a new day.

(picture hubby took one morning and sent from work... yes, I said "work")

I've been trying to hard to re-motivate myself. I think that maybe I'm finally on the right track. I haven't been writing much, though I've been thinking about it daily. I'm not sure where my motivation went to write, but I just haven't had it in me for whatever reason. I am working on that... I won't bore you all with the details of the past couple of months, mostly because it's just to difficult to "get caught up" when what I really need is a fresh start.

I've been working at home and helping out as much as possible with my husband's business when I can. I do think I am feeling the absence of daily personal interaction with other people. So far that's been the biggest hurdle for me in working at home. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the fact that I don't have to get up at 6am anymore, so I can stay in bed and watch the news/Today show until 8 and then get going on my day. Since I've been home I've also been able to develop a relationship with my treadmill that was previously nonexistent. Thus, this morning I was able to get into the smaller size jeans I've been saving for just this moment. :)

Of course, my very most favorite thing about being home is getting to enjoy my yard and garden on a daily basis. I am able to get up and enjoy the morning sun with my flowers, and take the time to water each one thoroughly and gently without having to rush out the door... or worse, not do it at all. The weather is changing here. Not much, but just enough to feel the weight of the boggy humidity lifting. That in itself is a blessing... humid air and I do not get along at all. I've also been able to take some time to plan for the next season. Shall I dig up bulbs, or should I plow out a new section for an herb garden? Hmm...

Over the past few months I have also undergone some intense emotional revelations. When I moved here after I graduated college, I was so excited about the prospect of a new life, new people, and new things to do. I absolutely love Houston and everything it has to offer. I will always look back on my time here fondly and remember all the memories through the years that have helped me to grow up, and to really understand who I am and what I want out of life. That being said, I'm ready to move on.

It's taken some time but I've finally been able to move past some of the things I've been needlessly clinging to for the past couple of years. I've always felt like I needed to be close to the city- the city is where the work is, and the city is where things "happen"... it's all I know. I no longer feel that way. I think it's because I'm so inspired by my husband who has just gone out there and gotten "it". I can see now life is what you make of it... it doesn't have to be confined to just one area, you have every piece of the puzzle to make a life within yourself without needing the big buildings, fast paced life, and pretentious expectations that a big city like this puts on you.

I feel free. And now I want to go somewhere.

Hubby and I have been discussing moving to the country. Well, here it's not really "country" so much as wooded hills and lakes that you can just disappear into. This is something he's always wanted, but I have always made it extremely clear that I was in no way interested in that. Like I said, I always felt like I needed to be close to the city... and that blind commitment kept me from being able to even imagine what it might be like to be elsewhere.

Our discussion this time was initiated by me. I'm ready, no scratch that, I'm yearning for something else. Something more private with more space and more nature. A place we can shape together to be a home for our family - the kind of place that would be magical for children to grow up. I imagine looking out my kitchen window - not at the fence shared with our neighbor - but at a huge backyard with no fence, and no visible neighbors at all. (Don't get me wrong, I love our neighbors here, but it's just a bit crowded. Nothing spoils your privacy like the neighbor talking to you through the fence when you just want to lay in the sun and daydream.)

The thing is, I no longer feel "connected" to the city. The industry I was drowning in has all but dissolved here, and it was never "my" industry anyway, I was just limping it along because I thought I was supposed to. My friends have all moved elsewhere, so there are really no people in the city that I'm connected to either. It just seems like things are finally falling in line, all the makings of a long-needed "goodbye" I guess.

It's strange to me how much I have changed in the past year. It's so easy to let the unimportant things in life go when you have someone by your side holding you up and reassuring you that everything will be okay. I've always been the kind of person who holds onto things, as if I must cling to them "just in case" something happens. Connections with people who I don't need to be connected to, connections with feelings that should have long ago been flushed, and connections with places that are now meaningless in retrospect. I can let go of past hurts, I can let go of people who are no good for my life, I can take risks that I never would have taken knowing that I have my wonderful sweet hubby standing by my side. It's a blessing that I've never felt, let alone even been able to fathom before now. Every day the two of us get stronger together, and that only makes things easier, better... it helps me grow, which is a fantastic feeling!

