blogs.

I am not an idiot- I know people read my blogs. I kept a few of them private for a while, and a few more only to where people on my friends list could view them. But for some reason the other day, I made them all public. I guess I just decided that it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe people need to see what I am thinking and feeling about things. Maybe I'm tired of being the only person who knows that I hurt. Maybe I want people to see that I'm trying to be happy- in spite of the unfortunate cards that I have been dealt in the last few months. 

And you- you know who you are- I don't want you to think I've forgotten. I don't want you to think I write to hurt you. Honestly, I didnt think you would be interested enough to read anyway. I always secretly hoped you would- I used to write about you all the time. I wrote about us, good or bad, with the thought that maybe it would help you understand. Understand that I still love you and I probably always will. I can't change that, and I don't want to. And now, it's out in the open. You can see it plainly here now and so can everyone else. And I dont care who knows. Everyone thinks I'm nuts for caring about you after everything that's happened- but I dont care. I can't help the way I feel just like you can't help the way you feel about your situation. 

Anyway- there it is. No sugar coating, no lies. And yes- I am still going to Vegas, and I am still going to have a great time with someone who does not complicate my life. I'm not trying to marry the guy, but I deserve to have fun too. Just like you needed to get away the other night- so do I. I wish you could understand that. After all- I'm not the one who put us in this situation. But sometimes, it seems like I'm the only one interested in fixing it. 

At the end of the day, I just keep missing you.