already gone.

Sometimes all it takes is the right music to speak what your heart cannot. I've been waiting several years for a song like this to come along and help me finish closing a very old wound.

The words alone do not do it justice...

Already Gone

by Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted?

Now all our memories, they're haunted.

We were always meant to say goodbye.

Even with our fists held high,

It never would've worked out right.

We were never meant for do or die.

I didn't want us to burn out...

I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop.

I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road,

Someone's gotta go.

And I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better-

But I want you to move on,

So I'm already gone.

Looking at you makes it harder

But I know that you'll find another

That doesn't always make you want to cry.

It started with a perfect kiss

Then we could feel the poison set in.

Perfect couldn't keep this love alive...

You know that I loved you so, I love you enough to let you go.

I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road,

Someone's gotta go.

And I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better-

But I want you to move on,

So I'm already gone.

I'm already gone, already gone...

You can't make it feel right, when you know that it's wrong.

I'm already gone, already gone...

There's no moving on, so I'm already gone.

Already gone, already gone, already gone...

Already gone, already gone, already gone...

Remember all the things we wanted?

Now all our memories, they're haunted.

We were always meant to say goodbye.

I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road,

Someone's gotta go.

And I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better-

But I want you to move on,

So I'm already gone.

I'm already gone, already gone...

You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong.

I'm already gone, already gone...

There's no moving on, so I'm already gone.

om.

"In the beginning was the Word,

and the Word was with God,

and the Word was God."

-Gospel of John

"the om"

om

the sacred and mystical sanskrit word

om is the breath of god

the first sound of creation

according to tradition,

everything manifested

comes from the primordial vibration

which is symbolized by

om

all material objects

all living beings

including each of us,

all spiritual teachings and knowledge

om

is the primo mobile

om is seen as the first manifestation

of the unmanifested god

om is the eternal world of god,

the supreme unmanifested divine being

om is the sound of all creation

it is a prayer unto itself

om appears in vedic sanskrit

as a word of solemn affirmation

and respectful assent

the sutras of paranjali state that

om is the supreme name of god

and it cannot have any meaning

other than god

they also say that remembering om

and it's meaning

will make the devotee happy and focused

on the enlightened path

om

represents the supreme being,

the past, present and future

are all included in this one sound

it is a timeless mantra

whosoever meditates on this one syllable

obtains all that they desire

we are spiritual beings

conceived through the sound of creation

born from the music of the spheres

we are one with all creation

the way be view ourselves can broaden our

sense of who we are

and help us appreciate ourselves

as brave spirits on an important mission

to learn and grow here on earth

remembering that we are spiritual beings

is part of the work that we are here on earth to do

each of us carries within us

the capacity to change the world

in small ways to better or worse

remembering who we are

can give us the patience to persevere

in this way, we realize that

om symbolizes the infinite and divine being

and that we are made of light and pure energy

all human are beings of energy,

vibrating at unique and beautiful frequencies

like divine notes

in the symphony of the universe

life is the province of learning

and the wisdom we acquire throughout our lives

is the reward of our existence

earth school provides us with an education

for the heart and soul

when we acknowledge that

growth is an integral part of life,

and that attending earth school is the responsibility

of every individual

we understand that we are harmonious melodies

in the symphony of the spheres

and we can openly and joyfully

look for the blessings buried in the difficulties

we face every day

as we traverse the winding roads

that lead us from birth to death,

experience is our patience teacher

the idea of flow

the om

reflects on the fact that

things are not rigid and fixed

the flow of energy in this universe

does not always have a human agenda

or your personal agenda

as its primary focus

we must realize that we are intimately connected

to a larger rhythm

a greater voice

a universal flow

this wisdom we accrue

will bless us

may you be blessed!

om shanti om

we are the jewel in the heart of the lotus

we beseech the wisdom

of all enlightened beings,

past and future

may the four immeasurable minds

grow in the hearts and minds of all beings

may we know the true,

clear light of liberation

om mani padme om

we are one

"I am you; you are ME.

You are the waves, I am the ocean.

Know this and be free, be Divine."

-Sri Sathya Sai Baba

namaste

**taken from Humanity Healing, http://humanityhealing.net**

cruising part 2- Key West

So our first stop on our cruise in November was in Key West. We had never been there before, but were really excited about going to see Ernest Hemmingway's house, and even found a Caribbean Pirate Soul Museum that we wanted to check out.

I never realized how small Key West is, but it's such a sweet little island! When we docked, hubby and I rented bicycles and rode all over the place. Here are some pics from our day:

The Hemmingway House

View of the front of the house

I would KILL for this wrap around porch!!

Orchids hanging from the trees...

Really cool looking flower... have no idea what it is. Does anyone??

From the Hemmingway House:

Ornate little elephants surrounding the pool @ Hemmingway's house.

Sweet little altar in the garden, I think we will come back here and renew our vows someday!

me & my honey in the garden

Cute little sitting area under the trees.

Hubby on the footbridge in the garden.

Ernest Hemmingway's actual desk and typewriter.

If you did not know, Ernest Hemmingway is a cat lover. He brought to his home many many polydactyl cats (cats with multiple toes, 5, 6, and 7 per foot even, who can swim, grab things, etc.) Anyway, part of his legacy was to leave the estate to the cats where they would be welcome to live, play, and procreate for the life of the estate. Currently, there are over 45 cats living on property, and they pretty much have free run of the place. It was really fun to see them everywhere and of course love on them when I got the opportunity!

Kitty in the garden (look at his feet! he had 6 toes on each foot)

another poly kitty

this one was sunning himself in the window ;)

This is Charlie Chaplin, Hemmingway liked to name his cats for famous people. I can see why this one was Charlie, can you see his little mustache??

They sure don't mind posing for the camera!

How could I resist loving on these sweet kitties?!?

