bells!!

Yes, that's right!! Jerry and I are engaged!! 

He proposed Christmas Eve when we were alone at the house having "our" Christmas. I bawled like a little baby (and of course said yes!) and now to the hard part: planning!!

We're planning on sometime in September, but I haven't gotten any farther than that... Let me just tell you how stir crazy I was on Christmas day with everything closed!! All I wanted to do was go out and buy a huge stack of Wedding magazines and pour over them!

But... the very best part is that I get to marry my best friend AND my lover all at once. I couldn't be happier! What a wonderful Christmas... and now we have many many happy years to look forward to!!

YAY!!

down.

I am feeling a little down on myself today. I don't know what it is... hormones maybe? Who knows. Just down.

I feel like nothing I'm doing is good enough. I feel like I'm not making enough of a difference. I feel like the things that I saw happening for myself are not going to happen after all. I feel like there are things in my life that are slipping away from me.

Do you ever feel like that? Like everything is spinning out of control? Like everything you thought you had figured out just isn't what it seems?

I'm not big on starting over, really. The prospects of that are so mind boggling that it puts me at a standstill...

I'm not one of those people who can just keep on day by day acting like everything is ok, when it's clearly not. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and my mind works constantly trying to overcome the obstacles in my way.

Hopefully it's just "one of those days"....

conspiracy.

I don't know that I have ever verbalized this to anyone except in a private setting. I don't like to talk about it because it gets people worked up, and more often than not, those people don't know what they're talking about anyway.

Huge pet peeve: Political Extremists & Conspiracy Theorists

Why? Mostly because they're full of shit. Check your facts idiots... Sure, everyone has opinions, that's great and I encourage it. However, it seems ludicrous to convey these "opinions" as ABOSLUTISM when there is no evidence to support it.

I was reading a blog posted by an extremist/theorist today and he continually quoted and made reference to "Wikipedia". In case anyone does not know what Wikipedia is, it's an online encyclopedia CREATED BY ANYONE WHO WANTS TO POST on it. Sound like a viable source? Not to me... How do I know that this jackass didn't post all these entries in Wikipedia himself, only to prove his own point? Furthermore... it would make it at least reasonably feasible for me to take you seriously if you could actually spell. Yes: ignorance=discreditability. I'm not going to buy GUM from someone who can't spell (or at least have the know-how to use spell check) let alone buy into some off-the-wall extremist view of 9-11 led by an ignorant hothead.

Do we not have enough problems in this country already without some private-sector extremist group trying to infiltrate the minds of the weak? We are standing on the brink of a new era in 2008! Working against that only perpetuates the problems already facing us...

So there's my rant for the afternoon... so rarely does something pique my political side to the point where I must vent, but today I felt the need to share.

pond scum.

Yes, I'm pissed. Why? Because I hate liars and I hate it when people try to manipulate me. I'm sorry, but I did not bust my ASS to get where I am right now so you idiots can have free run of the place.

You want work from me? Fine. Be real, be honest, and have some morals and couth for God's sake. Maybe this is me being a control freak, but NO ONE (read: NO ONE) will force my hand into any type of exchange that I am not fully ammenable. If you can't approach me as an adult, with something worthwhile to say, then I'm not interested. I don't have the time to play around, I'm busy having a life and having a career that actually makes a decent living.

Now...

This goes without saying, but you guys should KNOW better than to work with a dirtbag. Dirtbag is a really conservative nice word, considering. A disease would be a more fitting description. Not to mention crook, thief, liar, piece of shit... we could go on forever. That being said, DON'T try to convince me that it's ok. IT'S NOT. Sure as hell DON'T try to convince me that you have no choice and that I'M the one being petty about it. 

HELL NO. 

YOU weren't here. YOU don't know what happened. If you did, you wouldn't even bother returning his phone calls and we wouldn't be having this issue in the first place.

Obviously you can see where I stand. DO NOT approach me on this situation EVER AGAIN. 