So I guess you could say that in the last few months I've been saying goodbye. Goodbye to the big city life bogging me down. Goodbye to the people in my life who may have been holding me back. Goodbye to the hurt memories of things past, and goodbye to all preconceptions.

I am just me, and that is all I want to be from here on out. I want to enjoy life through MY eyes, not through the eyes of someone who says it should be a certain way. I want to seek out the things that are interesting to me, not because I feel like I have to, but because I want to. I want to simplify life, not let it become complicated with unnecessary things. I want to cook, I want to create, I want to garden, I want to have babies, and I want to LIVE - not just get through the day-to-day stuck in a cubicle between 8 and 5 like everyone else I see out in the real world. There's more to life than that and I don't want to look back one day and feel like I missed it because I was blind.

homeowners associations.

Does anyone else despise their homeowners association? I do.

I completely understand why they are in place. Make sure the neighborhood looks nice, that there's no broken down beater cars in the street, and people are not living on a sofa bed in their front yards. Ok. Good enough. 

Why then, must they constantly harass you when your trash can stays on the curb 2 seconds longer than they deem necessary? Do these people not have lives of their own? Do they not have jobs that they go to every day? Why is it that they think in any real situation that I would be at home at 11 am to pick up my trash cans after the garbage man comes on Mondays and Thursdays? Who is home at that time? 

Scratch that... I do not CARE who else is home at that time to pick up their trash cans. The fact is, my husband and I are not doodling around the house all day every day catering to the whims of the HOA. We have jobs. We have responsibilities. None of those responsibilities include making the hour commute home at 11 am to pick up my trash cans and put them back in the garage, and then making the hour commute back downtown to go back to work. 

Apparently life would be easier if that were the case. I would not be getting letters in my mailbox. I would not be getting certified death threat letters from the HOA, and I would not be getting FINED for doing something at MY house that I PURCHASED with MY MONEY. 

I believe that makes it MY property and anyone who wants to tell me what I can and cannot do with it can shove it. Get a life HOA.

By the way... I'm sure they haven't noticed, but HOA's all across the country are coming under scrutiny for this very thing. HOA's are going out of business, getting sued for trying to take people's homes away. (Really?? You're going to take my house that I OWN away from me because my grass is 1" higher than you want it to be??) You'd think they would be more careful about choosing their battles.

I feel that I should also mention that I do not live in a master-planned community, nor is it even a community that has been built in the last 10 years. So I have to feel like this is pettiness, rather than what could be viewed as a concerted attempt at keeping one of the brand-spanking-new "hoity toity" neighborhoods on the Better Homes & Gardens List. 

Needless to say, my patience is running thin. They got an earful this morning, and I will do whatever it takes to make this right. There is no reason in the world why they should be trying to take advantage of homeowners who are already paying them dues. Especially when it's over something as stupid and petty as this is. Something that I absolutely cannot control under any circumstances.

UGH. I'm stepping off my soapbox now...

in the city.

Today was a beautiful day. There was like zero smog, the sky was SO blue, the clouds were SO fluffy and white. If it hadn't been 100 degrees with 90% humidity... it would have been perfect. I do love summer time in the city.

inspired thoughts.

"People have this misconception of happy people, that we have no problems, never feel pain. But in reality I think truly happy people are those that have experienced the worst and have come out scarred but in one piece on the other side." -Scarlethue, A Beautiful Truth blog.

I have recently been struggling with my transition from "dark and twisty, angst ridden writer" to "happy, content, healthy relationship, married writer." It's tough sometimes.

Today, I was introduced to the blog referenced above by way of a comment that came by way of another blog that came by way of a forum. Crazy. It gave me some inspiration, though as we seem to be following some of the same paths. Isn't is funny how this little blog world works? You start out alone, venting your thoughts, clearing your head, even sometimes searching for a voice so that your insides aren't screaming all the time. One by one, peoples lives begin to intersect. You pick up a blog that sounds interesting, that picks up another blog, etc. Suddenly your following has doubled, and there are people reaching out (or reaching in rather) and connecting their lives to yours. It's pretty amazing.

