Friday, December 8, 2006

the notebook.

I don't know what it is with me and movies lately. Apparently my movie selections need to be evaluated a little more carefully as to not throw me into a whirlwind of emotion and questions.

I wrote about The Notebook once before. But not publicly. I wrote about it to a dear friend, perhaps the love of my life, that I let slip away from me because of my foolish pride and my uneccesary concern for the feelings of others. If I would stop for a moment and think about what I want for once, maybe the decisions in my life would turn out differently. Now, I fear that I have lost him forever, and that I will never have a chance to make things right again. He's gone. So far gone that he's overseas. We have barely spoken over the last 2 years except him calling me to say he has been called away to war. And now I think about him almost daily, wondering how he is, if he will ever come home, and how things might have been different. What would our lives be like now if I, instead of taking the "safe" road, had stood in that gazeebo in Lubbock, Texas, knowing full well that it would be the last time I saw him, and grabbed him in my arms and let us just be us. He was always the one. From the beginning he was always the one.

I stopped watching The Notebook after the last time I saw him. It was too hard. It's the only story I have ever seen that makes me feel the way I felt when I was with him. I decided I needed to let it go- to let him have his life and let things happen the way they are meant to happen. So I stopped watching it. Until today. And it never fails. It solicits the same emotions in me every time. Emotions that I thought I had forgotten about. That had been pushed aside and replaced with new ones. But that's not the case. They are still there, and the more I think about it, I believe they will always be there. And they will always be as strong as they were when I was 18 and I met my soul mate.

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul, that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me, and that's what I hope to give to you forever." --Noah Calhoun

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