I think he's contemplating a swim ;)

Like any other museum/house, there were signs posted everywhere to not sit on the furniture, or cross the barriers, or touch the fabrics... but this guy lives above the law!! He sure did look comfy, and the guide said this is his "regular" spot... he doesn't share with the other cats!

The kitty cemetery, see the stones for Willard Scott and Marilyn Monroe? Hemmingway had quite the sense of humor!

The lighthouse across the street from the Hemmingway House... Ernest used to tell people he bought this house here because the lighthouse would always help him find his way home from his favorite bar in town. haha!

His favorite bar, that's still hoppin'... Sloppy Joe's

It was such a cool thing to see... and I'm a big fan of Hemmingway, so I might be a little biased, but it was really cool! Here's a couple more random pics from the day...

My sis-in-law bike riding in town. I wish we had pics of hubby and I riding our bikes... it was so much fun, and a great way to get around!

My handsome hubby trying to figure out how to bring this boat home with us, haha!

Tiger Woods & men who cheat.

Let me preface this by saying that, for me, cheating is the #1 unforgivable situation in a relationship. I believe this wholeheartedly with every fiber of my being. I find it appalling that people continue to make excuses for celebrities, politicians, etc. that are caught in the media with their indiscretions.

It's always with the, "Oh, he's a celebrity, he has access to more women than the average man ever would... of course he was tempted into cheating." Or, "His marriage is unhappy, or his wife is unavailable." Or even "Men are scientifically predisposed to needing and wanting a variety of sexual partners. He can't help it, it's science." BULLS%*$!!

And then somehow, inevitably, it seems that the wives are the ones who end up suffering the media trauma, losing everything, and being "the bad guy" in these situations. It makes me sick!

FINALLY, this morning I heard a response from a man that was actually real, and no-nonsense.

Chuck Nice, an actor and comedian was on the Today Show this morning and said when asked in regards to the Tiger Woods scandal and why men cheat:

"I've said this before, and I will say it again. And no one wants to accept this as an answer. It is a FAILURE OF CHARACTER. That is it. End of story. It's a failure of character. A man who has the strong spiritual conviction to say, that 'although I may want to do this, I will rely upon a higher power to make sure and strengthen me so that I am able to stand for my vows,' is the man who will NOT cheat. Now that's the end of it!"

Thank you. Thank you Chuck for being the kind of man who stands up for marriage and vows, and the bond between a married couple. No matter what, it's never right, it's never excusable, and it's really nice to hear a man say that. And say it on TV no less!!

This is the kind of man my husband is, and he is not shy about saying it, or "hurting another man's feelings" by pointing that out. I think so many men shy away from this topic or make excuses for their friends or other men who cheat because they feel that it makes them "less of a man" or whatever. Who knows... but it was so refreshing to see one of the good ones out in public speaking on behalf of the GOOD men who are still out there.

vacationing!

I'm not sure if I've shared my hubby's and my wedding/honeymoon story, but it's kind of an interesting one. It's at least a little different than most peoples'...

We got married September 6, 2008 in Vegas. Not the "let's get married by Elvis in a drive-thru chapel" wedding, but at the Venetian with 25 of our closest friends and family members. Anyway, we made a long weekend of it and got home on Monday night. We had given ourselves a couple extra days of recuperation time before the honeymoon, and thank goodness we did! Upon returning home, we found out that a huge hurricane was headed straight toward us in less than 3 days. So, we got to work boarding up the house and stocking up on non-perishables and ice... and canceled the honeymoon. They were right, it was a HUGE storm and knocked out power lines, cars, houses, and even whole towns. We spent the next 12 days without electricity, playing monopoly by candlelight and eating whatever we could cook on the grill outside. It was fun and it was unique, and we will never forget it.

We tried rescheduling a couple of times, but things always came up and we just never got out. We finally found a trip that stuck, and scheduled a week cruise for the November after our first anniversary. Needless to say, we were totally stoked! We made the final arrangements, and received our cruise paperwork September 1st. Then... about 4 weeks later we found out we were pregnant. ;)

Luckily, being on the boat didn't bother me much, and while we may have once had plans of fruity drinks and crazy shore excursions, that just wasn't going to happen. We did have a blast, and got to see and do all kinds of fun stuff even if it was a honeymoon/babymoon. I wanted to post some pics we took, but will have to do it installments because there are so many.

I personally must say that I enjoyed cruising quite a bit. No airport security, no crowded planes, no endless driving in a car... it was nice! Plus we didn't have to worry about finding a good place to stay in a strange place, or worry about being able to find local food that wouldn't bother the hubby's Crohn's disease. Did I already say how nice it was? LOL

Sunset from the boat

docked in Nassau (our boat, the Conquest on the right)

Lido deck and water slide at night

The boat was French themed, so there was amazing artwork EVERYWHERE!

View down into the lobby from the Upper Deck

Anyway, it was a great way to spend our honeymoon/anniversary/last vacation before the baby comes. I have some fun pics from our destinations that I'll post later. :)

catching up - news!

So... my apologies for being on hiatus. I have sorely missed you all, and missed my weekly writing. I always have so much running around in my head, blogging has always been such a great outlet for me.

At the moment, there is only one big thing that I want to share with all of my blog friends, the people who know me through my writing, and are otherwise complete strangers... but sometimes my closest friends.

I would like to announce that my wonderful husband and I are expecting our very first baby in June 2010!

You guys know how much this has been on my mind over the course of the last 2 years, and how much the hubby and I have been praying and trying to get pregnant. Finally it happened, and we could not be happier! As of this week I am 12 weeks along, and the morning sickness finally seems to be fading.

2 weeks ago we got to see the baby for the first time. It was truly magical! Our little tiny tiny baby was doing flips and waving it's arms all around for the camera. And of course, we could hear the heartbeat... making it all finally feel so real! I can't wait to have actual ultrasound printouts to post, and we are really excited to find out the sex of the baby about a week after Christmas.