Regardless of the content, there is always some common thread connecting us all. Another blog that I follow, "Life in the Second Half", has explored some of those same ideas, (AND she also has a great blog today about happiness, which is where I'm heading with this.) While some blogs follow the lives of their children, others are empty nesters, single people, animal lovers, activists, and the list goes on. And yet, we all share something with each other. I love reading these blogs and comparing lives and ideas to my own. Since I seem to have embarked on quite a search for truth and answers lately, it goes without saying that I am actively exploring. But, that's another blog entirely.

My original point in writing today was to explore this thing we call happy. Happiness is something different to every person. It's not intrinsic, it's not something you can create, it's not something you earn, and regardless of what the books and the "Oprah's" say, you can't will it upon yourself. It just happens.

Like any emotion, happiness has varying degrees and is experienced in vastly different ways by different people. The reason I really liked Scarlethue's quote is that it helped me to realize that my happiness is so much more rewarding to me because of the sharp contrast it has with some of the previous parts of my life. I've lived through bad. I've lived through sad, and hurt, and loneliness that I thought I would never surface from. I have always lived inside myself, but since my husband came along, I have finally been brave enough to let the real me out. He's the only person who knows that "me." Since he and I have been together, I have slowly been able to piece myself back together, and embrace the person I had always hoped to be.

Unfortunately, because we do have pasts, sometimes that past haunts us. There will always be remnants of memories, dreams, nightmares, and what have you that we will never escape. Little notes found buried in a box, songs that trigger a long forgotten emotional response. It happens all the time, usually without warning. There was a time when I tried to suppress these things, to make them go away. It made me feel guilty to think of the things in my past. However, I have come to regard these memories not as things to cling to, but as reminders of why I'm so happy now. They're little earmarks on the pages of my life to help me remember the paths that I took to get here. Would I be the same person without these people and things in my past? Absolutely not. So I will take my tragedy, my heartbreak, and the suffering from life's beat-downs, and move forward. I will mend the scars, heal old wounds, and piece by piece I'll be able to let go of the things that haunt me. I will be the same person, but wiser - more conditioned. The memories will diminish, and I will relish the happiness I've been blessed with; not dwell on the past, but build my future right on top of it...

And I may just end up as the happiest person ever.

reflection.

I subscribe to a blog by a woman I do not know. I read everything she posts, because it is always thought provoking, insightful, and true to life. I don't even know her name, nor have we ever spoken or met, but here's her blog: Life in the Second Half. I would like to share that with you, because I enjoy it so much.

In her blog this morning, she raised a very interesting point of view in regards to our lives in the current state of the country. While so many of us are preoccupied with our financial burdens, possible job losses, and various other unfortunate situations, should we perhaps redirect that energy towards something more positive?

Take this opportunity to start that business you've been wanting to launch. Cut back on expenses and enjoy the time you have at home with your kids now. Don't worry about going out to fancy dinners and expensive golf trips - pick up that hobby you've let go by the wayside, or start a new home project you've been putting off for a rainy day. No matter what it is, what I'm trying to say is:

It's raining, baby! Now is the time!

My husband, the go-getter he is these days, is at the tax office as we speak registering his new business. I am so happy and proud of him, he's really been working hard on it, and it is turning out to be an excellent decision!

I've been pondering some of these same scenarios myself recently. Mostly because of the recent misfortune that my car has bestowed upon me. While I am very aware of how lucky I am to have a good job in this economic climate, it's difficult to be as appreciative as I should be when I am terrified on a daily basis of getting stranded on the side of the highway during my hour commute. Sure, I could buy a new car... if my credit score was better. Or if the banks were lending. Or if we had ANY savings leftover after last year's job losses/wedding/hurricane/move. Overall, it kind of puts me in a tight spot.

Maybe this is all a blessing in disguise. Maybe all the car troubles are a gentle way of pushing me into resignation. After all, Jerry's got some really great things happening for him right now, and it just might be the opportunity I was looking for to devote myself full-time to my web business. I need a push, but I don't know if I'm ready to make that leap. I also don't want to put Jerry under any unnecessary financial stress just because of some hair-brained idea of mine. I am secretly hoping that if I did feel the need to step out, that my company would want me to work free-lance from home. After all, I was the one who started this division of the company, and I'm the one who has everything laced up here. If that WERE the case, I would do it today. Unfortunately, it's the not knowing that always kills me.

