do i play 2nd?

I have lots of things running around in my head so I'm not sure how to even approach this. But lately I've been feeling like I'm playing 2nd all the time. I know that I am my own person and that I am fully capable of having my own situations and carrying on my own life. However, I find myself in all these situations where I feel like I'm just the "supporting actor". Not that I'm a conceited, self-centered person or anything, but when is it ever going to be about me?

No one ever asks how I'm doing, and when they do, it seems like their attention span isnt even long enough to hear my response. I listen to everyone's problems, advise on everyone elses concerns and smile in the background while someone else takes the spotlight. I think at some point I just got tired of trying to compete with all the "shining stars" around me and just gave up. I suppose that's why I know so many people, but don't really "know" them. And it's also a real possibility that so many people that I have met before more often than not don't even remember me. 

I think it's sad. Makes me kinda feel like a chump. Not cool.

life's changes.

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. 

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. 

You look at what you're studying or your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. 

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. 

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. 

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone! but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now youare scared just to be a contender! 

What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Send this to your friends... maybe it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion... 

down time.

Ok, so... in light of my new situation I have found myself having quite a bit of free time on my hands. Honestly, I enjoy it very much but somehow always seem drawn to the hustle and bustle of keeping myself as busy as possible. So, instead of enjoying my afternoons and such, I find myself making camp in Buckley's extra office working on my briefs and helping Crystal asnwer phones, just to stay busy. 

Oh, well... I guess that's just my nature! I can't help it, I'm a workaholic or something. Nothing wrong with that I guess, but I will be glad when I am not juggling two jobs at the same time. Working alot is not a problem... working just as hard in two different fields is what seems to wear me down these days. 

Crystal was right- I am definitely reading about some disturbing lives and it's hard not to let your emotions get involved. I guess that will just take time and practice to master looking past it.

Ok, enough babbling for now. I do have to send congrats out to Jerry Wayne for the big news he just delivered me... YEAH FOR YOU! It's about damn time!! haha

news.

Ok, who's ready to hear the story?

Last Friday I had a huge falling out with my boss. It was a long time coming, I guess but it pushed me to do what I have been needing to do for a long time: move on. Of course I was upset and feeling irrational, and I would have never made it through the day without my friends rallying around me. 

Andrea pushed me out of the nest and Crystal caught me. haha. Without the encouragement of Andrea to get the hell out and both her and Crystal's support in finding a new destination, I may not have made this step that I have been needing to make for months. And I am so grateful. I am still stunned by the fact that it took less than 3 hours to find a new job. And not just a job, but something that I have the potential to do really well at and even make a career of. Thank you so much girls for having my back and helping me get out of that volatile situation. :) I owe you BIG TIME!

SO anyway- on to Sean Buckley's office to write briefs for he and Crystal and back to a normal life. No more working 70 hour weeks. No more being on call 24 hours a day. No more of my cell phone blowing up all the time. No more running bullshit errands all the time. No more picking up the pieces.

AND I can FINALLY take a vacation!! I have had a WHOPPING 2.5 days off this year and I think I'm due. Yea!!

On top of all that I am moving on Saturday to a new, cheaper apartment so not only will I be making more money, but I will be spending less. Works out pretty well I think. It's funny how all this happened in only a matter of a week. 

Wish me luck, and keep in touch and you can email me at rceezee@sbcglobal.net and my cell phone number will be the same!

Thanks again girls for making it possible to change my life for the better! It was about time... :)

it's time.

It is time.

It is time for me to make a move in my life. 

I am tired of sitting idly by and waiting for my life to happen to me. It's time for me to do something about it. To be proactive. To become something. To find what I've been looking for this whole time. It's time for me to get my shit together. To make up my mind. To be decisive. To be honest. TO BE WHO I WAS MEANT TO BE.

Because right now, I'm not. 

I deserve a life. I deserve someone in my life who means something to me. And I deserve to be happy. It's time for me to make that happen. I am the only one who can do that. And I will.

I will...

everything in between.

So it's been quite some time since I posted anything... it appears that I am WAY overdue. The last posing was about my Mr. OC coming to visit me in Houston. Now, this was a monumental thing because Houston is where we met but since then he has been whisking me off to Vegas, California and the like to visit. BUT since we both have an open weekend, he decided to come visit me back here. 

And I must say- I totally love that. Houston is my town. I know the scene and my friends are here. So after 5 months he was finally getting the opportunity to seal the stamp of approval from the Houston gang. Let's just say he passed with flying colors! Even amongst the toughest of critics (my gay guys) he shone like a rockstar!! Of course this is no surprise to me because I already knew how special he is and because I know he is such a good fit for me, that they would all love him as well. :) Needless to say it was a great weekend!!

Last weekend I flew out to Orange County (at which point this is where I give my Nessa a HUGE shout out!) and it was breathtaking. I've pretty much never been anywhere and since I met Bob I've been to Vegas and now California. Did I mention it was beautiful? I was beside myself all weekend long. It was amazing being in his element too. I finally got to watch him in action doing the thing he lives for (surfing) and got to see everything that makes him who he is. 

Until last weekend, I thought the whole "long walks on the beach" thing was so cliche and cheezy, but not anymore. I had never been happier!! You can see it on my face in the picure I posted of us. I can honestly say that I never in my life have seen a picture that I could look at and be amazed by the true, natural, expression of happiness on my face. And it fits. I like to see myself that way and I never have.

zzz.

That's not a very accurate title. Because I am not doing any sleeping right now. I'm restless. I'm thinking too much and it's not letting me sleep. Thinking about how complicated my life has gotten. How the coolest guy I've ever met lives on the opposite side of the country. We're keeping it casual- I mean, realistically, how often can we see each other? I can't make a commitment to a guy I hardly ever see! Am I dating? No. Have I been hooking up with other guys? No. Why? Because I don't want to. At the end of the day I would rather go home alone than be with someone else. It's really ridiculous when it comes right down to it. And yet, I feel myself getting immersed in it more and more every day. It appears that he has more self control than I do because he doesnt get all swept up and mushy about things. Unless he's been out drinking. 

Then it comes out. The infamous drunk dial. The inhibitions are lowered and Mr. "Together" becomes a big softie. I think he might be afraid of me. Afraid of what I mean and how I may play into his life. I think he's afraid that if he lets himself care about me too much that it's going to screw things up for him. He's got it together. He's got a great job, he travels, he gets to do whatever he wants on the weekends, and he has no obligations. Nice little bubble he lives in there in Orange County. 

Then I come along. I am unexpected. I am young and free and do not have the baggage women his age have. I think I have thrown him off course. He remembers the most obscure details of my life. Details that guys I was with for years didn't even remember. He tells me constantly how much I surprise him and how he continues to be more impressed by me every day. He tells me I am the coolest chick he has ever met and why hasn't someone snatched me up yet? He tells me all kinds of things that you only tell someone you're really interested.   

But he lives in California. And I live in Texas.