blogs.

I am not an idiot- I know people read my blogs. I kept a few of them private for a while, and a few more only to where people on my friends list could view them. But for some reason the other day, I made them all public. I guess I just decided that it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe people need to see what I am thinking and feeling about things. Maybe I'm tired of being the only person who knows that I hurt. Maybe I want people to see that I'm trying to be happy- in spite of the unfortunate cards that I have been dealt in the last few months. 

And you- you know who you are- I don't want you to think I've forgotten. I don't want you to think I write to hurt you. Honestly, I didnt think you would be interested enough to read anyway. I always secretly hoped you would- I used to write about you all the time. I wrote about us, good or bad, with the thought that maybe it would help you understand. Understand that I still love you and I probably always will. I can't change that, and I don't want to. And now, it's out in the open. You can see it plainly here now and so can everyone else. And I dont care who knows. Everyone thinks I'm nuts for caring about you after everything that's happened- but I dont care. I can't help the way I feel just like you can't help the way you feel about your situation. 

Anyway- there it is. No sugar coating, no lies. And yes- I am still going to Vegas, and I am still going to have a great time with someone who does not complicate my life. I'm not trying to marry the guy, but I deserve to have fun too. Just like you needed to get away the other night- so do I. I wish you could understand that. After all- I'm not the one who put us in this situation. But sometimes, it seems like I'm the only one interested in fixing it. 

At the end of the day, I just keep missing you.

one week.

This is the last weekend before my big Vegas trip. The scandalous rendezvous with the sexy older man in my life. Can I believe it? No. Am I totally stoked? Hell yes. 

I cannot even believe this is happening to me. A real, flesh & blood, awesome guy who I have the most engaging conversations with & have the most incredible time with has taken to flying me all over the country to hang out with him. And considering all the bullshit I have been through in the past several months- it is a welcome respite.

Between falling in love with the man of my dreams, being loved by the man of my dreams, crazy psycho slut bag bitches trying to kill me, boys who cannot make up their minds, near-death hospital visits, and things that I can't even remember... I have had quite the interesting year already.

So, now I'm thinking... IT'S MY TURN for crying out loud! I deserve something good in my life! I am a good person and I need other good people in my life. People who don't take me for granted. People who care about me for REAL & don't have any problem committing to that. People who appreciate what they find in me & people who make actual time for me.

Here we go- I'm gearing up and getting REALLY excited! And I know that seeing Mr. OC again will totally make my month!

vegas baby.

WOW! Despite my negativity and tendencies to assume the worst, it is actually happening! 

I just got my itenerary in my email confirming my plane tickets to VEGAS!! Holy Crap! Did I mention I'm starting to feel very "Pretty Woman" in this situation? 

So, I am SOOO excited, I can hardly wait!! 3 1/2 weeks to wait. But that's ok... everyone knows I work so much that time really flies around here. 

Who knew Mr. O.C. was this spontaneous and fun?!?

orange county to be exact.

So it appears that I will be making a trip to the L.A. area in the next couple of months... isn't that crazy?!? I need some feedback. Am I nuts? 

I've never been anywhere... expecially anywhere with the potential to be as much fun as that, or with any company that great...so needless to say I am really quite excited! *desipte the fact that Mr. OC thinks I'm freaking out ;)

So... I guess we'll see... :)

california.

As I am not known to be the silly, spur-of-the-moment type, I find myself a little surprised by the chain of events in my life through the past few days.

I don't really go out to the clubs on weekdays- it's rarely fun, it's an unusual/weak crowd, and the music sucks. Well THANK GOODNESS I let Vanessa twist my arm into checking out Belvedere Thursday night. What a trip! Fun atmosphere, great music, and even better company. Yes, that means you, Mr. OC. Who else?

Let's just say I will never underestimate the older, handsome, business traveller EVER again!

my heart hurts.

I've heard that there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord.
But you don't really care for music, do ya?
Well it goes like this:
The fourth, the fifth,
The minor fall, the major lift,
The baffled king composing "Hallelujah"

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya.
Well she tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew: "Hallelujah..."

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before
I know this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya.
But I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Our Love is not a victory march!
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah...

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

There was a time
You let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do ya?
And remember when I moved ya?
The holy dark was moving too,
And every breath we drew was: "Hallelujah..."

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.
It's not a cry you can hear at night,
It's not someone who's seen the light,
It's a cold and broken Hallelujah...

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah...

shams.

It's funny how things work out. You're going along about your life just fine, when all of a sudden you wake up, as if from a very long, hazy dream, to find out that it was all a sham. Everything your mind (or heart) tricked you into believing has totally dissapeared in the blink of an eye. And you find yourself standing there wondering, "what happened?" "where did I go wrong?" "what have I done to deserve finding myself in this ditch of complete hopelessness?"

All questions that I cannot answer. The funny thing is... as much as I would think that I would be broken, sad, and reduced to tears at the drop of a hat, I just don't feel that way. I feel betrayed. I feel used. I feel like I was taken for a fool. 

I am angry. 
I am bitter. 
I am numb.