more blogs.

I sometimes forget that these things are public. I go through these phases when I write and I write in an attempt to emtpy my head of the thoughts swimming around in my brain. It makes me feel better, gets me to sleep finally, and lets me get on with my life. 

Then I wake up the next day and check myspace (like a true blue addict) only to find that 39 people have read my blogs today! Wow! I am flattered beyond words. I mean really, I guess that I'm the only one who can see it, but since I started blogging, 2,867 people have read my blogs. (Or two people have read them 2,867 times, haha!) 

Just the other day, this whole concept was reinforced by the most unexpected piece of mail from the most unexpected source. However it happened and whoever had a hand in it, I greatly thank you... it truly was a gift.

Anyway, thanks for making me feel like someone's listening. Hopefully in the process, everyone doesn't think that I'm a complete nut. haha

3am.

It's after 3am and that is never a good sign for my blogs. It means that I am restless and introspective. Not that being introspective is bad, it just means there is something weighing heavily on my mind. 

I said in an earlier bulletin that "what if you wake up one day and realize something that you've known all along?" There is some serious thought behind that. I am a very internal problem solver. While the rest of the world slumbers peacefully, I am here, awake, wondering what to do about the whirlwind of feelings that is absolutely consuming every fiber of my being.

I woke up this morning with a new perspective on life. I found myself fluttering in my stomach and thinking about you all day...

I know you're reading this. You read all of my blogs. So what do I do now? I'm scared. I've always been scared of you. But you knew that... I told you way back when... You know me better than anyone, and yet you are still around. Why? What is it that you see that no one else sees? What is it that you see that I myself cannot see? I think I struggle with this so much because I still do not know myself as well as I should. I have never been so overwhelmed with a desire to follow what I feel in my heart as well as a debilitating fear of making a disastrous decision...

good enough.

I finally understand this song... 


hey your glass is empty,
it's a hell of a long way home.
why don't you let me take you?
it's no good to go alone.

I never would have opened up,
but you seem so real to me.
and after all the bullshit I've heard, 
it's refreshing not to see, 
that I don't have to pretend.
she doesn't expect it from me.

so dont tell me I
haven't been good to you
don't tell me I
have never been there for you
just tell me why
nothing is good enough?

hey little girl, would you like some candy?
your momma said its ok...
the door is open, come on outside
"no, i cant come out to play"

it's not the wind that grabbed your shoulder
and threw you to the ground.
who's there that makes you so afraid?
you're shaken to the bone.

you know, I don't understand,
you deserve so much more than this.

so don't tell me why he's never been god to you,
don't tell me why, he's never been there for you,
don't you know that why, is some kind of good enough?

so just let me try
I will be good to you
just let me try 
and I will be there for you
I'll show you why
it's so much more than good enough.

so don't tell me why, he's never been good to you
don't tell me why he's never been there for you
don't you know that why, is some kind of good enough?

oh, so just let me try, 
I will be good to you...
just let me try
and I will be there for you...
I'll show you why,
YOU'RE so much more than good enough...

9 crimes.

Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do.
It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you.
It's the wrong time for somebody new.
It's a small crime and I got no excuse,
And is that allright?
To give my gun away when its loaded?
Is that allright?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?

broken.

My mom changed my life today with this song:

Broken

Wake up to a sunny day, 
Not a cloud up in the sky,
And then it starts to rain.

My defenses hit the ground and they shatter all around,
So open and exposed.
But I found strength in the circle,
Face to face with my troubles

When you're broken in a million little pieces,
And you're tryin, but you can't hold on anymore,
Every tear falls down for a reason,
Don't you stop beleivin in yourself,
When youre broken

Little girl dont be so blue,
I know what youre going through.
Don't let it beat you up.
Hittin walls and getting scars only makes you who you are.
It only makes you who you are.

No matter how much your heart is aching,
There is beauty in the breaking.

When you're broken in a million little pieces,
And you're trying but you can hold on anymore,
Every tear falls down for a reason,
Don't you stop believin in yourself.
When you're broken...

Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find its place,
When you're broken...
When you're broken...

When you're broken in a million little pieces,
And you're tryin but you can hold on anymore,
Every tear falls down for a reason,
Don't you stop believin in yourself.
When you're broken...
Oh when you're broken,
When you're broken
When you're broken....