The issue is dead to me.

settling.

I am finally starting to feel settled. 

I have a job that I love, that I finally have some creative control over. Of course, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be doing what I'm doing now. I have been working my ASS off for the past 3 years, trying to justify to myself that I'm doing the right thing, that I did not send my life shooting off in a worthless direction- grappling with the fact that I decided not to go to law school, that I did not pursue the path I had been following for the past 5 years before that. I tried so hard to forget every single day that I was working myself to death, being underpaid, underappreciated, and abused... but now, everything is different. I am embarking on the 6th week of my career overhaul, and the dust is finally settling. I have realized that hard work DOES really pay off, good deeds really DON'T go unnoticed, and good things DO happen to good people. All I have to say is THANK YOU. Thank you all of you for the support, thank you for sticking by me, thank you for lending your shoulders, lending your hands, and lending me the support I needed to make it through one of the toughest transitions I've ever had to go through. I have made it out on top, and now is my time to truly shine- to make a difference, and to create something that millions of people can appreciate and enjoy every single day!!

Just as it should be, everything else has fallen into place right in line...

Jerry and I couldn't be happier. We got a house in May! We are diving in head first rennovating this great 50's style house in a perfect neighborhood, and it is so rewarding! So I guess maybe I should post some pictures of the house... it's pretty amazing! I'm faux finishing walls, Jerry's laying tile, we're picking out furniture, and becoming the most sickening domesticated ex-bar rats you have ever seen in your life!

Not to outshine the fact that we are SUCH an incredible team. It's surreal to me to have the kind of relationship that gives back. A mutually respectful, adoring, caring relationship that surprises me every single day. There is something to be said for falling in love with your best friend... it certainly makes ALL the difference. Nevermind the fact that he already has seen me at my worst and at my best, but he already knows everything about me too! No awkward conversations about past relationships- he knows! Hell, he was around to see them happening, and to help me back on my feet when they inevitably crumbled. And vice versa. It certainly is a blessing that I am SO thankful for- EVERY DAY!! :)

Ok, I guess that's enough tooting of my own horn for now. It's been so long since I've written that I guess I didn't know where to start. So many of my past blogs were melancholy, introspective, and downright depressing... it's hard to make that shift. I've never been a "happy" writer. I have always been inspired by the tragedy in my life, so I'm having to learn to express myself in new ways, and I must say it's a little intimidating!

letting go.

For those who don't know about T.D. Jakes, he is a tele-evangelist. No matter who you are, there are parts of this message that will speak to you! 

Let it go for 2007... By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you. 
And hear me when I tell you this! 
When people can walk away from you: let them walk. 
Don't try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. 
I mean hang up the phone. 
When people can walk away from you let them walk. 
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. 
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 > John 2:19] 
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. 
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over . 
And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. 
You've got to know when it's dead. 
You've got to know when it's over. 
Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. 
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. 
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. 
Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! 
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to... LET IT GO!!! 
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ... LET IT GO!!! 
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth, LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you, LET IT GO!!! 
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge, LET IT GO!!! 
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction, LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents, LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude, LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship, LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves, LET IT GO!!! 
If you're feeling depressed and stressed, LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. 
Get Right or Get Left.. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!


So... I guess there are some things in my life that I have been holding on to that I shouldn't be. You know who you are and what I'm talking about. There is only so much that I can do, and only so much time that can go by before I realize the truth and the destiny of the situation. Therefore, I resolve to let it go. I am relaxed, more positive, and happier already. (WHEW!) Time to move on to the more wonderful things that have popped up in my life that I have not been taking heed of until recently. 

more blogs.

I sometimes forget that these things are public. I go through these phases when I write and I write in an attempt to emtpy my head of the thoughts swimming around in my brain. It makes me feel better, gets me to sleep finally, and lets me get on with my life. 