Anyway, just wanted to share the big news and let you know that I'm "back"! ;)

needing a kickstart.

I know I haven't been writing... it's not because I don't want to, or can't endlessly think of things to write about, I've just been feeling a little stifled I guess. Mostly from the invasion of my blog by an unwelcome source. But I've decided not to change the name of my blog after all. It's who I am, and I truly don't feel like I have anything to hide. Whether it's a friend who reads, a co-worker, employer, or even a stranger, what you see is what you get. If that's not good enough, then I guess that means it's time for "us" to part ways.

I'm sort of appalled about the state of society today in which employers especially feel that they can judge people based on their personal lives. If I am otherwise a private person, and yet still your star employee, then why would anything I write in my private life concern you in any way? It seems like these things are happening more and more every day to people everywhere. Does this mean that we should all be shut-ins and stifle our personalities in order to appease a judgmental person existing only in our outside lives? I say no.

Thanks to Nancy for giving me a little hope this morning with her message to me. I needed a kickstart, and I needed to get this off my chest. I refuse to be a by-product of a broken society. I can only be the person I am, and that is enough for me.

in regards to the future of my blog.

Recently I've had some problems with my blog. This time, it's not bloggers fault, but probably my own. The decision to name my blog "Rachael's Carrma" was an attempt to be as real and true to myself as possible, while also having a fun, clever name. Unfortunately, because I used my full name in the title of my blog, it has made it/me much too easy to find via google, etc. and has started causing me problems elsewhere.

SO, unfortunately I feel that I must change the name of my blog.

The only problem with that is that I am at a complete loss. I have no idea where to start, or what might work in conjunction with my style of blogging and the content that I post. I've really been struggling with this, and it has subsequently stunted my writing inspiration.

I guess it's because I feel somewhat violated, even though I know it's really my own fault for making it so accessible. I'm just trying to work past that, and probably will not be posting much until I can make this change. Since you all are the ones who read my blog, do you have any ideas for me?? I could use all the help I can get....

hey scarlethue!

Hey Scarlethue! Loving the new blog layout, but I think the reason you've seen a decline in comments is that (at least for me) the comment box disappears below the screen. When you type in the comment, it asks for word verification, and then the verification box drops below the screen and I can't get to it.

Looks great, but since I can't leave you a comment, I thought I would try this until it's fixed. :)

Have a great day!

wallowing in bed-land

This is not an inspirational post. This is not a though-provoking post. This is a post to clear my head so maybe I can be productive and not feel like a worthless loser.

I haven't written anything in a long time, I'm not sure why, but I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I've been feeling uninspired. I'm bored. I'm tired. I'm sick. And I'm sick of being sick.

Fantabulously Frugal: Review + Giveaway: Handbag Heaven

Fantabulously Frugal: Review + Giveaway: Handbag Heaven

I normally do not do this kind of thing, but after browsing the Handbag Heaven website, I am totally sold. Just wanted to share this giveaway opportunity with anyone who is interested! Click the link to enter!

This one is my fave! (and under 50 bucks!!)

feeling violated.

My wallet was stolen this week. Stolen right out of my purse, and I was no more than 2 feet away. I guess that's really the problem... I should have never been any distance away from my purse, but I suppose that's what cushy live in suburbia does to you... makes you feel safe.

I was at the grocery store to pick up dog food, and since it was the middle of the week, there were not many people in the store so it was quiet and uncrowded- my favorite way to shop. There was another woman on the aisle, who piqued my suspicion as she crept closer to my basket. However, I am not the type of person to automatically assume the worst, in people especially, so I didn't think too much of it. The gears started clicking in my head as I realized she was stooped over looking at a 50 lb. bag of kibble with no shopping cart to put it in. Unbeknownst to me, her little act was her cover for reaching into my purse and snagging my wallet. I hurried to my purse - suspicions heightened - only to find that my wallet was missing.

It's funny the things you think about when presented with a situation like this. Again, I take full responsibility for being naive and too trusting when it comes to other people's character. This is not the first time it has gotten me in a pickle. So I'm looking in my wallet thinking -

"Holy crap, where's my wallet?"

"Did I leave it at home?"

"Is it in the car? Did my purse spill out on the way here?"

And other various ridiculous questions to myself. When I finally resigned myself to the fact that this mystery woman had indeed taken my wallet, I began pursuit. (All of this happened in literally 30 seconds...) But of course, being quite the little expert at theft, she was long gone and so was my wallet.

Luckily, I don't have a large wallet with lots of important stuff in it. All she got was my drivers license, and 2 debit cards that I was able to cancel within 10 minutes. Of course, that didn't stop her from rushing to CVS and spending $450 first. (Who the heck can spend $450 at CVS?)

The silver lining to this situation is that apparently this woman is a "repeat offender" and they have been trying to nail her down for months. Apparently I am the first victim that has her on video. She was on video 3 times at the grocery, 1. stealing my wallet out of my purse, 2. running out the side entrance, and 3. getting in her car driving away... in all instances she was clearly holding my wallet in her right hand. They got her face on video again at CVS using my card. (Don't even get me started on why the HELL they didn't ID her for a purchase that large with a debit card.)

Anyway, the officer I have been working with has been really great, and this is apparently a pretty big deal because the DA is filing felony charges on her for the amount of $ she spent plus the theft, plus the other 4 cases they've been trying to get her on. So that's a plus.

The bank will refund the fraudulent charge when I get the paperwork filled out, and I will have to go get a new DL, but otherwise I am happy to be involved in this situation. At least my unfortunate ordeal has put me in a position to help put a pathological criminal behind bars on a felony charge.

