimes she was lonely, sometimes she was hopeful, and sometimes she was buried in a dark and twisted cocoon of self doubt. She was me, she IS me, just in a different form. It's strange to think of all the things that have happened since February of 2002 when I wrote my first blog.

Number 100 signifies merely a stopping point in that journey, and I want to make it notable, enjoyable, and significant in it's own right. I must come up with something that will properly signify the occasion.

Maybe it should have been this one. ;)

Monday, April 20, 2009


I subscribe to a blog by a woman I do not know. I read everything she posts, because it is always thought provoking, insightful, and true to life. I don't even know her name, nor have we ever spoken or met, but here's her blog: Life in the Second Half. I would like to share that with you, because I enjoy it so much.

In her blog this morning, she raised a very interesting point of view in regards to our lives in the current state of the country. While so many of us are preoccupied with our financial burdens, possible job losses, and various other unfortunate situations, should we perhaps redirect that energy towards something more positive?

Take this opportunity to start that business you've been wanting to launch. Cut back on expenses and enjoy the time you have at home with your kids now. Don't worry about going out to fancy dinners and expensive golf trips - pick up that hobby you've let go by the wayside, or start a new home project you've been putting off for a rainy day. No matter what it is, what I'm trying to say is:

It's raining, baby! Now is the time!

My husband, the go-getter he is these days, is at the tax office as we speak registering his new business. I am so happy and proud of him, he's really been working hard on it, and it is turning out to be an excellent decision!

I've been pondering some of these same scenarios myself recently. Mostly because of the recent misfortune that my car has bestowed upon me. While I am very aware of how lucky I am to have a good job in this economic climate, it's difficult to be as appreciative as I should be when I am terrified on a daily basis of getting stranded on the side of the highway during my hour commute. Sure, I could buy a new car... if my credit score was better. Or if the banks were lending. Or if we had ANY savings leftover after last year's job losses/wedding/hurricane/move. Overall, it kind of puts me in a tight spot.

Maybe this is all a blessing in disguise. Maybe all the car troubles are a gentle way of pushing me into resignation. After all, Jerry's got some really great things happening for him right now, and it just might be the opportunity I was looking for to devote myself full-time to my web business. I need a push, but I don't know if I'm ready to make that leap. I also don't want to put Jerry under any unnecessary financial stress just because of some hair-brained idea of mine. I am secretly hoping that if I did feel the need to step out, that my company would want me to work free-lance from home. After all, I was the one who started this division of the company, and I'm the one who has everything laced up here. If that WERE the case, I would do it today. Unfortunately, it's the not knowing that always kills me.

I am however finding much easier these days to be happy with where I am, who I am, and what I have. I attribute most of that to my wonderful husband, wonderful marriage, and wonderful new house. It seems to be so much easier to be content with life when everything around you is so effortless. So I guess for now, we'll just have to see where things go, and seize the opportunities when they come my way!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

rain, rain, go away.

It's a lovely backyard, excellent for all kinds of Saturday fun... when it's not raining. LOL If only it were sunny, I could be laying out working on my tan!

The "Jungle" front walkway. With all the rain we've been getting lately, it's getting super tropical up here. Too bad there's not room for a hot tub. LOL

My Crepe Myrtles sure do love the rain though... they are filling out nicely since I trimmed them back a couple of weeks ago.

rainy saturday.

Ohhhhh Tina is hating me this morning. See, it's been raining for the last 2 days straight. Not like, a little sprinkle here and there, but full-on lightning and thunder, dark-as-night rainstorms. Needless to say, I'm a little bored, and because Tina refuses to go outside when it's raining, I decided I needed to buy her a raincoat.

She's lucky I picked her out a cute green and pink with polka dots design, and not just a boring old yellow one. At least she looks cute! The downside is, she hates it when I dress her up. Whenever I try to put anything on her- sweater, t-shirt, reindeer antlers, raincoat... she freezes. It used to be worse than it is now. She would freeze and stand in the same place for hours if you let her. Now, she'll at least follow me around until I stop so she can lay down in front of me and pout. LOL! Silly dog. ;)

Anyway... today it's raining, so I felt it would be an excellent photo op for my little Teeny baby and her new raincoat. Isn't she cute? I do wish it would stop raining as I have lots of things I need to be doing, but at least the inclement weather presents me with the opportunity to get caught up on some writing/picture posting/facebook remodeling.

At least I'm being productive I guess!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

life in the grass.

I came home from work today and amazingly enough, somehow the dog didn't notice. Usually she starts barking and throwing a fit as soon as one of us comes home, but she must have been distracted by a squirrel or a ladybug fart... something important I'm sure. Since she was oblivious to me, I went ahead with my business and opened up all the blinds so I could enjoy the last hour or so of daylight in the house. I noticed little Tina dog outside just rolling around lazily in the grass, laying out on her back with all four feet in the air just looking relaxed as could be. I was so jealous. I wanted to run out there and lay in the grass with her just to know the carefree life she must live. No bills, no work, no worries. Just wake up in the morning and go play outside all day until Mommy and Daddy come home and shower her with affection. She knows she's going to get fed at the same time everyday, go on car rides on Saturday mornings, and even sleep in the bed once in awhile.

I think she knows she's got it made.

new tunes.

Rarely do I make music recommendations. People are very particular about their music, and are generally hard to persuade away from that. But I must say, if you are looking for something new, or something different, or even looking to fall in love with some new music, you should definitely check out Blue October's new album, "Approaching Normal."

It's incredible. He's taken his edgy, angry music, and always insightful lyrics, and turned it into something positive without losing the edge! It's great. I know I've said before that my writing has been suffering because of all the "happy" clouding up my mind anymore, so I'm totally inspired to hear someone else making that transition so seamlessly.

