So I just finished watching "Shopgirl" for like, the 85th time since I was turned onto it. No matter how many times I see it, it always provokes the same feelings in me. It is so familiar. Actually, it's too familiar. One of the things I love the most about this movie is that Alli suggested it to me. She wanted me to see it because it made her think of me. Oh, you wise, wise, woman. You never cease to amaze me and I love ya for it. You, I think are one of the few people who really, truly understands what's going on with me.
I think it struck me so this time because of the long, deep talk Mr. OC and I had just yesterday. It was a talk about futures, a talk about serious feelings and what may or may not be possible for the two of us. At this moment I feel like I am standing in Mirabelle's shoes wading through a relationship with Ray Porter. (Don't get it? Rent the movie.)
There are so many poignant moments in the movie that I cannot help but relate to myself, and wonder if they are a possibility for me. Needless to say, I understand the complexity of the situation. There is no doubt about that. However, I do not understand WHY it must be so complicated. I used to believe that it was possible to be involved with someone without being attached. God knows I've done it many times. I'm usually quite talented at pushing the boundaries out to where they fit the terms. Turns out, it's not so easy when you are face to face with the person you've been waiting for and they are just not so sure.
Maybe I'm just young and stupid. Maybe I've deluded myself to the wiles of the world. Maybe I am too sheltered and too giving and too ready to immerse myself. Maybe I'm afraid that I'm about to turn 25, and I don't even have any worthwhile prospects of a serious relationship in my life. I used to think that I would be the first. I was always the one with the serious boyfriend and that had been dating him the longest. I, in a perfect world, would have been done by now. I would at least be married and probably about ready to have my 1st child. What happened to that? And worse, what if it never happens? What if I continue down this road of dead end relationships and never make any real headway? Somehow I can't shake the feeling that I'm holding out on purpose. That I'm meant for something more. For something that will knock my socks off, because it hadn't happened yet.
But I digress... so back to my point.
I'm thinking of asking him to watch this movie. Not to be offensive, but to help him understand what my concerns and questions are about this relationship. Maybe he will agree. He could surprise me... he does that so often. Just when I'm certain that I know what he's thinking, he usually throws me for a loop.
On the one hand, he is so tender and caring for me. He calls me to check on me when I'm sick. He sends me funny emails and texts when he knows I am stressed or down. He whisks me all over the country and treats me like a princess in the process. No flaws in that, right? Of course not- if that's all it's going to be. But what if I want more?
He knows me better than anyone I have ever dated knows me. He knows about my dark inwardness, and he knows what my pensive quiet moments mean. I love that. No one had ever "gotten" me quite the way he does. My fear is that he doesn't want another serious relationship. He has been married already. He has a kid already. (and as far as I'm concerned, that's fantastic!) But I'm afraid he wouldn't do it again. He somtimes seems so wrapped up in the fact that he's almost 40 that he cannot see past the end of his nose to what is staring him in the face. (Or better, WHO, is staring him in the face.)
I don't know why I am having all these aprehensions and concerns at this particular time. Maybe it's because it's the holidays & people do weird things around the holidays. Who knows. What I do know is he will be here, just for me, in just 3 weeks and I cannot wait to see what happens next.