That being said, my personal space has now been extended to a 3 feet radius around me, and my purse will no longer ride in the buggy, but will be firmly placed on my arm. Anyone not respecting this new resolution will be dealt with in whichever way I see fit. I may be a "nice person" but I certainly possess an underlying but extraordinary ability to tongue lash any potential malefactor into a puddle on the floor.

Everything happens for a reason... I just wish the things crossing my path these days didn't result in a hardening of my heart. I guess that's what it means to grow up... realizing the world is not an idealistic place where things always work out the way you want them to.

bare feet.

I used to play sports... all of them. Volleyball, Basketball, Tennis... whatever the school was doing I was doing. It was fun - at one point I was the fastest long distance runner in our program. ME: Miss I-Hate-To-Run. Unfortunately, at some point during my Tennis stint, I hurt my knee. I don't know how and I don't know precisely when it happened, but suddenly it was seemingly impossible to work out. It hurt too much and the doctors warned that if I didn't stop whatever I was doing to aggravate it, I would have to have surgery. Painful, horrible, invasive surgery. Surgery that wouldn't even guarantee that I would be able to ply sports again.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've never been that person who lives for sport. No way. But it was fun, and team sports gave me a chance to be a part of something and have friends that held the same interests. So was I devastated? Not really.

But now I'm getting older. It's more difficult to keep excess weight off without working out, and so it has started to accumulate. A couple of months ago I started working out with a trainer - at first it was good. I was feeling better and really getting back into the swing of things. Round about week 5 I started hurting really bad.

"Hello Rachael, it's me, your right knee. Did you forget about our arrangement? Apparently so... let me remind you. ZING!" And thus ensues the shooting pain under my knee cap. :(

At this point, I can't sit "indian style" on the floor anymore. I can't squat down without my right leg extended, and I won't even mention the things I can no longer "do" with hubby. It's really disappointing. Really. So I started researching. (Let me just say that I am never going to be interested in any kind of surgery unless I am unconscious and someone decides for me... plus, who can afford that right now anyway? No thanks... on to the research.)

I came across a study about feet. Yes, feet... seems unrelated, no? Apparently there is all kinds of research and evidence to support the health of your entire body tied in with your feet. Your bare feet to be specific.

Whether you believe in God or science, there is undeniable proof that our bodies were designed to operate at its best when it operates bare footed. Doctors agree that most adult foot problems would not exist were it not for the addition of shoes. While some shoes are better than others, they all do damage that could be prevented by going barefoot. Additionally, there were no recorded foot-related problems in history until the introduction of proper shoes. That's not even taking into consideration how high problems and surgery numbers have risen in the wake of high heels and pointy women's shoes. Anyway, it's all connected, feet, ankles, knees, back and neck. A vast majority of the problems like mine and other feet/leg/back problems come from this shoe thing.

Here are some websites to check out if you're interested in learning more:

Major Health Benefits of Going Barefoot

For Fancy Feet, Take Off Your Shoes

Society for Barefoot Living

Barefoot and Healthy

In any case, the point of me sharing this with you was to tell you that I've started working out barefoot. Running the treadmill mostly, but anything else that happens to be going on I try to do barefoot. Let me just say that I found knee relief immediately.

While I hardly feel any pain at all anymore, my knee bothers me less and less every day, even though I'm working out at the same intensity for the same amount of time. Not only that, but my back hurts less (already a problem for someone like me with abnormally huge breasts for my frame), and I have fewer neck problems (an old injury stemming from a careless 5th grade school bus driver who almost threw me through the front window of the bus).

In any case, I am a believer. That sounds like it's faith... it's not faith, it's science. And I am damn glad I did it! :)

a new day.

(picture hubby took one morning and sent from work... yes, I said "work")

I've been trying to hard to re-motivate myself. I think that maybe I'm finally on the right track. I haven't been writing much, though I've been thinking about it daily. I'm not sure where my motivation went to write, but I just haven't had it in me for whatever reason. I am working on that... I won't bore you all with the details of the past couple of months, mostly because it's just to difficult to "get caught up" when what I really need is a fresh start.

I've been working at home and helping out as much as possible with my husband's business when I can. I do think I am feeling the absence of daily personal interaction with other people. So far that's been the biggest hurdle for me in working at home. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the fact that I don't have to get up at 6am anymore, so I can stay in bed and watch the news/Today show until 8 and then get going on my day. Since I've been home I've also been able to develop a relationship with my treadmill that was previously nonexistent. Thus, this morning I was able to get into the smaller size jeans I've been saving for just this moment. :)

Of course, my very most favorite thing about being home is getting to enjoy my yard and garden on a daily basis. I am able to get up and enjoy the morning sun with my flowers, and take the time to water each one thoroughly and gently without having to rush out the door... or worse, not do it at all. The weather is changing here. Not much, but just enough to feel the weight of the boggy humidity lifting. That in itself is a blessing... humid air and I do not get along at all. I've also been able to take some time to plan for the next season. Shall I dig up bulbs, or should I plow out a new section for an herb garden? Hmm...

Over the past few months I have also undergone some intense emotional revelations. When I moved here after I graduated college, I was so excited about the prospect of a new life, new people, and new things to do. I absolutely love Houston and everything it has to offer. I will always look back on my time here fondly and remember all the memories through the years that have helped me to grow up, and to really understand who I am and what I want out of life. That being said, I'm ready to move on.

It's taken some time but I've finally been able to move past some of the things I've been needlessly clinging to for the past couple of years. I've always felt like I needed to be close to the city- the city is where the work is, and the city is where things "happen"... it's all I know. I no longer feel that way. I think it's because I'm so inspired by my husband who has just gone out there and gotten "it". I can see now life is what you make of it... it doesn't have to be confined to just one area, you have every piece of the puzzle to make a life within yourself without needing the big buildings, fast paced life, and pretentious expectations that a big city like this puts on you.