I am however finding much easier these days to be happy with where I am, who I am, and what I have. I attribute most of that to my wonderful husband, wonderful marriage, and wonderful new house. It seems to be so much easier to be content with life when everything around you is so effortless. So I guess for now, we'll just have to see where things go, and seize the opportunities when they come my way!

rain, rain, go away.

It's a lovely backyard, excellent for all kinds of Saturday fun... when it's not raining. LOL If only it were sunny, I could be laying out working on my tan!

The "Jungle" front walkway. With all the rain we've been getting lately, it's getting super tropical up here. Too bad there's not room for a hot tub. LOL

My Crepe Myrtles sure do love the rain though... they are filling out nicely since I trimmed them back a couple of weeks ago.

new tunes.

Rarely do I make music recommendations. People are very particular about their music, and are generally hard to persuade away from that. But I must say, if you are looking for something new, or something different, or even looking to fall in love with some new music, you should definitely check out Blue October's new album, "Approaching Normal."

It's incredible. He's taken his edgy, angry music, and always insightful lyrics, and turned it into something positive without losing the edge! It's great. I know I've said before that my writing has been suffering because of all the "happy" clouding up my mind anymore, so I'm totally inspired to hear someone else making that transition so seamlessly.

Blue October has always been a great escape soundtrack for life. When I've found myself in a dark and twisty place, Justin has the lyrical mastery to reflect that void back in a way that moves me to the core. But much like many of us who are growing up and finding true happiness in our lives, he's taking a more sentimental approach and sharing those same transitional time periods with us. There's at least 3 songs on this new album that bring me to tears for their resemblance to my life pre- and post-Jerry and I getting together life.

Maybe I relate to it so well because a couple of years ago, I was beginning to think I would never find happiness. Sure, I assumed I would eventually get married, and I might be happy in a way; but I never expected to feel what I feel with Jerry, and to have what we have with each other. This is just so much different, and I say this after nearly 3 years, and 4 years of being friends before that.

Back then, I was messed up. Not so bad that others really knew, but bad enough that I have volumes of journals and blogs to remind me. I was lost. Lost in a way that there are some periods of that past that I can't even remember. There were lots of things I couldn't see. I couldn't see the destrctive relationships I was in, I couldn't see the bad decisions I was making, and I couldn't see the people around me who REALLY cared about me. What's worse, Jerry was my friend for a really long time before the light switch went on regarding us. I can't even really pinpoint what it was, or exactly when, but I know when everything changed. I grabbed his face one night when we had been out hanging with friends, and told him "I love you." The rest is history.

So when I hear Blue October sing "I saw forever in my never" I understand in a way that many people probably don't. I feel the pain that was there before. I feel the excitement of realizing something very important was happening in my life. I feel the overwhelming happiness that now engulfs me entirely. It's an experience beyond just music. It's a peek into my soul... a part of my soul that I haven't thought about in a really long time, but that I should make a point to never forget.

They say without pain, pleasure has no meaning. I believe that's true.

baby talk.

I love babies! I always have I guess. I was definitely the little girl who had tons of dolls, and liked to play house, and the whole nine yards. So I guess some things never change...

I see so many of my friends, colleagues, and acquaintances having their first babies, and I am green with envy. Now that I'm married, and have a wonderful, stable home life, it's even more difficult not to think about babies all the time. One of the highlights of my day is looking through facebook at baby pictures, and reading the funny/touching stories people are writing about their kids. I totally want that.

Once upon a time I used to freak out if my period was a day late. I would even freak out before then if I felt especially paranoid. But now, I secretly hope for it! Jerry and I are not "trying" to get pregnant just yet per se, but we're not NOT trying either. We figured, we're ready, why not let nature take its course? Of course, planning is my nature, so it is sometimes difficult to keep that part of me at bay. My instinct is to start reading up! Start charting the cycle and planning ovulation days, let's do this. But it feels like planning takes all the fun out of it, so I'll just have to be patient. I do really like the idea of being surprised by a pregnancy... it's more fun and less work than all the planning I hear about.

I guess my internal baby clock has finally started up and is ticking away...

aging.

"We're all as old as we have ever been, and we're all at different stages of considering the aging process."

I like that quote... it's making me contemplate some things.