Then I wake up the next day and check myspace (like a true blue addict) only to find that 39 people have read my blogs today! Wow! I am flattered beyond words. I mean really, I guess that I'm the only one who can see it, but since I started blogging, 2,867 people have read my blogs. (Or two people have read them 2,867 times, haha!) 

Just the other day, this whole concept was reinforced by the most unexpected piece of mail from the most unexpected source. However it happened and whoever had a hand in it, I greatly thank you... it truly was a gift.

Anyway, thanks for making me feel like someone's listening. Hopefully in the process, everyone doesn't think that I'm a complete nut. haha

3am.

It's after 3am and that is never a good sign for my blogs. It means that I am restless and introspective. Not that being introspective is bad, it just means there is something weighing heavily on my mind. 

I said in an earlier bulletin that "what if you wake up one day and realize something that you've known all along?" There is some serious thought behind that. I am a very internal problem solver. While the rest of the world slumbers peacefully, I am here, awake, wondering what to do about the whirlwind of feelings that is absolutely consuming every fiber of my being.

I woke up this morning with a new perspective on life. I found myself fluttering in my stomach and thinking about you all day...

I know you're reading this. You read all of my blogs. So what do I do now? I'm scared. I've always been scared of you. But you knew that... I told you way back when... You know me better than anyone, and yet you are still around. Why? What is it that you see that no one else sees? What is it that you see that I myself cannot see? I think I struggle with this so much because I still do not know myself as well as I should. I have never been so overwhelmed with a desire to follow what I feel in my heart as well as a debilitating fear of making a disastrous decision...

good enough.

I finally understand this song... 


hey your glass is empty,
it's a hell of a long way home.
why don't you let me take you?
it's no good to go alone.

I never would have opened up,
but you seem so real to me.
and after all the bullshit I've heard, 
it's refreshing not to see, 
that I don't have to pretend.
she doesn't expect it from me.

so dont tell me I
haven't been good to you
don't tell me I
have never been there for you
just tell me why
nothing is good enough?

hey little girl, would you like some candy?
your momma said its ok...
the door is open, come on outside
"no, i cant come out to play"

it's not the wind that grabbed your shoulder
and threw you to the ground.
who's there that makes you so afraid?
you're shaken to the bone.

you know, I don't understand,
you deserve so much more than this.

so don't tell me why he's never been god to you,
don't tell me why, he's never been there for you,
don't you know that why, is some kind of good enough?

so just let me try
I will be good to you
just let me try 
and I will be there for you
I'll show you why
it's so much more than good enough.

so don't tell me why, he's never been good to you
don't tell me why he's never been there for you
don't you know that why, is some kind of good enough?

oh, so just let me try, 
I will be good to you...
just let me try
and I will be there for you...
I'll show you why,
YOU'RE so much more than good enough...

9 crimes.

Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do.
It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you.
It's the wrong time for somebody new.
It's a small crime and I got no excuse,
And is that allright?
To give my gun away when its loaded?
Is that allright?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?

broken.

My mom changed my life today with this song:

Broken

Wake up to a sunny day, 
Not a cloud up in the sky,
And then it starts to rain.

My defenses hit the ground and they shatter all around,
So open and exposed.
But I found strength in the circle,
Face to face with my troubles

When you're broken in a million little pieces,
And you're tryin, but you can't hold on anymore,
Every tear falls down for a reason,
Don't you stop beleivin in yourself,
When youre broken

Little girl dont be so blue,
I know what youre going through.
Don't let it beat you up.
Hittin walls and getting scars only makes you who you are.
It only makes you who you are.

No matter how much your heart is aching,
There is beauty in the breaking.

When you're broken in a million little pieces,
And you're trying but you can hold on anymore,
Every tear falls down for a reason,
Don't you stop believin in yourself.
When you're broken...

Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find its place,
When you're broken...
When you're broken...

When you're broken in a million little pieces,
And you're tryin but you can hold on anymore,
Every tear falls down for a reason,
Don't you stop believin in yourself.
When you're broken...
Oh when you're broken,
When you're broken
When you're broken....