I feel free. And now I want to go somewhere.

Hubby and I have been discussing moving to the country. Well, here it's not really "country" so much as wooded hills and lakes that you can just disappear into. This is something he's always wanted, but I have always made it extremely clear that I was in no way interested in that. Like I said, I always felt like I needed to be close to the city... and that blind commitment kept me from being able to even imagine what it might be like to be elsewhere.

Our discussion this time was initiated by me. I'm ready, no scratch that, I'm yearning for something else. Something more private with more space and more nature. A place we can shape together to be a home for our family - the kind of place that would be magical for children to grow up. I imagine looking out my kitchen window - not at the fence shared with our neighbor - but at a huge backyard with no fence, and no visible neighbors at all. (Don't get me wrong, I love our neighbors here, but it's just a bit crowded. Nothing spoils your privacy like the neighbor talking to you through the fence when you just want to lay in the sun and daydream.)

The thing is, I no longer feel "connected" to the city. The industry I was drowning in has all but dissolved here, and it was never "my" industry anyway, I was just limping it along because I thought I was supposed to. My friends have all moved elsewhere, so there are really no people in the city that I'm connected to either. It just seems like things are finally falling in line, all the makings of a long-needed "goodbye" I guess.

It's strange to me how much I have changed in the past year. It's so easy to let the unimportant things in life go when you have someone by your side holding you up and reassuring you that everything will be okay. I've always been the kind of person who holds onto things, as if I must cling to them "just in case" something happens. Connections with people who I don't need to be connected to, connections with feelings that should have long ago been flushed, and connections with places that are now meaningless in retrospect. I can let go of past hurts, I can let go of people who are no good for my life, I can take risks that I never would have taken knowing that I have my wonderful sweet hubby standing by my side. It's a blessing that I've never felt, let alone even been able to fathom before now. Every day the two of us get stronger together, and that only makes things easier, better... it helps me grow, which is a fantastic feeling!

So I guess you could say that in the last few months I've been saying goodbye. Goodbye to the big city life bogging me down. Goodbye to the people in my life who may have been holding me back. Goodbye to the hurt memories of things past, and goodbye to all preconceptions.

I am just me, and that is all I want to be from here on out. I want to enjoy life through MY eyes, not through the eyes of someone who says it should be a certain way. I want to seek out the things that are interesting to me, not because I feel like I have to, but because I want to. I want to simplify life, not let it become complicated with unnecessary things. I want to cook, I want to create, I want to garden, I want to have babies, and I want to LIVE - not just get through the day-to-day stuck in a cubicle between 8 and 5 like everyone else I see out in the real world. There's more to life than that and I don't want to look back one day and feel like I missed it because I was blind.

good morning america.

This morning I went outside to water my plants, check my tomatoes, and test the pool water as I always do. I enjoy the quiet of the morning, before people let their barking dogs out into their yards, before there are cars driving through the neighborhood, before the real meat of the day begins.

What was different about this morning however, was the faint addition of music wafting over the rooftops and into my backyard. Once I was able to identify this mysterious song, I recognized it immediately...

"This land is your land, this land is my land,

From California, to the New York Island,

From he Redwood Forest, to the Gulf Stream waters,

This land was made for you and me..."

I have to assume it was being broadcast from the elementary school down the street, but I found it especially heartwarming this morning as I puttered outside. :)

i have heart :)

Though recently I've sort of been taking an unofficial hiatus, I received a message from Harmony at "Harmony's Travels" tagging me as a part of the "I Have Heart" blog series. First, thanks to Harmony for thinking of me!! I know I've been kind of MIA lately, but I hope that situation will change very soon. In the meantime, I am taking my opportunity to share my heart with you all. :)

The instructions for this series are:

With as much creativity as you can muster, show your heart in a picture, in a poem, in a song (or music piece), a phrase or quote, an item of clothing, a place, and with a Disney Princess.

So here goes!!

1. Picture:

Photo of hubby and I. He is my heart. Though this is not the best shot we've taken together, it is a candid moment in which you can truly see the love between us, and therefore it is my favorite. He has changed my life in so many ways, it's impossible to relay that to another person. We always say that we wish there was a better way to say "I Love You" because those three small words just don't seem like enough. He's taught me to true meaning of unconditional love, and with him I am happier than I have ever been, and anticipate each new day with new excitement because I have him to share them with. Our first wedding anniversary is Sunday, September 6th, and I can say without reservation that each year with him is the best one yet. :)

2. Poem:

"So Just Kiss Me"

by Jewel

So just kiss me, and let my hair messy itself in your fingers.

Tell me nothing needs to be done,

No clocks need winding,

There is no bell without a voice needing to borrow my own.

Instead, let me steady myself in the arms of a man who will not ask me to be what he needs,

But lets me exist as I am,

A blonde flame,

A hurricane

Wrapped in a tiny body

That will come to his arms like the safest harbor for mending.

I chose this poem because I like to think that my heart is free. I am myself, and comfortable in my own skin. Though there are important people in my life, I will always be me, not someone else's version of myself. I think this poem reflects that desire and the decision to live my life true to myself, while still being able to thoroughly enjoy everything going on around me.

I think that's one of the reasons I cherish my hubby as much as I do - he is my rock and my heart, but he loves me because I am me, and he would have it no other way.

3. Song:

I have never been good at choosing one single song to pinpoint a feeling, but I think the song in my heart is Debussy's "Claire de Lune." It's simple, beautiful, and always makes me feel introspective.

There are so many songs that I love, but each one would have to embody a specific mood or time period. I gravitate toward meaningful lyrics, from The Beatles, Jewel, Cat Stevens, and the like.

4. Quote:

"Freedom is not just a dream. It's there, just on the other side of those fences that we build all by ourselves." -Anthony Hopkins

Anything is possible, I believe that in the deepest parts of my soul. However, we must first let go of our predispositions, our reservations, and anything else that may hold us back. I try to remember this every single day and live by this credo.