I took a silly little "real age" quiz on facebook and it said I'm 25. Well, though I am 27, what little flattery that quiz may have intended, was quickly trumped by the fact that it was an 8 question facebook quiz. In any case, I'm not 25. I don't even think I'm 27. I think I'm closer to 40.

I've been told I have an "old soul," that I am wise beyond my years, and much more mature than many people my age. I take this as a compliment, but I'm not entirely sure that it's always intended that way. Nor am I sure how I came to be this way. I have always heard that wisdom comes from experience, so I guess I have plenty of that.

I'm 27 and I've done the college thing, I moved to a big city, I've waitressed, I've bar tended, I've managed bars, I've worked for lawyers, I've worked in web design, I've worked for one of the most notorious lawyers in the country, I even helped write his book, I've run a multi-million dollar company, I've played major roles in launching entire companies, I've been the boss, I've been the assistant, and I've been unemployed.

From my experience, I have learned so many things. I have learned more in the last 5 years than I learned the entire time I was in college. And yet, when it comes to work and jobs and whatever, all that matters is what it says on that fancy little paper I have framed in my office.

Unfortunately, my little piece of paper says none of those things.

the wind.

I feel like this today...


I listen to the wind,
to the wind of my soul.
Where I'll end up well I think,
only God really knows.
I've sat upon the setting sun,
but never, never never never,
I never wanted water once.
No, never, never, never...

I listen to my words but
they fall far below.
I let my music take me where
my heart wants to go.
I swam upon the devil's lake,
but never, never never never,
I'll never make the same mistake.
No, never, never, never...

insomnia.

I remember being 7 years old and sleepless. That's how far is goes back.

Back then, it was more normal. What kid can sleep for any length of time when they're all wired up about Christmas morning? However, it is not usually like that for me. It's usually a dark restlessness. An inner twitch that electro-shocks my brain into frenzied thought and laborious worry.

Since you've been gone it's really been more along the lines of a physical pain keeping me awake. My heart uprooting from its otherwise happy state and groaning as it rolls over in my chest- deflated by your absence. Of course my mind worries about you- we've all heard the civilian horror stories of Nick Berg and the like. We are very aware of the prevalent danger.

Aside from the obvious, I have felt the never ending concern that can only come from little or no contact with you. I've tried patterning my days to coincide with yours. I know if I can stay up past midnight, you'll be awake again to correspond "live". I know around 2 or 3pm you're getting ready to go to bed. Coming in from the bases you've been at all days, settling in, and checking the web one more time before bed.

When you send me the most touching, heartfelt emails, it was all I could do to stop myself from gushing back a response. Instead, I fire back a quick "I LOVE YOU!!" An effort made if only in the hope that across the ocean we would be connected for even a moment. A gesture made to let you know "I'm here, I'm up, and I'm thinking of you at this exact moment." The little black letters on my white screen the only voice I have to you in the night...

Tonight, I lie awake, it is again after 2am. Instead of the lonely sadness that washes over me as I stare at your empty side of the bed, I am anxious. In less than 12 hours I will be in your arms once more!

I am 7 again.

Tomorrow is Christmas morning, and what awaits me on the other side of this night is far better than a pair of roller skates or a shiny new bike.

It's you. My love. Coming home to me again.

how can i tell you?

Jerry is in Kuwait, and I just keep listening to this song over and over, wishing I could talk to him. :(


"How can I tell you that I love you?
I love you, but I can't think of right words to say...
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you.
I'm always thinking of you, but my words just blow away...
It always ends up to one thing honey, and I can't think of right words to say.

Wherever I am, I'm always walking with you.
I'm always walking with you, but I look and you're not there.
Whoever I'm with, I'm always, always talking to you.
I'm always talking to you, I'm sad that you can't hear.
It always ends up to one thing honey, when I look and you're not there.

I need to know you,
Need to feel my arms around you.
Feel my arms around you, like sea around a shore.
Each night and day I pray, in hope that I might find you.
In hope that I might find you, because hearts can do no more...
It always ends up to one thing honey, still I kneel upon the floor.

How can I tell you that I love you?
I love you, but I can't think of right words to say.
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you.
I'm always thinking of you...

It always ends up to one thing honey, and I can't think of right words to say."