Blue October has always been a great escape soundtrack for life. When I've found myself in a dark and twisty place, Justin has the lyrical mastery to reflect that void back in a way that moves me to the core. But much like many of us who are growing up and finding true happiness in our lives, he's taking a more sentimental approach and sharing those same transitional time periods with us. There's at least 3 songs on this new album that bring me to tears for their resemblance to my life pre- and post-Jerry and I getting together life.

Maybe I relate to it so well because a couple of years ago, I was beginning to think I would never find happiness. Sure, I assumed I would eventually get married, and I might be happy in a way; but I never expected to feel what I feel with Jerry, and to have what we have with each other. This is just so much different, and I say this after nearly 3 years, and 4 years of being friends before that.

Back then, I was messed up. Not so bad that others really knew, but bad enough that I have volumes of journals and blogs to remind me. I was lost. Lost in a way that there are some periods of that past that I can't even remember. There were lots of things I couldn't see. I couldn't see the destrctive relationships I was in, I couldn't see the bad decisions I was making, and I couldn't see the people around me who REALLY cared about me. What's worse, Jerry was my friend for a really long time before the light switch went on regarding us. I can't even really pinpoint what it was, or exactly when, but I know when everything changed. I grabbed his face one night when we had been out hanging with friends, and told him "I love you." The rest is history.

So when I hear Blue October sing "I saw forever in my never" I understand in a way that many people probably don't. I feel the pain that was there before. I feel the excitement of realizing something very important was happening in my life. I feel the overwhelming happiness that now engulfs me entirely. It's an experience beyond just music. It's a peek into my soul... a part of my soul that I haven't thought about in a really long time, but that I should make a point to never forget.

They say without pain, pleasure has no meaning. I believe that's true.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

baby talk.

I love babies! I always have I guess. I was definitely the little girl who had tons of dolls, and liked to play house, and the whole nine yards. So I guess some things never change...

I see so many of my friends, colleagues, and acquaintances having their first babies, and I am green with envy. Now that I'm married, and have a wonderful, stable home life, it's even more difficult not to think about babies all the time. One of the highlights of my day is looking through facebook at baby pictures, and reading the funny/touching stories people are writing about their kids. I totally want that.

Once upon a time I used to freak out if my period was a day late. I would even freak out before then if I felt especially paranoid. But now, I secretly hope for it! Jerry and I are not "trying" to get pregnant just yet per se, but we're not NOT trying either. We figured, we're ready, why not let nature take its course? Of course, planning is my nature, so it is sometimes difficult to keep that part of me at bay. My instinct is to start reading up! Start charting the cycle and planning ovulation days, let's do this. But it feels like planning takes all the fun out of it, so I'll just have to be patient. I do really like the idea of being surprised by a pregnancy... it's more fun and less work than all the planning I hear about.

I guess my internal baby clock has finally started up and is ticking away...

Thursday, April 2, 2009


"We're all as old as we have ever been, and we're all at different stages of considering the aging process."

I like that quote... it's making me contemplate some things.

I took a silly little "real age" quiz on facebook and it said I'm 25. Well, though I am 27, what little flattery that quiz may have intended, was quickly trumped by the fact that it was an 8 question facebook quiz. In any case, I'm not 25. I don't even think I'm 27. I think I'm closer to 40.

I've been told I have an "old soul," that I am wise beyond my years, and much more mature than many people my age. I take this as a compliment, but I'm not entirely sure that it's always intended that way. Nor am I sure how I came to be this way. I have always heard that wisdom comes from experience, so I guess I have plenty of that.

I'm 27 and I've done the college thing, I moved to a big city, I've waitressed, I've bar tended, I've managed bars, I've worked for lawyers, I've worked in web design, I've worked for one of the most notorious lawyers in the country, I even helped write his book, I've run a multi-million dollar company, I've played major roles in launching entire companies, I've been the boss, I've been the assistant, and I've been unemployed.

From my experience, I have learned so many things. I have learned more in the last 5 years than I learned the entire time I was in college. And yet, when it comes to work and jobs and whatever, all that matters is what it says on that fancy little paper I have framed in my office.

Unfortunately, my little piece of paper says none of those things.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

get back on track.

I am easily distracted. Obviously. However, instead of beating myself up about my shortcoming, I am going to embrace it and hopefully make it work.

I hear this morning that newspapers are reporting their own eminent deaths. Print media is going out of style, and fast. How sad that they can see it coming?


(Not that I have much elbow room here, at least half of my job revolves around print media, but that's probably another blog.) What I do not understand, however, is why they are letting it happen? Get on that multimedia bandwagon people! Stop reporting on how your industry is going down the tubes, and get out there and try new things. Blog! Promote your online news site! Something!! Just because the company started out as a newspaper, doesn't mean it has to stay that way. Look at Proctor&Gamble. They started out as a soap and candle company in 1837, and now they produce and develop everything from dog food, to cosmetics, to batteries, to kitchen appliances. Business is all about adapting to the current economic climate, not succumbing to it. Looks like the newspapers' marketing departments are falling down on the job...

I also hear that the price of ammunition is being raised within the next month to accommodate a new tax Mr. O felt was necessary. So now, people are going to be paying almost 3 times what they were pre-taxation for their ammo. As far as the basics of economics go, it seems that this will lend to more ammo buying now (stockpiling if you will), and lots and lots of angry people.

Angry People + Lots of Ammo = Really Bad Things.

There has already been marked increases in the number of people applying for concealed handgun licenses in the last 3 months. (3 months huh... strange correlation to the timing of the inauguration.) I wish there was some explanation for this, but it seems that accomplishing personal agendas at the expense of the tax payers is what Mr. O does best. So I guess we'll see what happens. In the meantime, I'll see you guys out at the shooting range. LOL ;)