5. An item of clothing:

I absolutely love pajama pants. In all honesty, I would live in them if it were possible. They're so comfy, cozy, versatile, and easy. I have one pair I love most that I bought from Victoria's Secret- they're called "boyfriend pants" and they are fleece on the inside, and t-shirt material on the outside. They are baggy, long enough to cover my feet, (which is always a requirement of pj pants... long long long) and they have pockets!!

6. Place:

Home. As simple as that. Home can change based on your location, your state of mind, and your dreams. Home for now is in South Texas, but someday hubby and I dream of moving to North Carolina. The breathtaking views, nature, and traditional lifestyle is just so appealing to us. Neither of us have strong roots in any one place, so the idea of taking off and grabbing our own slice of earth is heaven. :)

7. Disney Princess

While I think most little girls dream of the Cinderella story, mine would have to be Ariel from "The Little Mermaid." Ariel wanted to see the world, as do I, and I marvel at her insatiable curiosity for life. I always secretly wished I could be a redhead too. Plus I can sing every song by heart, so it's a no brainer. haha!

That was fun, though definitely not as quick and easy to do as I thought it would be! :) Thanks again to Harmony for tagging me on this one... and for sharing HER heart too. :)

exciting things on the horizon!

Well, as it's been several months since we started trying to get pregnant, you can imagine that we're becoming a bit impatient. So... we've decided it's time to meet with a fertility doctor. It's a little scary to think about, mostly because most people I've known who have gone the "fertility" route end up with multiples.

There's no doubt in my mind that hubby and I would make fantastic parents, but can I really handle more than one at a time? Plus, with multiples, you always run the risk of being bedridden for MONTHS before the birth. Which I'm sure the people at my job wouldn't be very keen on. They gave me SO much crap about missing 2 days of work for my wedding, and even docked my pay for it (cruel, eh?), so I have little faith in cooperation from them with a pregnancy.

However, the biggest dream of my life is is to be a mother, and J and I have talked about this for literally years. So... I'll have to put my faith in God's plan, and hope that things work out for the best. In the last year, I've really begun to make an effort to relax and know that things in life are not always determined by our actions, but by a bigger plan. If I can do that and just go with whatever comes my way, I find myself much more at peace... which is definitely good!

Anyway, so we've been doing some research on doctors, and are making our first appointment next week! Yay!!

concert mania.

I'm having a quiet morning, thinking about alot of things. I haven't posted in awhile, but I've always got blog ideas rolling around in my head. I have at least 3 a day, but somehow cannot find the time to flesh them out and get them posted. I've even got one that's about half finished still sitting in "draft" mode. Life seems full lately.

Even though I could never retrieve those old blog thoughts and write them the way I had intended to then, I thought I would at least try to hit some of the high points, so I can get them out of my head to make room for more. :)

Hubby and I went to the Aerosmith/ZZ Top concert a couple of weekends ago. It was SO great. We've been in this mode of hitting up every "rock legend" concert we can get tickets to since this may be the only opportunity to do so. (With them aging and retiring, etc.) ZZ Top is from Houston like us, so it's always fun to see them come back home and play for the people they know. Billy Gibbons lives in a hotel not far from our old house. haha! They are showmen, and it is VERY evident that they love their fans! I've seen them a few times over the years - it never gets old, and they never seem to waver.

Aerosmith on the other hand, I have never seen live. I have been listening to their music since I was like 7... which means 20 years plus everything from the 70's and 80's. That's quite a career, and I've always been totally smitten with Steven Tyler (well, what girl hasn't been, eh?) Needless to say, he's definitely showing his age, but he still has the "it" thing that makes women swoon, and can dance his ass off too! One of the things you can never be sure of when attending a "legend" concert is which songs they will play. We've been to a few where someone is trying to re-ignite their career and plays mostly stuff we've never heard. In those instances, I can't help but be like, "yeah... that's not what made you a legend... give us the good stuff!!" Well, Aerosmith delivered anything and everything I would have expected them to, which made it all the better! They were wonderful, and I'm glad we got the opportunity to go, and with such great seats thanks to my in-laws. :)

Not two days later I went with a friend to see Coldplay in concert. Their show was well orchestrated visually and effects-wise, but I have to say that I think Coldplay might just be one of those bands that sounds best in hi-def dolby surround stereo. I've heard bands like that before- that just aren't as inspiring and moving live as they are on CD. But it was still a great experience. We were on the outskirts of a thunderstorm, and at this outdoor venue, the breeze was swirling all around and the lighting was giving quite a show of its own... Needless to say, the synchronous interlacing of music and nature was quite an ethereal experience.

Tonight, we are going back to this same outdoor pavilion venue to see Bob Dylan, Willie Nelson, and John Mellencamp. THIS is a show to get excited about. I've seen Willie many many times, and even got to meet him once at a college function (just happened to be in the right place at the right time). While I can't say I've ever head the pleasure of smoking with him on his tour bus, I hope to magically find myself presented with that opportunity someday. haha!

Bob Dylan has been around forever. He's written volumes of music for himself, and just as much for other huge musicians also. He's compiled with the greatest of the great, and is a genius in his own right. Now, I will happily qualify that statement by recognizing that, in many cases, it's nearly impossible to understand what the heck he is saying. Hubby loves the underground Dylan stuff, but when I can't understand music, I lose interest quickly. However, in spite of that small misgiving, I can certainly appreciate him for what he's done and in such magnitude. I mean, here's the guy that people can't understand most of the time, and when questioned about it, basically says,

"F@$% you- I write for me, I sing for me, and if you don't like it or don't want to hear it, then don't listen. Don't presume to read meanings into my music, because you don't know me, and you don't know what I was thinking or what I meant."

I love that. Because it's real and it's honest.

And then there's John Mellencamp, (or John Cougar, or John Cougar Mellencamp, haha!). Who doesn't love "Jack & Diane"?? He's like the pop guy of the three... and has more hits than I can even remember, but I am super-stoked about seeing him too.

I guess I've always loved concerts- and when it's people who have truly shaped the direction music has gone in the last few decades, it's even more special to me. So, we keep adding to the list, and maybe someday we can really feel like we got to experience even a sliver of the magic our parents did in the 60's and 70's... the true birthplace of rock.

What concerts have inspired you, or were really special for you??

posers.

One of my favorite movies is "Across the Universe." Probably because my favorite band of all time is the Beatles. I am a flower child.

However, there is one tiny little thing that irritates me about this movie... Bono. Bono plays the uber-hippie character that sings the John Lennon songs. I detest Bono. He's a self-involved douchebag posing as an activist/philanthropist to serve his own ego and his own pocketbook. He does not deserve to even think about singing John Lennon songs.

John Lennon was a visionary. Bono is not. I am SO tired of seeing him everywhere and hearing about him every time I turn around.

Ok, I feel better now. :)

morning.

Good morning world! I couldn't resist snapping a shot of my pride sunflower this morning in the early light. I just love the way they always face the sun, they brighten my day every time I see them! I should have put my hand up or something so you can see how large it is. It's roughly 10" in diameter... a huge one!

Here's a quick shot of my little cherry tomatoes. Of course, you know Tina couldn't resist getting in the photo too. She was kind of running past and it makes her look like she's almost glowing! Anyway, looks like one of them will be ripe in a couple of days, so I see some really tasty salads on my horizon.

Any interesting salad recipes you've tried lately??

homeowners associations.

Does anyone else despise their homeowners association? I do.

I completely understand why they are in place. Make sure the neighborhood looks nice, that there's no broken down beater cars in the street, and people are not living on a sofa bed in their front yards. Ok. Good enough. 

Why then, must they constantly harass you when your trash can stays on the curb 2 seconds longer than they deem necessary? Do these people not have lives of their own? Do they not have jobs that they go to every day? Why is it that they think in any real situation that I would be at home at 11 am to pick up my trash cans after the garbage man comes on Mondays and Thursdays? Who is home at that time? 

Scratch that... I do not CARE who else is home at that time to pick up their trash cans. The fact is, my husband and I are not doodling around the house all day every day catering to the whims of the HOA. We have jobs. We have responsibilities. None of those responsibilities include making the hour commute home at 11 am to pick up my trash cans and put them back in the garage, and then making the hour commute back downtown to go back to work. 

Apparently life would be easier if that were the case. I would not be getting letters in my mailbox. I would not be getting certified death threat letters from the HOA, and I would not be getting FINED for doing something at MY house that I PURCHASED with MY MONEY. 

I believe that makes it MY property and anyone who wants to tell me what I can and cannot do with it can shove it. Get a life HOA.

By the way... I'm sure they haven't noticed, but HOA's all across the country are coming under scrutiny for this very thing. HOA's are going out of business, getting sued for trying to take people's homes away. (Really?? You're going to take my house that I OWN away from me because my grass is 1" higher than you want it to be??) You'd think they would be more careful about choosing their battles.

I feel that I should also mention that I do not live in a master-planned community, nor is it even a community that has been built in the last 10 years. So I have to feel like this is pettiness, rather than what could be viewed as a concerted attempt at keeping one of the brand-spanking-new "hoity toity" neighborhoods on the Better Homes & Gardens List. 

Needless to say, my patience is running thin. They got an earful this morning, and I will do whatever it takes to make this right. There is no reason in the world why they should be trying to take advantage of homeowners who are already paying them dues. Especially when it's over something as stupid and petty as this is. Something that I absolutely cannot control under any circumstances.

UGH. I'm stepping off my soapbox now...

on the heels of Iva Messy.

As does often happen, one of the blogs I regularly read has shared a page from the book of my life. It's always so surprising when someone else writes about the very thing you're going through in your own affairs.

Here it is:

Iva Messy: A Friendship Breakup?

On the heels of Iva, the only thing I will add is this:

friend |frend|
noun
• a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection
• a person who acts as a supporter of a cause, organization, or country by giving help.
• a person who is not an enemy or who is on the same side : she was unsure whether he was friend or foe.

ORIGIN Old English frēond, of Germanic origin; related to Dutch vriend and German Freund, from an Indo-European root meaning ‘to love."

-cited from the New Oxford American Dictionary

People who are your "Friend" should show support, and care for you in the same manner as you do them. Friends do not run out on you, friends do not forsake you in the name of money, and friends do not lie or betray.

If you are associated with people who do this to you, they are in fact, NOT friends and should be eradicated from your life. At least, that's how I feel and that's the way I practice relationships within my own life.

Life is way too short to waste it on people and things that bring negativity into your life. I personally CHOOSE to have people around me who:

1. Love me as much as I love them
2. Respect me and my family the way I do theirs
3. Do not create "high school-ish" drama
4. Are positive, honest, and trustworthy
5. And enjoy every day of their lives to the fullest...
...without harming or compromising the lives of other people.

There's my 2 cents.

following your leads.

(sorry about the trees... they're kind of unavoidable in my neck of the woods.)

Seems that everyone is doing a post for Independence Day: well wishes toward fellow bloggers, and rehashed fun plans, etc. While my weekend was exceptionally wonderful, I'll leave my description at:

A 3 day weekend full of food, fun, friends, family, swimming, sun, fireworks, and partying. Needless to say, I am exhausted!

The pinnacle of this weekend for me was standing in my backyard around 9-10pm listening/seeing all the fireworks going off in the sky around us. This was my first Independence Day in many years that I have lived in the suburbs. It's a totally different experience from living in the city... Much of what we could see and hear was being set off by neighbors, and other people in and around our subdivision. For the first time on the 4th of July, I felt a sense of camaraderie. It was nice to look up in the sky and actually see the celebrations going on simultaneously all around us.

All of these people were celebrating our country, celebrating our freedom, and celebrating the brave people who serve in our country's armed forces so that we may maintain this freedom. That night was truly the physical manifestation of the people rising up to honor this tradition, and commemorate our fellow Americans. It was extremely moving.

As I stood there enjoying the ever-changing colors and shapes streaming across the sky, and waiting on my hubby to come out and start our own backyard show, I had a moment of clarity. I was overcome by feelings of reverence, and wondered if the Americans of decades past would be touched by our extravagant displays of commemorative pyrotechnics.

I think they would. Can you imagine what Independence Day looks like from above??

hilarious read!

This is a new blog I'm reading... and the funniest story I've heard in awhile!!

My Mess of Motley Musings: Flying's Da Bomb: "http://tiny.cc/mazIM"

in the city.

Today was a beautiful day. There was like zero smog, the sky was SO blue, the clouds were SO fluffy and white. If it hadn't been 100 degrees with 90% humidity... it would have been perfect. I do love summer time in the city.

working through the work.

It seems like no matter when it is that I stop to take stock of my life, it is always filled with things.

Last week I approached an anniversary that I would rather forget, one that changed my life and my husbands forever. June 19, 2008 I lost my job. To make a REALLY long story short, I had invested 5 years, countless overtime hours, not to mention blood, sweat and tears into my job. It was my plan, it was my future, and I was safe there. Or so I thought. Things came crashing down in such a way that is unreal even to me (the person who experienced it!).

What made it worse, was that my husband had just returned from a 2 week stint overseas entertaining the troops with a USO comedy tour. In order to take that opportunity, and to share his support with our troops, he had to leave his job the week before he left for Iraq. I was totally supportive, and we were totally secure. I was making more than enough salary for the both of us, and it was important thing in both of our hearts that he go over there and share some laughter with the people who need it most.

Within days of his return, I lost my job and we were beside ourselves. Both of us unemployed only a mere 3 months before our big Vegas wedding weekend. Needless to say, wedding aside, we were at our lowest point imaginable.

So last week and this I have been thinking about the last year and everything that has happened. This time last year we had nothing but each other. Luckily I had savings earmarked for the wedding, so we were able to keep up with bills, etc. and my parents generously supplemented the wedding fund to help us through. But we were at rock bottom, with only each other to cling to. I think that time is one of the most prominent in the "history of hubby and I" that really solidified our future in my mind. Don't get me wrong, I always knew I wanted to marry him, but after all that, I knew life could throw nothing at us that we could not endure together.

(The cat4 hurricane that nearly wiped us off the face of the planet on the weekend IMMEDIATELY following our wedding was another instance of that solidarity...)

So what did we do? The only thing we could do. We picked each other up and clawed our way back out. I took the first job that came along, and so did he. (in this economy, we were fortunate to get work so quickly...) Now, only a year later, hubby has established his own business that has him booked solid for the next 4 months. I have implemented a new division at my job that has subsequently allowed me to cut my office hours down to Tuesdays and Thursdays, and be at home the rest of the week.

Not only are we doing better financially than we were back then, but we're happier. We worked hard to get back up, and I think it means more now. It means that no matter what speed bumps we may come across, we know we are capable of starting over - starting from scratch if needed.

It's hard for me to look back and not remember the anger and betrayal we felt then. Nothing could have prepared us for what happened, but I am SO proud of us for getting back up, and getting going. Things have improved so drastically since then, and it's only been a year!I see terrible headlines about people committing suicide, killing their families, burning their foreclosed houses down, etc. and I think... my GOD. So many people are struggling, so many people feel that they have nowhere to turn. It is those times when we must look within ourselves and determine what we are really made of.

I pray more now. Hubby definitely prays more than he did then. And every single day I thank the Lord, my lucky stars, and any other higher power that will listen for giving us the strength, endurance and gumption to keep going and stay positive.

There are no dead ends in life. Only opportunities to make a new path.

ode to dad.

Today is for the fathers. And though I'm 600 miles away from mine, I still think about him every single day. 

Until my husband came along, he was "the" man in my life. I compared every other man to my Dad, each one required to be at least as smart, at least as funny, and hold me in the very highest regards. I expected nothing less from any other man who wanted to be a part of my life than I receive from my Dad. I knew within a couple of dates what my Dad would think about the boyfriend of the moment, and it always played at least a minor part in my decisions to move forward in relationships. I'm sure that's why I ended up with such a great husband. ;) I know he was proud the day he walked me down the aisle towards the man who would vow to take care of me for him forever.

My Dad taught me nearly everything I know. He prepared me to be a well-educated, well-rounded individual, and spared no affection in the process. He never let any preconceived macho manly instincts overshadow his affection for his little girl. My Grandma tells me now that he was never that way until I was born. Back then, people just weren't that affectionate I guess. He taught me that no matter what, you should never fail to let the people you care about know that you love them. Hugs were always a priority.

He's spent his life making sure that I did not go without, no matter what that meant for he and my mom. We never knew any of the stresses of being an adult, because they never put that upon us. Even though we never went without we were still raised to appreciate the value of the dollar, and had jobs as soon as we were old enough. We were never spoiled, but were as happy and well adjusted as 2 kids can really be.

I know once I do have my own children, it will be one of the great joys of his life as well as mine. No matter where life takes me from here, no matter how old I am or how many of my own children I may have,  I am truly and eternally his little girl. 

So today, I say thank you to my Daddy. Thanks for always being everything I needed, and everything I could have ever asked for. :)

XOXO